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Is it possible that I'm just better off dead?

blahman8000

blahman8000

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 3, 2009
Messages
690
I'm 24 years old. I used to abuse drugs, but now I drink constantly. I now drink just so I can feel alive and so I can feel like it's worth getting out of bed. When I manage to get out of bed (at times it takes a while because I always feel horrible when I wake up), I simply try to stomach another two shots of cheap vodka, which makes me willing to get out of bed.

I almost never eat. I didn't eat a morsel of food yesterday. I don't think I ate the day before, either. This morning I woke up, took like 5 shots within 15 minutes, and felt willing to eat two pieces of Texas Toast. Eventually I went back to bed. Then I woke up and began drinking again.

I was unhappy before I started drinking, which is why I began. But now I'm at a whole new level. I don't understand how it's possible to feel this horrible all the time. I don't want to be a depressing person. I know that I'm being a little bitch about it and I should just grow some balls and get better. But it feels impossible. It's almost as if I don't want to.

I want to be able to just live a sober life. I really think that would be great. But at the same time, I think I've given up. For some reason, there's this powerful subconscious part of me that makes me want to destroy myself. I do not think I'm going to live for very much longer. I've been thinking that I wish there was a way I could be literally forced to sober up, that there was a way that I am given no choice. But I live with my parents and I just can't have them knowing about this. I can't. I don't know what to do.

I acknowledge that I am weak and that this is pathetic. I just don't know how much longer I can go forcing myself to eat some small snack every couple days and passing out every few hours, just to force myself out of bed. I can barely keep my head up as I type this. I'm probably going to go lay down and fall back asleep after I finish, because I drank again. It is pathetic.
 
Same here, last week I started planning the best way to die, as coldly as if I was thinking what movie to choose in the theater,
unlike you I've been clean for awhile (benzos mainly, pretty much the same as alcohol), and is the lack of relief from my excruciating anxiety what's got me here.
Tonight I'll try sleeep deprivation, for that's antidepressant; as a crazy last resort.
I started my plan yesterday by taking 3 chloramphenicol and 3 metronidazol capsules, which will inhibit my CYP-450 enzymes in my liver and make caffeine last 50 hrs or more.
Or maybe I just lost it.
 
I understand you might be disgusted of the thought, but eating really helps man! Sounds like you haven't eaten properly in quite a while, which really makes you feel progressively worse as it goes on. If I were you, I'd focus on this first and foremost. If you have barely any energy at all, it is very likely that you won't be able to solve other problems. I'd suggest easily digestable things that pack some good amounts of protein, like certain milk products. I'm not going to lie to you, you will probably have to sort of force yourself to eat and most likely you won't enjoy it, but it really, really helps I promise! Not immediately, but it should be noticeable in a day or two already, atleast from my personal experience. I too have gone through long periods of extensive depression and not eating almost at all. You need to eat every day, aim for a minimum of ~1g/kg of protein. This means if you weigh 60kg, try to eat atleast 60g worth of protein a day. It's probably even less than what's recommended daily but don't care about that yet, even 10g of protein a day is infinitely better than 0g.

It also sounds you're looping quite a bit in anxious and depressive thoughts, it's a vicious circle: for example you might have some anxiety which leads you to thinking about anxious things (human mind has a tendency to find reasons and causes for things), these thoughts will then intensify your original anxiety which leads you to thinking about anxious things even more. You need to find ways to break this circle before you can find relief. Perhaps alcohol breaks these thought-patterns for you but especially in the long run it's not a good solution. You need to start thinking differently, maybe even consciously start blocking/changing those thoughts that provoke anxiety. Pay attention to your mind and what goes on in there, sooner or later you will start learning how it works, what things lead to other things and how to prevent yourself from feeling certain (bad) ways. It's not easy and it takes some time and effort, but it's more than worth it.

And obviously, you need to take a break from the bottle when you feel you're ready for it. You will feel like shit, maybe even worse than now, but your brain and therefore your mind won't heal if you don't do it. Once it starts to heal, you will feel start feeling better, not necessary feeling great, but the keyword here is better. I understand that you might not have any desire to be sober, but even if you're 50% more sober it will still help (which in turn might actually give you more motivation).

You're not pathetic at all in my opinion... you are fighting one hell of a monster and by no means is it easy! Don't be so harsh on yourself about the drinking, yes it's not healthy but destructive and even if it's an inferior coping mechanism, it's still a coping mechanism, not some hedonistic self-indugence to feel ashamed about!
 
OP-- your alcholism is a symptom, and while it aggravates the underlying issue it is almost certainly not the root cause. Have you done any delving into your issues before? Seen a psychologist, anything like that?

At the stage where you're drinking that much just to maintain, I'd strongly advise against cold turkey if possible. It takes a lot of effort, especially if an underlying depression is just waiting to rear its head, but a taper down to a lower amount of alcohol would be best before doing anything drastic. If for no other reason than it will be hard to dig deeper when you have to dig through the fog of that much vodka first. Not to mention that if you're getting that little nutrition your mind will be messed up to begin with. I haven't heard from him in a while, but ask Bojangles about the importance of a good diet. Seriously-- it makes a huge difference; but it is virtually impossible to eat well when you're getting 95% of your daily calories from vodka.

To answer your question: no. You are a good person underneath all of this, you're just ill. Not just from your addiction, but more importantly: from what caused you to lose yourself in addiction in the first place. You don't need to die, you just need some help to regain life is all.
 
I really appreciate the responses.

Charles Ferdinand - I'm sorry you feel the way you do. It's rough. I really hope you move beyond your suicidal thoughts and find a healthy way to feel better. And definitely stay clean.

FnX - Your post was very helpful. Thank you. You're right that I need to be eating more. That's probably why I've had literally no energy lately. Today I've had a few pints a beer so far, and I just had a slice of pizza. I think I'm going to have another one. I want to stop consuming hard liquor and just switch to beer, just for the sake of making progress. I honestly have a lot of trouble stomaching hard liquor anymore, anyway. Just the sight of vodka makes me nauseous and sometimes on the verge of vomiting. But I just resort to it when there's nothing else.

Missykins - I have been considering attending a meeting and seeing how it is. But I feel like I need to sober up first, and I'm having a lot of difficulty doing so. I would definitely keep an open mind. They do have "AA for Atheists" around here, I believe, and I feel like I might benefit from that.

Dave - I have seen a psychiatrist before, but it didn't really get me anywhere. I do think that I should eventually seek help, though. My alcoholism is definitely secondary to my depression. This is just how I manage to deal with it right now, or at least attempt to deal with it. There are times when I can't keep any food down. I throw up. I find it easier to eat when I'm drunk. I don't know if I've ruined my stomach or what. I'm honestly just never hungry anymore. I never want to eat. I just want to drink, all the time. I never thought it would get this bad.
 
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Well, alcohol has calories, and when you drink as much as you do your body figures out that it doesn't need any more energy, so it doesn't send any hunger signals. The thing is, you are likely quite malnourished though, which is almost certainly making the depression far worse. The thing is, it's a bit of a chicken and egg problem-- you need to eat to help improve the depression, but you can't eat unless you're closer to sober, at which point the depression becomes overwhelming.

I tend to harp on this a lot, but I think that it would really apply here: have you considered tapering off? Not even down to nothing, just figure out exactly how much you drink each day. Maybe average it over a week if it varies. Once you have that number, drink exactly that amount every day; no more, no less. Then a week after that, start reducing it by 10%. Then a week later another 10%. It takes self-control, and lots of it, but by doing so you could wean yourself off in such a way that will allow youto gradually start eating better, seeing a psychologist if possible, and incorporating other healthy habits into your life.

It's unfortunate that your experience with a psychiatrist didn't go well, but have you seen a psychologist by any chance? The former are trained to see psychological problems as biological, and while that can be helpful in certain situations I would wager that it would not be in yours. Psychologists, however, see psychological problems as being mental, and have a completely different toolkit for treating them.
 
Thank you for the reply, Dave. I just want to note that I changed something in my previous post, because I had a made a mistake. I actually find it easier to eat when I am drunk (probably because when I'm sober, I'm hungover and sick). However, I think your point is still accurate, that the primary reason I can't keep food down most of the time is because I am an active alcoholic, and every 24 hours, the majority of the calories I consume are from alcohol.

I think tapering off would be a good solution, and I've actually done it before. But I'm wondering if this has progressed beyond that. The main factor that keeps me from drinking way more heavily than I do now is that I make almost no money and simply can't afford it. For instance, tonight I only have three pints of beer left. Because I am broke and couldn't afford anymore.

I agree with your comparison between psychiatrists and psychologists. I was actually raised by a psychologists. The psychiatrist that I once saw offered both medication and psychotherapy, however the therapy was practically useless. We had half hour sessions, and he eventually encouraged me to increase the sessions to an hour, yet he offered me nothing the whole time. I often think that I do need to give anti-depressant medication another shot, though, because a person should not feel like this all the time for so many years. I'm not sure how helpful therapy would be, because I'm not one to open up that way. I am very closed up and I find it almost impossible unless I have a certain connection with the person.
 
blahman8000 said:
I almost never eat. I didn't eat a morsel of food yesterday. I don't think I ate the day before, either. This morning I woke up, took like 5 shots within 15 minutes, and felt willing to eat two pieces of Texas Toast. Eventually I went back to bed. Then I woke up and began drinking again.

I was unhappy before I started drinking, which is why I began. But now I'm at a whole new level. I don't understand how it's possible to feel this horrible all the time. I don't want to be a depressing person. I know that I'm being a little bitch about it and I should just grow some balls and get better. But it feels impossible. It's almost as if I don't want to.
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Ya, when it comes to addiction, you have people who become addicted and then get depressed because of the abuse, and then you have those who drink/drug because they are depessed, which just perpetuates it. It sounds like you're in the later category, which IMO is a bit harder to treat since cessation of the drug won't revert the person back to "normal" but back to a place still with that depressed undercurrent.

However, think of it this way. Feeling emotions, from angry to happy to you name it, is part of life. Fear to avoid pain, pleasure to do what is good for you, satisfies your god, etc. Whatever you believe, realise that being emotional, good emotions or bad ones, is integral to life. It's part of being a human. Yet we easily slip into denial of this and try and put up a shield against our emotions, either with a bottle, a needle, pills, etc. It may seem effective at first, like we're brave warriors fighting against our emotions, but after too much of this fighting you'll almost surely end up a crouching warrior under a torn-up shield in the middle of a rain-soaked, dreary field afraid that your once-mighty shield cannot stand another hit.

So you can fight your emotions clean/sober or you can fight them with your DOC in your hand. Your choice, but the latter, though easier at first, is MUCH harder in the long run. No matter how scary it might seem to try and make it tomorrow sober, anxiety through the roof, facing friends/family, and so on, the path of addiction leads to hells you don't want to know. Like you said, you want to feel alive. Feeling alive is feeling life's emotions, and since this battle is easier done with a clear head, start sooner. It will be okay, and honestly everything in life starts to fall into place once you understand how freeing being clean/sober is.



I acknowledge that I am weak and that this is pathetic. I just don't know how much longer I can go forcing myself to eat some small snack every couple days and passing out every few hours, just to force myself out of bed. I can barely keep my head up as I type this. I'm probably going to go lay down and fall back asleep after I finish, because I drank again. It is pathetic.
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Alcohol, as a drug, has a tendency to make a person feel beaten down, weak, emotional, lost, etc. After a career of addictions, I've realised that while some were worse physically, some worse on my financial/professional stability, and so on, nothing came close to my alcohol days in terms of just feeling ready to give up. Alcohol's a devil in sheep's clothing. This self-defeating thinking really does go hand-in-hand with drinking heavily. I know you may not believe this, but sober people will let you know. I used to not think this either. I'd take a day off of drinking and it would be "I still feel horrible about myself." Of course, since one day is really nothing in terms of recovering. It took me about a month.

Ya man, just trying to let you know that I was once in your shoes and I'd argue with anyone who wanted to help me. I'm not saying you need to give up drinking or drugs forever (I believe it's possible to regain responsible control), nor am I preaching AA or any other type of recovery propaganda to you (there's some good and bad in them all). I'm just telling you straight up how it all worked out for me.

Good luck to you, let us know how it's going.
 
Thanks for the response, RedLeader.

I think for me it's a combination. I was definitely depressed to begin with, but the drugs and alcohol have made it 10x worse. When I was on drugs, I was at least somewhat active, though. I had a job, I ate, I showered every day, and at one point took a semester at a nearby college. I also had friends (whom I did drugs with). Opiates and cocaine were NOTHING compared to what alcohol has done to me. I am completely ruined. It seems like my liver might be failing because I cannot keep down food, so I no longer really eat. I find it easier to eat when I'm at least a little drunk, but now it's becoming really difficult to keep down alcohol, as well. It took me the past 2 hours just to finish a beer without throwing it up. I had to actually chase each sip with water.

I never even leave my bedroom anymore. Sometimes I don't even leave my bed. I only really leave the house to walk to the liquor store. I've had seizures and I always think one is coming up. I don't support myself whatsoever financially. I don't even shower very often at all anymore because I don't have any energy and I just feel too depressed.

I don't have the will to live, nor do I have the will to kill myself, so my life has been kind of a purgatory for years. I truly question if I'm going to survive much longer at the rate, but at the same time, the only time I ever really give a shit about surviving is when I'm drunk or high. I know the solution should be detox and rehab but I don't want my family to be any more aware of this than they already are. I have school coming up and I just know I could have a seizure at any time in the classroom unless I'm drunk.

I'm going to attempt to eat some soup now. Again, thank you for the replies.
 
Fresco, I'll check it out.

I didn't drink until 8 PM today. Not by choice, but because I couldn't get any money until then. However, I think my body needed it. I could've sworn I was going to have a seizure or throw up but I didn't. I tried to eat some soup, but could only keep down the broth and a small bit of the rice. Then I had a few strawberries and blueberries, and I make myself a protein drink, which I drank most of.

By the time I finally got to the liquor store, I had the shakes really bad. I also went to Subway for a veggie sandwich (which I've yet t o eat), and I could barely speak when I was ordering my sandwich. I was positive that something would happen.

I guess this was a recovery/weening down kinda day. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better than I did today.
 
Baby steps-- that's excellent!

Fresco: I don't mean to malign you, but The Law of Attraction (AKA 'The Secret'), is the biggest load ever written. People improve themselves by working at it, and while a positive outlook may help one's motivation, success has nothing to do with how hard one wishes for it. It's fantasy thinking, and actively detrimental.
 
I'm a yoga instructor. I'm surrounded by people who eat, breathe and sleep that stuff. It helps with motivation, and consciously choosing to be positive over being negative has excellent benefit for mood and the like. It's not going to magically fix everything wrong in your life. That happens through mindful effort, not wishing really hard.

Explain to me how it is different than praying for help?
 
Dave said:
I'm a yoga instructor. I'm surrounded by people who eat, breathe and sleep that stuff. It helps with motivation, and consciously choosing to be positive over being negative has excellent benefit for mood and the like. It's not going to magically fix everything wrong in your life. That happens through mindful effort, not wishing really hard.

Explain to me how it is different than praying for help?
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Well.....I used to be religious, and praying did absolutely diddly dick squat for me.

Then, about a year ago, I started trying LOA after hearing about it from a friend, and the changes in my life have been nothing short of amazing.

I dont know how it works. All I know is THAT it works
 
At this point I'm willing to try anything. I'll give it a read and see what I think.

I've had a bit to drink so my appetite is coming back. Think I might take advantage of that in a bit. I'm also having mixed drinks (vodka and juice) instead of shots. I don't know if I can even stomach shots of vodka ever again. This shit is seriously disgusting, but it's so cheap (Karkov).

One plan I had was to force myself to cut down by buying smaller quantities of better quality alcohol, like good beer, since I thoroughly enjoy drinking it and I wouldn't have the money to afford enough to get shitfaced. But my frustrations and certain life circumstances changed that. Now I feel like, maybe the more disgusted I get by this shit, the less likely and often I will consume it. If I ever taste the actual vodka, I am automatically repulsed and start vomiting.
 
blahman8000 said:
I've had a bit to drink so my appetite is coming back. Think I might take advantage of that in a bit. I'm also having mixed drinks (vodka and juice) instead of shots. I don't know if I can even stomach shots of vodka ever again. This shit is seriously disgusting, but it's so cheap (Karkov).


One plan I had was to force myself to cut down by buying smaller quantities of better quality alcohol, like good beer, since I thoroughly enjoy drinking it and I wouldn't have the money to afford enough to get shitfaced. But my frustrations and certain life circumstances changed that. Now I feel like, maybe the more disgusted I get by this shit, the less likely and often I will consume it. If I ever taste the actual vodka, I am automatically repulsed and start vomiting.
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Drinking to regulate your appetite, trying to curb your drinking with beverages you don't like, switching up shots with mixed drinks...man, in the end you're still fooling yourself into reasons why you can continue to drink (maybe not going at it as hard, but still letting it continue). If you really (and I mean really, genuinely, deep-down) want to stop drinking, then you really do have to bite the bullet and go through a bit of an uncomfortable stretch of days before you can walk, run, skip, jump, gallop, etc (and once your physical body feels good again, you'll want to do all of these things - trust me ;)) in the greener grass.

Well, I should say that only you knows if you can quit and get through the WD without needing medical supervision. If it's really bad, and not drinking gives you serious shakes, dizziness, bad panic, vomiting, or even the DTs, then you should seek medical help (rehab, detox or under the guidance of a family doctor [and not relying only on the layman strategies of us internet folk]) to get through (at minimum) the few days of WD. If you're young, in decent health and not drinking too much around-the-clock, then at least keep the emergency numbers handy and swallow your pride and call if you do feel in danger.

But here's one thing I can tell you. From RedLeader to blahman8000. There are 168 hours in a week, and starting from your last drink, I can PROMISE you that after those 168 are complete, you will feel MUCH better than you do now. It might seem like an eternity getting there, but after that time you will have a hungry appetite, you will be able to run, jump, fuck, etc. without getting winded, dizzy or yelled at by your organs. You will enjoy your newly-found mental clarity. You will get a solid 8 hours of sleep and wake up feeling more rested and energized than you have in a long time. And you'll start spending days where you only want to be in your bedroom for the hours that you sleep.

It's just one of those things that requires some effort before the payoff. But man, the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll know what I'm taking about. It's not a conspiracy, I am not some extremist AA type. I'm just a guy who was very skeptical/critical that life ever could get better once I put the bottle (and the drugs) down, but then toughed it out and now is happy for the first time in years (if not decades).

I want you to get this, brother. You deserve it, you really do. You're a smart guy with a lot to contribute to the BL community, and I'm sure to the world as well. I've seen it in you even while you were a self-admitted mess. But think of what you can do with your head on straight. I'll be there for you along the way, as well as when you're experiencing the better life.

You got this man.
 
RedLeader, I really appreciate the words of encouragement. You're obviously a very helpful and thoughtful poster here.

I am definitely considering a doctor's visit soon because I'm worried about my liver. My attempts to reduce my alcohol intake (mixed drinks instead of shots, limiting my desire to drink with poor quality liquor, etc) are what I hope to be helpful methods of tapering off over time. Whenever I go cold turkey, I run the risk of seizures, and I've had a few in the past.

I just read some excerpts from the book "Under the Influence" which have scared the shit out of me. This stuff really gave me a clear look at what I'm doing to myself. I'm definitely not going to live much longer if I keep this up. I've been relying on this stuff not even just for a buzz anymore, but to function. I sometimes think that the way I feel after a few drinks is how a normal human being feels on an active day. So I just keep knocking back drinks and it all goes to hell. I definitely need to stop this shit.
 
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