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Is it asking too much?
- Thread starter Wadsworth
- Start date
^^^^ Sometimes you have to sacrifice something. But why it shouldn't be OP? Why OP's boyfriend should sacrifice something? I don't advocate him, I just suggesting another point of view. In fact, I think he must not use the drugs, at least for a while.
Setting an ultimatum is somewhat selfish, it is like telling "I don't want you to do drugs" without presenting reasons. He had to stop doing drugs, BUT, in my opinion, he had to be convinced in a different way.
Rather tell him: "Listen, doing drugs causes a lot of problems in you, and the time we spend together is better without them. It can break our relationship, and I don't want to leave you, but sometimes this idea comes into my mind. So why do you want to continue drug use?". This is better, but maybe not good enough. Anyway, my idea is to SUGGEST an alternative, rather than REQUIRE something.
Setting an ultimatum is somewhat selfish, it is like telling "I don't want you to do drugs" without presenting reasons. He had to stop doing drugs, BUT, in my opinion, he had to be convinced in a different way.
Rather tell him: "Listen, doing drugs causes a lot of problems in you, and the time we spend together is better without them. It can break our relationship, and I don't want to leave you, but sometimes this idea comes into my mind. So why do you want to continue drug use?". This is better, but maybe not good enough. Anyway, my idea is to SUGGEST an alternative, rather than REQUIRE something.
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Static Cloud
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2011
- Messages
- 26
First of all, I'm very sorry you were put in that kind of situation, I hope you find a good resolution.
Second of all, as said, the ultimatum might not be the best idea (I'd say use it as a last ditch effort if all else fails). What I would try however is just to sit down, have a long talk. Thing is, you have to explain to him how you feel about him, and how his self-destructive behavior is not hurting only him, but also hurting you. I guess the idea here is to convey your feelings for him as best as you can, at that point I'd guess one of the two things can happen.
1. He realizes you are right, he realizes that you're worth more than his experimentation (let's be honest, mostly negative experiences are far from what most here would consider recreational use), while he might not instantly change his mind, it'll probably prepare the ground and you two can work on this thing together and over time, hopefully his desire will disappear...
2. This one is more painful, but there's an option that your relationship is one-sided, if he doesn't come to the realization what you actually mean to him, it's going to get messy, or that his silly reckless behavior is more important to him than your relationship, then I'd recommend you seriously consider leaving him. My opinion is that if you're not happy in a relationship, it's probably not worth staying in, there's no need to waste several years of your life hoping he'll change his mind, or even worse, watch his descend into more psychotic episodes...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, he has to come to terms what he feels about you and how he feels about the relationship before he's going to make a potentially life changing decision (even if it's for the better).
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to give us a shout how it all turned out.
Second of all, as said, the ultimatum might not be the best idea (I'd say use it as a last ditch effort if all else fails). What I would try however is just to sit down, have a long talk. Thing is, you have to explain to him how you feel about him, and how his self-destructive behavior is not hurting only him, but also hurting you. I guess the idea here is to convey your feelings for him as best as you can, at that point I'd guess one of the two things can happen.
1. He realizes you are right, he realizes that you're worth more than his experimentation (let's be honest, mostly negative experiences are far from what most here would consider recreational use), while he might not instantly change his mind, it'll probably prepare the ground and you two can work on this thing together and over time, hopefully his desire will disappear...
2. This one is more painful, but there's an option that your relationship is one-sided, if he doesn't come to the realization what you actually mean to him, it's going to get messy, or that his silly reckless behavior is more important to him than your relationship, then I'd recommend you seriously consider leaving him. My opinion is that if you're not happy in a relationship, it's probably not worth staying in, there's no need to waste several years of your life hoping he'll change his mind, or even worse, watch his descend into more psychotic episodes...
I guess what I'm trying to say is, he has to come to terms what he feels about you and how he feels about the relationship before he's going to make a potentially life changing decision (even if it's for the better).
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to give us a shout how it all turned out.
IamMe90
Bluelighter
my first piece of advice you won't like or follow period, which is to stop the relationship period. In my personal experience, relationships with mentally unstable people don't really wori out.
I know this sounds cruel, and you know, it sort of is, but the prognosis on most severe mental ailments is not such happy figure. my mom has been married to my severely bipolar, alcoholic dad for over 20 years and the fact of that matter is that he's never been able to get better. there are period of recovery, but they are inevitably followed by relapses and more failure. this culminates in a bunch of disappointment, regret, and an unbelievable amount of stress which is probably difficult for you to imagine at your age (i'm not saying you haven't been through a lot in this relationship, because you have, but look to the many women/men in their 60s who have had to deal with the same baggage for almost twice as long and it really starts to wear them down).
but, that advice aside, give him the ultimatum. but do so in a reasonable way; be gentle with your tone and mannerisms, but be very clear and firm on your position. Explain to him calmly why this is such a bad idea as you have to us, hell, even SHOW him these posts as you're probably able to better articulate yourself in this medium than in person. it might help him to see our many posts of agreement, as well.
the truth is, dating a paranoid schizophrenic is hard enough, and almost an impossible challenge. dating one that refuses to take the very serious advice of his doctor's and the warnings of personal experience IS impossible.
love can be a terribly persuasive and enticing thing, i know from personal experience, it can sway us to make bad long term decisions. but if you can't fix his trajectory, don't let that happen to you. your life is first foremost, yo
I know this sounds cruel, and you know, it sort of is, but the prognosis on most severe mental ailments is not such happy figure. my mom has been married to my severely bipolar, alcoholic dad for over 20 years and the fact of that matter is that he's never been able to get better. there are period of recovery, but they are inevitably followed by relapses and more failure. this culminates in a bunch of disappointment, regret, and an unbelievable amount of stress which is probably difficult for you to imagine at your age (i'm not saying you haven't been through a lot in this relationship, because you have, but look to the many women/men in their 60s who have had to deal with the same baggage for almost twice as long and it really starts to wear them down).
but, that advice aside, give him the ultimatum. but do so in a reasonable way; be gentle with your tone and mannerisms, but be very clear and firm on your position. Explain to him calmly why this is such a bad idea as you have to us, hell, even SHOW him these posts as you're probably able to better articulate yourself in this medium than in person. it might help him to see our many posts of agreement, as well.
the truth is, dating a paranoid schizophrenic is hard enough, and almost an impossible challenge. dating one that refuses to take the very serious advice of his doctor's and the warnings of personal experience IS impossible.
love can be a terribly persuasive and enticing thing, i know from personal experience, it can sway us to make bad long term decisions. but if you can't fix his trajectory, don't let that happen to you. your life is first foremost, yo
^
Done and done. This isn't some out of the blue ultimatum. I'm not just giving it to him out of nowhere. We've talked extensively about this. About why it's a bad idea, about how horrible it makes me feel. He knows. I just think he thinks I've overreacting, so he doesn't... get it.
I recruited his mom awhile back, and she basically told me to be blunt. Remind him of all that he'd be losing, and the position he'd be putting everyone in if he were to do it all over again. So when he came home that day, I told him we had to talk, and I stood there bawling my eyes out, reminding him, while he stared off into the distance and shrugged me off. No one likes being told what to do. I know I don't. I can understand why he shut me out when I tried to take that approach, because I might have done the same thing were our position switched (then again, maybe not. If he came to me over something this serious, crying, and was truly hurting and upset, I'd probably give him the time of dayl).
However, the full out "I'm fucking gone if you do them again" ultimatum has been mentioned before too, and he seems to take it lightly. He'll frown at me all puppy dog like, then joke it off.
Done and done. This isn't some out of the blue ultimatum. I'm not just giving it to him out of nowhere. We've talked extensively about this. About why it's a bad idea, about how horrible it makes me feel. He knows. I just think he thinks I've overreacting, so he doesn't... get it.
I recruited his mom awhile back, and she basically told me to be blunt. Remind him of all that he'd be losing, and the position he'd be putting everyone in if he were to do it all over again. So when he came home that day, I told him we had to talk, and I stood there bawling my eyes out, reminding him, while he stared off into the distance and shrugged me off. No one likes being told what to do. I know I don't. I can understand why he shut me out when I tried to take that approach, because I might have done the same thing were our position switched (then again, maybe not. If he came to me over something this serious, crying, and was truly hurting and upset, I'd probably give him the time of dayl).
However, the full out "I'm fucking gone if you do them again" ultimatum has been mentioned before too, and he seems to take it lightly. He'll frown at me all puppy dog like, then joke it off.
You're right. I wouldn't follow that kind of advice. You don't just up and leave someone every time things get uncomfortable or difficult. No one would stay in a relationship if that were the case. I would leave as an absolute last resort, and probably not until after he'd actually taken them.
As for mental illness, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Adult ADHD. It's not like I have soccer fields of room to judge. Both of those mental issues, however mild they may seem, can make me a very difficult person to live with sometimes.
As for mental illness, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Adult ADHD. It's not like I have soccer fields of room to judge. Both of those mental issues, however mild they may seem, can make me a very difficult person to live with sometimes.
craigyt2k
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2010
- Messages
- 298
Just see how it goes, dont be hasty if you love him and he already knows your not happy about him using drugs, offer something else to do instead. it must be hard for him too if your asking him too quit something he enjoys regardless off past issues with health, hopefully he has learned not to go off the rails again next time he uses, if he does.
knock
Bluelighter
By the looks of what he said on the other forum, he's going to steer clear of pyschedelics because you "will fight him tooth and nail", so he would seem to value you more than the drugs.
You say he shrugs it off, I very much agree with your mothers advice that you ought to be blunt... put him on the spot. When he tries to get away with a joke circle right back to the point of how he would feel if you left him for that and if that would really be worth it. How that feeling would suck compared to the relatively minor "necessity" - if that is an appropriate word at all in the context of psychedelics - of tripping.
I must say I have a hard time loving anything else as much as tripping, so from a hardly sane point of view I must say that somewhere I can relate to that feeling. I haven't done it in a good while but the thought of having to give it up forever makes me very sad. Still, like I said I can understand why I have other things to tend to right now. He should come to the same conclusion.
I must say I have a hard time loving anything else as much as tripping, so from a hardly sane point of view I must say that somewhere I can relate to that feeling. I haven't done it in a good while but the thought of having to give it up forever makes me very sad. Still, like I said I can understand why I have other things to tend to right now. He should come to the same conclusion.
I think that it is possible that there are other reasons, the reasons he don't want to tell you.
Also, do you mean he he is feeling better from recreational drugs? If so, suggest him to take proper medication, because recreational drugs are just temporal solution.
See, but I'm afraid if I keep circling back around, it's going to lead to a huge blowout fight, and things are going to get said and done on his part that he doesn't mean out of anger.
No. I mean, he's taking prescription medication given to him by a doctor, and he's feeling better. Better than before he had his first episode even. And that's just it, I know there were underlying reasons before, but those reasons haven't come up in awhile, and he seems pretty adamant that really, he's just bored of reality, and needs something more exciting to do. I honestly don't think there's much more to it than that this time, or I would have some kind of tip-off like I had before. When there's something wrong, I tend to notice. There's a huge difference.
No. I mean, he's taking prescription medication given to him by a doctor, and he's feeling better. Better than before he had his first episode even. And that's just it, I know there were underlying reasons before, but those reasons haven't come up in awhile, and he seems pretty adamant that really, he's just bored of reality, and needs something more exciting to do. I honestly don't think there's much more to it than that this time, or I would have some kind of tip-off like I had before. When there's something wrong, I tend to notice. There's a huge difference.
A bit offtopic, but I read so many stories about drugs fucked people up. They all have in common something like this: "My girlfriend breaked up with me, my relationship with parents became worse". Usually such story is about opiate addiction or stimulant abuse, but anyway this seem to be a quite common situation. Happy-end is rare in such stories.
So, help your boyfriend, or he may end pretty bad.
So, help your boyfriend, or he may end pretty bad.
Those reasons may be hard to say or put into words for him himself really.
What I do believe would help is trying to find new goals in life. See what you like to do and what you are good at and if there is a healthy mix to keep yourself occupied with those things. Then schedule them into your life, so that there are new reliable reasons to get up in the morning. Things that you do for you.
Psychedelics are sometimes called tools useful for soul searching, I agree that they are useful for lots of kinds of searching. But to keep on searching can make you very restless and without a reliable, constant and tangible reason, at least in my experience. Some people may find that they are searching for ultimate answers without really knowing what the question is. For people not very experienced at all with tripping this can happen as well because they can get the feeling that something will be unveiled for them that offers a sudden relief. People who have had only a brief brush with psychedelics could have this the worst because they have seen glimpses or a tip of the iceberg and they are dying to find out about the rest. It's what may make people come back to ketamine countless times, it can also explain why people want to do it again despite that they only had negative experiences. It is the promise that the next time they do it there is a chance that it will all work out.
Even if psychedelics aren't typically called addictive, it does sound like chasing the dragon to me. Unfortunately speaking for myself if this is true what I say it doesn't mean that I can let go all of a sudden. And unless there is a real reason for me not to continue pursuing I think that I will trip again in a while, only in very moderate frequency.
Sorry
this isnt about me.
What I do believe would help is trying to find new goals in life. See what you like to do and what you are good at and if there is a healthy mix to keep yourself occupied with those things. Then schedule them into your life, so that there are new reliable reasons to get up in the morning. Things that you do for you.
Psychedelics are sometimes called tools useful for soul searching, I agree that they are useful for lots of kinds of searching. But to keep on searching can make you very restless and without a reliable, constant and tangible reason, at least in my experience. Some people may find that they are searching for ultimate answers without really knowing what the question is. For people not very experienced at all with tripping this can happen as well because they can get the feeling that something will be unveiled for them that offers a sudden relief. People who have had only a brief brush with psychedelics could have this the worst because they have seen glimpses or a tip of the iceberg and they are dying to find out about the rest. It's what may make people come back to ketamine countless times, it can also explain why people want to do it again despite that they only had negative experiences. It is the promise that the next time they do it there is a chance that it will all work out.
Even if psychedelics aren't typically called addictive, it does sound like chasing the dragon to me. Unfortunately speaking for myself if this is true what I say it doesn't mean that I can let go all of a sudden. And unless there is a real reason for me not to continue pursuing I think that I will trip again in a while, only in very moderate frequency.
Sorry
this isnt about me.^^^ How did he respond when you suggested to lay off drugs for a while?
It is great that he is feeling better. And I am sure there are a lot of things that can entertain a person.
Personally, I played board games, watched anime, watched films, played yoyo, played computer games, posted on imageboards, loved to walk in my town, played chess. Now I post on BL, have a part-time job(which I like), take drugs. Also I am going to buy a kickscooter to ride on
But I am just a different person that can be "obsessed" with different things.
What I am try to say. There are many activities that can entertain him. Also, could he find a job? It may also help him.
It is great that he is feeling better. And I am sure there are a lot of things that can entertain a person.
Personally, I played board games, watched anime, watched films, played yoyo, played computer games, posted on imageboards, loved to walk in my town, played chess. Now I post on BL, have a part-time job(which I like), take drugs. Also I am going to buy a kickscooter to ride on
But I am just a different person that can be "obsessed" with different things.
What I am try to say. There are many activities that can entertain him. Also, could he find a job? It may also help him.
Alright, if psychedelics messed this guy up to the point where you had to spoon feed him then he doesn't need to be anywhere near them, I know your not suppose to take psychedelics if you have preexisting mental issues, but that sounds pretty severe, I don't think I've heard of anything quite that drastic from tripping. I guess like you said it's schizophrenia, but that being said, I noticed you remarked " he talked me into LETTING HIM smoke weed with friends"
First of all you shouldn't be "letting him" do anything your not his boss your his girlfriend, you should have NO say as to whether he smokes weed or not. If psyches mess him up that much and he decides to continue to use them, then that is HIS choice, you cannot make that choice for him. but you CAN let him know that there will be CONSEQUENCES to his choice, and one of those CONSEQUENCES will be that YOU won't stand by and watch him mentally destroy himself.
SO in all I think if they have that bad of an effect on him then by all means leave him if he wants to continue using them, BUT you can't have the attitude of "you can do this but not that" because it's not YOUR place to Make decisions for HIM as to what he can do,. Remember your his Girlfriend not his boss, not if he does not want to be thoughtful enough to your needs to make the right decisions in something that severe to his mental health,. then what you CAN do is make decisions of your own to protect your own mental health and well being ie: Leaving him and not participating in his lifestyle changes.... Good Luck and I hope you work this out in a way that leaves you Happy........
First of all you shouldn't be "letting him" do anything your not his boss your his girlfriend, you should have NO say as to whether he smokes weed or not. If psyches mess him up that much and he decides to continue to use them, then that is HIS choice, you cannot make that choice for him. but you CAN let him know that there will be CONSEQUENCES to his choice, and one of those CONSEQUENCES will be that YOU won't stand by and watch him mentally destroy himself.
SO in all I think if they have that bad of an effect on him then by all means leave him if he wants to continue using them, BUT you can't have the attitude of "you can do this but not that" because it's not YOUR place to Make decisions for HIM as to what he can do,. Remember your his Girlfriend not his boss, not if he does not want to be thoughtful enough to your needs to make the right decisions in something that severe to his mental health,. then what you CAN do is make decisions of your own to protect your own mental health and well being ie: Leaving him and not participating in his lifestyle changes.... Good Luck and I hope you work this out in a way that leaves you Happy........
^^ mrdocat, I read your recent thread. Are you looking for HPPD treatment? OP's boyfriend doesn't seem to have it.
IMO, everyone is different and that's why there are plenty of anti-psychotics.
In any case, you shouldn't take the medication that "helped your friend".
IMO, everyone is different and that's why there are plenty of anti-psychotics.
In any case, you shouldn't take the medication that "helped your friend".
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I'll not take the medication I just want to know. Things are worse. I can't think well. I thought I had HPPD because I have afterimages, but my concern is not it, it's the psychologic side.
I honestly have no idea of what I have and the psychiatrists give me remedies that makes me worse. Today is being the worse day. I can't think well. I fell druggy. I'm desperate. Please someone help me. I think I've became crazy. I'm alone. I don't know what to do.
I honestly have no idea of what I have and the psychiatrists give me remedies that makes me worse. Today is being the worse day. I can't think well. I fell druggy. I'm desperate. Please someone help me. I think I've became crazy. I'm alone. I don't know what to do.