Is forgiveness necessary to move on?

[psytaco]

I have been thinking about this alot lately. If you were hurt badly by someone, say a lover or a friend, is it necessary to forgive them in order for you to be able to move on with your life?

As some of you may know due to my posts here, my ex cheated on me and then ran off with the guy. It broke my heart. Now I am in a much better place mentally (after 6 months) but still think about it each day with a degree of hurt and bitterness.

Forgiveness is often spoken about in order to heal. Alot of religions also talk about it (particularly Christianity). I'm not religious but I don't discount some of the moral and life teachings.

So is forgiveness necessary? And if so, how does one begin to forgive? I am at the point now where I feel alot better about the whole situation and am enjoying my life to a degree, but the painful experience is still something I think about each day. If you feel that someone did something to you that is unforgiveable, and you don't feel like you can forgive them, then is it possible to forgive them? Does it take time for you wounds to heal completely before you can do it?

Feel free to share your stories. for those of you that have forgiven, has it made your life better or at least let you get past that difficult part of your life? For those of you haven't forgiven, do you think it has held you back or doesn't forgiveness really matter?

 

[Lysis]

I don't know if it's so much forgiveness as it is just not caring anymore. lol

It also depends on what he did. Cheating is a tough one to forgive, so I think it's more of a factor that you need time to get over it. I've sat down and had dinner with ex-BFs who have cheated on me and we've had a completely platonic night's out on a friendly level. I would never have a serious relationship with them after what they did, but I can get over it. I don't know if I actually forgive them, because maybe if I did, then I could do what they wanted from me and we could go back to how we were, but they've ruined it so I have 0 trust or interest in them anymore.

Honestly, for me to forgive someone for something as bad as cheating, I have to be in love with them and even then I dunno if I could forgive for cheating. I'm an all or nothing type of girl, because I see these old couples or even just married people my age and they are just so miserable. I don't want to be miserable with someone. I'd rather be single. Cheating would completely wipe a lot of trust I had in the person. I can be cordial, and I won't be angry and I will get over it, but I don't think I could be intimate with him again. It would pretty much kill my chemistry, and I need chemistry and sensuality to be intimate with someone.

It sounds like you're not over it yet, and that's totally understandable if you loved her. You're in a new city with no friends and she ran off with some guy. That's a lot of shit to throw on a person.

I do think getting over it makes my life better, but I am not an angry or bitter person by nature. I still talk to a lot of ex-BFs and even my ex-husband. Just don't allow yourself to be bitter and angry. Don't allow her to control you in such a way that makes you miserable.

 

[Belisarius]

In my op, absolutely. Especially, forgiving yourself.

 

[llama112]

Agreed with forgiving yourself.

But forgiving the other person? Why? If you are able to forget about it, or stop caring, then I think that works just as well. That way you can still allow yourself to move on. If you still dislike the guy that cheated on you ... I don't see anything wrong with that. But being able to move on involves not caring about it as much.

 

[Pagey]

^I agree. The not caring anymore thing has always worked better for me. I've recently realised I'm pretty much completely over the LT term ex who was seeing a friend of mine behind my back during our last couple of months. He also made me feel like complete shit about myself in basically every aspect of my life. I've absolutely not forgiven him for any of it though, and I don't want to because I certainly don't think he deserves to be forgiven. I just realised he's not worth being upset about.
It's funny because just a few days ago he actually sent me an e-mail - we broke up last april and hadn't spoken since last august - apologising for some fo the stuff he'd done and admitting he'd been a prick. It was actually quite a nice message but it doesn't make up for anything IMO, so I sent him back a rather spiteful answer in which I included the fact that I'd never had an orgasm in almost 3 years of sex with him. Revenge is a dish best served cold
And I'd never forgive the 'friend' he was sleeping with.

Same with my dad, I despise him and I've certainly not moved on with my life regardng certain things he's done, but I hope that one day I'll be able to do that by getting to that neutral point of not caring. Honestly I jsut think some things don't deserve to be forgiven, and if you give that person forgiveness it's like acknowledging they've won. Moving on by forgiving and accepting yourself is proving that yo'ure stronger

 

[Foreigner]

In terms of physiological and cathartic effect, I don't think there is a real distinction between forgiving yourself or forgiving the other person. Forgiving them or forgiving yourself still has the effect of release and letting go for you. If you forgive yourself but keep hating the other person then you are still hurting yourself, since the feelings and projections are all coming from you. Your body doesn't know who/what the object of hate is, just that there is hate, and that impacts you.

Forgiveness is always about your release, and not justifying whatever the other person did.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

Finding your peace with it, and forgiveness are two different things.

If you were going to stay with this person after that, then some level of forgiveness would have to take place.
But since there is no longer a future in sight, you just have to find your peace with it.

And... who knows, the world is a crazy place. You may end up with [said] person again... and once you've found your peace with it, it will be much easier to begin to forgive them for what they have done.
People make mistakes. And have to live with them. It's not fair to punish them for what they've done on top of it.
In the long run, it usually ends up torturing you more than it tortures them.

People make mistakes.

 

[China Rider]

thinking many reasons why an ex did what she did and defending her behavior with every excuse in the book helped me move on...but i'm in no position to tell you what's necessary

your ex is human, she wants to be happy, it sucks knowing that you couldn't provide happiness, and even though you may have been happy, if she were to stay with you long term, even though she's sneaky miserable with you, agrees to get married....five years later you'll be stuck in divorce land, questioning if life is even worth living

i feel like even if you did your best and committed your life to meeting, what you thought, were her needs, no matter how it ends, holding yourself fully accountable will do you good, because even if you're completely blind to it, if you didn't request for separation, chances are her decision to run away were because of your actions, fair or unfair, doesn't matter

don't start dating just to make it easier to forget, yes it works, but the consequences aren't worth it, you're going to end up comparing and wishing she was more like your ex, you'll eventully stop calling and congrats, you just broke a woman's heart! now you're back in the same position you were after the break up, it's a vicious cycle....if you want a new girlfriend and an awesome loving relationship, you might have to wait awhile,but not forever

 

[Tude]

Fuck forgiving people. If someone knows they're doing something wrong and they do it anyway, they're a piece of shit. Forgiving them won't fix anything. Needless to say, I've never forgiven anyone. I've not been cheated on, but people have crossed me in various other ways (they mistake my kindness for weakness). What I do is learn from what happened and hold that grudge. At one point, whatever was done to you dissipates in your mind, but you'll hopefully be able to see betrayal, etc. coming and be able to avert it next time.

 

[aussie101]

If you were hurt badly by someone, say a lover or a friend, is it necessary to forgive them in order for you to be able to move on with your life?

No. Who cares. Move on.

 

[dopemaster]

For me it is. Now that does not mean I forget what happened or even speak to the person but anger can be a heavy burdon to bear. If you are cheated on and forgive a woman and continue to see her most likely she will cheat on you again. So in that sense burn me once shame on you, twice shame on me. But yes I believe forgiveness is essential to moving past things that have bothered you in the past. If its difficult try praying for them. Yes its silly but thats where it comes from in the christian faith. In the book of Matthew it says something like "pray not for just your brothers and sisters, but pray for your enemies if not you would be no better than the...". Long story short I find forgiveness brings peace of mind.

 

[T. Calderone]

You don't have to completely forgive but try not to think about it so much. My ex was cheating on me, using my car to pick up other chicks. In his final hoo-haw breaking it off, he sent me a text of her getting in my car. He said he fucked her in my car, exact words. Classy huh? It absolutely shattered me. I have a lot I can't elaborate on, but eventually he got his come-uppance via revenge. I'm not proud of what I did, but he deserved it. I think forgiveness is for accidental slights or small things. This man fucked me over and rubbed my nose in it. I don't know if I will ever actually forgive him.

The fucked up part is, this happened back in April. He's still calling me like we're best buddies, wanting me to watch tv with him, eat dinner, have drinks, blah. I got sucked in one last time because he has diabetic medical problems. Over the summer he had his 2 big toes amputated. So about a month ago, he called me and said he was in a lot of pain and needed me to take him to hospital in the morning, as they may have to amputate his foot. "Please come now, I need your help!" So serious.

So like an idiot, I go over there and he just starts pouring drinks and he's ok. Nothing wrong with him. Just wants his leg rubbed and I understand diabetic neuropathy but starts pulling a penis move on me. I said "uhh no stop perving on me, I still like you but not like. that" How fucked up is that? Thinking we could still be friends. A part of me still loves him but just can't be the same person I used to be with him. If it makes sense.

 

[Lysis]

You don't have to completely forgive but try not to think about it so much. My ex was cheating on me, using my car to pick up other chicks. In his final hoo-haw breaking it off, he sent me a text of her getting in my car. He said he fucked her in my car, exact words. Classy huh? It absolutely shattered me. I have a lot I can't elaborate on, but eventually he got his come-uppance via revenge. I'm not proud of what I did, but he deserved it. I think forgiveness is for accidental slights or small things. This man fucked me over and rubbed my nose in it. I don't know if I will ever actually forgive him.

The fucked up part is, this happened back in April. He's still calling me like we're best buddies, wanting me to watch tv with him, eat dinner, have drinks, blah. I got sucked in one last time because he has diabetic medical problems. Over the summer he had his 2 big toes amputated. So about a month ago, he called me and said he was in a lot of pain and needed me to take him to hospital in the morning, as they may have to amputate his foot. "Please come now, I need your help!" So serious.

So like an idiot, I go over there and he just starts pouring drinks and he's ok. Nothing wrong with him. Just wants his leg rubbed and I understand diabetic neuropathy but starts pulling a penis move on me. I said "uhh no stop perving on me, I still like you but not like. that" How fucked up is that? Thinking we could still be friends. A part of me still loves him but just can't be the same person I used to be with him. If it makes sense.

Wow. That's totally fucked up. Especially the part where he sent a pic of some chick and said he fucked her in your car? Jesus. What a scumbag. Totally not necessary. That just takes cheating to a new level to malicious and mean.

 

[Pagey]

You don't have to completely forgive but try not to think about it so much. My ex was cheating on me, using my car to pick up other chicks. In his final hoo-haw breaking it off, he sent me a text of her getting in my car. He said he fucked her in my car, exact words. Classy huh? It absolutely shattered me. I have a lot I can't elaborate on, but eventually he got his come-uppance via revenge. I'm not proud of what I did, but he deserved it. I think forgiveness is for accidental slights or small things. This man fucked me over and rubbed my nose in it. I don't know if I will ever actually forgive him.

The fucked up part is, this happened back in April. He's still calling me like we're best buddies, wanting me to watch tv with him, eat dinner, have drinks, blah. I got sucked in one last time because he has diabetic medical problems. Over the summer he had his 2 big toes amputated. So about a month ago, he called me and said he was in a lot of pain and needed me to take him to hospital in the morning, as they may have to amputate his foot. "Please come now, I need your help!" So serious.

So like an idiot, I go over there and he just starts pouring drinks and he's ok. Nothing wrong with him. Just wants his leg rubbed and I understand diabetic neuropathy but starts pulling a penis move on me. I said "uhh no stop perving on me, I still like you but not like. that" How fucked up is that? Thinking we could still be friends. A part of me still loves him but just can't be the same person I used to be with him. If it makes sense.

What a fucking prick. Hope karma gets its way with him.

 

[Beachcat]

I think forgiveness is necessary in general, in all aspects of life.

When we forgive someone we are being kind to ourselves. It really works to our own benefit to forgive others. I know I mess up all the time, sometimes by accident and sometimes deliberately. Sometimes I am sure I hurt those that I love. I want them to show mercy towards me...mercy is having the "right," if you will, to condemn or punish but choosing to forgive instead.

So because I want to receive mercy and forgiveness freely for myself, I choose to give it out freely.

OP, could you move on without forgiving? Sure. But you would end up a lesser person for it. Is the person that hurt you any worse off for you not forgiving them? Probably not. Are you worse of for not offering forgiveness? Probably so.

 

[China Rider]

some people feel forgiveness is necessary
some think that street justice is
and other's think substance abuse is

the better question:
what's plan, idea, or character trait is essential when trying to move on?
i'd say strength, avoidance, learning how to properly say good bye and mean it, get lucky and meet someone better, counseling,and re-gaining passion for forgotten hobbies

 

[psytaco]

In my op, absolutely. Especially, forgiving yourself.

A few people have mentioned this. Though in the case that I was talking about, I really don't think that I have anything to forgive myself for. Never once has she said that I did anything wrong. I always treated her with love, respect and trust. She has had plenty of opportunities to tell me otherwise, and I think if I had done something grossly wrong, then she would have told me. Short of contacting her again, and opening myself up to all the bullshit that comes along with that, I will just have to take what she has said so far at face value.

Speaking more generally, I agree forgiving yourself is important. In the past, I have done things that are wrong and (for the most part) owned up to them. I definately think forgiving yourself is the more important thing than forgiving the other person. You are the person who has to live with it, and you are the one who has to strive to better yourself.

 

[Cornishman]

Just a few weeks ago my (now ex) girlfriend turned on me.

It was morning. We'd both just woken up. I was late for a docs appointment and she asked me to make her a coffee.
Because she was permanently crippled from a car accident I would always accommodate her wishes as much as possible. But in this instance I was late so I told her 'No. I have a docs appointment'.

I sat up on the end of the bed and was trying to have a quick hit before I left the house when suddenly there was an enormous 'BANG' over the back of my head.

She had flipped out on me and decided to hit me with a massive glass ornament.
I was surprised and pretty upset at how someone could be so callous.

I think she wanted a reaction. Which she didn't get. In turn I think it pissed her off even more.

I left the house for my appointment and when I got back she was shouting at me 'What are you doing here. Get out' etc, etc.

It was like she was possessed. So full of hatred and poisonous.

I was completely dumbfounded and was trying to calm her down but nothing would work.

She ended up telling me how she didn't have feelings for me anymore and she wanted to be back with her ex boyfriend (who she left to be with me) because 'they have more history together'.

The whole scenario was crushing and to this day I keep asking myself what did I do wrong?

Anyway. It was hard to try and forgive her but I managed it.

+ she did apologize to me eventually.
In a way I feel sorry for her for not being able to control herself.

TL;DR: Without the ability to forgive I would be locked in a battle of hatred and it would make any future encounter with that person virtually impossible to deal with.

 

[Noodle]

short answer: YES

Forgive them and then forgive yourself for how you treated them when you were at your worst.

 

[Lysis]

Just a few weeks ago my (now ex) girlfriend turned on me.

It was morning. We'd both just woken up. I was late for a docs appointment and she asked me to make her a coffee.
Because she was permanently crippled from a car accident I would always accommodate her wishes as much as possible. But in this instance I was late so I told her 'No. I have a docs appointment'.

I sat up on the end of the bed and was trying to have a quick hit before I left the house when suddenly there was an enormous 'BANG' over the back of my head.

She had flipped out on me and decided to hit me with a massive glass ornament.
I was surprised and pretty upset at how someone could be so callous.

I think she wanted a reaction. Which she didn't get. In turn I think it pissed her off even more.

I left the house for my appointment and when I got back she was shouting at me 'What are you doing here. Get out' etc, etc.

It was like she was possessed. So full of hatred and poisonous.

I was completely dumbfounded and was trying to calm her down but nothing would work.

She ended up telling me how she didn't have feelings for me anymore and she wanted to be back with her ex boyfriend (who she left to be with me) because 'they have more history together'.

The whole scenario was crushing and to this day I keep asking myself what did I do wrong?

Anyway. It was hard to try and forgive her but I managed it.

+ she did apologize to me eventually.
In a way I feel sorry for her for not being able to control herself.

TL;DR: Without the ability to forgive I would be locked in a battle of hatred and it would make any future encounter with that person virtually impossible to deal with.

Jesus Christ. The stories I read on here sometimes. Sometimes I'm amazed they are true. lol Hitting you in the head with glass? That's insane. I don't understand why people think it's totally cool to put their hands on their partner like that. If anyone ever hit me, their shit would be on the front doorstep within the hour.