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Introduce Yourself

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n3ophy7e said:
Hey T*D, I've seen you around the place. Welcome to TDS <3
You are NOT a lost cause, no-one is, ever. It doesn't matter how badly you think you're doing, there is always hope and opportunity for change. I firmly believe that.
How long have you been depressed?
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Most of the time since age 11. Current severe episode started early this year. Even when not severe, there is still some depression.
 
Hey everyone, I'm Meg. I started with glue and Ritalin and pills have been a problem for me ever since.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing, I'm sober mostly now but I have weird moments when I hate everything so I get high or I drink if there's nothing else available. I don't want to quit, but I want to want to quit, if that makes any sense.
 
Hello. I've been a long time reader of BL and various other associated forums. I'm Jesse. I actually never touched drugs or anything until I turned 18, and even then barely ever. When I finally got put on ssris for severe depression/anxiety and I think the term is anhedonia? I was borderline anorexic and was 6'3" weighing 145 (from a whopping 250 lbs...all lost by diet change and gym a lot of miles on an elliptical trainer). Ssris made me actually worse for a while then states of mania came so I was being tested on with all kinds of meds. Well anyway after being Rx'd up I had dabbled in my drugs...got off ssris tried ecstasy ended up with a methbomb first time (and the entire experience was laced with an ominous vicious grin). I tried coke out of boredom and it was free. My ex had an ex who was a big cokehead and druggy, I was getting exposed to all new ppl, in college now. I eventually was rxed wellbutrin and ativan then swirtched to adderall and ativan. My first true addiction was poppy pods. I had been eating vicodin/percs and had a stockload of pods that I had extracted into an ultra potent tea. The moment I saw myself and what I was becoming I quit using cold turkey. All drugs cept ativan-which got changed to kpin since it was more suiting for my issues. W/d scared the shit out of me and made me so angry but gave me conviction. I lost friends, a relationship, self control, self respect, everything. I was clean and successful for almost a year, got to work in a biopsych(neuropsychopharmacology) lab as a volunteer @ school and we did awesome studies on autism using pitocin an oxytocin(neuropeptide not mispelled version of time release oxycodone/oxycontin) precursor and 5ht. I had a job @ a local adult/headshop. Eventually stress and guilt and denial of past that I kept buried beneath my ambition to overcome myself and live up to the metaphorical ubermensch archetype. I acted on emotion rather than thought which I had avoided doing and accomplished so much but I let my rage take over, relapsed and took some free coke from someone at a club because they pissed me off and I feltlike snorting all their coke would make me happy and them feel shitty and equilibrium is accomplished. My ego shattered by my lack of control I cheated on someone, 'hooked up' which I had never done, started stealing, abusing stimulants. I do all kinds of drugs but amp, dexamp, and meth really are my d.o.c. I fucked everything up again but recreated a mental thought complex built to outrace the speed of reality. I rarely can find meth but have had many stims. I also got hooked on oxy then subs then dope and now I am on subs and rxd amps/benzos along with occasional rc's. I don't want to quit amphetamine. I have tried selegiline + PEA and itwas nogood. I just wish I felt...different...I keep reading my writing and having realizations I'm leaving out major things I should include. I have few friends or anyone I could say I feel close to, I've never had many but now its gone beyond my own complacency. I only really need one other if they can reach my core. I want friends that I can be myself around, that I can share experiences with and just talk to in general. I want to be able to respect and admire the fuel that drives me. Find someone that can touch my head, send me spinning. <snip>
 
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I was diagnosed with depression, social anxiety disorder, general anxiety disorder, insomnia, ADD (not adhd)

I started on lexapro, couldn't deal with how it made me feel, switched to wellbutrin, overall it was an improvement but I still had moodswings intense anger and anxiety and feelings of emptiness/hopelessness. Was given ativan to tone down racing thoughts and sleep. The more I was able to focus and think out ways to overcome the sadness, ways to attach my own meaning and not get frustrated and get lost the better I got. Switched from wellbutrin to adderall because I had tried it once, actually was able to face myself and had the willpower to keep moving forward, talked to therapist about it and she and my psych agreed to try adderall based on how they both diagnosed me. I'm on it right now, its the reason I really felt focused and clear enough to decide I want to communicate and didn't let doubts or feelings of insecurity/anxiety to stifle myself. My cousin has aspergers syndrome supposedly. He is a lot younger than me but he shares many other disorders with me aside from an official asperger diagnosis. I can sorta relate to the mindframe tho, my mom was an autistic childrens teacher for 10 yrs or so before I was born so I found biopsych interesting. My current situation --- I'm inconvienced by having to do some community service over a stupid thing that makes me feel rage...I hate police, I hate people that patronize and condescend me, force me to do things....it would be great if someone could impose the same feelings of helplessness and despair on the pigs, break them down...*sigh* sorry I ramble when I get that feeling..
I am ok though. I physically get horrible night sweats and during the day sometimes I'm covered in sweat. I never used to have that problem. Its gross tho. I think its something with the suboxone I take. I have a hard time making friends. Sometimes I can get flooded by shallow social attempts-some skank wants to fuck me whatever, I really don't like that shit. I don't like getting hit on in crude ways or being viewed the way those ppl see me. I guess my demeanor is somewhat antisocial at times
 
My name is book. No shit really almost 39 been in and out of the drug culture since I was 16 I have no real doc weed everyday meth too much here lately. Coke maybe half a dozen times a year and tabs about that much too Found this site on accident but think it's awesome I write a lot of songs , poems and been working on a book about the life of a smuggler growin up on Louisiana
 
The Librarian said:
My name is book. No shit really almost 39 been in and out of the drug culture since I was 16 I have no real doc weed everyday meth too much here lately. Coke maybe half a dozen times a year and tabs about that much too Found this site on accident but think it's awesome I write a lot of songs , poems and been working on a book about the life of a smuggler growin up on Louisiana
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Welcome aboard.
 
I'm sorry for glorifying anything Ocean. I really didn't even realize or think about it...I was as I am now, high, and I just meant I missed having people to talk to but...this is why..me.
Thanks for the recommendations for the depression/anxiety threads. I'm actually in the process of looking for a certain therapist/psychologist or something. If theres any threads that would pertain towards helping choose the right type of therapist that would help. I know some practice behaviorism, others do other methods. I'm trying to find out what kind of person I want to talk to. Someone who I can talk to about philosophical issues, in depth conversations, as well as emotional little things... I used to go to therapy with a woman who was technically a social worker, I didn't like her approachs to things a lot of the time. She harbored a bias at a point where I caught myself becoming addicted and tried to force NA on me and said I COULDN'T overcome the addiction myself. Her son was an alcoholic who did the whole 12 step stuff. I went cold turkey and proved her wrong, after that I found it hard to really confide in someone who tried to make me feel helpless at one of my most vulnerable moments.
 
Kerrigan said:
Introduce Yourself in this Thread!
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Hey im known on here as slowpoke1967,being my year of birth ,kinda obvious.
I came here searching for questions i had and found myself reading alot about other stuff .
I think i liked the site from the start so many people shareing and helping answering questions but i guess this is supposed to be about me.
So anyway i have sufferd from many dissorders ,,Ihave a very high IQ --not bragging its jst plane truth.
So when i search and find answers im greatfull ,I also find many idiots posting shit they dont even know about ,but hey thats kewl i still like to read what others have to say and maybe one day i can help others.
anyway im 43 now since august 2010 single now and been on meds for at the least ten years not including meds i used to be on when i was a kid but we wont go there yet. lol
Just want people to know i love to help if i can and love to get help if i can.
I plan on stayin on this site for the meer fact i like it so far.
We'll just have to see where this all goes .
There good enough ,,,,I hope so if not let me know and ill post more ...PEACE ...
 
Hi slowpoke, welcome to Bluelight <3
Yep, there is a wealth of information here so I hope you can find some that is useful to you, whilst sharing some of your own knowledge and experiences :)
 
My name is Kay, I'm 18, I live in Australia and I'm new to TDS but hope to find some valuable information and maybe some help if I shall ever need it.

I believe that I am at the very beginning of my meth addiction and am constantly at war with wanting to quit for several reasons.

Reasons to quit
- My parents are aware that I am on something that isn't ecstasy (they know I do ecstasy at raves and now, speed but not meth)
- My best friend/boyfriend is further in his addiction than I am and his mum and I both agree that he needs help before he develops permanent psychosis, I want to quit because of this so I will not be his enabler and because we have more fun without drugs
- His mum thinks that I should get help because I am at risk of ODing again and that I could possibly die next time

Reasons not to quit
- I am newly 18, I love to rave and have waited AGES to finally be able to go to 18+ events
- I enjoy it with the right company ei. not my best friend because of his pyschosis. I usually enjoy doing it with my ex but this just leads to sex
- I have a physical disability that gives me weak muscles and I am unable to build up muscle mass even with the help of steroids and when I am on it, I feel like I have the energy that a normal person has, sometimes more so
 
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Hi Kay, I'm in western Sydney as well! Welcome to The Dark Side <3
I sincerely wish you the best with your stuggles with meth. Have you had any success with quitting for any lengths of time before? Has your boyfriend tried to quit before?
 
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