Introduce Yourself

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Hi I'm stereo mic and have nothing to do with music or rapping.
I'm 25 an ex-chef got MS about 2 years ago( I have violent muscle spasms in my arms thats why I'm an ex-chef, bit dangerous in a kitchen), started drinking and smoking weed about 14 by 18 taken E, lsd, coke,speed, mushrooms and vallies. Had a bit of a base habit between 17 and 19, since then I see the signs of me getting a habit and stop whatever I'm doing also my dad is an alcoholic so I've seen the effects of drug addiction. Love my psychedelics done loads of 2-c-xx, doi will be trying 4-aco-dmt and dmt soon. I'm perscribed clonazepam for my spasms which is concerning me a bit( its 3:38 I've not had any, smoked a few joints but I'm wide awake!) Other than that I consider my self a healthy person.
 
Hey all. I just wanted to drop TDS a formal hello since I just recently started posting. I've been into drugs since I was 14 and just recently ended a long going love affair with Speedballs. One of my mod friends convinced me to start getting involved in BL instead of just lurking. I think addiction is much easier to overcome with the help of good people that truly care for ones well being. This place is full of those kind of people and has keep me and many others from truly hurting themselves. This is no game we are playing here a lot of these situations discussed can be a matter of life and death. I just hope I can help one person from doing something they truly would regret.

Feel free to PM anytime I'm usually free and more then willing to talk.

Take it easy
 
Hi, i'm orangutangpsychopa. I'm not enthusiasted buyer and live north, in a small country. What i mean, the person hereby where i live should be socially active and doing deals/buys often, i don't. I have gone through that period that there is a massive need for abusements. And i don't think i even could, IMO mostly those who live on mother and so on have easy money system. I'm too poor and non-social, i'd put it this way, i can't get drugs enough. But passed the age so nothing worries me.

What the damn it could be next, i don't know. I've done the damn need-achievements and know law and rules. I'd say nothing big changes if not active to something.

Maybe the lesson of those wasted times, those without girlfriend, i definitely like women, is that when something good is available, take as much as can.

I've also suffered from panic disorder my whole life but still been surprisingly social and so know life normal way. Now it's passed but i'm adult and so are many others, it means here independent living, with a partner and friends, or plain friends, or lone but not lonely.

Always comes something in social area of living if wants enough, but what the hell, who cares so damn much you know. I don't feel cursed. I'm 31 and the dope and alcohol things started when i was young, of course.
 
I'm 24 and I have problems with severe anxiety, somaticism, panic disorder, AVPD, stress related ocd, ptsd, major depression or anheondia, psychotic episodes that weren't pinned down anywhere in bipolar or schizophrenia but are somewhere around there (idk), mutisms, sleep disorders, self-injury--migraines and seizures. My parents refused to treat most of my teenage years so I just abused dxm, xanax and various painkillers until I got committed. I have had a lot of bad psychs, so far the only thing that has made me feel any better is substance abuse. Obviously it is mostly downers or anything I can use that has downer properties. I've been dependent on klonopin for 3 years and I'm trying to taper off it now to see where I am at anxiety and health wise without it but it's been very difficult.

Like other people have said feel free to PM or IM me if you have similar problems although I'm still struggling with mine.

I know the same, out of money when some ppl, friends, are having drug boom? As young or now. You have been given regular money, trust me, you been given it or you stolen it from parents as drug kid, i have too. What i'm only been doing besides medicines as benzos, valium and xanax, it's been hashish. And psychedelics, actually internet is only place where to get tryptamines except mushies, LSD, or DMT phalaris. And pot later, no-one were even expecting any bud then but weed or hashish, black too, chara was one too.

Tripping isn't for normal people IMO, that level of diagnoses, and knowing them, how it goes then, like psychedelics or done them so know what are?
I'm not putting my list here, tasted or used a lot, i did it in the first mail. BuT there was missing PMA and psilocybes.

I'm feeling totally good now, remembered Rosa Liksom and that damn comic "dekatanssi", i like art that way.

I can list my diagnoses now(given by doctor, no self-made lol): paranoidic schitsofrenia, panic disorder, borderline personality, polydrug addiction, benzo and sleeping pill addiction, alcohol addiction, psychedelics addiction. Those are different all, really.

Mildly traumatic past(nothing serious or jail), those i remember... Free translation, 2-way mind disorder, isn't it exactly bi-polar.

It's kind of freakish to be(me self) a little town hillbilly, but before some ppl gone to college levels or some to hard drugs, stims mostly, been using and wanted to use, drugs. Then after some total collapses and alcohol became adult and stayed alive from complicated phases, nothing heroism anyway.

I've been thinking that getting a companion somewhere, it can't be dog but woman. They collect themselves some time when figured out what i need and what the she needs, and get a better man after me, so what anyway. But those substances what at least tried can be listed so to know just about what they are. And some people are real assholes, trying to make others huff butane, and all kind of bullshit tricks. Fuck you, those, who you are, you know who you are. Not any here, but in real life. Complete ignorants and violent jail shitpiles.
 
hi, some of u will know me, some of u wont

the reason i left BL ashames me but for those who r mystified, here goes:
i hav a long history of commitment and almost 'obsession' with trying to save evryone in TDS
some ppl really appreciated the out-there advice id give, letting it b fully known i generally only saw one way of conquering addiction
i, myself, was a recovering (though often relapsing!) methamphetamine habit which had tormented me from the time i was 15 (i am now 26) plus a heroin addiction on the side, and a poly-drug abuser and heavy drinker
by the time i got clean for a decent 6 months, a place came up for me to become wat id always dreamed of doing: moderating TDS
helping ppl is a passion of mine; a passion i took too far
before i was a mod i was on here, trying to help the many ppl id grown to luv in TDS to reach out and drop the drugs/alcohol and gave advice for those wiv mental illness too, as its sumthing i live wiv daily!
then wen i was a mod it was even better....at first...i loved working as a team and mixing with other mods and it made me feel like i was valued by the v ppl id come to care for more than some IRL friends (i didnt hav many friends outside the drug world and i was going to NA that yr to help me stay clean; sadly i just never fit in at NA)

then suddenly my life started to go downhill - first (ive always had horses and ponies) my 3month old brown-black colt foal, Bollinger, who was bred by me to b a showjumper (his black-brown thoroughbred mummy, Molly - my ex-showjumper, retired due to a leg injury had been bred to a noble chestnut German Hanoverian stallion called Washington DC and Bolly was the result: at that stage, a leggy foal with a fuzzy chocolate-coloured baby coat over the sleek shiny dark mahogany coat underneath, 4 clean black legs and a noble little head with big black-rimmed ears and a long dark brown head tapering to a cute little muzzle with a huge white snip covering it so his nose and mouth were pink) well oneday i got a call at like 6am from my mates brother Reuben who kept his pony in the stables where i was temporarily boarding Molly and Bolly (i was mates with the owner of the stables) screaming that Ange (my friend who owned the stable) hadnt bn well so shed got her hubby to feed all the horses and the lucerne chaff (which is in most horses hard feeds) was an old bag that had gone rotten so the horses were down with colic...theyd called out the vet and hed saved all the ones that were saveable and put down any who werent gonna make it due to complications
most horses r fine thru a bout of colic if the vets quick, u dont let them roll and twist their gut (ie. dont let them lie down) and if they rnt extremely young, old or weakened by any utha illness
3months is extremely young
my beloved foal, who id bn with evryday from the day of his birth had died...and id bn in my home in Auckland, far away from Rodney district where the stable was, so i cudnt say goodbye

afta Bolly, a couple of weeks later, Molly, who was only 12, dropped dead in her paddock id moved her to to graze with Anges broodmares and foals
the autopsy showed her heart just stopped
i suspected a broken heart tbh - i felt like dying!
i talked openly about it all on BL but i am the only horse nut here i think and i dont know if a non-horse owner could understand the feeling of losing one of these amazing animals who give so much to human beings
ppl treated me v kindly thru my grief and i was v grateful
however i also started to visit BL less and i started quietly using codeine and DHC - seemed kinda harmless at the time
i felt like modding was becoming an obligation then - i stopped being able to muster up ideas of ways to help uthas
for the first time in my BL yrs i read threads and thought 'God, stop whining - u cudnt live my life for a day' (told u, im here to b honest and eat humble pie)...i am ashamed but thats wat led me to wonder if i shud really b a mod

my co-mods were wonderful - i believe wen i was there, even before i was lucky enuff to b invited to join the team, that that was TDS at its best
i was drawn to it in the first place cos i hav borderline personality disorder - which, if u know someone with it, u will know, is not all bad: one thing ppl wiv BPD tend to hav, is a lot of empathy, as our feelings r v heightened and intense
so i not only had found a place where i cud help uthas like me, i also felt safe from trolls (i hurt v easily and wen ppl said nasty things, esp after i started to lose it afta the deaths of my horses, i self-harmed and zonked out on codeine/DHC)

i fell further wen my beloved dog, a rottweiler called Ozzy, carked it too.

next thing i was back smoking, then back to shooting, meth
i asked to take a 'break' for 'a fortnight or so' from modding
this was to become more like 2 months...
wen i reached a 3gm a day habit on meth within a few months i became a mess again and i hung round my meth fiend mates again
one of them was the bf of my best friend at the time - that bf happened to b the son of one of the more 'up there' members of a motorbike gang
i asked if the gang were involved in heroin and he said his dad helped smuggle it and deal it, and that it was gd shit
china white....my heads ultimate relief from the endless tweaking and the psychosis and the cops....it was my holiday from the crystal meth addiction id fallen back into
this is where it got skewed

the man i knew introduced me to his dad, telling him at the time that i was his and his gfs gd mate so i was no prob
i cud never pay the asshole in full but he gave it to me cheap if i gave him a bit of gd crystal and suck his cock
slowly as the addiction to smack came back, and my meth use got heavier and heavier, this dealer expected more and more sexual favours.....eventually i was basically his whore nightly and i owed him money too since my meth habit had worsened
i thought i was lucky - wat did it matter wat my friends father did to me.....i got heroin, straight from overseas, never bad batches causing ODs....this was pure, unstamped
wasnt i naive - i wasnt their friend!

one night i met him in the usual alleyway, took out my money and my meth and shooting gear
he said sharply to hop in the car quick, that hed left the gear at his house
if hed said the gangs pad i might not hav gone....but i was pretty fiendish - i fucking needed some skag or i was gonna chunder evrywhere soon

wen we reached his house where id bn before to visit my friend and her bf, his son, i raced up the steps
suddenly he came up behind me and grabbed the nape of my neck
u know wen u know sumthings wrong but its too late to turn back?
this was one of those times
wen the dealer opened his door i cud see his living room had about 13-14 large bikers in there
i started to ask about the H wen he pounced
long story short i was gang-raped
literally

i was then thrown out on the street out near the far-west semi-rural road into the Waitakere Ranges (of which i lived as a youngster and hav ended up living again strangely)
i was holding my bag of smack (yes they gave it to me....afta theyd had their fun) and trying to flag down cars - i was dope sick as fuck, my clothes had bn torn, i was crying, but someone by the grace of God was kind enuff to drive me home wen i flagged them down

by the next day id forgotten itd happened
all i knew was something bad had happened to me and i ached more than usual without skag
so i put myself in detox

over the next 4 months, still as a working mod, i stayed clean on and off then lapsed back into meth use (by then i was on MMT) wen i realised all the funny (well disturbing) dreams i was having, flashbacks that didnt make sense, and blackouts after dissociating regularly, were related, and then oneday during a therapy session i remembered the rape
THAT was wen i really fell apart as my fiance and i broke up over it (id strangely become terrified of sex)
then my fiance relapsed on booze and meth and started stalking me

i had a severe breakdown and left the mod job - i dont think its fair to try and b someone whos there to try and help ppl with their problems wen ur fucked up urself and u havnt got as much to contribute any longer, as some else might

wen i came back a yr later, i knew no one except some old-timers, but many of my closer friends on BL had left
TDS had changed
i cant say whether this is bad or gd - some things suit ppl more than uthas and its up to the mods
however, wen i returned, i was a heavy heavy user of meth again, and at that stage i felt like evryone here hated me for leaving or something, as i wud start threads and ppl wud actually say some really rotten things....which the mods, even after complaint from me, left up
this led me to think the mods didnt like me anyway
i thought they were plotting against me

to b fair, i was a douchebag in one thread i started
one id subconsciously made to fight wiv my gf online...
that wasnt my intention....but thats how it came out and im sure i did it subconsciously

i started trying to tell the mods how to do their job
i hated that we cudnt talk about any drug in a positive light, including legal drugs that rnt addictive, yet we cud b nasty to recovering drug addicts, mentally ill ppl and utha lost souls
basically i was frustrated that i was no longer pulling the strings to any degree
and cos of the person i become on meth (obnoxious) i was possibly v trying not just on the mods (one of whom i hav bn told for a fact apparently thinks im a drama queen and used to chat with me on messenger....i will not say that that person is perfect themselves, and if u read this and know who u r, im sorry i turned into such a monster u no longer saw the gd part of me) but my behaviour wud hav bn pretty taxing to the utha members who just wanted help
i desperately was crying for help at that stage, hence why i started all those threads, i just wasnt used to the changes in TDS and i realised id had a utopian view on this forum and it was time for a break

im aware that some of u rnt happy to see me back but i also hav bn told that ppl here hav missed me - thank u v much for sending ur luv, neophyte and ocean
i think its ppl like u, and my partner, known here as Sweet P, that remind me that while TDS has changed, and not evryone here will like me, i no longer care
cos if u come to a forum where ppl come to get help and u shoot them down wat kinda person r u anyway? missing out on ur friendship sure wudnt b much to miss!

thats all im gonna say about the past; basically to all of u, sorry u saw the ugly side of me just cos i was cranky from tweaking 24/7
im now 3.5months clean; i got clean wiv Sweet P and we live together wiv my mum, in Waitakere City, a small city west of Auckland, in a quiet semi-rural suburb
we hav started breeding guinea pigs and rabbits
our stud is called Freedom Farm: no missing the pun there

heres some brief statistics on me, for those who DONT know me:
NAME: Lydia
LIVES: Waitakere City, New Zealand
LOOKS: 5"2, long thick black/brown hair, slim, hazel eyes
NATIONALITY: part-Maori, part-Irish, part-Cornish
AGE: 26
INTERESTS: equestrian sports esp show-jumping/eventing/hunting/dressage/endurance, breeding small animals, sketching, bush walks, power metal esp IRON MAIDEN, reading, old cars esp Holdens
PETS: Maverick, Dream (horses), Lola (dog), Steve, Runty, Soma, Sugar, Samara, Shaman (rabbits), Sapphire, Dale, Sid, Sixx, Maryjane, Mushroom, Millie and Speed (guinea pigs)
STATUS: practically married to Sweet P though naturally bisexual
FAV SONG: Afraid to Shoot Strangers (Iron Maiden)
FAV ALBUM: Fear of the Dark (Iron Maiden)
FAV SINGER/BAND: (guess...)
D.O.C: methamphetamine/heroin
MENTAL ILLNESSES: borderline personality disorder, severe ADHD, PTSD, GAD, mild OCD

so thats me

for those who dont know me, my posts r long due to the ADHD
i hope sincerely that all those of u who were possibly harbouring grudges over me will accept my apology

i wont b posting for the next 2-3wks as ive bn slowly tapering off diazepam for ages and am down to 14mg from 40mg but having a tough time and evrytime i drop my dose of diazepam i need a higher dose of methadone to hold me (possibly cos i was on 40mg wen i was shooting H)...im on a ridiculous daily dose of 250mg liquid handcuffs a day
the doctor that oversees my methadone, diazepam taper (i hav epilepsy so hav to b pretty careful) and dexamphetamine, wants me to go into medical detox (again) to help stabilise me and make me more comfortable

wen i concentrate on it, yes ive learnt to live wiv feeling mildly dope sick and benzo sick full-time
today i even went for a nice little ride on Maverick, my main man, ie. the Arabian horse i got as a young stallion, broke in, gelded, and turned into a top show-jumper

any messages any of u wanna pass on, Sweet P's coming to visit, and id luv to know that ppl remember me and not all of u in a bad way!!!
i cud do wiv some cheer-ups, im a little nervous
FIRST TIME IN DETOX SINCE IT WENT SMOKE FREE! 8o

its really good 2 c u back here L, have to admit ive been thinkin of u and wishing ur ok and happy, just to c a post by u has lightened my day... im back here with the same problems pllus a few more to boot. so much <3 4u DW.
welcome back lovley lady:)
yall keep in touch ya hearz:)
S.M.F.G xox
 
What the hell?? No, actually have usually made less than I did and I've barely lived with them after 17. Thanks for the judgment then.

That's totally weird. Exactly same things. Yee. How the dxm then is? You can or want to escape with it? I do. This place little bit freaks me, have to say.

The drug count is unclear still. Can you explain something about them? And that judgement thing too, is it possible that you explain, if you want to.

Can i ask, are you evil some how or me? Is it wrong understanding. It was probably misunderstanding. So you are talking about yourself and it was 17 that age, right? Nothing complicated and it passes away?
 
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^^ No, no-one's evil in here, it might be called The Dark Side but this is a good place <3
There's plenty of time for us to get to know defective_lise, no need to interrogate :)
 
Ok, now get this frustration, i was on central for a walk. Then, coming back home a certain dude goes by with bicycle, most probably score hashish and to me haven't called that person where to go get, and owns me 30 euros. Then, a certain another dude is waiting a car and going to a certain MDMA head alcoholistic. Nothing been answered to me to text message.

So, should i blame people about being retardos. It hasn't been always this way. Now it's that when i call later some-one he is probably too leveled to sell any. Or trying to cheat money. And IMO it's not even opiate addicts but assholes. What the fuck i at this age do but want some grass or wanting to be social but it's difficult. Interrogate this too, tries to steal xanaxes, i'm not human but a damn benzo bank what to rob they think. It is very clear, i'm not upset, that if nothing reply happens, it's possible to read the posts of the person what could be interesting. And dating places surely are somewhere elsewhere. This is no fucking, i just said how things are, so you.
 
I'm not robbing the show everywhere all the time, it passes. But what i know, i'm becoming adult. My parents are very strickt. Their not owning a mercedes benz as a car or have extra half or quarter million on their account, but they been working their lives and studying. Their not any rich but doesn't live in apartment house, but when i was about 20 they did buy a apartment for me.

Before i was always out, some times very long times, maybe 2-3 months where ever. Then i losted it, at age about 21, that apartment they got me. Now it's sixth where i live. They, my parents just don't accept any substance abuse. Later i learned to cook and live on won. Now it's that i can control myself very well, but not to quit smoking cigarettes, but that's possible also if having a partner. That it's not too late this age, 31, to get a girlfriend again. Better side of me comes very clear to them, that i'm safe and nice and humorous. But at some time they start to feel locked away. Anyway for some reason, i'm not a pretty boy in the sense of the word, they like me quite a lot. Now what i mean is that if some adult comes by, not here, it could be for long again, but definitely not becoming any damn practise boyfriend to any late marturing somewhat mad headed woman. What i mean it helps a lot if that type of person, what i mean, been reading rationals up to mind and morals high, not in a sense how many drinks but others, stealing from friends, non accepting etc, parents have very high quality food, mom is excellent chef even it's definitely not her job.

And those whose education level and understanding are high values, get a good partner, then it's clear what ignorants are, low understanding and pocket lifters etc get only whores or beating monkeyface. That's it.
 
Hi, new poster to the site as a whole but long term lurker of TDS. I found that reading through the content posted and discussed in this area of the site helped a lot during the early days of giving up alcohol and opiates completely (Its now been 9 months) and getting to the stage where I’m comfortable being a recreational benzo user and weed enthusiast once again.
Happy Days!
 
Welcome dbd, and congrats on 9 months clean from alcohol and opiates!! That is awesome, and it's so good to hear that TDS helped you through that <3
Wicked username btw!!! If it's referring to the hardstyle artists I remember seeing them live about 5 years ago at a rave here in Sydney. Good times.
If it's not referring to them, then, carry on ;) =D
 
hi i am cheney_shoots_bush and i am new to bluelight but i am a long time oxycontin addict and i am hoping to get some help kickin the habit cuz i am an injector and the new op oxys have got me kinda screwed:(:(:(
 
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