hi, some of u will know me, some of u wont
the reason i left BL ashames me but for those who r mystified, here goes:
i hav a long history of commitment and almost 'obsession' with trying to save evryone in TDS
some ppl really appreciated the out-there advice id give, letting it b fully known i generally only saw one way of conquering addiction
i, myself, was a recovering (though often relapsing!) methamphetamine habit which had tormented me from the time i was 15 (i am now 26) plus a heroin addiction on the side, and a poly-drug abuser and heavy drinker
by the time i got clean for a decent 6 months, a place came up for me to become wat id always dreamed of doing: moderating TDS
helping ppl is a passion of mine; a passion i took too far
before i was a mod i was on here, trying to help the many ppl id grown to luv in TDS to reach out and drop the drugs/alcohol and gave advice for those wiv mental illness too, as its sumthing i live wiv daily!
then wen i was a mod it was even better....at first...i loved working as a team and mixing with other mods and it made me feel like i was valued by the v ppl id come to care for more than some IRL friends (i didnt hav many friends outside the drug world and i was going to NA that yr to help me stay clean; sadly i just never fit in at NA)
then suddenly my life started to go downhill - first (ive always had horses and ponies) my 3month old brown-black colt foal, Bollinger, who was bred by me to b a showjumper (his black-brown thoroughbred mummy, Molly - my ex-showjumper, retired due to a leg injury had been bred to a noble chestnut German Hanoverian stallion called Washington DC and Bolly was the result: at that stage, a leggy foal with a fuzzy chocolate-coloured baby coat over the sleek shiny dark mahogany coat underneath, 4 clean black legs and a noble little head with big black-rimmed ears and a long dark brown head tapering to a cute little muzzle with a huge white snip covering it so his nose and mouth were pink) well oneday i got a call at like 6am from my mates brother Reuben who kept his pony in the stables where i was temporarily boarding Molly and Bolly (i was mates with the owner of the stables) screaming that Ange (my friend who owned the stable) hadnt bn well so shed got her hubby to feed all the horses and the lucerne chaff (which is in most horses hard feeds) was an old bag that had gone rotten so the horses were down with colic...theyd called out the vet and hed saved all the ones that were saveable and put down any who werent gonna make it due to complications
most horses r fine thru a bout of colic if the vets quick, u dont let them roll and twist their gut (ie. dont let them lie down) and if they rnt extremely young, old or weakened by any utha illness
3months is extremely young
my beloved foal, who id bn with evryday from the day of his birth had died...and id bn in my home in Auckland, far away from Rodney district where the stable was, so i cudnt say goodbye
afta Bolly, a couple of weeks later, Molly, who was only 12, dropped dead in her paddock id moved her to to graze with Anges broodmares and foals
the autopsy showed her heart just stopped
i suspected a broken heart tbh - i felt like dying!
i talked openly about it all on BL but i am the only horse nut here i think and i dont know if a non-horse owner could understand the feeling of losing one of these amazing animals who give so much to human beings
ppl treated me v kindly thru my grief and i was v grateful
however i also started to visit BL less and i started quietly using codeine and DHC - seemed kinda harmless at the time
i felt like modding was becoming an obligation then - i stopped being able to muster up ideas of ways to help uthas
for the first time in my BL yrs i read threads and thought 'God, stop whining - u cudnt live my life for a day' (told u, im here to b honest and eat humble pie)...i am ashamed but thats wat led me to wonder if i shud really b a mod
my co-mods were wonderful - i believe wen i was there, even before i was lucky enuff to b invited to join the team, that that was TDS at its best
i was drawn to it in the first place cos i hav borderline personality disorder - which, if u know someone with it, u will know, is not all bad: one thing ppl wiv BPD tend to hav, is a lot of empathy, as our feelings r v heightened and intense
so i not only had found a place where i cud help uthas like me, i also felt safe from trolls (i hurt v easily and wen ppl said nasty things, esp after i started to lose it afta the deaths of my horses, i self-harmed and zonked out on codeine/DHC)
i fell further wen my beloved dog, a rottweiler called Ozzy, carked it too.
next thing i was back smoking, then back to shooting, meth
i asked to take a 'break' for 'a fortnight or so' from modding
this was to become more like 2 months...
wen i reached a 3gm a day habit on meth within a few months i became a mess again and i hung round my meth fiend mates again
one of them was the bf of my best friend at the time - that bf happened to b the son of one of the more 'up there' members of a motorbike gang
i asked if the gang were involved in heroin and he said his dad helped smuggle it and deal it, and that it was gd shit
china white....my heads ultimate relief from the endless tweaking and the psychosis and the cops....it was my holiday from the crystal meth addiction id fallen back into
this is where it got skewed
the man i knew introduced me to his dad, telling him at the time that i was his and his gfs gd mate so i was no prob
i cud never pay the asshole in full but he gave it to me cheap if i gave him a bit of gd crystal and suck his cock
slowly as the addiction to smack came back, and my meth use got heavier and heavier, this dealer expected more and more sexual favours.....eventually i was basically his whore nightly and i owed him money too since my meth habit had worsened
i thought i was lucky - wat did it matter wat my friends father did to me.....i got heroin, straight from overseas, never bad batches causing ODs....this was pure, unstamped
wasnt i naive - i wasnt their friend!
one night i met him in the usual alleyway, took out my money and my meth and shooting gear
he said sharply to hop in the car quick, that hed left the gear at his house
if hed said the gangs pad i might not hav gone....but i was pretty fiendish - i fucking needed some skag or i was gonna chunder evrywhere soon
wen we reached his house where id bn before to visit my friend and her bf, his son, i raced up the steps
suddenly he came up behind me and grabbed the nape of my neck
u know wen u know sumthings wrong but its too late to turn back?
this was one of those times
wen the dealer opened his door i cud see his living room had about 13-14 large bikers in there
i started to ask about the H wen he pounced
long story short i was gang-raped
literally
i was then thrown out on the street out near the far-west semi-rural road into the Waitakere Ranges (of which i lived as a youngster and hav ended up living again strangely)
i was holding my bag of smack (yes they gave it to me....afta theyd had their fun) and trying to flag down cars - i was dope sick as fuck, my clothes had bn torn, i was crying, but someone by the grace of God was kind enuff to drive me home wen i flagged them down
by the next day id forgotten itd happened
all i knew was something bad had happened to me and i ached more than usual without skag
so i put myself in detox
over the next 4 months, still as a working mod, i stayed clean on and off then lapsed back into meth use (by then i was on MMT) wen i realised all the funny (well disturbing) dreams i was having, flashbacks that didnt make sense, and blackouts after dissociating regularly, were related, and then oneday during a therapy session i remembered the rape
THAT was wen i really fell apart as my fiance and i broke up over it (id strangely become terrified of sex)
then my fiance relapsed on booze and meth and started stalking me
i had a severe breakdown and left the mod job - i dont think its fair to try and b someone whos there to try and help ppl with their problems wen ur fucked up urself and u havnt got as much to contribute any longer, as some else might
wen i came back a yr later, i knew no one except some old-timers, but many of my closer friends on BL had left
TDS had changed
i cant say whether this is bad or gd - some things suit ppl more than uthas and its up to the mods
however, wen i returned, i was a heavy heavy user of meth again, and at that stage i felt like evryone here hated me for leaving or something, as i wud start threads and ppl wud actually say some really rotten things....which the mods, even after complaint from me, left up
this led me to think the mods didnt like me anyway
i thought they were plotting against me
to b fair, i was a douchebag in one thread i started
one id subconsciously made to fight wiv my gf online...
that wasnt my intention....but thats how it came out and im sure i did it subconsciously
i started trying to tell the mods how to do their job
i hated that we cudnt talk about any drug in a positive light, including legal drugs that rnt addictive, yet we cud b nasty to recovering drug addicts, mentally ill ppl and utha lost souls
basically i was frustrated that i was no longer pulling the strings to any degree
and cos of the person i become on meth (obnoxious) i was possibly v trying not just on the mods (one of whom i hav bn told for a fact apparently thinks im a drama queen and used to chat with me on messenger....i will not say that that person is perfect themselves, and if u read this and know who u r, im sorry i turned into such a monster u no longer saw the gd part of me) but my behaviour wud hav bn pretty taxing to the utha members who just wanted help
i desperately was crying for help at that stage, hence why i started all those threads, i just wasnt used to the changes in TDS and i realised id had a utopian view on this forum and it was time for a break
im aware that some of u rnt happy to see me back but i also hav bn told that ppl here hav missed me - thank u v much for sending ur luv, neophyte and ocean
i think its ppl like u, and my partner, known here as Sweet P, that remind me that while TDS has changed, and not evryone here will like me, i no longer care
cos if u come to a forum where ppl come to get help and u shoot them down wat kinda person r u anyway? missing out on ur friendship sure wudnt b much to miss!
thats all im gonna say about the past; basically to all of u, sorry u saw the ugly side of me just cos i was cranky from tweaking 24/7
im now 3.5months clean; i got clean wiv Sweet P and we live together wiv my mum, in Waitakere City, a small city west of Auckland, in a quiet semi-rural suburb
we hav started breeding guinea pigs and rabbits
our stud is called Freedom Farm: no missing the pun there
heres some brief statistics on me, for those who DONT know me:
NAME: Lydia
LIVES: Waitakere City, New Zealand
LOOKS: 5"2, long thick black/brown hair, slim, hazel eyes
NATIONALITY: part-Maori, part-Irish, part-Cornish
AGE: 26
INTERESTS: equestrian sports esp show-jumping/eventing/hunting/dressage/endurance, breeding small animals, sketching, bush walks, power metal esp IRON MAIDEN, reading, old cars esp Holdens
PETS: Maverick, Dream (horses), Lola (dog), Steve, Runty, Soma, Sugar, Samara, Shaman (rabbits), Sapphire, Dale, Sid, Sixx, Maryjane, Mushroom, Millie and Speed (guinea pigs)
STATUS: practically married to Sweet P though naturally bisexual
FAV SONG: Afraid to Shoot Strangers (Iron Maiden)
FAV ALBUM: Fear of the Dark (Iron Maiden)
FAV SINGER/BAND: (guess...)
D.O.C: methamphetamine/heroin
MENTAL ILLNESSES: borderline personality disorder, severe ADHD, PTSD, GAD, mild OCD
so thats me
for those who dont know me, my posts r long due to the ADHD
i hope sincerely that all those of u who were possibly harbouring grudges over me will accept my apology
i wont b posting for the next 2-3wks as ive bn slowly tapering off diazepam for ages and am down to 14mg from 40mg but having a tough time and evrytime i drop my dose of diazepam i need a higher dose of methadone to hold me (possibly cos i was on 40mg wen i was shooting H)...im on a ridiculous daily dose of 250mg liquid handcuffs a day
the doctor that oversees my methadone, diazepam taper (i hav epilepsy so hav to b pretty careful) and dexamphetamine, wants me to go into medical detox (again) to help stabilise me and make me more comfortable
wen i concentrate on it, yes ive learnt to live wiv feeling mildly dope sick and benzo sick full-time
today i even went for a nice little ride on Maverick, my main man, ie. the Arabian horse i got as a young stallion, broke in, gelded, and turned into a top show-jumper
any messages any of u wanna pass on, Sweet P's coming to visit, and id luv to know that ppl remember me and not all of u in a bad way!!!
i cud do wiv some cheer-ups, im a little nervous
FIRST TIME IN DETOX SINCE IT WENT SMOKE FREE!
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