Hi everyone. My name is Erica and I live in south FL, been doing drugs since I was 19 (I'm 24 now). Started with pot, then kinda tried everything from booze to benzos to LSD and painkillers. I did LSD a lot for about a year around 21, also was doing PKs about twice a week for more than a year... then I got a prescription for a cough I had, Tussionex. I looked it up and knew I had the good stuff, and took it with some percocet I would have normally taken. It was an amazing experience for about two weeks, and eventually came to realize I was addicted and started screwing around with roxicodone and oxys. In March/April 2008 I told my parents, who I was still living with. I also have PTSD and my symptoms were getting really bad - flashbacks mostly, and anxiety.
I also have pretty major depression and DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. The closest "mainstream" portrayal of DID that is kind of like the real thing is that show "The United States of Tara" - it's not always like that but it's sort of realistic. I have many different personalities in my head, each of them with their own mannerisms and some with memories that I don't have, although I've gotten many of them over the last year since I've been going to therapy. I periodically "switch" into any one of them, and usually black out during that time, although I am working on being "co-conscious" with them. I don't know which is worse, doing crazy stuff without knowing what you did and being told about it, or seeing yourself doing it and not being able to stop yourself. I was only able to make progress after I moved away from my family, even though they don't abuse me any more, they used to. I don't live that far away, just not in the same house... that house...
So I was abused as a child, raped and beaten, for many years, by my father, his boss, my mother (mostly physical), a teacher, and about ten other people, some of whom I don't know other than "that kid who used to live down the street", and things like that. I was somewhat of a magnet to these types of people. Then I met a guy online when I was 14 who ended up wooing me with how much he loved me and crap like that, plus I wanted out of my house, and I went with him. Bad idea. Coercive Kidnapping is what they called it at the treatment center I went to. My parents let me go, and did visit me and stuff, but I was always under the guy's thumb and he used the DID thing to his advantage, I didn't know I had it at the time, but he certainly did, and anyway I could go on but basically he tortured me for 4+ years in his house, spent some money I had saved up, and when that was gone I started working shitty jobs to take care of his lazy ass. I was happy cause it got me out of the house, but he would make me quit when I got too comfortable and stalk me a lot, things like that. One time I was all black and blue and it would have been obvious if I went to work, so he just made me quit, which is totally out of character for me. Anyway, lots of really horrible things happened there, he tried to use me as bait to kidnap children, made me look at some horrible things happening to other children and teens IRL and online, and I had to escape and yada yada, and so I have PTSD. I hid it with drugs, but eventually it overcame me and I just had to give in and get help, or I was going to kill myself.
I have relapsed many times, I've been to AA/NA, which I see as a cult (if you read the thread on it in TDS you'll see why). Right now my use is pretty low, which is great, but I am abusing prescribed meds and painkillers every day pretty much, meaning one thing or another, every day. While that's keeping me from being addicted to one substance, I'm still addicted to drugs in general. I do have suboxone and an appt. to get more on the 30th, so I'm not in immediate trouble for withdrawal from opiates, thankfully. I am not able to work right now because of my PTSD and am starting EMDR therapy, actually I started on Monday, and I also see a therapist for 1:30 once a week. I was going to outpatient every day for about 5 months ending about 3 months ago.
Okay, I think that's enough about me. I also am a musician and songwriter, I wasn't allowed to play my guitar while I was kidnapped (obviously), but I picked it back up when I came back. It's depressing that I'm depressed enough that I rarely play it now... for about the last 6 months. I just don't want to do anything.
I'm here for support so I hopefully don't use anymore and face my demons in my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy sessions and EMDR therapy sessions (EMDR is an exposure therapy, you can read about it at EMDR.com).
Thanks for reading.
I imagine you won't have any problems finding material about opiates here. Glad you are here.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
)
) so ur the kind of member we like!