whazzup ppl ^o^,
I'm 28 and starting to loose grip in my life.
Ive been using mcat/khat powder for about 8 years now, but only regularly the last 4.
I only snort lines almost every weekend and smoke the occasional bong/mary J, I never injected anyting, I tried/used for a while: LSD, mdma, cocaine, crystal meth, mushrooms but stopped them all. Although I might take some lsd on occasion.
I have been doing all this secretly from my family. My mom caught me smoking ghanja but that was in highschool.
I am high on 'cat' now, lying in my bed sleepless,but tired, after 1,5 g since saturday night after work. It is now monday morning around 2am.
I am in a very weird place in my life at the moment, as I started to combine my 'habit' with weekend long online gaming. I dont get irritated when not using cat, but like I said I gotten into a nasty habit of needing cat when Im gaming.
I feel a bit down at this moment from being awake for almost 48 hours and not eating for 2 days,although I drink alot of Cola/water/tea or whatever . But that is just the comedown/body exhuastion talking. My mind i fully awake and I can feel my eyes are tired as I see slight halucinations, like small objects catching my periperal vision. Its almost like tiny birds flying quickly past me, just outside my focal vision, now and then randomly, its almost like a tennis ball coming towards me that I have to look in that direction. But im used to it.
I have been making bad disisions the last 2 years, loosing a great job as an Analyst Developer because I stole money from the petty cash to fund my habit. I made a good salary and stole cash aswell. They caught me eventually after a year and a half, and gave me immediate dismissal. I was so embarassed I cried and almost gave up on life.
I then had to move out of my apartment after a month as I didn't pay rent because I went on a cat-binge, eating junk food everyday and buying around 1-3 g's a day for a whole month. After this i was broke ,had nowhere to stay and accounts started to pile...
I had some friends staying on a farm just outside town with a big wendy house ,where I stay till this day. It is now almost a year later, and still no progress. I found a delivery job since december, and just making ends mead for the last 3 months.
However, I had to and still am dodging my bill as I just can't pay. My car's licence is a year behind, and I got 2 fines for an expired registration. Bills are just piling up...
I'm just thinking constantly -'F-the-world ,leave me alone I cant pay!'
Even worst of all I just keep making my life harder for myself, by ignoring everyone, I know this....but can't seem to take action, and man-up.
I don't like where I am now in my life, I heard of people relapsing when I was young and could never understand why they do. The whole concept seemed so stupid, I never thought I be that person... These are just some of my problems.
I also just barely make rent and tend to get a gram as soon as I have enough money. I don't buy clothes anymore or proper groceries and basically live day to day.
I was brought up in a very strict household with my dad, my parents devorced when I was 3 months old. And I have a half sister from my moms side. I haven't spoken to them in almost 2 years now. I do miss them, but feel to ashamed to phone.
I am a positive, happy-go-lucky type of guy, and I'm trying hard to get back on track, but before I know it ,I'm medicating again like tonight...with deep feelings of regret and unhappiness.
I will never end myself, I just cannot do that to my family, they don't deserve it.
I've already seen a couple of your posts and appreciated your positivity. I'm glad you found your way here!
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