I want to add that I also became pretty manic & delusional during those two years.
I believed I was willing great things into my life with rituals & law of attraction. I gained a shit ton of friends. I ended up finding a heroin dealer. People were always telling me how I was very "charismatic" and "charming" & would literally give me free drugs just to hang out with me or be a part of my life.
Actually, now when I read your story again I was awe struck with similarities of your experiences with mine. I too over the years of DXM use went on to egomanic state where I ex. put my house wall full of stickers where I had written what I wanted to manifest in my life. So I was also spiritually very inclined concomitantly with DXM use and had this feeling of high consciousness which I mean to imply high spiritual awareness.
Ironically after I quit & got on subs, eventually I lost ALL of those things. My mom got sick & passed away, so I had to move & leave all my friends behind. My heroin dealer went to prison for murder, so I lost that connect.
And I did end up back with my ex., except it hasn't been the wonderful loving time I had imagined it would be. In fact it's sucked. lol
Sad to hear that bro. I am sorry. But I can relate to that too as I did also kind of lost my life after I got that messianic syndrome where I thought for a short time that ego was God. Partly it was because of this years of self psyching to that direction with DXM - direction to find God whether it is fake or real didn't matter on some unconscious level to manic ego but main thing to it was that something is found and the ego's narsissistic core is satisfied by being labeling himself as "prophet" or "God" as there is actually in the core of the ego structure this universal belief that it believes to be God and the source of life or at least a self appointed saviour of the world
That same illusion came on to me with LSD.
Did DXM influence my fate or was it all just delusion? I dunno.
I also had shared hallucinations (with sober people) while on it & paranormal experiences (with witnesses) on it.
So I'm very intrigued with DXM & think there's more to it that maybe science or we humans can't fully comprehend or understand yet. Something almost "supernatural".
Even if it was all coincidence and delusion (DXM affects the temporal lobe, which can induce mystical and religious feelings), it still impacted my life, my beliefs & everything in both positive & negative ways.
There is more, yes. I also used to think previously mostly drugs, experiences and consciousness from neurochemical perspective and thought human to be only as biological robot (which I still think it is also but not only that) when I was agnostic still at year 2012.
But I gradually developed this more spiritual view of world and one thing I've learnt through this years is what Budha, Krishna, Zoroaster, Jesus christ and all enlightened beings taught through the centuries about consciousness is true. Consciousness is not the product of brain activity but brains/ego works like electric induction system where consciousness (or soul) is the same as quantum field of potentiality or what quantum physicist David Bohm called 'implicit order' which precedes 'explicit order' which is atomic level.
Dr. David Hawkins has wrote over 10 books regarding consciousness research and he studied it about 30 years after his enlightenement. He was also psychiatrist. He was before his enlightenment also barbiturate and alcohol addict back in the 60's.
Basically if I summarize his findings they are same truths that those mystics spoke about but translated to left brain linear format. Also modern day scientist like Carl Jung and physicist (like David Bohm) or other geniuses like Chris Langan - who supposedly is the smartest man in America with IQ over 200 - have theorized basically about these same things.
So quantum level of potentiality is the 'whole' where everything is connected and is like voltage source and atomic level is level of actualization like amperages in electric circuit. So potentiality creates current within circuit and intention is what collapses this wave function at quantum level and creates particles and atomic level (Slowed or stopped wave). So you could say quantum level of potentiality is the "Father", atomic level or ego is "Son" and the mediator (intention) between those levels is "Holy spirit". So there we have trinity of God explained scientifically for the left brainers. Right brainers understand this without logic just by intuition with faith because right brain is connection to soul/God and truth but left brain is ego dominance with focus on linear world and logic (I've noticed this experientially to be true and also Dr. Hawkins noted that in his studies and own experiences).
Now why is this important? Because it means that ultimately it is not the drug which causes any of these high states because they do not have the necessary power as it is allways power (voltage - quantum level - love) which can only cause high state as it is allways energy which causes high state. Only life can feel good. Like when benzos relax muscles, it feels good because the muscles get then energy as they relax. When ego relaxes or even goes off, the same thing. So instead, drugs block something off (ego's resisting energies) or strenghten certain positive circuits which ex. doesn't resist potentiality but enforce it. So then the love at quantum level has less resistance on physical level and thus higher energy permeates physical domain and that energy - love - is what causes the subjective "high" as higher current is inducted and thus higher power or "high" is experienced because of the drug's net lowering effect on ego's/mind's resistance circuits.
This same love is only thing which opposes physical law of entropia and causes anabolic growth and order instead of catabolia, madness and death. Only love - or quantum field of potentiality/implicit order/spirit - can undo entropia. Like Jesus said: "I’m telling you the truth,’ he said. ‘Unless you turn inside out and become like
children, you will never, ever, get into the kingdom of heaven."
Child's brain/ego has not yet evolved so there are no much resistances towards energy field of love and children are easily "high" without need to modify ego's settings. Children allso easily overcome entropia and instead of increased chaos and dysharmony they go to opposite direction of growth, beauty and order...as long as ego doesn't create too much resistance. It has even been noted that recreational drugs do not in most cases cause high to prebupertal children but they start to work only after sex steroids have strenghtened the ego/mind strong enough to resist love. And stronger the ego, the bigger the lies or illusions and thus resistances and stronger the agony. It is eventually those ego's resistances towards love which creates all the hells.
That is also the reason why drug addiction cannot be cured by physical means, ever. They just don't offer the necessary power as the energy of the solution has to be at least as high as the energy of the addiction. And i ex. In alcohol addiction you take few tequilas and suddenly you can love again everybody and hug your friends. So it is this love/energy one gets addicted (ultimately addiction is to God) so that is why only unconditional love (surrendering to "higher power", Jesus, Budha or finding a woman) is the only thing that can truly cure addiction at its roots as addiction is actually to energy and God not to the substance. Substances just block different mechanisms from ego temporarily or srengthen those circuits that enable more actualization of potentiality, so net total is lesser resistance so more efficient induction of energy from level of potentiality to crucial parts of brains etc. so more energy is allowed to be experienced where it was previously lacking and that creates the "high" not the substance per se.
One thing also which makes ex. DMT interesting molecul is its supposed ability to block ego off completely (I am referring to study where it was said brain waves were more towards delta/theta than alpha like with LSD). So if we see ego/mind as like a video editor of reality, which it actually is; records reality, then plays that edited version of reality with at aprox. 1/10 000 sec delay to consciousness/soul. So no one in the planet sees actual reality but their mind's edited version of it with 1/ 10 000sec delay and unique settings, according to Dr. Hawkins studies. Usually when we use drugs we change only the settings of our video editor for better but some drugs actually might block ego/mind totally off so that reality is actually revealed without any editing and delay. That is also called enlightenment and it said to be pure exctacy and bliss which there is nothing you can compare. I think MDMA, DMT might reveal highest consciousness possible for drugs to reveal. And yes, reveal, not cause. Gabaergics for me they seemed to make my prefrontal cortex working better and my memory was actually enchanced with baclofen/phenibut but not really high states like MDMA or some of those but I liked that maximal use of frontal lobes state very much. I mean super focus, concentration, ability to read on and and on..and so on.
Why I took DMT as ex. Of drug which might just do that total blocking of the whole editing system is because many have told they have seen reality or God with DMT and also the fact that if it causes delta/theta brain state then that is same as in deep sleep - but - also the same state enlightened beings or gurus has been noted to have. Their mind is off or in the same state as it is in deep sleep but the difference is consciousness/soul of etheric body of quantum level and the third eye has woke up and they see the reality without editing. They are connected to love and live in a state of constant exstacy/bliss.. that which we are trying to achieve with drugs. Well, drugs are easy and cheap way to get to God. Also Rene Descartes wondered too if the connection between spirit and mind is done truough pineal gland which secretes DMT. So that is also quite interesting to think he thought it hundreds of years of go allready. I would say though, not connection but revealing of soul. They are inseparable except when you die.
