Man these fucking months are a bitch... I get so down and out around this time
Shits been hard recently... still 10 months clean on the 11th but fuck man, it seems all my negative attitude about life has just come back and im full of hate and anger. Ive been going through some shit and not been participating in my recovery as much as i should, which is why i prolly act like this. But frankly im fucking tired of everything. Been questioning a lot of shit recently. About life, friends, what im doing, if its even worth it. Not that im gunna relapse on drugs cause thats never a thought. Just been dealing with a bunch of stress and its starting to get unbearable. These last couple days have been better though since ive been praying and trying to get my head in some literature. But fuck man.. need a god damn break
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Hey
Anomaly88, I remember your posts and am glad to hear you are still hanging in there
, despite the inevitable difficulties
.
Been clean off of suboxnoe and everything since August 22nd..Heroin since last December.. Parole will lock me back up if I keep using so I intend to stay clean, since I don't feel like going back to prison when I've only been home since December 1st.
Like CH, it's always great to hear someone successfully jumped off sub maintenance. I hope it was relatively painless - your story could serve as substantial inspiration around here, as so many are on sub maintenance.
As for me, I'm doing well in staying off dope this month. I finally wholly purged my phone of my connections, which was unprecedentedly challenging a task. At least once I've tried to get my hands on a paper history from my phone service to track down a number. Thankfully, the time it took to do that was enough for me to reconsider. Plus I deleted the number of anyone associated w/ my connects, even some life long friends who I just can't see until I've distanced myself from my last use more. I'm somewhat proud of myself here.
However, I've been using morphine as maintenance in these early times evading dope, and I of course know it is as unsustainable idea as there ever was. For the last three days I've taken 200mgs ms contin and I'm hoping to stop w/ little to no repressions tomorrow, as I want to, but moreover, I have a drug screen on Monday for a job I need desperately. My goal is to persist through the next 4 weekends w/o any drug/alcohol use. After that I hope to maintain a twice a month non heroin opiate use, and 4-6 drinks a month, excepting stringent special occasions where I will allow for some cutting lose. Although, I may place a ceiling on special occasions if too many of them occur
.
There are many stressors/"triggers" this time of year. My birthday is one: I always spend it alone as it is Christmas Eve and many of my friends are w/ family, and my family goes to church and typically is flustered w/ preparation for the following day. Christmas and my birthday host strong associations w/ opiate use, per tradition. Lastly, in my region of the world we only see about 10 inches of rain a year; a bulk of it comes during this month it seems, and I cherish using opiates during these scant rainy days. Today being no exception. So I'll see what all of this spells for me, but my hope is to stay completely sober through the rest of December through early January, including dread New Years
.
