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Insecurities in boyfriend?

munki

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2000
Messages
625
Location
wa
So, lately, my beau has seeming to have some insecurities going on in regards to me, nothing major, but enough to cause some slight strife.

He tells me all the time that I am "the best" in bed, kissing etc. that he has ever experienced. I feel the same, and definitely give a lot in the sex/love arena. Being really sexual and intimate with another person is a very vulnerable state, and I hope he appreciates it, but it seems like he just wants more from me...not necessarily sexual, but some desire to mesh completely with ideas/wants/interests. I feel like it is perfectly reasonable and healthy to be in a strong intimate relationship with another human and still have autonomy, and some divergent interests.

We are both old ravers and I HAVE to go dancing at least a few times a month, or I will go insane, do violence, etc. He accepts that, and goes out with me, but it seems like he is insecure with dance interactions or flirtations I have with other people. Dunno if this makes much sense, but he doesn't speak the same dance language as I; as in really feeling, listening to the music, getting deep into the groove. He seems to just go through the motions and he does dance, but not at the level that I like to connect with the music and others on the dance floor. For me, whenever I have my random interactions with others out and about, it really becomes a conversation and interpretation of the music, emotions, and energy. I mentioned before that we don't speak the same dance language to him and he interpreted that comment to mean that he is a "bad dancer". I never said that...but then...maybe because I have never said he is a "good" dancer he is deeply insecure about it. Also, out and about I need a lot of space (like at least a 15 foot radius). I am a dance floor hog, and feel entitled to it...maybe its being an asshole, but some people can appreciate that. Not sure if he does though...especially since he crowds me on occasion (literally stepping on me, etc.)

Also, it seems like whenever we do molly we become off-synch from each other. Normally we are on the same wavelength, but there is something about doing it that seems to exacerbate his insecurities, where he acts more and more codependent (like if I make a remark how I am not feeling the dj, he will quickly, almost interrupting me, say that we can leave the club now). I feel like I am pretty clear about what I want to do at any given point, so codependencies only irritate me. Also, I can't sleep after coming down off of molly, so therefore will nurse beers the day after in an attempt to relax me. He gets upset about my beer drinking, yet is the one who pushes the molly on me in the first place! He even told me last night that if I stopped drinking beer for a week he would stop doing molly for a month (not really a fair trade-off IMO, especially with molly I can take it or leave it, whereas beer....) I have told him that we all process chemicals differently, and even if HE is able to sleep on molly, I won't and can't. I know I am an alcoholic, but he has his problems too!~

Just am wondering how to get past his insecurities. I don't expect us to mesh in everything, nor want that. I wish he would just accept what I do give to him as being enough. Not sure how to express that to him.
 
So you have a boyfriend that compliments you all the time, is the best lover you've ever had, is willing to go out dancing with you even though it's not really his thing, is willing to do things like leave a club immediately if you're not having a good time, offers to quit some of his bad habits if you quit yours, and what else?

I think sometimes people need to take a step back in relationships and give some thought to their perspectives on them. The "problem" you describe in your post sounds like a classic example of one partner being into the other more than vice versa. That almost always makes people feel insecure and vulnerable. It certainly sounds like he needs some reassurance that he's as important to you as you are to him, and if you're not willing to put in a little extra effort to do that or he's not worth the effort then why would you be with him in the first place?
 
I do give him reassurance a lot. I express my love for him in the ways that I am capable; making breakfast or dinner, doing his laundry, giving him TONS of sex, cuddling, etc. We have discussed how we both expect this relationship to be long term. Things generally are going great except for these times where he has these insecurities. He also really wants me to be involved in his online business, and I have said that I could do some clerical work for him now, perhaps be more involved in the future. Unfortunately, he tried to train me on one of the tasks for it this past sunday after I had been up for 18 hours, so was incapable of retaining any of that information. Also, it seems like he is constantly disappointed in me that I don't want to be more involved, but I have a kid and also am in school, in addition to trying to pay all the bills in a household of six people. I just don't have the time nor energy to do more than some clerical stuff for him.

It just seems like he wants me to be as obsessed with his business as he is, but I just can't do it. I support him in his efforts of course, but his expectation that I have to mesh completely just seems a bit unreasonable. We can have different interests and goals and still be a healthy couple IMO. I mean, he even denigrated the fact that I post on message boards like this, instead of writing blogs for him. But message boards are different from blogs because you can get an actual discussion going.
 
Happy feet should be your Nick name

That WAS my b/f Nick name when We first hooked up but my happy feet doesn't dance much anymore, he's actually grown out of the dance club scene.

Sounds like your boyfriend wants to grow and start a new life with you, involving you in things that are important to him and over all are actually more important then you dancing at the club. There's nothing wrong with what you love to do! but you gotta give your man a little security and I don't mean sex or cuddling but let him know that you got him and that your there with your action

You might not see this but he really fucking likes you. And he might be a little shaken up by this he most probably does it unconsciously
But think about this
A lot of what you have mentioned have been about what you want to do
He's sound like an amazing boyfriend
May I ask how old are you
 
He is an amazing boyfriend and I do love him dearly.

I'm 37, he's 46. Yeah, some might think its a little old to still want to go dancing as much as I do, but its so vital for my sanity, and creative expression.

He plays poker a few nights a week, but I don't give him a hard time about it (seems to be usually profitable for him anyhow). I accept our differences and hope he accepts them too.
 
I really don't see what muki is doing wrong, I think it's very healthy to want to have separate interests and it is a bit creepy when a partner suddenly takes interest in things just because they're with you like they're trying to change their personality to become someone you approve of, that's not a good thing.

My bf is a martial arts teacher and I'm the least sporty person you'll ever see; I didn't suddenly start training to mesh with him. I like clubbing and class A drugs and art; he didn't start doing those things - if he wasn't into them before - just to please me. I find him more attractive for being his own person and so does he.

Muki, you're being the mature one here - so without being harsh or hurtful, tell him you'll find him more attractive if there are areas of your life he isn't a part of. Tell him you'd rather go dancing with girlfriends and he's just going to have to deal with jealousies. Reassure him. Tell him he can take as much molly as he likes and has no right to control your drinking, but that if it freaks him out you drinking on a come down maybe you're not compatible to doing molly together. There are a million other things you can do together so shouldn't be an issue, but you'll become resentful if he suffocates you...
 
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