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Initiating Advice

Allure

Allure

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2019
Messages
138
Location
Pacific NW
Here's the deal. I've been with my man for 4 years. We have had the most amazing love sessions EVER.

Lately I feel like a shy virgin. I know what I want but feel clueless on how to ask for it and make it happen. Like wtf is wrong with me?

I recently ordered a racy get up with stockings to go with it, a few toys and a Blue Fusion male enhancement pill (he doesn't need it, it's something he used while too high on stims. I'm curious of what it'd feel like sober.

I'm open to ideas on how I should I present myself and get things going for an unforgettable experience.
 
He likes to be spontaneous and not have a "plan" or "schedule" for play time. He has expressed not too long ago that he wants me to initiate more.

I am having trouble with finding it within myself to get what I want. I never thought I'd ever be like this but it's like I've lost touch with the "inner sex goddess" in me.

Sometimes subtle hints aren't enough to get things going enough. I feel like a fumble around or take too long doing this or that or feel like what I'm doing doesn't feel good. I end up doubting myself as a good lover.
 
Hi Allure,

If I am reading your narrative correctly, it seems like you have a few things going on here - how to get comfortable with initiating, whether your guy is satisfied with what you are doing in bed and how to get your "inner sex goddess" out to enhance your sexual pleasure and perhaps his.

As far as initiating, If this is something that you have not been comfortable doing, I would take it one step at a time and not get out the outfit, stockings, toys, pills, etc. all at the same time until you are comfortable doing one thing, then move on to two, then three, etc. I think you might be overwhelming yourself by trying to do too much early on in the process. I think if you take things slowly, the "inner sex goddess" will come out, but you need to be comfortable with: 1) initiating, 2) what YOU are doing, 3) you get positive feedback that he likes what you are doing to and with him and 4) that you are really turned on. I am sure you will be just fine and will overcome these obstacles but be comfortable with each thing you do before going on to the next; otherwise, you will be putting the cart before the horse and it will be much more difficult for you to achieve what you are looking to have happen.

Now, whether your guy is satisfied with what you are doing in bed, I would ask him either in the moment if such and such feels good and/or if he would like you to do whatever you are doing differently to make him feel even better. Or, you could also ask him outside the bedroom. But, it seems like there may be communication issues about this between the two of you. I also think you need to try and read his physical responses to what you are doing. Usually one can tell whether their partner is enjoying what you are doing to them.

Good luck with this......
 
SamanthaB said:
Hi Allure,

If I am reading your narrative correctly, it seems like you have a few things going on here - how to get comfortable with initiating, whether your guy is satisfied with what you are doing in bed and how to get your "inner sex goddess" out to enhance your sexual pleasure and perhaps his.

As far as initiating, If this is something that you have not been comfortable doing, I would take it one step at a time and not get out the outfit, stockings, toys, pills, etc. all at the same time until you are comfortable doing one thing, then move on to two, then three, etc. I think you might be overwhelming yourself by trying to do too much early on in the process. I think if you take things slowly, the "inner sex goddess" will come out, but you need to be comfortable with: 1) initiating, 2) what YOU are doing, 3) you get positive feedback that he likes what you are doing to and with him and 4) that you are really turned on. I am sure you will be just fine and will overcome these obstacles but be comfortable with each thing you do before going on to the next; otherwise, you will be putting the cart before the horse and it will be much more difficult for you to achieve what you are looking to have happen.

Now, whether your guy is satisfied with what you are doing in bed, I would ask him either in the moment if such and such feels good and/or if he would like you to do whatever you are doing differently to make him feel even better. Or, you could also ask him outside the bedroom. But, it seems like there may be communication issues about this between the two of you. I also think you need to try and read his physical responses to what you are doing. Usually one can tell whether their partner is enjoying what you are doing to them.

Good luck with this......
Click to expand...


Let me clarify.

I am in a funk.

I'm comfortable with the lingerie, toys, and enhancement supplements.

I realize how silly this sounds, but I feel timid and shy though it's been 4 years.

When we first got together we were both in active addiction. We had the most amazing sex ever. We were worried that once the drugs stopped so would the hot sex. But that wasn't the case. We can kiss each other and get hot kissing each other. The magic is there-which blows my mind as I've never shown even the vaguest interest in ANYONE after being with them for so long. I'm not complaining

I know I make him feel good, he tells me so. He will call or text from work sometimes and will be thinking of last night's sex and how good it felt. I KNOW this. I just get stuck in my head sometimes and feel differently I guess.

It's me against me. I've always been more of a submissive type. Unless I am truly uninhibited, I find it awkward? No, intimidating might be the better word.. I find it intimidating to initiate sex in a sexy way. He feels wanted when I initiate, and of course I don't want him to feel anything less of wanted-of course I want him!

The experience I'm working to create is one with lowered inhibitions that mimics when we first got together, but without the use of drugs or alcohol.

I feel the need to keep it hot in the bedroom. I just don't know how to break away from the shyness. We are pretty open about letting the other know our needs. We can discuss sex comfortably- it's not something we keep to ourselves.

I've got some major thinking traps going on and while I can explore those and change those thoughts, I still find myself incredibly shy when it comes to initiating. It's unfair! After things get going I'm anything but shy.

Thoughts??
 
what you got with this inhibition is a form of anxiety/self judgement

why do you think you liked drugs/alcohol? because they bring out a different side of your character and became a crutch

i suggest do lots of excercise- lowers anxiety quite well and might help with the ability to not care.

i get pent up without swimming and after swimming nothing intimdates me socially

part of the issue is that for you being submissive you need him to initiate but he wants you to do it

well you have to compromise and sometimes that involves forcing yourself to go against your natural instinct to meet your partner in the middle.

he sounds mildly into being dominant but not totally so you will have to meet somewhere in this centre ground rather than being submissive all the time
 
pofacedhoe said:
what you got with this inhibition is a form of anxiety/self judgement

why do you think you liked drugs/alcohol? because they bring out a different side of your character and became a crutch

i suggest do lots of excercise- lowers anxiety quite well and might help with the ability to not care.

i get pent up without swimming and after swimming nothing intimdates me socially

part of the issue is that for you being submissive you need him to initiate but he wants you to do it

well you have to compromise and sometimes that involves forcing yourself to go against your natural instinct to meet your partner in the middle.

he sounds mildly into being dominant but not totally so you will have to meet somewhere in this centre ground rather than being submissive all the time
Click to expand...


Well said, and spot on.

I used to be pretty adamant about jogging a couple miles every other day. Really got the endorphins going. I've been slacking the last month and a half, perhaps I'll give it a go and get back into it.

Thank you for the advice.
 
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