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Inhale & Observe

TheTwighlight

TheTwighlight

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2006
Messages
2,019
Location
Beyond the beyond.
Inhale & Observe

My vision glitches as I enter. Glistens like a summer's winter; somewhere between hot and cold, someplace near to young and old. I can never put my finger on this simple, little perfect feeling. It feels a lot like medicine; it feels like a prescription; healing. "But I'm not dumb, and I know better", I told her in a written letter. Truly, I know nothing more. At best, I'm just a filthy whore. Because I do the things I do I think the devil's had his due. And just because I'm next to you will never mean I had a clue.

If I'm not steadily sinking, please pull me under. Take my hand and pull me down, 'cause I've been dead for years. A bullet staring me right back from its business end. Are you the one who pulled the trigger?

7 minutes dead. Cut off my oxygen supply.



Copyright 2006 The Horsehead Nebula
 
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Love this opening line, the use of "glitches" as a verb:

My vision glitches as I enter.
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And the ending, though morbid, is intense and solid:

If I'm not steadily sinking, please pull me under. Take my hand and pull me down, 'cause I've been dead for years. A bullet staring me right back from its business end.

7 minutes dead. Cut off my oxygen supply.
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I read it a few days ago, but it didn't seem to need much critiquing, and I wasn't quite sure how to express what I liked about it.
I guess it's the rhythm, or cadence of the expressions. I like some of the imagery, but I think the 'almost tripping over itself, in a great rush to express' style of the piece is what I liked best.
It sounds like something that would fall out of your mouth at three AM in a haze of waking dreams and tiredness, when life becomes the adventure it's meant to be. Very good.
 
I wish more people would give it their time...
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I think you'll find more people will give their time to your writing if you give time to theirs! That's the way it works around here. :)
 
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