To Mel22, I will first answer your question, and the answer is yes I am chronically dosing amphetamines, but at doses of 15 - 20 mg Adderall XR in a 24-hour period. Now, to go on to your response and the other responses. I will admit the feelings I have about him do seem to be a bit neurotic, and yes some of my fantasies and wishes are rather aberrant. I do not want to come off sounding like arrogant, though it is a bit unavoidable, when I say I know a good deal more than the average person in the areas of psychology and psychiatry - quite a good deal more, indeed. I have known more about certain topics in psychiatry than psychiatrists whom I have seen. Does that sound grandiose in itself? It might. I do consider myself very smart, on the whole, and I do know a lot in certain areas and fields of study as I learn fairly well and rapidly on what interests me. I am going on, rambling, I know. But, there is a point to this rambling. I KNOW certain things about my situation, but I FEEL differently in some regards. I often romanticize, on the whole, in my life. It is my nature, I suppose. Sometimes, I feel that true love should be pursued on almost any account, but sometimes I don't really believe in a "true love" which can only be had with this guy - I do think there are others out there whom I could love, and who could satisfy my needs. But, there is something about this guy - an intrigue of the oddest form. That I feel, though I do know it seems or perhaps even is obsessive.
If I read my story as it is but from another, and I had no feelings for this guy, I would suspect a high level of neuroses, histrionic personality disorder traits, addictive personality qualities, magical thinking (possibly), and a tendency to live in fantasy and daydreams, as well as possible ego-inflation and grandiose obsessions. But, I am not reading it from another - it is my story. I will say I do recognize some of what is labeled "unhealthy" by the majority of the population, and certainly by the field of medicine, especially in psychiatry. I do see that in myself - yes. Whether or not they are unhealthy, though, truly unhealthy, I doubt. They do not inhibit proper functioning, and I stated before in my posts I would be open to a relationship with someone else if someone else came along who struck my fancy. My social life, near non-existent, is now in hopes of being nurtured a huge deal due to my current circumstances - I am very close to actually having a social life (closer than I ever have been). So, there will be people to meet, and there will be chances for me to exercise a non-platonic relationship with another. I, even, long to do that. In fact, there is another guy who is currently striking my fancy, and who is in great proximity to where I live, unlike the one over whom I obsess. But, this new other guy - actually provoking feelings of lust (not common for me with others, usually), I have had only very limited contact with - we barely know each other. Which leads me into another area in the next paragraph.
I, while able to do well socially in most facets, do not really know how about getting a guy's interest - pursuing a guy, even knowing if a guy has feelings for me or is gay at all. I just don't know how I could avoid awkwardness, though my social anxiety has improved HEAPS in the past few years, yet still be the one pursuing actively or at least making an attempt. This guy, for example, this new one, almost seemed flirtatious in a way, but I could be VERY off. I just do not know. We are not even friends, so much as acquaintences now. How am I to do this? And, would this not be a good thing - to distract myself from the guy so far away? I AM willing to, and actually wanting to, get into a relationship with a guy - now more so than ever. It does not have to be my obsession, no - I cannot even deal with that now, really, because it would not be feasible for me to move at this point. So, I guess I am pandering for tips and advice on "getting out there" as you guys suggested - a good suggestion. I am not well versed in the art of all of it. I know so much - feel so much, but subjectively am often left to be in confusion, yet I can analyze other situations objectively very well, at times.
I am going to back to where I began, for I feel the amphetamines are really influencing my life (for a ton of good, and for a bit of bad). Like now, I am not freshly amped up, but still know the amps are working, or else I would not be writing this lengthy response, and in such a fucked up order with rambling all over. I have taken to writing fiction very well - better than I ever thought I could, and that makes me happy with respect to the writing, but there is jumbling when it comes to writing essays and the like. I want to say so much, and it just sort of spews all over, I suppose, yet I do want order. See, this is off-topic, to a good extent, and I am rambling on about it. But, the amphetamines have strengthened my ability to feel and think - my perception, and have allowed me to be confident, actually do shit, overcome chronic fatigue, boosted my mood (not as up as initially, but still giving it a good boost), allowed me to stop eating as much and lose weight (a huge plus for me, even though I was not really overweight, though close to borderline, and I like myself better thinner), given me willpower (have stuck to a vegan diet for months now, despite cravings every now and again), and allowed me to know amphetamines personally. They can be wonderful creatures when used properly, or hideous monsters when used improperly, or, of course somewhere in between. They may exaggerate my feelings - of obsession about the guy and such, for that does make good sense. Cannot deny that. And, they may inflate my ego, but I think that is a good thing, to an extent of course. Anyhow, I just wanted to share this with you, and because Mel22 asked. I am also taking tramadol and benzos daily - addicted probably, definitely dependent. But, I still function very well. I am progressing. I don't know..., but what I really would appreciate is, and YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SO SUPPORTIVE & CARING already, some tips on getting guys as someone who is a homosexual male, or rather forming relationships - getting guys sounds a bit unsavory for my taste.
I know I am all over the place, but I do thank you truly for your reading and responding,
Alex.
. I'm not trying troll you Lysis, I'm just curious about your narrow minded preconception (I'm not trying to judge you, it's just that I don't undestand). I'm just not used to that way of thinking.
yikes...dude, that means NOTHING - he liked the painting, pure & simple - obviously thought you'd painted it.
