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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Im suicidal...

^
;-)


sounds plenty fair enough!
that is a lot to tell someone, but it does sounds like she knows that it is also a lot to keep in and to yourself.

which a you arent doing exactly, you are doing what you can for yourself - doing this and following through you will keep your friends close, and be able to try again the next day of course.. often, after i go through a bad few days, weeks, or months!:-x i let them make the good days seem better, and the not as bad days, not near as bad...

^
oi hard read there, bad morning...hah
 
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I'd recommend you stop the recreational chemicals for a while (particularly stay away from psychedelics and stimulants which both can cause a lot of unusual psychiatric problems) and give your anti-depressant time to work. It can up to a month for them to have full effect.
 
^ yeah. And sometimes, if you've been on an anti-depressant for a while but have been drinking/taking drugs, the anti-depressant can actually begin to work a whole lot better when you stop the alcohol and drugs.
 
One of the "friends" who abandoned me spoke to me last night, she acted as if nothing had happened. Its totally put me in a crappy mood for my birthday now.
 
I've read some terrible side effects of MXE , such as not being able to piss for 2 days , also feeling out of the world and depressed. It wasn't a good idea for you to mix Cipralex with MXE and also in the beginning . I've recently started Cipralex and I decided to not even to drink a beer for the time being.

Also regarding your friend that spoke with you and acted like nothing has happened, maybe she did that thinking she doesn't want to make you feel uncomfortable because of what you earlier said and took it you are going thru some pretty bad times.

A friend of mine told me he even wrote a note and tried hanging him-self with his belt, but he stopped and started laughing of himself , seriously I didn't know how to react but in my mind he always remains my friend and I haven't changed my image of him. He too started taking anti-depressants and he is a changed person now, it took him some time, but now he's more active than ever he even got a job and he had agoraphobia.
 
Things are looking up. Ive been applying for jobs, doing more social stuff.
The other day I went to a martial arts thing. After like 15 minutes I had a bit of a panic attack and had to leave, but the point is I manned up enough to go!
Been feeling happier, more positive. I feel like Im more outgoing around people. When going out clubbing, Ive just been talking to random women, kissing girls. Ok, so I was under the influence of alcohol, but I never used to be able to do that kind of stuff when drunk.
 
Dude! Nice!!!!!!!
I like the fact that you faced your fear and went to that class! i REALLY admire that!

Much respect! <3
 
Figured I would give a quick update.
I had a major falling out with one of the previously mentioned "friends". I won't go into detail, but to sum it up she made me feel betrayed and abandoned. I went to see my counsellor the other day and we discussed her and she told me to trust my instincts and it sounds like its a problem with her than a problem with me.
Lately Ive been angry rather than sad, which is kind of good, because I can tolerate angry a lot easier. Maybe its the meds, maybe its my imagination but I think Im starting to talk to strangers better, like Ill get less anxious around them, joke around more.
Im just a bit sick of being on the anti-depressants, I just wanna get off them but that won't be for ages yet.
 
good to hear, it does sound like they are beginning to work...!
;-)

dont start thinking about time, 'tis a trap! and dont let yourself start worrying about her, or them, or anyone but you actually - 'tis, another trap haha - becoming diverted by other people around us is a quick way to become diverted from ourselves, then, we allow our "better" side, become overtaken by the "worse" side, which then enables us to be angry, and have an excuse to "relieve" that anger...the thing is though, that the hostility or anger quite often is how we feel about ourselves.


i have looots of time to kill, and ignore - so i have forced myself to try doing different things, until i found what i liked, that i can do or attend to daily to help me appreciate patience, and the good of things that come uniquely over and with time only.

as the meds establish the course of action, you will notice changes, but those changes will "settle", and soon enough you wont notice any sort of effect from the meds. plenty of people take them, a high %, there are many other things you can do, which you may or may not, that revolve around relaxation and/or deep thought -- meditation in one form or another sounds in order - and i use the word "meditation" to cover a broad spectrum of things, such as writing. write for 5 minutes solid about what ever you see out-side, on a warm day while sitting in the grass and taking some deep breaths...who knows what you will spill out;-)it is very surprising, and you will come to appreciate the power of 5 minutes most likely.



;)
 
I had a great life ... lots of friends around me, people I could turn to and now I don't have a single person in my life. I had to come to the realization that I had to be happy with myself before I could expect anyone else to be happy with me.

I was suicidal, cutter, depressed, and full of anxiety. I finally had a meltdown and started seeing a therapist. It has made a HUGE improvement in my quality of life. I can't say that I am 100% happy yet, but I am working on it. And, I have learned not to let people control or alter my feelings or moods. The only person you can change is yourself, you can not change other people. And, sometimes certain relationships run their course and you get what you need from them and move on. That is life.

Stick around a while, I think you will be suprised about how things can change if you get the right help.
 
For the last few days Ive been feeling myself getting worse. Maybe because Ive been using MXE again a little bit. Maybe because Im building up tolerance to the anti-depressant. What should I do? Maybe just flush the rest of the MXE and stay clean from here on out? And see how I do?

Edit:
I think its because when Im on MXE I go on the IRC of an online community I am (or used to be) a part of, which has caused me a lot of pain in the past. Im going to stay clear of that place from now on, enjoy tonight on it, watch some tv talk to some friends, then flush anything that is left and steer clear from all drugs (apart from the occasional bit of alcohol) until Im off my anti-depressants.
 
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Lately I don't even feel like me. I used to be such a happy easy to get along with person, but lately Ive become so serious. And its not just in my head, other people have commented that lately Ive become so serious. Even when I try to joke around people take me seriously, friendships with people seem lost, I just can't seem to recapture what I had with people before this started. I feel so distant from people.
 
UTTER BITCH
As I said, a while back I had a proper falling out with this ex-friend. She accused me of bullying her and stuff. But she still hangs around on this forum I frequent. So I try to act as I normally would because I don't want to make things awkward, so I still joke around despite despising her. I make a comment about her getting old after she says she is suffering a hangover as a joke, and she accuses me of constantly having a go at her. The utter inconsiderate twat, I don't even visit that place much just to avoid her, I try to act normal just to make everyones lives easier and she has the audacity to say that.
I hope she gets her just desserts some day, I really do.
 
I don't think hateful feelings are even worth your time. Further, they detract from your own quality of life. I'm not 'new-age' or Buddhist or any shit like that; I just think it's unreasonable to waste time thinking negative thoughts about other people. You don't need to replace them with positive thoughts either. Just accept that people are on the whole selfish and, if this bothers you, focus on being as selfless as you can be.

I can relate to the 'seriousness' thing. I used to be so jolly and manic. Or at least I would alternate between being depressed and being manic. Now I'm just constantly depressed. It's like I don't even have bipolar anymore. I must be a real drag to be around. The only things I want to talk about are the legitimacy of suicide and the selfishness of people. I can't just forget about these things because they seem the most pressing. Ah, me.
 
She keeps messaging me saying I wasn't a real friend to her because of how I acted, how Ill never have it as hard as her etc
I just wish she would leave me alone, I just want her out of my life. But I can't really leave the forum her and I both frequent as I have friends there. Its not right that she is acting like the bitch and I have to be forced out because of it.
 
Well, you can get whoever is a real friend to you to give you their contact info, or their facebook page, and then stay in contact that way. Just ignore this person completely, she sounds like she's just not into talking to you at all, so don't even consider her an "ex-friend" just don't consider her anything but another random person who you never need to go out of your way for, just like the billions of others. The friends who are real friends will stay by you, and you just move on. Here's a cliche comin at ya "if you keep on doing what you've always done, you're going to always get what you've always gotten." Or something like that. It's true. Just make some big ol' changes for your mental health, and fuck mxe for the time being. AKA like the next few months at least...
 
WOOOOOOOOOOO
I got myself a job. A proper job, what I actually wanna do related to my degree and everything.
 
Done my first 2 days. twas a bit stressful at times, but I feel quite accepted. Everyone is really nice and even though normally Im really awkward around new people, I dont mind too much striking up conversations with randomers.
 
I've found that MXE alone in both low and high doses had me preoccupied with suicide: I'm a depressive anyway, but whereas occasional K use had always been therapeutic, Methoxetamine had all of K's darkness - and none of the light, depth, or mysticism. After high-dose use (too embarrassed to admit the dose - very stupid) I sounded like a recent stroke victim and could barely walk until I'd got some sleep, about 24 hours after ingestion. I did take a high dose of Kratom that time, which may have caused a weird interaction, but it made for a nightmarish, very frightening and suicide-obsessed trip.

Glad the OP is doing better - as a general rule, I'd say anti-depressants and dissociatives don't mix. Certainly not MXE, which feels so very dirty, dark and deep. YMMV, but daily RC use on prescription drugs is definitely a shot in the dark.
 
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