I'm struggling

Keif' Richards said:
the only reason I have anything, a phone, a coat or a dollar in my pocket is because I refuse to fuck up.
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appears there has been some progress made in this situation. if i read it rightly congratulations, friend. well done.
you also seem to be a little more confident in what you chose to do. hell just making a choice to me can build confidence. ymmv idk
i only wish you continue to stay strong and also hope to meet you one day in person. I feel that would be rad.
glad to see you creating posts on the process as without them we are left to guessing and we all know how this can go sometimes.
thoughts are with you and see you as a person that has and can hurdle many different obstacles. that is not nothing.
proud to call you friend and look forward to many years to come in regard to building trust and open-ness for us both, most have not enough real interest in others these days and i find this sad but the way of things...?
♥️
 
Thanks to everyone who reads. I cant believe i have a blog. I can believe it's the most depressing blog ever made though.

Im on my way to work. I was able to get my clothes clean but couldnt shower. Ive attempted to cover it up with a little cologne. I should be fine.

Today will be my 3rd day at a new job, managing a new place and not having a safe spot or amenities.

Yes, it's extremely fucked up and extremely sad. However, every day that I get up and go to work makes me feel stronger. I know pain can be a transformative experience.

I have to keep this up for 11 more days, then I get paid, then I start putting shit back together. Thank you to everyone who has cared. The sudden absence of love in your life is jarring. It feels good to lnow ive got some.

You're all part of the reason im still sober.
 
Keif' Richards said:
Im on my way to work.
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Keif' Richards said:
vacation
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hahahahaha roflmao rn 🤣
congrats brother.
already a vacation? sign me up promptly, sir.
man that makes my not so good days a lot brighter. for reals.
damn.
beside myself - is that possible...? 🤔
Keif' Richards said:
Yes, it's extremely fucked up and extremely sad
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nah we been in worst places surly.
things are turning turn with it til ya spin out. lol
too bad theres 11 days involved but what else is there to do. if its your thing focus on that but by all means do not neglect yourself in the process, friend.
i do feel a "break" is coming and by all means stop by. always welcome.
disclosure: its just as perilous on the street level here but if ya can stay off the rando substance(s) itll be just fine.
man this post make me wanna jump up and down.
think i will... , although mentally. 😁
who says there is no good news? cant always be "good" but grateful for the spatterings.
♥️
 
Hahaha @PtahTek im absolutely for real about that. Give me a few months and I'll have a few days to pop down there.

I am not using anything man. Scouts honor. Ive had to try to buy methadone but truly, thats something I already have and shouldn't have to buy. Fucking bums.

If I fuck up, im down forever. I know that and see that. As long as city market doesnt realize im stealing food every day, this is all doable 😀

I signed up to put together furniture. Like flat pack stuff. So instead of work starting in two weeks, I'll be paid in two weeks. That gives me just a little bit of hope.

You can risk telling the clinic about being robbed, but the risk is too great. Without my take homes the whole plan falls apart.
 
Keif' Richards said:
stealing food every day
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Keif' Richards said:
You can risk telling the clinic about being robbed
Click to expand...
ok. will put it in character refs. lol hope its helpful.
but the markets are plentiful. ;)
the last part would be nice if shared. 😏
Keif' Richards said:
pea coat
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i remember. i ise to own one myself for many years and it was taken off a bar-stool when i went to the head. yeah i freaked out, got "exited" and when i came in the next night the bar tender handed me the jacket. no explanation. first 3 rounds on the house (cold absolut vodka - he knew). i loved that coat not sure what became of it.
whatever yer doing keep it up. take care of yourself, K'eif. i am learning - albeit slowly - that it matters a great deal in the grande scheme of things.

tbh i really dont wanna leave this thread as it appears good news and gives me hope and enjoyment. if i leave i feel i am bound to encounter something truly out of my "wavelength" if you will. 😉

hoping your out of the elements and have adequate housing.
♥️
 
I hope great opportunities arrive very soon or at least imo everything should lean in your favor for every situation. It makes me upset that this is happening to you because you seem like a very caring and thoughtful person.
I've had scary questions about tomorrow -not knowing where I'll sleep next or why I am alone. You're a great motherfuckin' bluelighter and it's okay to let emotions run their course to help understand and navigate the next objective, hell you taught me this. but yeah - in fucked up times it gets foggy - one becomes unsure, then it's worry and panic..
I feel it is vital to let emotion run fluidly but also understanding how YOU react on the inside to these feelings or how you react to how others may feel about you, let it run it's course for not only you but the other person too.

If not for you I wouldn't be where I am today:
- the obvious; alive.
- cwe to volumetric for dums
- I wouldn't be mature enough to consider recovery.
- That sence of relief, reassurance, and stability regarding any substance/combo, also for example & kicks: when I'm just tripping hard on robitussin and you reassure my teenage(or younger) self that I'm not OD'ing & just really really itchy haha.(This is a funny reminiscent light example, more often it's questions regarding health or more importantly dose or whatever in the world one may be up to that they suddenly realize could be apparently dangerous.

I'm just saying search engines and AI are not the same & can fuck off when it comes to real experience.

I hope & wish you well and to see you continue kicking life's ass..after this bullshit. I'm sorry it has to be like this








"
 
Chill @Opana313 you´re gonna make ol´ Keif cry like a little bitch. Psyche, I did cry when I read that. Granted, my emotions are all over the place given the circumstances, but you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that. All I´ve ever wanted to do was have a purpose in this world. Unfortunately, I was already using Opioids by 13-14. This was before I had the teacher, Gary Schnakenburg, AP Western Civilization that was able to reach me. I acted pretty aloof, like I didn´t give a fuck when in reality, my inability to focus and perform in High School made me feel worthless. I had been a ¨gifted child¨ until homework and time mangement became a major part of school. He motivated me to be a teacher myself so that maybe I could return the favor by teaching assholes like myself. To know I´ve had an impact like that is just priceless. I need that right now, so thank you so much :)

@PenguinWithNapalm yes we have spoken. Like a lot of things, this is a combination of emotion and more mundane shit like logistics. Vermont is expensive. I cannot easily afford a car and an apartment. I´m thus reliant on public transportation. When I left my place, I no longer had a way of getting to that job. It was actually pretty miraculous that I found a good job, with good pay that is within reach via public transportation. This means logistically, now it would be impossible for me to live there anyway. I had to make the decision. I talk to her a bit every day. I keep it all at arm´s length but I make sure she knows I love her and support her and I do. I was the only income in the relationship aside from her disability, so it´s not as if I could get material help from her even if I were to ask.

Okay guys, let´s continue this fucked up little saga.

I´m waiting here at the bus terminal. It´s really one of the only places homeless people can go to stay out of the cold, but it closes at night. It´s pretty cold here and now snowing quite a bit. There are so many people living/sleeping outside that it´s hard for me to believe. Saw an African lady (heard her speaking swahili) with a baby in her carriage trying to ask if there is a way she could get a free ride. She was told no. I have nothing, but I had a singe fucking dollar. She was trying to get to a hotel and barely spoke English. Just fucking terrible man, a single dollar.

There has been a major cultural backlash against the homeless here. Everyone has closed their bathrooms. There is no low-barrier, come as you are type shelter. You can apply for certain programs, but at the very least it takes days.

Get this: in Vermont, if you get a doctor to sign a form saying you need to be inside due to disability (you don´t need to like, apply for SSI) every person can stay for 40 days in a motel room. This seems great, but the fact that the state sees that I´ve made a certain amount over the poverty level for the past 12 months, I am not eligible. In their eyes, I shouldn´t need any help. It is fucked up. I can´t get food stamps either, lol, as I´ve made too much money.

If you engage with programs here, you can be inside somewhwere if you give it a week or so. The people who stay out are typically those who have been kicked out of programs or can´t adhere to basic rules due to their addictions. For instance, when I worked at the shelter there was a curfew, 10p-5a unless you had proof of employment. It doesn´t work for the person who needs to go buy crack once or twice in the middle of the night. It also doesn´t work for those who have no control, black out, fight etc.

So I ended up linking up with a former client who allowed me to share his spot which was a foyer. He had a space heater and a battery pack for my phone. It was actually not bad. I wasn´t afraid oif getting robbed and I didn´t. I have had to wash my clothes in the sink and try to hang them up, like right now, my shirt is damp lol. Oh god these are the days I won´t forget. I´m headed to my 4th day of work right now. I´m only working so early because I investigated and asked. This means I will have pay next week. From there, I have leads already on rooms in the area that I can afford. I´ll take whatever I have to take and I´ll build from there.

It is expensive trying to live right now. The homelessnes and misery, even in little old Vermont is frankly, quite troubling. I´ve been places, seen extreme poverty and misery. I´ve seen glue-addicted orphans in Iraq with not family, no hope and no way out. What I see hear in Vermont has shifted. It is now undeniable that we are heading for something that I believe will be truly terrible for addicts lacking stability in their lives. Addicts who are essentially on the street, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that just makes me sick with worry. I see them and it´s like I know so many of them, the end to the story has already been written, dead, anonymous, stigmatized.

They have severely cut back services. There is no place to do laundry for free if you work during the day. Ditto for showers. There are meals served by non-profits but they seem to be totally random and unpredictable. So I´m college-educated, making decent money (in theory) and I´m basically living outdoors, unable to even clean my clothes for work. I can only wash my armpits and crotch so many times before the bodty needs attention also. It is like a fucking pressure cooker. The stress and emptiness, not to mention the cold, make Alcohol call your name. In the beginning of this, I ttruly didn´t think I could make it. I thought I was fucked. Yet, I´ve managed to make it to this job, an hour away from Burlington every day, on time and ready.

I´ve said it already, if I were to fuck up, just one time, let´s say I get drunk one day then spend the next too sick to work then get firred. What then? Well, that is the beginning of chronic homelessness that I can see very clearly is harder and harder to get out of.

So Iḿ trying to make it to next week. Begging random people for help and feeling like a piece of shit. I constantly question, is the right thing to accept help? Then I can continue writing, continue my work or is the actual right thing to do endure the situation stoically and die out here like everyone else. It´s going around in my head constantly. The guild, the shame.

Every day feels like a Herculean task. However, I should be grateful. I have a college degree. I have the ability to get work. I stopped using Opioids before Fentanyl. I´m relatively healthy. I have Lupus/RA so that is of course a challenge. Doctors and medicine cost money. All I can say to anyone reading this, have savings, if there is any possible way. Put 20 bucks away every paycheck. I live paycheck to paycheck like everyone else here (right?) and I always told myself I didn´t have a single cent to save, well I should´ve at least put that cent in there, then I would have some thing. I never expected this situaiton. You have to be prepared for anything.

I´m continuing the slog. Every day of work makes me feel a tiny bit better. I know there is money in the bank, a light at the end of the tunnel. My plan right now is to try to get an airbnb near my work so I don´t have to commute, can do laundry and just fucking relax. There is one that I can get for like 35 bucks a night if I get a whole week. I´ve got a coupon Iḿ using so it is within possibility, even if not for the entirety of the week. I´ve hit up every relative, friend and I´m considering asking Ellen Degeneres for a donation. That seems like the type of shit she is into? Help the hapless junkie for the misery porn desired by her audience.

I´m surviving. Despite all odds. I´m not getting fucked up. I´m making it to my job. I just can´t believe how kind you all have been writing to me and giving me hope. Since getting sober, I never really ¨made friends¨ because I felt like it was all just risk. I felt better able to manage myself without others involved. Now, I have only my friends from the program. It´s not as if asking for material help in the rooms is considered appropriate and it is frankly just stressful. You don´t know if people are gonna assume you´re getting high. You don´t want to lose their respect. I´ve asked them for help. I´ve gotten emotional support, and frankly, that´s what they´re supposed to give me.

The saga continues. I have the opportunity to help guide policy at this new rehab facility. It could be the closest thing to getting paid to Bluelight that I´ve ever encountered. The APRN who is my boss is just as opposed to the Ancien Regime of drug rehabilitation. Could it be possible that this coulld all work out and I could do more good than I ever thought possilble, who knws.

You all mean the world to me. You are all friends in my book. You have helped keep my spirits up. You´ve helped me staty strong. You have my gratitude always and forever.
 
This one helped and still helps me..the song is called 2009 by Mac and I enjoy the live tiny desk version because of the strings and he sounds better too imo.

"I don't stay inside the lines
It ain't 2009 no more
Yeah, I know what's behind that door..

Yeah they ask me what I'm smiling for
Well, because I've never been this high before
It's like I never felt alive before
Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind and water
See me and you, we ain't that different
I struck the fuck out and then I came back swinging
Take my time to finish, mind my business
A life ain't a life 'til you live it
I was digging me a hole big enough to bury my soul
Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own
My own, with these songs I can carry you home
I'm right here when you're scared and alone" ~ Mac Miller



Seriously though, their are still good human beings around that care and carry compassion towards complete strangers here on this forum and you have always been an ace in the hole - and when I need to read HR advice whether through search or back when I wasn't on and just 'lurking.

Shout out for being fucking awesome people
@Keif' Richards
@pixies+ - you helped me & you were just the right friend I needed during that time! thank you both!!!!!!!
 
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Keif' Richards said:
Hey everyone. A lot of you probably don't know this about me. I am pretty much a loner. I have been an educator and a social worker my entire life. I still am. However, I've only ever had clients, I have my AA people, they keep me sober, but they do not make me feel loved.

Life has gone from idyllic to hellish in a few weeks' time. My girlfriend, who I love more than anything, had a severe switch in her Bipolar. We had gone from sipping tea and snuggling the day before to the next morning her screaming like a lunatic that I'm an abuser, a serial killer and to get out. It was my home. I had paid rent. But I was afraid she was so lost she might actually call the cops. The type of work I'm involved in, anything can be enough to get you fired.

So I left hoping that she would get better. I had to leave rural Vermont for the city. I wanted to rent a room. When I got here, I found the only thing available were trap houses. We had had plans for some time that I would be helping open a recovery center and we would use my savings to move there. Having to leave with no plan has been catastrophic.

I don't have friends. Not the right kind. Not the kind that other people seem to have. Some of my best connections with other humans has been helping folks here on the forums.

I have lost the love of my life. I do not know if I will get her back. She was the only one who ever understood me. Meanwhile, I have at least 3 weeks until my job starts. Last night was my first time sleeping outside. I am without a phone now so she couldn't call if she wanted to, which also troubles me greatly. I managed the homeless shelter here in Burlington for 2 years. I slept with some of my former clients last night and felt a sadness that I haven't felt since I was thrown in jail and made to withdraw from Heroin. Just feeling alone.

I am worried I won't be able to figure it out. Am I broken? Am I just a piece of shit? I'm not using anything other than my prescribed medications. I have wanted to drink so badly for just a moment of relief. However, a small part of me still believes I can make it. Taking a drink would end everything. I'm sitting at the library right now, using their internet. I wake up every morning surprised to be alone and back in Burlington. The city is so expensive and now, so dangerous at night. I feel like I'm being punished for everything I've ever done wrong in my life.

The temperatures are dropping. I don't know what will happen next. I've been here for such a long time. I've put my heart and soul into these forums and I'm so proud to have been a part of it. I worry that I'm heading for even harder times. I don't want to disappear without a trace or leave anyone hanging. I just feel so alone. I would do anything to feel warmth and love again. I just need to make it out of here, but I feel I'm about to be swallowed up. I feel like I've run out of tricks. Every day, harder to dig yourself out. I love all you guys and hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I do not have many to talk to. A little bit of love could be enough to keep me hanging on right now, because I'm just barely doing it.

Vermont. My rent for a 1br was 1400. Multiply that by 3 to move in. I am panicking. Is this my fault? What exactly did I do wrong? Is there a reason to not get fucked up? So sad. So fucking sad. Not using, but still essentially a fuck up by the standards of my society. Too dumb, lazy or addicted to actually make it.
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I feel your sadness and like most people on the forum it can be an escape and especially a comfort just to be part of it .someone who loves you will come to there senses and a reconciliation will happen ,it would be very strange if it didn't, hopefully you can ride it out but try stay in touch with her on her terms .gutted for you
 
Keif' Richards said:
Chill @Opana313 you´re gonna make ol´ Keif cry like a little bitch. Psyche, I did cry when I read that. Granted, my emotions are all over the place given the circumstances, but you have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that. All I´ve ever wanted to do was have a purpose in this world. Unfortunately, I was already using Opioids by 13-14. This was before I had the teacher, Gary Schnakenburg, AP Western Civilization that was able to reach me. I acted pretty aloof, like I didn´t give a fuck when in reality, my inability to focus and perform in High School made me feel worthless. I had been a ¨gifted child¨ until homework and time mangement became a major part of school. He motivated me to be a teacher myself so that maybe I could return the favor by teaching assholes like myself. To know I´ve had an impact like that is just priceless. I need that right now, so thank you so much :)

@PenguinWithNapalm yes we have spoken. Like a lot of things, this is a combination of emotion and more mundane shit like logistics. Vermont is expensive. I cannot easily afford a car and an apartment. I´m thus reliant on public transportation. When I left my place, I no longer had a way of getting to that job. It was actually pretty miraculous that I found a good job, with good pay that is within reach via public transportation. This means logistically, now it would be impossible for me to live there anyway. I had to make the decision. I talk to her a bit every day. I keep it all at arm´s length but I make sure she knows I love her and support her and I do. I was the only income in the relationship aside from her disability, so it´s not as if I could get material help from her even if I were to ask.

Okay guys, let´s continue this fucked up little saga.

I´m waiting here at the bus terminal. It´s really one of the only places homeless people can go to stay out of the cold, but it closes at night. It´s pretty cold here and now snowing quite a bit. There are so many people living/sleeping outside that it´s hard for me to believe. Saw an African lady (heard her speaking swahili) with a baby in her carriage trying to ask if there is a way she could get a free ride. She was told no. I have nothing, but I had a singe fucking dollar. She was trying to get to a hotel and barely spoke English. Just fucking terrible man, a single dollar.

There has been a major cultural backlash against the homeless here. Everyone has closed their bathrooms. There is no low-barrier, come as you are type shelter. You can apply for certain programs, but at the very least it takes days.

Get this: in Vermont, if you get a doctor to sign a form saying you need to be inside due to disability (you don´t need to like, apply for SSI) every person can stay for 40 days in a motel room. This seems great, but the fact that the state sees that I´ve made a certain amount over the poverty level for the past 12 months, I am not eligible. In their eyes, I shouldn´t need any help. It is fucked up. I can´t get food stamps either, lol, as I´ve made too much money.

If you engage with programs here, you can be inside somewhwere if you give it a week or so. The people who stay out are typically those who have been kicked out of programs or can´t adhere to basic rules due to their addictions. For instance, when I worked at the shelter there was a curfew, 10p-5a unless you had proof of employment. It doesn´t work for the person who needs to go buy crack once or twice in the middle of the night. It also doesn´t work for those who have no control, black out, fight etc.

So I ended up linking up with a former client who allowed me to share his spot which was a foyer. He had a space heater and a battery pack for my phone. It was actually not bad. I wasn´t afraid oif getting robbed and I didn´t. I have had to wash my clothes in the sink and try to hang them up, like right now, my shirt is damp lol. Oh god these are the days I won´t forget. I´m headed to my 4th day of work right now. I´m only working so early because I investigated and asked. This means I will have pay next week. From there, I have leads already on rooms in the area that I can afford. I´ll take whatever I have to take and I´ll build from there.

It is expensive trying to live right now. The homelessnes and misery, even in little old Vermont is frankly, quite troubling. I´ve been places, seen extreme poverty and misery. I´ve seen glue-addicted orphans in Iraq with not family, no hope and no way out. What I see hear in Vermont has shifted. It is now undeniable that we are heading for something that I believe will be truly terrible for addicts lacking stability in their lives. Addicts who are essentially on the street, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that just makes me sick with worry. I see them and it´s like I know so many of them, the end to the story has already been written, dead, anonymous, stigmatized.

They have severely cut back services. There is no place to do laundry for free if you work during the day. Ditto for showers. There are meals served by non-profits but they seem to be totally random and unpredictable. So I´m college-educated, making decent money (in theory) and I´m basically living outdoors, unable to even clean my clothes for work. I can only wash my armpits and crotch so many times before the bodty needs attention also. It is like a fucking pressure cooker. The stress and emptiness, not to mention the cold, make Alcohol call your name. In the beginning of this, I ttruly didn´t think I could make it. I thought I was fucked. Yet, I´ve managed to make it to this job, an hour away from Burlington every day, on time and ready.

I´ve said it already, if I were to fuck up, just one time, let´s say I get drunk one day then spend the next too sick to work then get firred. What then? Well, that is the beginning of chronic homelessness that I can see very clearly is harder and harder to get out of.

So Iḿ trying to make it to next week. Begging random people for help and feeling like a piece of shit. I constantly question, is the right thing to accept help? Then I can continue writing, continue my work or is the actual right thing to do endure the situation stoically and die out here like everyone else. It´s going around in my head constantly. The guild, the shame.

Every day feels like a Herculean task. However, I should be grateful. I have a college degree. I have the ability to get work. I stopped using Opioids before Fentanyl. I´m relatively healthy. I have Lupus/RA so that is of course a challenge. Doctors and medicine cost money. All I can say to anyone reading this, have savings, if there is any possible way. Put 20 bucks away every paycheck. I live paycheck to paycheck like everyone else here (right?) and I always told myself I didn´t have a single cent to save, well I should´ve at least put that cent in there, then I would have some thing. I never expected this situaiton. You have to be prepared for anything.

I´m continuing the slog. Every day of work makes me feel a tiny bit better. I know there is money in the bank, a light at the end of the tunnel. My plan right now is to try to get an airbnb near my work so I don´t have to commute, can do laundry and just fucking relax. There is one that I can get for like 35 bucks a night if I get a whole week. I´ve got a coupon Iḿ using so it is within possibility, even if not for the entirety of the week. I´ve hit up every relative, friend and I´m considering asking Ellen Degeneres for a donation. That seems like the type of shit she is into? Help the hapless junkie for the misery porn desired by her audience.

I´m surviving. Despite all odds. I´m not getting fucked up. I´m making it to my job. I just can´t believe how kind you all have been writing to me and giving me hope. Since getting sober, I never really ¨made friends¨ because I felt like it was all just risk. I felt better able to manage myself without others involved. Now, I have only my friends from the program. It´s not as if asking for material help in the rooms is considered appropriate and it is frankly just stressful. You don´t know if people are gonna assume you´re getting high. You don´t want to lose their respect. I´ve asked them for help. I´ve gotten emotional support, and frankly, that´s what they´re supposed to give me.

The saga continues. I have the opportunity to help guide policy at this new rehab facility. It could be the closest thing to getting paid to Bluelight that I´ve ever encountered. The APRN who is my boss is just as opposed to the Ancien Regime of drug rehabilitation. Could it be possible that this coulld all work out and I could do more good than I ever thought possilble, who knws.

You all mean the world to me. You are all friends in my book. You have helped keep my spirits up. You´ve helped me staty strong. You have my gratitude always and forever.
Click to expand...
That is all very intense and you write very well. I think you can help bluelighters by telling your story here, but maybe you could find another venue to bear witness as well that could help the world.
 
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