I'm struggling

Keif' Richards

Keif' Richards

Moderator: BDD, OD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
8,417
Location
Lowell/Charlestown, Massachusetts
Hey everyone. A lot of you probably don't know this about me. I am pretty much a loner. I have been an educator and a social worker my entire life. I still am. However, I've only ever had clients, I have my AA people, they keep me sober, but they do not make me feel loved.

Life has gone from idyllic to hellish in a few weeks' time. My girlfriend, who I love more than anything, had a severe switch in her Bipolar. We had gone from sipping tea and snuggling the day before to the next morning her screaming like a lunatic that I'm an abuser, a serial killer and to get out. It was my home. I had paid rent. But I was afraid she was so lost she might actually call the cops. The type of work I'm involved in, anything can be enough to get you fired.

So I left hoping that she would get better. I had to leave rural Vermont for the city. I wanted to rent a room. When I got here, I found the only thing available were trap houses. We had had plans for some time that I would be helping open a recovery center and we would use my savings to move there. Having to leave with no plan has been catastrophic.

I don't have friends. Not the right kind. Not the kind that other people seem to have. Some of my best connections with other humans has been helping folks here on the forums.

I have lost the love of my life. I do not know if I will get her back. She was the only one who ever understood me. Meanwhile, I have at least 3 weeks until my job starts. Last night was my first time sleeping outside. I am without a phone now so she couldn't call if she wanted to, which also troubles me greatly. I managed the homeless shelter here in Burlington for 2 years. I slept with some of my former clients last night and felt a sadness that I haven't felt since I was thrown in jail and made to withdraw from Heroin. Just feeling alone.

I am worried I won't be able to figure it out. Am I broken? Am I just a piece of shit? I'm not using anything other than my prescribed medications. I have wanted to drink so badly for just a moment of relief. However, a small part of me still believes I can make it. Taking a drink would end everything. I'm sitting at the library right now, using their internet. I wake up every morning surprised to be alone and back in Burlington. The city is so expensive and now, so dangerous at night. I feel like I'm being punished for everything I've ever done wrong in my life.

The temperatures are dropping. I don't know what will happen next. I've been here for such a long time. I've put my heart and soul into these forums and I'm so proud to have been a part of it. I worry that I'm heading for even harder times. I don't want to disappear without a trace or leave anyone hanging. I just feel so alone. I would do anything to feel warmth and love again. I just need to make it out of here, but I feel I'm about to be swallowed up. I feel like I've run out of tricks. Every day, harder to dig yourself out. I love all you guys and hope you have a good Thanksgiving. I do not have many to talk to. A little bit of love could be enough to keep me hanging on right now, because I'm just barely doing it.

Vermont. My rent for a 1br was 1400. Multiply that by 3 to move in. I am panicking. Is this my fault? What exactly did I do wrong? Is there a reason to not get fucked up? So sad. So fucking sad. Not using, but still essentially a fuck up by the standards of my society. Too dumb, lazy or addicted to actually make it.
 
Hate off to u man!Feel Ur vibrations and sadness..the story u tell is really sad,really hurting...life could be such shit...and shit happens all the time.not Ur fault..u are struggling hard and in the end u will overcome this....life is gettin' harder everywhere so quick,so quick...wish u the best....keep us informed man
 
this reads like the story of my life over and over. on a continuous loop. not employed now and dont have time for it anyway.
of course there are differences here and there but that mess of panic/anxiety is terrifying to me and surely others.
K'ief... you have undoubtedly saved some lives and given til ya have no more. time to take a break, friend. not from here or any other particular place but on yourself. you are world renown for your dedicated service to others. and the saying: no love is greater than giving your life for another is valiant and all but i feel there is a time to be "self-ish" for lack of a better word. when it started saying "no" at times i started feel like i was regaining some control of my life back. hell thats been a couple years ago and the struggle continues.
i do not have much to offer but i do have a warm/dry place to lay if iyou need it. its in PA, rent is paid (and will remain so), its a little dusty but i only go by to check mail occasionally now. no worries about rent but mental health and mentorship programs aboud here so if looking for work fairly positive you could land something. thats about all they have for work around here anymore. lol
if you just need to get away for a bit doors are open.
anyway, makes me grateful for what i "have" but only wish to share with others that are out in the cold so to speak (and literally).
want to say be resilient as things will get better but thats cheesy to me. things change and from my perspective i do not see things getting better but maybe we can hold on to who we are for another day and eventually be seen by the powers that be and get rewarded with a ray or two of light.... can hope, right?
im rambling, again.
sending a pm
♥️
 
I'm sorry to hear this Keif'. That's a terribly fucked up thing. You've always seemed like such a caring, thoughtful, intelligent person here, always with the good advice. I feel strongly that you have a lot going for you. I guess think of this as another unfortunate thing you can overcome. You kicked drugs, this is just another withdrawal to go through, and you can and will. Life sucks sometimes, but not always
 
Hey man. Sorry to hear about your situation. Your posts are a large part of why I have enjoyed lurking this place over the years. If I was closer I would tell you to come over and occupy my spare room for a bit but not in the USA unfortunately. This will get better, probably sooner than you think right now. Stay strong man.
 
Whatever you do don't drink ,though I am not an alcoholic I have loved quite a few and we all know your situation will get worse quickly drinking. I feel like there is more to the story. Is your girlfriend off her meds ? How long have you been together ?You need to call her and see if she is ok. If she is the love of your life you will be able to work this out. I am praying for you and her. Please check back in here too so we know you are ok.
 
Thanks for the kind words everybody. I´m in one of those times of my life where I feel very alone and depleted. On one side, I have to endure this without fucking up, drinking and ruining my life. If I do that, in just a few weeks, I start a new job that is actually the best social work job I´ve ever had. My girlrfriend was going to come with me when this job was to start, the only difference, we´d be staying in her place until leaving and using my savings for a new place. On the other side, I could give up and I can easily see myself ending up on the street for the rest of my sad life.

It´s tough. I have a lot of hoops to jump through. I don´t have a dedicated warm place to stay, but itś not terribl;y cold yet. Trump era cuts to our services are shocking. I used to run the shelter in this very city, so I know. My phone service is of course backed up so my only means of communication with both you guys and my new job is through wifi. I have to meanwhile pretend like I have my shit together as I´m starting a job in a management role.

It´s pretty hardcore. I never thought I would be out here like this. Well, I actually have always been terrified of ending up here, outside, but I always knew it was going to be because I relapsed. I really never would have anticipated ending up on the street in this kind of scenario. I have to find a way of getting my clothes clean, cleaning myself and also finding a way to relax enough to make it through the shitty-enough first week of work as a manager.

Im asking for help from anywhere I can, but all of my friends are either teachers, low-paid social workers or people from AA. I never really needed anyone else and this whole eperience has made me wish I had developed friendships outside of professional ones and Bluelight and etc. I know plenty of other people are out there suffering too, which is why I don/t curse the world.

I can see a way of making this happen. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but Iḿ not well set up to make this alll work. Itś amazing how fast money goes when you don´t have a plan. My girlfriend was the one who had to do all of the budgeting in the relationship. :( Sad.

Thanks for all of the kindness guys. It means a lot, cause Iḿ feeling pretty alone. Youŕe all great friends as far as I´m concerned.
 
Thanks @maryanne77 I´ve spoken to her. As much as my situation sucks right now, Iḿ a;lso doing my best to give her room to breathe. She knows I´m here for her and that I love her and that there is no rush. I do love her enough that I would never hold this against her nor anyone else. We all have problems. I will quip that I wish this had not happened during winter, but what can you do?

My hope is that we will figure things out once my job has started and I am again in a stable living situation. That´s the only way I can see making it work, but I have faith.
 
Keif' Richards said:
Thanks @maryanne77 I´ve spoken to her. As much as my situation sucks right now, Iḿ a;lso doing my best to give her room to breathe. She knows I´m here for her and that I love her and that there is no rush. I do love her enough that I would never hold this against her nor anyone else. We all have problems. I will quip that I wish this had not happened during winter, but what can you do?

My hope is that we will figure things out once my job has started and I am again in a stable living situation. That´s the only way I can see making it work, but I have faith.
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Actually there is a rush . You should not be on the street. If she is willing to let you be there she can't be the love of your life . I'd be loosing my mind right now if my love of my life was on the street. Even if i caused him to leave because of some dumb argument while I am having my own mental problems. Even if he was the cause of some of them . If she is not going to help you now when you need it most then when you do get help and you're back on your feet don't go back. Unless there is something i am missing ,Thats my 2 cents .
 
Hey everyone just an update. My job is starting early. I am hoping I can pull it all off. Burlington is a lot worse than it was years ago.

I ended up staying outside with a group of people who had a heater. Trying to make it all work. I knew a couple of them from my work in the shelters.

They all seemed legit. I thought I was being careful enough. The temperature was just too cold for what I had for gear and it was snowing.

I had my backpack stolen. Methadone (I go every two weeks. They got 8 doses) Laptop. Birth certificate.

I am praying I can get some of the shit back that is important. The laptop is a cheap Chromebook. I lnow I'll never see the Methadone again. Im going to try to keep posting on my phone, but fuck the gauntlet this is. I cant fucking believe it.

Repaying my sins as a junkie I guess. Im being put through karma at rapid speed.

I love all you guys. You've all given me hope. I will update as we go.
 
Fuck i feel you brother, im in southern vermont myself and its rough as fuck to live here a lot of the time, not to mention how fucked the seasons make things. I work in "social work" myself and understand the feeling of only having clientele and other people in the field and zero friends. If it wasn't for my girlfriend id be way worse off myself. She is helping me learn how to live like a normie.

It might be against some conduct or policy or some shit but i know people at all sorts of organizations and shit all over vermont. I can prolly help connect you to some folks that could help.
 
Thanks @RustyCrackleford I appreciate that. It should be known that prior to this year, there was always a warm shelter during winter. Things have changed.

They let Sara Russel go unceremoniously. She was the "Special Assistant to End Homelessness" and at one time my boss.

Ive worked both the temporary shelter and I was at the Waystation downtown for two years.

There are things available, there are just wait lists. There are supposedly hotel rooms if you're disabled, but as I have to start my job i couldnt even attempt it.

You must be familiar with Groundworks?
 
Keif' Richards said:
Thanks @RustyCrackleford I appreciate that. It should be known that prior to this year, there was always a warm shelter during winter. Things have changed.

They let Sara Russel go unceremoniously. She was the "Special Assistant to End Homelessness" and at one time my boss.

Ive worked both the temporary shelter and I was at the Waystation downtown for two years.

There are things available, there are just wait lists. There are supposedly hotel rooms if you're disabled, but as I have to start my job i couldnt even attempt it.

You must be familiar with Groundworks?
Click to expand...
Yeah im farmiliar with groundworks, and "work" with them a lot. I put work in quotes because they're often times very difficult to deal with due to inane bureaucracy
 
hi @Keif' Richards , it's madness zero zero from when we used to talk. You know I can relate and let me tell you that just the fact that you are looking at yourself from a new perspective and taking the time to count your blessings WILL do some good for you. You are getting in the right mindset.. you have some free time now, maybe a lot of free time, it's good that you are analyzing from all angles and it sounds that although yours supports are not at your fingertips, you have a great ability to develop them.

Keep us posted dude, congrats on starting early, that should help financially.

Having a job is HUGE - do everything in your power to do the job to the absolute BEST of your ability.

And only using your script is ALSO huge. Awesome job

Love you
 
Hey @streaM Freak I had no idea that was you. Yea man the only reason I have anything, a phone, a coat or a dollar in my pocket is because I refuse to fuck up.

I know not everyone is a fan but im a 12-Stepper. At least 5 a week. Past month 2 per day. Staying strong.

Love you too my friend. Thank you so much for the kind words.
 
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