I'm so scared and I need help.

[thespiral]

I am an 19 year old female still living with my mother and father. I first started using heroin in July, when a few friends introduced me to it. I was what you would call, a chipper. I used no more then 3 times a week, usually once a week but I was still strongly psychologically addicted to opiates. I just felt empty, like something was missing, I didn't feel good about myself, didn't feel beautiful, even though many people told me I was. When I wasn't using, all I could think about was scoring. I was also using it to cope with loneliness, social anxiety, extreme depression and feelings of alienation I've had all my life.

By December I had got to the point where I had stolen money from my family and sold my body a couple of times for dope and just couldn't live with myself. I quit, and then I got 5150ed a week later for a suicide attempt and this whole time my parents had no idea who was going on, just that something was wrong. After about a week of therapy I was released to my home and I came clean about what had happened before to trigger all of this and how I was done with hard drugs. They were concerned and fearful but also kind and understanding, but they also made it clear that if I ever fix again, there will be hell to pay.

I was so sure I could stay off at first. I started attending NA meetings, registered for 12 units of college, quit talking to old friends. Everything was looking really bright, but after 3 months I started feeling really depressed again and I dropped out of college and started to have awful cravings. After a whole 5 months of being clean albeit using some vicodin and shoorms, I couldn't take the cravings anymore and I relapsed.

I just feel really really scared now. My family doesn't know I've gone back up to my old tricks and I don't wan't them to find out it would crush their heart. I want to stop, but I just don't have any idea how. I've been so depressed I couldn't function in school or enough to get a job and nothing from the doctor has worked. I haven't had a boyfriend in years and my friends i know will stop talking to me if they hear I'm using. My dope friends just don't even care. Opiods are the only thing that can make me feel like a human being, but I don't want to get dragged under the life it will always lead to.

I'm so fucking scared I will either be depressed, jobless, and unfuncting my whole life or as a homeless stealing junkie hooker.

I don't want heroin to ruin my life but I don't know what else will make me feel "right." I don't know how to stay away from it either.

I'm really starting to feel like suicide is the only option.

 

[Fractals]

Suicide is never the answer, man. Get on a suboxone treatment or something, go to rehab. They'll help you get your life back on track.

Also...while I usually wouldn't recommend another substance as a substitute, I honestly believe that a therapeutic dose of MDMA would be very psychologically soothing for you. It is very possible for just a single dose of MDMA to cure depression in people. As long as it doesn't become a frequent habit, occasional MDMA sessions will help your life more than you can ever think. And the feelings of happiness do not fade away as the roll fades away. You'll find that your overall outlook on life becomes a great deal more positive.

Just make sure you don't ever mix MDMA with heroin or any opioids. That would be very dangerous and it would probably ruin the whole point of the treatment. Also, don't start taking MDMA on a frequent basis. Occasional therapeutic sessions are very beneficial, but using often is very damaging.

I don't know if you're a music lover or not, but if you are, feel free to message me on AIM at T3amAm3rica1. I find that great songs can improve a person's mood in a way that only music can. *Especially* listening to your own personal favorite music while on MDMA. Nothing beats that.

 

[DankmasterD]

I am an 19 year old female still living with my mother and father. I first started using heroin in July, when a few friends introduced me to it. I was what you would call, a chipper. I used no more then 3 times a week, usually once a week but I was still strongly psychologically addicted to opiates. I just felt empty, like something was missing, I didn't feel good about myself, didn't feel beautiful, even though many people told me I was. When I wasn't using, all I could think about was scoring. I was also using it to cope with loneliness, social anxiety, extreme depression and feelings of alienation I've had all my life.

By December I had got to the point where I had stolen money from my family and sold my body a couple of times for dope and just couldn't live with myself. I quit, and then I got 5150ed a week later for a suicide attempt and this whole time my parents had no idea who was going on, just that something was wrong. After about a week of therapy I was released to my home and I came clean about what had happened before to trigger all of this and how I was done with hard drugs. They were concerned and fearful but also kind and understanding, but they also made it clear that if I ever fix again, there will be hell to pay.

I was so sure I could stay off at first. I started attending NA meetings, registered for 12 units of college, quit talking to old friends. Everything was looking really bright, but after 3 months I started feeling really depressed again and I dropped out of college and started to have awful cravings. After a whole 5 months of being clean albeit using some vicodin and shoorms, I couldn't take the cravings anymore and I relapsed.

I just feel really really scared now. My family doesn't know I've gone back up to my old tricks and I don't wan't them to find out it would crush their heart. I want to stop, but I just don't have any idea how. I've been so depressed I couldn't function in school or enough to get a job and nothing from the doctor has worked. I haven't had a boyfriend in years and my friends i know will stop talking to me if they hear I'm using. My dope friends just don't even care. Opiods are the only thing that can make me feel like a human being, but I don't want to get dragged under the life it will always lead to.

I'm so fucking scared I will either be depressed, jobless, and unfuncting my whole life or as a homeless stealing junkie hooker.

I don't want heroin to ruin my life but I don't know what else will make me feel "right." I don't know how to stay away from it either.

I'm really starting to feel like suicide is the only option.

Get off the junk & get your head straight... if you do that everything will get better. It might be hard but it's worth it. Trust me.

 

[Dr.kush]

please please dont think of suicide again. once you do it your life is done!

i know its hard, but just tell your parents you want help, maybe you dont have to tell them about the heroin, just say you just want to talk to someone.

im suffering with this horrible addiction too and i know exactly what you are saying when you say you feel empty without it.

 

[coopie]

I agree with Fractals re: subuxone - get on maintenance program maybe? + try and keep trying to get onto a good counsellor whom u can see regularly - it's helped me no-end...

I've been suicidle myself at times - and it was true what my psychologist said: 'you will come out of it eventually if you don't do it and then will be amazed you were ever there' - and it's true. Someone important in my life committed suicide almost a year ago - I'll never stop wishing he'd have known/realised it wasn't the only option.

 

[Bojangles69]

Suicide is never an answer. I suggest possibly telling your parents, but ALSO telling them you may have a problem with depression. You MAY want to consider getting on an ssri like Lexapro for a few years, OR even a safer opiate alternative such as Kratom. Kratom will make you happy, works fairly the same as many opiates, but its safe.

I still think in the long run, you may want to consider an ssri. As of now, I suggest you get clean, get back into school, and use school to keep you clean. Get involved in clubs, meetings, get a job on campus, get INVOLVED in SOMETHING. Something that can help build a resume so you can start contemplating what you want to do with your life and future careers.

Heroin is only fun the first time you do it, after that its pretty much all down hill imo. You have thousands of addicts on this site, and I don't think 1 will tell you to go back on drugs. Most of us realize innately drugs don't really do a single good thing for anyone.

You are 19, and you have an excellent chance of being off drugs for good. I think at some point you may want to also become fond of NA, you don't need to go your whole life but it was very much a strong form of therapy for me when I was getting clean off of speed (which imo is one of the hardest drugs to stop permanently). You can also look into suboxone, but I personally think you don't need it.
Either way, don't give up, don't start freaking out, and be easy on yourself.
Theres people in here who have got off opiates dozens of times, its not impossible, its not even hard imo, the hard part is making your life into something that keeps you off of drugs for good. But you are still young, still very much growing and evolving, so you have a really good chance.

Fight the good fight, never give up, and kick opiates in the balls. G/luck!

 

[n3ophy7e]

My family doesn't know I've gone back up to my old tricks and I don't wan't them to find out it would crush their heart. I want to stop, but I just don't have any idea how.

What do you think will hurt your family more: telling them about what you're going through at the moment and asking for help again, or you committing suicide and leaving them forever? Suicide absolutely destroys the lives of everyone involved. Please don't consider it hun. I'm sorry to hear that you're back on dope, and I can understand how you'd been feeling helpless, but suicide is not the way to deal with this.

Coming off dope (or any drug) is really hard hun, and a lot of people need to make a few attempts at it. There is nothing wrong with seeking help again. You just have to keep trying until it works. Your family will be disappointed initially but they will help you.

Good luck