thespiral
Bluelighter
I am an 19 year old female still living with my mother and father. I first started using heroin in July, when a few friends introduced me to it. I was what you would call, a chipper. I used no more then 3 times a week, usually once a week but I was still strongly psychologically addicted to opiates. I just felt empty, like something was missing, I didn't feel good about myself, didn't feel beautiful, even though many people told me I was. When I wasn't using, all I could think about was scoring. I was also using it to cope with loneliness, social anxiety, extreme depression and feelings of alienation I've had all my life.
By December I had got to the point where I had stolen money from my family and sold my body a couple of times for dope and just couldn't live with myself. I quit, and then I got 5150ed a week later for a suicide attempt and this whole time my parents had no idea who was going on, just that something was wrong. After about a week of therapy I was released to my home and I came clean about what had happened before to trigger all of this and how I was done with hard drugs. They were concerned and fearful but also kind and understanding, but they also made it clear that if I ever fix again, there will be hell to pay.
I was so sure I could stay off at first. I started attending NA meetings, registered for 12 units of college, quit talking to old friends. Everything was looking really bright, but after 3 months I started feeling really depressed again and I dropped out of college and started to have awful cravings. After a whole 5 months of being clean albeit using some vicodin and shoorms, I couldn't take the cravings anymore and I relapsed.
I just feel really really scared now. My family doesn't know I've gone back up to my old tricks and I don't wan't them to find out it would crush their heart. I want to stop, but I just don't have any idea how. I've been so depressed I couldn't function in school or enough to get a job and nothing from the doctor has worked. I haven't had a boyfriend in years and my friends i know will stop talking to me if they hear I'm using. My dope friends just don't even care. Opiods are the only thing that can make me feel like a human being, but I don't want to get dragged under the life it will always lead to.
I'm so fucking scared I will either be depressed, jobless, and unfuncting my whole life or as a homeless stealing junkie hooker.
I don't want heroin to ruin my life but I don't know what else will make me feel "right." I don't know how to stay away from it either.
I'm really starting to feel like suicide is the only option.
By December I had got to the point where I had stolen money from my family and sold my body a couple of times for dope and just couldn't live with myself. I quit, and then I got 5150ed a week later for a suicide attempt and this whole time my parents had no idea who was going on, just that something was wrong. After about a week of therapy I was released to my home and I came clean about what had happened before to trigger all of this and how I was done with hard drugs. They were concerned and fearful but also kind and understanding, but they also made it clear that if I ever fix again, there will be hell to pay.
I was so sure I could stay off at first. I started attending NA meetings, registered for 12 units of college, quit talking to old friends. Everything was looking really bright, but after 3 months I started feeling really depressed again and I dropped out of college and started to have awful cravings. After a whole 5 months of being clean albeit using some vicodin and shoorms, I couldn't take the cravings anymore and I relapsed.
I just feel really really scared now. My family doesn't know I've gone back up to my old tricks and I don't wan't them to find out it would crush their heart. I want to stop, but I just don't have any idea how. I've been so depressed I couldn't function in school or enough to get a job and nothing from the doctor has worked. I haven't had a boyfriend in years and my friends i know will stop talking to me if they hear I'm using. My dope friends just don't even care. Opiods are the only thing that can make me feel like a human being, but I don't want to get dragged under the life it will always lead to.
I'm so fucking scared I will either be depressed, jobless, and unfuncting my whole life or as a homeless stealing junkie hooker.
I don't want heroin to ruin my life but I don't know what else will make me feel "right." I don't know how to stay away from it either.
I'm really starting to feel like suicide is the only option.
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