Znegative
Bluelight Crew
Anyway, I've been a user of opiates and stimulants for the last 4 1/2 years. I went from sniffing coke and dope, to shooting speedballs, drinking methadone, and popping xanax bars. needless to say, thing have gotten pretty dark at times, and the fact that I'm only 22, and live at home with my folks does not help.
Lately, I've been feeling really pissed off in general. In december I relapsed after abstaining from all drugs and alchohol for almost 10 months. My addiction seemed to pick up right where I left off. Within my first day of doing heroin again, I had shot over half a bundle within 1 day, and was up all night banging coke. Eventually, all the money that I had saved up from my job, ran out, and I had no choice but to tell my family, so I could get back on suboxone. Since then, the suboxone has helped very little with my opiate cravings, and my need for speed increased almost 10 times. I once again started downing amphetamine and shooting/smoking coke. This eventually resulted in an overdose about a month and a half ago. Since that time I have stayed relatively clean ( I've used only a handfull of times within the last month.) However the cravings I get have been off the wall.
My family expects me to attend AA/NA meetings, and to work with a sponsor. I also go to a young peoples outpatient group 2x's a week. I do this all to humour them, so that things are a bit more easy around the house, and because, until recently, I enjoyed the program. But lately it's been getting me mad.
I'm naturally a pretty insecure person, and I've struggled to not doubt myself, and to reward myself when I've done good. However, when I'm in these meetings and programs, I find myself to really start to feel shitty about myself. I'm getting sick of hearing about what a selfish, ungrateful, willful, and horrible decision making person I am. I know the point isn't to degrade people, but that's how I'm starting to feel, and it's making me mad, because not every decision I make is a selfish one, or a bad one.
I'm also getting pissed about this gratitude shit. I am greatfull for my family, I really am, and I'm greatful for all my friends, and the oppurtunites that I have, but in the end, it does not really help me when it comes to heroin. I still think about shooting dope ALL the time, NO MATTER what I do.
A few weeks ago at my outpatient, I brought up that I was on suboxone. This girl started to bitch at me about it, saying I should get off and all that. This girl is 17 years old, and never shot a bag of dope in her life. AND she got clean when she was 14 (pothead). Needless to say, this just made me more pissed, and more self righteous. Since then I've just decided to do what I want, as long as it doesn't fuck up my life so much that I can't do anything but get high. I figure now, whatever path ends up taking me to the place I want to be, then that's find, and I don't have to follow some program, simply because people tell me that's the only way to have a good life.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this thread, but it just feels good to finally write this all out. I'd also be interested if anyone feels similairly.
Lately, I've been feeling really pissed off in general. In december I relapsed after abstaining from all drugs and alchohol for almost 10 months. My addiction seemed to pick up right where I left off. Within my first day of doing heroin again, I had shot over half a bundle within 1 day, and was up all night banging coke. Eventually, all the money that I had saved up from my job, ran out, and I had no choice but to tell my family, so I could get back on suboxone. Since then, the suboxone has helped very little with my opiate cravings, and my need for speed increased almost 10 times. I once again started downing amphetamine and shooting/smoking coke. This eventually resulted in an overdose about a month and a half ago. Since that time I have stayed relatively clean ( I've used only a handfull of times within the last month.) However the cravings I get have been off the wall.
My family expects me to attend AA/NA meetings, and to work with a sponsor. I also go to a young peoples outpatient group 2x's a week. I do this all to humour them, so that things are a bit more easy around the house, and because, until recently, I enjoyed the program. But lately it's been getting me mad.
I'm naturally a pretty insecure person, and I've struggled to not doubt myself, and to reward myself when I've done good. However, when I'm in these meetings and programs, I find myself to really start to feel shitty about myself. I'm getting sick of hearing about what a selfish, ungrateful, willful, and horrible decision making person I am. I know the point isn't to degrade people, but that's how I'm starting to feel, and it's making me mad, because not every decision I make is a selfish one, or a bad one.
I'm also getting pissed about this gratitude shit. I am greatfull for my family, I really am, and I'm greatful for all my friends, and the oppurtunites that I have, but in the end, it does not really help me when it comes to heroin. I still think about shooting dope ALL the time, NO MATTER what I do.
A few weeks ago at my outpatient, I brought up that I was on suboxone. This girl started to bitch at me about it, saying I should get off and all that. This girl is 17 years old, and never shot a bag of dope in her life. AND she got clean when she was 14 (pothead). Needless to say, this just made me more pissed, and more self righteous. Since then I've just decided to do what I want, as long as it doesn't fuck up my life so much that I can't do anything but get high. I figure now, whatever path ends up taking me to the place I want to be, then that's find, and I don't have to follow some program, simply because people tell me that's the only way to have a good life.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this thread, but it just feels good to finally write this all out. I'd also be interested if anyone feels similairly.