I'm sick and tired, of being sick and tired

[Znegative]

Anyway, I've been a user of opiates and stimulants for the last 4 1/2 years. I went from sniffing coke and dope, to shooting speedballs, drinking methadone, and popping xanax bars. needless to say, thing have gotten pretty dark at times, and the fact that I'm only 22, and live at home with my folks does not help.

Lately, I've been feeling really pissed off in general. In december I relapsed after abstaining from all drugs and alchohol for almost 10 months. My addiction seemed to pick up right where I left off. Within my first day of doing heroin again, I had shot over half a bundle within 1 day, and was up all night banging coke. Eventually, all the money that I had saved up from my job, ran out, and I had no choice but to tell my family, so I could get back on suboxone. Since then, the suboxone has helped very little with my opiate cravings, and my need for speed increased almost 10 times. I once again started downing amphetamine and shooting/smoking coke. This eventually resulted in an overdose about a month and a half ago. Since that time I have stayed relatively clean ( I've used only a handfull of times within the last month.) However the cravings I get have been off the wall.

My family expects me to attend AA/NA meetings, and to work with a sponsor. I also go to a young peoples outpatient group 2x's a week. I do this all to humour them, so that things are a bit more easy around the house, and because, until recently, I enjoyed the program. But lately it's been getting me mad.

I'm naturally a pretty insecure person, and I've struggled to not doubt myself, and to reward myself when I've done good. However, when I'm in these meetings and programs, I find myself to really start to feel shitty about myself. I'm getting sick of hearing about what a selfish, ungrateful, willful, and horrible decision making person I am. I know the point isn't to degrade people, but that's how I'm starting to feel, and it's making me mad, because not every decision I make is a selfish one, or a bad one.

I'm also getting pissed about this gratitude shit. I am greatfull for my family, I really am, and I'm greatful for all my friends, and the oppurtunites that I have, but in the end, it does not really help me when it comes to heroin. I still think about shooting dope ALL the time, NO MATTER what I do.

A few weeks ago at my outpatient, I brought up that I was on suboxone. This girl started to bitch at me about it, saying I should get off and all that. This girl is 17 years old, and never shot a bag of dope in her life. AND she got clean when she was 14 (pothead). Needless to say, this just made me more pissed, and more self righteous. Since then I've just decided to do what I want, as long as it doesn't fuck up my life so much that I can't do anything but get high. I figure now, whatever path ends up taking me to the place I want to be, then that's find, and I don't have to follow some program, simply because people tell me that's the only way to have a good life.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this thread, but it just feels good to finally write this all out. I'd also be interested if anyone feels similairly.

 

[Mr Blonde]

I hope you don't that girl to go fuck herself.

I'm in the same boat, I think about using all the time, and the only thing stopping me is lack of connections... I went clean for a while like you as well, relapsed though and I'm not sure why and since then I really haven't thought seriously about getting clean. I imagine if I was in programs when I wasn't ready to get clean yet I would get kinda pissed off, not sure if this is what's happening to you.

 

[33Hz]

Since then I've just decided to do what I want, as long as it doesn't fuck up my life so much that I can't do anything but get high.

It's not always that simple though. There's nothing wrong with a bit of me time, in fact I'd say it's crucial to keeping sane. At the same time we can't always do what we want to do. It's a give and take thing. We also have to take into consideration how our actions might affect others as well. And if they are affecting others in a negative fashion, perhaps maybe we should think twice about doing it. And I don't mean just because someone doesn't like you using drugs, that you shouldn't use them, more if you using drugs makes you a burden on other people. If you can use drugs and still support yourself well, then that's fair enough. But if it means relying on others to support you financially, or keeping a house over your head, keeping you fed, things like that, then perhaps this isn't fair on them.

 

[Znegative]

^ I agree with you one hundred percent. Lately I really havn't been using drugs, other than suboxone, which I'm prescribed. I've been I.V'ing them, which has actually helped me stay away from pills and street drugs. I know this is not considered the most healthy thing to be doing, but right now, I'm not losing sleep over it. I feel that it's fair enough, it allows me to have energy, get my work done, be helpful, and to stay out of trouble and satisfy my cravings twice as much as sublingual use does.
I also agree that I can't get what I want all the time, however, that's not really the case here. I'm really not a spoiled person, and I like helping out my family and friends. I just find staying clean for other people can become a huge burden, and it always leads to slips. The desire to be clean has to come from within, and no matter how hard I try, I just don't have that desire.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Znegative... though i think there is SOME error in your thinking, i want to thank you for posting this.

lately, i'm not sure how much NA/AA is helping.... they really make you feel like a guilty piece of shit, right? since there are many documented suicides of people stuck between addiction and "the program," i'm beginning to wonder whether meeting attendance is healthy.

i'm sick of the guilt!

 

[graugeist]

Hey, man, you made it to 10 months once. You can do it again. As for that young girl, she has not had the same experiences as you have, has not used the drugs that you have, and therefore cannot relate. Do not pay attention to her. Not everyone that you meet in treatment will be understanding of your situation. During treatment, the goal is to focus on yourself and not worry about other people in treatment with you.

Unfortunately, it sounds as though you are not taking advantage of the treatment and resources that you have available to you now. If you keep using, it sounds like your situation will only become worse. If you do not take advantage of the treatment that you have available to you now, the next time something bad happens to you involving drugs that treatment may not be there when you really want it or desperately need it.

If you feel that the treatment is not helping you, or that you are upset with other people who are in treatment with you, or that you are just going through the motions to shut everyone else up, the best thing that you can do is to bring all of this to the attention of your parents and the people who are treating you. It is better to be honest about these things.

 

[Znegative]

It is better to be honest about these things.

first off let me thank everyone for responding. The reason I made this post is because I agree with what the above poster wrote. It's better to be honest. However, the problem I encounter, is that sometimes I feel that my honesty is not really appreciated at these programs. (there are of course acceptions, certain meetings are good). I often feel, like when I share about how I want to get high, or am not feeling so great, that people get pissed off because I'm spewing negativity. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I feel like I'm this malignant force that's slowly infecting the good nature of my fellow alchoholics/addicts (ok, haha that's a bit melodramatic, but you get the idea). Because of this I've just stopped sharing pretty much.

It's just a difficult situation for me, because I'm forced into this by my family. I want them to be happy of course, but If I'm really going to be honest, the truth is, I've always gotten clean for them, it's never really been my decision. And I truly believe this is the kind of thing you have to want for yourself. I don't want to break my mom's heart and tell her that I don't intend to keep going to these meetings and programs, but then again, if I start using opiates and stimulants again like I used to, it will be even more devastating.

I'm really glad that I have this forum to talk about this stuff with people, there's no judgement here, so thank you all once again!

 

[Known2]

Hey Znegative,
Just read ur post there.... And agree with previous response, In that you did it before, so you can do it again. Addiction is a relapsing condition... and you cant decide to do it for anybody else. Plus to find a right time is hard too.... but whatever you do in the meantime, just reduce the harm you could be exposing yourself to... as in make sure you are in a needle exchange, and if you can try not inject, smoke instead. Im not saying do it, but i am saying if you are going to, make sure to minimise your risk. My friend is ten years off heroin, and now has a family and lovely wife, but he would still feel the "force" as you refer to. Try think what has made you insecure, or unhappy? Try find the root of this addiction, and take your time, but be safe in the meantime..... Love and Light xxx

 

[nudemonkei]

You seem to be justifying your current action based on the opinion of a young girl who you already noted has never known a bag of dope. Please don't rationalize your behaviour based on such a silly precedent, justify it on your own. You are already able to recognize where you feel yourself to be, to a large extent, both physiologically and psychologically. That's good enough.

I understand what it is to feel sick and tired of being sick and tired. It sounds as if your supposed support group is doing a better job of rubbing your nose in shit rather than trying to help you figure out where to go yourself. AA/NA and all other groups can be notoriously unhelpful unless you 'jive' with the members, but if you know what you want or where you want to be then you have something. If you figure out what to do, please let me know, but you can assess yourself. That, in itself, is something to be very proud of.

 

[Carl Landrover]

Me too.

I've come to a realization that I am generally sick of this lifestyle. The high is not worth it anymore. Too many problems and other BS comes along with it and I can't go through this anymore. I feel worn out from this constant up and down cycle.

I cut contact off with dope boy. There's a few other people I can go through if I want oxy or H though, but I just want to move away from it. Even if I'm on suboxone for a while again, which I'd prefer not to be, it'd still be better than this continual back and forth I'm on.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Just stop going to meetings then!

If you're still having cravings, you need to address this one way or another. Try therapy, or ask your Suboxone doctor for a dose increase.

If neither of these things help, then there's lifestyle changes you can make (eating a well balanced diet, daily exercise, working a job, getting a support network of people who don't judge you). Finally, you need to get in an environment you have not used in before. I think it's critical to most people recovering. I kept relapsing in the same place because I had used in it before. Then, I stopped relapsing (you know why - I won't bring it up in TDS) and then before I relapsed again I moved to a new place I absolute love living in, so I have yet to relapse due to good luck and some of the same lifestyle changes I brought up here.

If this doesn't work, then I would consider switching over to methadone. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but some people never get coverage from cravings with Suboxone.

It sounds like you are living with your parents, and you were using heroin/cocaine/amphetamine in the same place you are still living in. This could be a primary reason why you still have cravings.

I hope one day you feel more secure about yourself. Remember that gratitude is also something you should have for yourself. I can tell you are grateful for your parents and friends, so don't worry about what ignornat people at meetings are telling you. They are just getting down on you to make themselves feel better about their own poor choices in life.

It's a psychological coping mechanism called projection. People at NA/AA meetings often utilize it because pointing the finger at someone else reduces the shame and regret they feel about their own lives. Don't let other people guilt trip you! Feel good about living your life in the present.

I think you're doing OK so far and I can tell you're trying, keep on and good luck!

It's just a difficult situation for me, because I'm forced into this by my family. I want them to be happy of course, but If I'm really going to be honest, the truth is, I've always gotten clean for them, it's never really been my decision. And I truly believe this is the kind of thing you have to want for yourself. I don't want to break my mom's heart and tell her that I don't intend to keep going to these meetings and programs, but then again, if I start using opiates and stimulants again like I used to, it will be even more devastating.

I'm really glad that I have this forum to talk about this stuff with people, there's no judgement here, so thank you all once again!

Going to meetings and staying clean are two separate entities.

If your mom can't be happy for you for just staying clean, then don't care what your mom thinks/feels. It's clearly not rational. Going to meetings is like going to church. You don't have to believe in God to go to church. You also don't have to be a good person to enter into a church (think about catholic priests if this example confuses you).

What I'm trying to say here is I don't go to meetings, I would never waste my time doing so. And I haven't touched heroin for 19 months now. I don't have cravings, and I don't intend on ever using again (nor do I feel guilty or ashamed about myself). There's more than one way to get to the same point.

You are right in saying it's something you want to have for your own life. If you don't want to get clean, it's not something that can really be done by other people. So don't get high all the time, do it responsibly and when you have time and the right kind of environment for it. Meaning; don't do it in your parents home, or in front of your parents. And don't blow all of your money on it.

Keep a nest egg for yourself, and never go into that money for anything other than your own survival (buying medications is one thing, but buying street drugs with that $ is unacceptable). If you can keep a nest egg for yourself, and manage to keep putting money into it, you should be all right with finding a healthy balance between not being a drug addict, and not abstaining from all things enjoyable.

Hey Znegative,
Just read ur post there.... And agree with previous response, In that you did it before, so you can do it again. Addiction is a relapsing condition... and you cant decide to do it for anybody else. Plus to find a right time is hard too.... but whatever you do in the meantime, just reduce the harm you could be exposing yourself to... as in make sure you are in a needle exchange, and if you can try not inject, smoke instead. Im not saying do it, but i am saying if you are going to, make sure to minimise your risk. My friend is ten years off heroin, and now has a family and lovely wife, but he would still feel the "force" as you refer to. Try think what has made you insecure, or unhappy? Try find the root of this addiction, and take your time, but be safe in the meantime..... Love and Light xxx

Smoking Suboxone is a bad idea. I would suggest sublingual Suboxone over smoking it lol, but I think you were referring to H and not Suboxone.

Going to a needle exchange is a brilliant idea, I would do it if I could (driving a 6 hour round trip is not possible for me every time I want to go to the exchange).