Exhausted Im kinda done with everything

[nznity]

My whole body aches. I feel drained, , exhausted of being ill.i take loads of benzos everynight to sleep... just to wake up and feel more tired and sore all over my body. I feel so fragile in this nasty world, I think I don't belong here. I've always felt like something was missing and tried to fill that void with massive amounts of narcotics and rampant cocaine use but it only numbed myself temporarily while everything was falling apart around me. It only made the hole bigger and I'm permanently scarred from all the havoc drugs have brought upon my life.
I'm being pushed to the extreme right now, no one should ever feel this sad. My suicide ideations are more recurrent everyday that passes, the first thing I think in the morning is "why am I still alive?". During the day I constantly ruminate thinking ways to die, my depression is through the roof, the food all tastes the same to me now. In conclusion, just being alive has become a fucking chore and I'm being pushed to the limit 247. I'm too young but at the same time I'm too sick and I'm not enjoying life anymore( I'm starting to doubt if I ever did too).
Anyway, I'm just done with everything. I just wanna sleep and never wake up. Only in dreams I feel happy so sooner or later, ill put myself down to a perpetual oniric trip. Thank you, Adiós.

 

[wirkdy]

in this age not few are the people living in the same circumstances or worse
my advice is to hold on hard and if needed even harder, show this shitty society you ain't gonna succumb to it and improve your state!

 

[nznity]

in this age not few are the people living in the same circumstances or worse
my advice is to hold on hard and if needed even harder, show this shitty society you ain't gonna succumb to it and improve your state!

Thank you man, appreciate the comment

 

[OpiateKiller]

Love you bro we are survivors. I’m sorry you are struggling I am as well and hope we can get out alive. Please seek help and a better life get off the benzos

 

[cdin]

what finally got me to clean up. i had abused every receptor site so much and thoroughly that basically everything was side effects/negative effects and required massive doses. physically, mentally, and soulfully i was just so tired.

Giving up and moving on was the best and most relieving decision i ever made. For my health, mental and physical as well as spiritual self. I know the place you're at. it sucks -- and immediately after it sucks as you get all the shit drained out. for me it took over 9 mos before I really began to turn a corner and get my physicality back/able to sleep/able to be sensible. but it was worth it. At 2+ years things are really starting to heal. they DO get better, but you gotta give your brain the time to heal.
you're a very intelligent person, you've got a lot ahead of you. you will make it through this as long as you keep puttin one foot in front of the other, so to speak.

 

[bird.is.the.word]

I came back from a super dark place similar to what you're describing and now life keeps getting better every day. This shit you're going through is temporary. Life becomes harder with drugs. We use them to escape, then when we return we're often left with what we were trying to escape from plus addiction on top of that. Not to mention financial shit.

You need to get clean. Benzo withdrawals are not to be taken lightly. They can literally kill you. Ideally, you need to go to rehab. I don't know your history. Maybe you know how to kick hard drugs. I thought I did then benzo withdrawals made me go insane. I don't know what they give you in rehab when you're in there for benzos. I guess they give you benzos? I had methadone.

You can't keep consuming them the way you are describing.

Shit can get better, if you allow it to.

 

[Uknowit4now]

My whole body aches. I feel drained, , exhausted of being ill.i take loads of benzos everynight to sleep... just to wake up and feel more tired and sore all over my body. I feel so fragile in this nasty world, I think I don't belong here. I've always felt like something was missing and tried to fill that void with massive amounts of narcotics and rampant cocaine use but it only numbed myself temporarily while everything was falling apart around me. It only made the hole bigger and I'm permanently scarred from all the havoc drugs have brought upon my life.
I'm being pushed to the extreme right now, no one should ever feel this sad. My suicide ideations are more recurrent everyday that passes, the first thing I think in the morning is "why am I still alive?". During the day I constantly ruminate thinking ways to die, my depression is through the roof, the food all tastes the same to me now. In conclusion, just being alive has become a fucking chore and I'm being pushed to the limit 247. I'm too young but at the same time I'm too sick and I'm not enjoying life anymore( I'm starting to doubt if I ever did too).
Anyway, I'm just done with everything. I just wanna sleep and never wake up. Only in dreams I feel happy so sooner or later, ill put myself down to a perpetual oniric trip. Thank you, Adiós.

Your 100% right being alive does become a chore and it gets so difficult. But i saw you were clean once so you can do it again. If you cant do it yourself, get some help there is no shame... drugs fuck with your head sooo much, so its just all those chemicals messing with your head..and your brain is ping ponging back and forth and yes that will drive you mad... dont let it.. take control.. you can do no matter how hard you think it may be.. shit man i did a run for over "30 years" trust me i know how bad it can get and how many friggen times i wanted to die... if i can do it you can to... im on my 7th day 100% clean and fuck it wasnt easy, but slow and steady wins the race itll never be done in a day they way we all want it.. think of all the days we fucked up.. its take many days to heal... its the fight of your life, remeber your "saving your own life" if you want it you will do it. And i know its hard af makes me cry just thinking about how fucking hard it is.. but only you can do... save your life man youll never be happier... never...

 

[nznity]

Love you bro we are survivors. I’m sorry you are struggling I am as well and hope we can get out alive. Please seek help and a better life get off the benzos

It's not that bro, I'm going through some real nasty health problems but the fight isn't lost yet.

 

[nznity]

Your 100% right being alive does become a chore and it gets so difficult. But i saw you were clean once so you can do it again. If you cant do it yourself, get some help there is no shame... drugs fuck with your head sooo much, so its just all those chemicals messing with your head..and your brain is ping ponging back and forth and yes that will drive you mad... dont let it.. take control.. you can do no matter how hard you think it may be.. shit man i did a run for over "30 years" trust me i know how bad it can get and how many friggen times i wanted to die... if i can do it you can to... im on my 7th day 100% clean and fuck it wasnt easy, but slow and steady wins the race itll never be done in a day they way we all want it.. think of all the days we fucked up.. its take many days to heal... its the fight of your life, remeber your "saving your own life" if you want it you will do it. And i know its hard af makes me cry just thinking about how fucking hard it is.. but only you can do... save your life man youll never be happier... never...

I think you guys are misinterpreting my words, it's ok though because I'm not saying things straight up. Drugs aren't really a problem right now. I'm going through an existencial crisis and in fact drugs are keeping me sane rn tbh. I'm battling my demons the best I can as of now, thanks 4 the kind words though. Yeah, I've beaten drugs once and I'll do it again if time gives me the chance.

 

[nznity]

I came back from a super dark place similar to what you're describing and now life keeps getting better every day. This shit you're going through is temporary. Life becomes harder with drugs. We use them to escape, then when we return we're often left with what we were trying to escape from plus addiction on top of that. Not to mention financial shit.

You need to get clean. Benzo withdrawals are not to be taken lightly. They can literally kill you. Ideally, you need to go to rehab. I don't know your history. Maybe you know how to kick hard drugs. I thought I did then benzo withdrawals made me go insane. I don't know what they give you in rehab when you're in there for benzos. I guess they give you benzos? I had methadone.

You can't keep consuming them the way you are describing.

Shit can get better, if you allow it to.

I'm not going through benzo wds either. I got enough for a lifetime, the thing is to come alive from the 5 surgeries I need to come back to normality. Honestly, I'm scared wtf is gonna happen but I'm still here. Thx a lot guys

 

[Uknowit4now]

I think you guys are misinterpreting my words, it's ok though because I'm not saying things straight up. Drugs aren't really a problem right now. I'm going through an existencial crisis and in fact drugs are keeping me sane rn tbh. I'm battling my demons the best I can as of now, thanks 4 the kind words though. Yeah, I've beaten drugs once and I'll do it again if time gives me the chance.

Understood we all have our problems and only we know what makes us happy.. drugs never helped me tho.. and i got started cause i had a bullet in my spine.. bedridden for months.. i thought drugs woukd help the pain.. they never did... not even a little.. it was all in my head.. 1000mg of methadone about 30 to 40 percs, a few bags of dope and 5 or 10 xanxys a day it what i thought was best.. lol.. fucking whacked out is what i was, and no matter how dam hard id try tonslove my other issues.. it never worked cause my brain was so over loaded it had no fucking clue how to operate properly, over 30 years later it took me to realize that.. messed up for sure, thats just me tho.. i wish you resolution and happiness in your issues my friend.. be safe be safe...

 

[nznity]

Understood we all have our problems and only we know what makes us happy.. drugs never helped me tho.. and i got started cause i had a bullet in my spine.. bedridden for months.. i thought drugs woukd help the pain.. they never did... not even a little.. it was all in my head.. 1000mg of methadone about 30 to 40 percs, a few bags of dope and 5 or 10 xanxys a day it what i thought was best.. lol.. fucking whacked out is what i was, and no matter how dam hard id try tonslove my other issues.. it never worked cause my brain was so over loaded it had no fucking clue how to operate properly, over 30 years later it took me to realize that.. messed up for sure, thats just me tho.. i wish you resolution and happiness in your issues my friend.. be safe be safe...

Thx, yeah I'm trying to lower my drug consumption to the minimum cause I'm going to go through some extensive surgery to come back to life really. I've been over a year bedridden, it's hard psychologically and physically but the universe itself is accommodating things and I just gotta endure a bit more. My life has got to be totally different after all this burden. One day at a time *sigh* thanks again for the kind words.

 

[Electrum1]

So you're finally getting surgery?

 

[Uknowit4now]

Thx, yeah I'm trying to lower my drug consumption to the minimum cause I'm going to go through some extensive surgery to come back to life really. I've been over a year bedridden, it's hard psychologically and physically but the universe itself is accommodating things and I just gotta endure a bit more. My life has got to be totally different after all this burden. One day at a time *sigh* thanks again for the kind words.

Oh man i soo feel ya.. i looked and looked for almost 2 years for anyone to take the bullet outta me.. it was in my lower spine in l4.. couldnt find anyone! No one would touch it finnaly finnaly i got a call from the head of the nero spine and brain dept at new engalnd med center and he agreed to take it out... holy shit i was so happy it had been almost two years sinxe my accident just to top it all off the accident so to speak happened the day before my 21st b day... so the day of and for moths later i was in the hospital unable to eat or walk for months.. once i was actually able to eat i cpuldnt even chew! Try not eating for 3 months and see how yer jaws feel.. and at this point i had a full morphine drip under my "own" control and i had percs like ever 4 hours on top of that, it still never helped... i just remeber pushing the button and just "Passing out" i never had taken any opiates befor this.... so after several months they finally made me a back brace so i could "sit" up.. took me a week before i actually could. Then i tired standing.. and after another 2 weeks i was standing!! And then after a few more weeks i was hobbling! Id grab the iv pole and just gold onto it for dear life and just drag my ass all over that hospital...lol.. theybwere like slow down i was like f that im walking.. finally i walked and just needed a cane mind you i was 21 years old... now i had the bullet still in my spine and inwas walking man i was walking.. but my legs and back hurt when i would bend.. it was tough pain.. i just took more and more meds.. went to the pain clinic and i got methadone and percs and my doctors would likely joke with me and ask what do you want woth your coffee this morning, methadone or percocets? Lol... anyway i found the person to tkae the bullet out and they did.. it cost 285,000 dollars... 40k an hour to take that out.. well i woke up with racoon eyes because they had to have my stomach suspended in mid air so inwas on my stomach with my eyes in i guess these cups.. anyway when i woke they had the bullet in the cup and said here ya go it was a full success i was never happier and after that i did t even need a cane to walk!! I was friggen healed man.. i didnt need any more pain meds.. but thats not what my head told me.. and thats what got me into dope.. and i dont even wanna tell you those stories..lol.. pire fucking madness. Pure.. i cant believe im even alive.. but i am fucking thankful... that accident was 30 years ago.. and all that dope and whatever else i polluted my body with.. never helped.. it never ever helped.. its so fucked up.. hen i ws usi g my mind just thought so much differently.. its normal now.. and i think has been or a while due to the subs i have been on faithfully for about 2 years and weaned for like 15 months or somthingmlike that.. now being sub free on my 7th day today, i am like a little kid with fucking new bike.. and if i knew now what i didnt know then.. yea i would have never even taken those meds.. or got off them after the bullet was out.. hopefully if you get whatever you need it heals you and you use that to your own advantage.. youll always do bettter as "yourself" then high.. trust me i know me high feels good no doubt.. but it just really masks the pain, and in the end fucks witball the chemicals in yer brain.. dam using inwas always depressed always.. now i am.always happy!!!!
Good luck..

 

[nznity]

Oh man i soo feel ya.. i looked and looked for almost 2 years for anyone to take the bullet outta me.. it was in my lower spine in l4.. couldnt find anyone! No one would touch it finnaly finnaly i got a call from the head of the nero spine and brain dept at new engalnd med center and he agreed to take it out... holy shit i was so happy it had been almost two years sinxe my accident just to top it all off the accident so to speak happened the day before my 21st b day... so the day of and for moths later i was in the hospital unable to eat or walk for months.. once i was actually able to eat i cpuldnt even chew! Try not eating for 3 months and see how yer jaws feel.. and at this point i had a full morphine drip under my "own" control and i had percs like ever 4 hours on top of that, it still never helped... i just remeber pushing the button and just "Passing out" i never had taken any opiates befor this.... so after several months they finally made me a back brace so i could "sit" up.. took me a week before i actually could. Then i tired standing.. and after another 2 weeks i was standing!! And then after a few more weeks i was hobbling! Id grab the iv pole and just gold onto it for dear life and just drag my ass all over that hospital...lol.. theybwere like slow down i was like f that im walking.. finally i walked and just needed a cane mind you i was 21 years old... now i had the bullet still in my spine and inwas walking man i was walking.. but my legs and back hurt when i would bend.. it was tough pain.. i just took more and more meds.. went to the pain clinic and i got methadone and percs and my doctors would likely joke with me and ask what do you want woth your coffee this morning, methadone or percocets? Lol... anyway i found the person to tkae the bullet out and they did.. it cost 285,000 dollars... 40k an hour to take that out.. well i woke up with racoon eyes because they had to have my stomach suspended in mid air so inwas on my stomach with my eyes in i guess these cups.. anyway when i woke they had the bullet in the cup and said here ya go it was a full success i was never happier and after that i did t even need a cane to walk!! I was friggen healed man.. i didnt need any more pain meds.. but thats not what my head told me.. and thats what got me into dope.. and i dont even wanna tell you those stories..lol.. pire fucking madness. Pure.. i cant believe im even alive.. but i am fucking thankful... that accident was 30 years ago.. and all that dope and whatever else i polluted my body with.. never helped.. it never ever helped.. its so fucked up.. hen i ws usi g my mind just thought so much differently.. its normal now.. and i think has been or a while due to the subs i have been on faithfully for about 2 years and weaned for like 15 months or somthingmlike that.. now being sub free on my 7th day today, i am like a little kid with fucking new bike.. and if i knew now what i didnt know then.. yea i would have never even taken those meds.. or got off them after the bullet was out.. hopefully if you get whatever you need it heals you and you use that to your own advantage.. youll always do bettter as "yourself" then high.. trust me i know me high feels good no doubt.. but it just really masks the pain, and in the end fucks witball the chemicals in yer brain.. dam using inwas always depressed always.. now i am.always happy!!!!
Good luck..

Man your history is so similar to mine it's scary lols I got run by a car on my 26th bday 2020 and got fucked up in many parts of my body(I've already told this story many times I'm kinda lazy to write it again >.<). Anyway since fucking covid was rampant and my national health system is deficient I've had to wait almost years for the pandemic to pass and finally I've found a dr who has studied in Switzerland to finally fucking fixed my broken/dislocated arms. I know the feeling man....I wanted to fucking die 6-8 months ago. But now, I've got some hope again. That spark has reignited the flame I needed to hang on still. Thx 4 ur story man, I really appreciate it for telling it ❤
Cheers

 

[Uknowit4now]

Man your history is so similar to mine it's scary lols I got run by a car on my 26th bday 2020 and got fucked up in many parts of my body(I've already told this story many times I'm kinda lazy to write it again >.<). Anyway since fucking covid was rampant and my national health system is deficient I've had to wait almost years for the pandemic to pass and finally I've found a dr who has studied in Switzerland to finally fucking fixed my broken/dislocated arms. I know the feeling man....I wanted to fucking die 6-8 months ago. But now, I've got some hope again. That spark has reignited the flame I needed to hang on still. Thx 4 ur story man, I really appreciate it for telling it ❤
Cheers

That makes me feel good thank you i wish we all could help each other we "all" need that push... were all only human.. and it should never be a problem when we fall, that just means we get back up and try again... its the way you learn how to do anything! The shit is no different... do what you gotta do only you know the right path for yourself.. we all do deep inside we all do stay safe most importantly

 

[OpiateKiller]

Thx, yeah I'm trying to lower my drug consumption to the minimum cause I'm going to go through some extensive surgery to come back to life really. I've been over a year bedridden, it's hard psychologically and physically but the universe itself is accommodating things and I just gotta endure a bit more. My life has got to be totally different after all this burden. One day at a time *sigh* thanks again for the kind words.

What’s going on with your health? If you don’t mind me asking

 

[nznity]

That makes me feel good thank you i wish we all could help each other we "all" need that push... were all only human.. and it should never be a problem when we fall, that just means we get back up and try again... its the way you learn how to do anything! The shit is no different... do what you gotta do only you know the right path for yourself.. we all do deep inside we all do stay safe most importantly

You're already helping me a lot by telling your story and showing support. Makes me not feel alone in this.
Cheers xx

 

[nznity]

What’s going on with your health? If you don’t mind me asking

Oh man,
I got ran over by a car which nearly killed me and left me both of my arms broken and my hip dislocated. It happened on my 26th bday, it would have been 2 simple surgeries but since covid was rampant back then they sent me home. Because of that and also cause my dad didn't take care of me properly, I nearly fucking died. When thry opened the cask on my left arm it started droppin blood and pus, they couldn't fix my arm till that infection was healed. But instead of healing the infection, it passed onto my blood becoming a bad case of sepsis along with candida( fungus in your stomach) and a uti. I was rushed to emergency in November 2020 weighing 50kg with 5 infections simultaneously, super weak in a hospital full of covid. I didn't contract covid but still idk how I fkn survived. I also developed a bedsore that ended up getting infected too and turned into a bleeding infected ulcer. Jeez, the pain was unfuckingbearable. I really don't know how I'm still alive but since then I can't fkn walk and I need at least 5 surgeries to get back to somewhat normal and a shit ton of physiotherapy. It's gonna take a good 2 years to get back on my feet but this whole experience is being super mystical and a Spiritual quest for me( at least it's how I see it). There is hope after all, I'm hanging in. The battle hasn't ended yet.

 

[Uknowit4now]

Oh man,
I got ran over by a car which nearly killed me and left me both of my arms broken and my hip dislocated. It happened on my 26th bday, it would have been 2 simple surgeries but since covid was rampant back then they sent me home. Because of that and also cause my dad didn't take care of me properly, I nearly fucking died. When thry opened the cask on my left arm it started droppin blood and pus, they couldn't fix my arm till that infection was healed. But instead of healing the infection, it passed onto my blood becoming a bad case of sepsis along with candida( fungus in your stomach) and a uti. I was rushed to emergency in November 2020 weighing 50kg with 5 infections simultaneously, super weak in a hospital full of covid. I didn't contract covid but still idk how I fkn survived. I also developed a bedsore that ended up getting infected too and turned into a bleeding infected ulcer. Jeez, the pain was unfuckingbearable. I really don't know how I'm still alive but since then I can't fkn walk and I need at least 5 surgeries to get back to somewhat normal and a shit ton of physiotherapy. It's gonna take a good 2 years to get back on my feet but this whole experience is being super mystical and a Spiritual quest for me( at least it's how I see it). There is hope after all, I'm hanging in. The battle hasn't ended yet.

Your going fight this battle and win my friend
Its amazing how we can survive this shit but dammm you have and you will!