Lightning-Nl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2012
- Messages
- 1,245
I'm in a bad way and I have no way out. I need to provide some background info for you to really understand...
I don't know where to start to be honest. I realized about 4 months ago that my whole life has been one big dissociated/depersonalized mess, but I didn't know how extensive the damage was until recently. I'm diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know I have it, I have all the symptoms, but I can't remember anything traumatic ever happening!
My childhood is very blurry. I don't remember most of it. However, the little I do remember makes me believe that I had a good childhood! I was loved by my parents, but for some reason there is a huge black-hole when it comes to my memory. Even though the things I remember are good and only some bad, whenever I think about my childhood, I get a really intense feeling of dread. I start to feel very anxious and I become very dissociated. I feel like I was trapped my entire childhood and that there was no way out.
Dissociation is becoming an immense issue for me. I realized a while back that I've always had Dissociation symptoms. Teachers used to always complain to my parents that I was "day-dreaming." I have a horrible memory. I forget literally everything. I have a total lack of sense for time, hours can pass and I have no idea.
Especially when I was a little kid (but still occasionally) I would have horrible nightmares all the time. In fact, I wouldn't even call it nightmares anymore as that implies I was dreaming. No, these were more consistent of symptoms seen in Schizophrenic patients. I would see (what I called) ghosts all the time. People that weren't there, faces that weren't there. I'd hear people getting angry at me and yelling at me all the time, especially in the middle of the night. I would wake up and be so scared of being alone that I'd have panic attacks.
The above hasn't stopped either. This has been happening ever since I can remember. I'm terrified of night. I literally feel like I'm being stalked at night. I hear people that aren't there all the time, I see human faces EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING! The worst part is, they're never happy faces. They always have a malicious look on their faces. But by far the worst part is their eyes.
Their eyes are totally white and pulsate from white to black in rapid succession. The best way I can describe it is the Dead Marshes scene from The Lord Of The Rings.
I get impulsively angry a lot. For some reason I can just snap and as soon as that happens, I become a superhuman. Even my explanation can't do it justice. I have strength that I can't even explain and I literally cannot feel pain. I've gotten so angry for no reason before that I've taken apart walls. I just tear through it, board by board. I literally destroy my hands, cutting them up on the nails in the wall and splinters in the wood, but I don't care. I destroy it until nothing is left.
I always talk to myself, like I'm having a conversation with another person. I get angry at myself, pacing around, racing thoughts. I do this all the time. It's like there's someone else I have to consult.
I also used to sleepwalk all the time when I was a little kid. My parents would tell me all the time how I would get out of bed and "not be myself." Like, I would say weird things or do something that wasn't really "me". Then I would just walk back to my bed and go to sleep, like nothing happened. I also remember waking up in really odd places. Like I'd be downstair sleeping on my couch for no reason or I'd wake up but I would just be sitting on the edge of my bed.
I remember there being a lot of things I couldn't explain. Like unexplained bruises and pain. Like I used to get bad stomach aches all the time and have incredibly painful headaches and pain in my knees. I got tested at doctors many times, but they couldn't ever explain any of it. Eventually, I got so used to the phenomena of doing and saying things that I don't remember, that I would just tell my parents "Well, it must of been Zeke 2." I didn't give any thought to what that meant at the time, but it's quite significant now that I'm realizing just how deep this goes.
The scariest part was when I would get sleep paralysis.
I would wake up. I would know I was awake, but I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't move at all. Sometimes when this would happen, I would actually see myself laying in my bed, almost like I was looking down on myself. I would hear evil voices around me, but there was no escape from it. As soon as this would end, I'd wake up crying and be in a state of total panic. I'd yell for help but most of the time, my parents would hear me. Eventually, I started doing this so often that they got angry at me.
Eventually, all of this got better as I got older, but the faces never went away and neither did the being terrified at night.. But then almost three years ago, all of my symptoms resurfaced. Everything came back and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer able to function at all. I started having frequent panic attacks, flashbacks, delusions, paranoia. It got to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed anymore.
When I was prescribed Adderall that changed my life, I was able to function again......for a while. But then everything just came back and I was tried on so many medications. None of which did anything. Ativan really lessens a lot of the symptoms, but my parents refuse to give me my medications! I have to argue with them for hours, literally begging them to give me my meds.
Anyways, that was describing all the symptoms I've had in the past, but I'm making this thread because for the past couple of days my symptoms have escalated so much, I don't know what to do!
This morning when I woke up, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've had in years, but I had paralysis for the first time in years (that I remember anyways). But something terrifying happened I'm in tears about. While I was paralyzed when I woke up, I completely lost control of my body. I started moving but couldn't feel any of it, my vision started getting really blurry and looked like static on a TV. This was scary enough, but then I heard someone start talking, I didn't realize it at first, but it was actually coming from my mouth. I don't remember exactly what they said but they threatened to kill me. What they said was something very long, but I do remember the last sentence which was "Zeke, I'm going to kill you."
I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I can't go to my parents, they won't do anything about it. And I can't stop myself from having this happened again! I have no control, I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm hurt and now people are talking to me through my own body.
Please help me.
I don't know where to start to be honest. I realized about 4 months ago that my whole life has been one big dissociated/depersonalized mess, but I didn't know how extensive the damage was until recently. I'm diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know I have it, I have all the symptoms, but I can't remember anything traumatic ever happening!
My childhood is very blurry. I don't remember most of it. However, the little I do remember makes me believe that I had a good childhood! I was loved by my parents, but for some reason there is a huge black-hole when it comes to my memory. Even though the things I remember are good and only some bad, whenever I think about my childhood, I get a really intense feeling of dread. I start to feel very anxious and I become very dissociated. I feel like I was trapped my entire childhood and that there was no way out.
Dissociation is becoming an immense issue for me. I realized a while back that I've always had Dissociation symptoms. Teachers used to always complain to my parents that I was "day-dreaming." I have a horrible memory. I forget literally everything. I have a total lack of sense for time, hours can pass and I have no idea.
Especially when I was a little kid (but still occasionally) I would have horrible nightmares all the time. In fact, I wouldn't even call it nightmares anymore as that implies I was dreaming. No, these were more consistent of symptoms seen in Schizophrenic patients. I would see (what I called) ghosts all the time. People that weren't there, faces that weren't there. I'd hear people getting angry at me and yelling at me all the time, especially in the middle of the night. I would wake up and be so scared of being alone that I'd have panic attacks.
The above hasn't stopped either. This has been happening ever since I can remember. I'm terrified of night. I literally feel like I'm being stalked at night. I hear people that aren't there all the time, I see human faces EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING! The worst part is, they're never happy faces. They always have a malicious look on their faces. But by far the worst part is their eyes.
Their eyes are totally white and pulsate from white to black in rapid succession. The best way I can describe it is the Dead Marshes scene from The Lord Of The Rings.
I get impulsively angry a lot. For some reason I can just snap and as soon as that happens, I become a superhuman. Even my explanation can't do it justice. I have strength that I can't even explain and I literally cannot feel pain. I've gotten so angry for no reason before that I've taken apart walls. I just tear through it, board by board. I literally destroy my hands, cutting them up on the nails in the wall and splinters in the wood, but I don't care. I destroy it until nothing is left.
I always talk to myself, like I'm having a conversation with another person. I get angry at myself, pacing around, racing thoughts. I do this all the time. It's like there's someone else I have to consult.
I also used to sleepwalk all the time when I was a little kid. My parents would tell me all the time how I would get out of bed and "not be myself." Like, I would say weird things or do something that wasn't really "me". Then I would just walk back to my bed and go to sleep, like nothing happened. I also remember waking up in really odd places. Like I'd be downstair sleeping on my couch for no reason or I'd wake up but I would just be sitting on the edge of my bed.
I remember there being a lot of things I couldn't explain. Like unexplained bruises and pain. Like I used to get bad stomach aches all the time and have incredibly painful headaches and pain in my knees. I got tested at doctors many times, but they couldn't ever explain any of it. Eventually, I got so used to the phenomena of doing and saying things that I don't remember, that I would just tell my parents "Well, it must of been Zeke 2." I didn't give any thought to what that meant at the time, but it's quite significant now that I'm realizing just how deep this goes.
The scariest part was when I would get sleep paralysis.
I would wake up. I would know I was awake, but I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't move at all. Sometimes when this would happen, I would actually see myself laying in my bed, almost like I was looking down on myself. I would hear evil voices around me, but there was no escape from it. As soon as this would end, I'd wake up crying and be in a state of total panic. I'd yell for help but most of the time, my parents would hear me. Eventually, I started doing this so often that they got angry at me.
Eventually, all of this got better as I got older, but the faces never went away and neither did the being terrified at night.. But then almost three years ago, all of my symptoms resurfaced. Everything came back and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer able to function at all. I started having frequent panic attacks, flashbacks, delusions, paranoia. It got to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed anymore.
When I was prescribed Adderall that changed my life, I was able to function again......for a while. But then everything just came back and I was tried on so many medications. None of which did anything. Ativan really lessens a lot of the symptoms, but my parents refuse to give me my medications! I have to argue with them for hours, literally begging them to give me my meds.
Anyways, that was describing all the symptoms I've had in the past, but I'm making this thread because for the past couple of days my symptoms have escalated so much, I don't know what to do!
This morning when I woke up, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've had in years, but I had paralysis for the first time in years (that I remember anyways). But something terrifying happened I'm in tears about. While I was paralyzed when I woke up, I completely lost control of my body. I started moving but couldn't feel any of it, my vision started getting really blurry and looked like static on a TV. This was scary enough, but then I heard someone start talking, I didn't realize it at first, but it was actually coming from my mouth. I don't remember exactly what they said but they threatened to kill me. What they said was something very long, but I do remember the last sentence which was "Zeke, I'm going to kill you."
I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I can't go to my parents, they won't do anything about it. And I can't stop myself from having this happened again! I have no control, I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm hurt and now people are talking to me through my own body.
Please help me.
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