TDS I'm in real trouble. There's no way out. Someone threatened to kill me...

Lightning-Nl

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Nov 11, 2012
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I'm in a bad way and I have no way out. I need to provide some background info for you to really understand...

I don't know where to start to be honest. I realized about 4 months ago that my whole life has been one big dissociated/depersonalized mess, but I didn't know how extensive the damage was until recently. I'm diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I know I have it, I have all the symptoms, but I can't remember anything traumatic ever happening!

My childhood is very blurry. I don't remember most of it. However, the little I do remember makes me believe that I had a good childhood! I was loved by my parents, but for some reason there is a huge black-hole when it comes to my memory. Even though the things I remember are good and only some bad, whenever I think about my childhood, I get a really intense feeling of dread. I start to feel very anxious and I become very dissociated. I feel like I was trapped my entire childhood and that there was no way out.

Dissociation is becoming an immense issue for me. I realized a while back that I've always had Dissociation symptoms. Teachers used to always complain to my parents that I was "day-dreaming." I have a horrible memory. I forget literally everything. I have a total lack of sense for time, hours can pass and I have no idea.

Especially when I was a little kid (but still occasionally) I would have horrible nightmares all the time. In fact, I wouldn't even call it nightmares anymore as that implies I was dreaming. No, these were more consistent of symptoms seen in Schizophrenic patients. I would see (what I called) ghosts all the time. People that weren't there, faces that weren't there. I'd hear people getting angry at me and yelling at me all the time, especially in the middle of the night. I would wake up and be so scared of being alone that I'd have panic attacks.

The above hasn't stopped either. This has been happening ever since I can remember. I'm terrified of night. I literally feel like I'm being stalked at night. I hear people that aren't there all the time, I see human faces EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING! The worst part is, they're never happy faces. They always have a malicious look on their faces. But by far the worst part is their eyes.

Their eyes are totally white and pulsate from white to black in rapid succession. The best way I can describe it is the Dead Marshes scene from The Lord Of The Rings.

I get impulsively angry a lot. For some reason I can just snap and as soon as that happens, I become a superhuman. Even my explanation can't do it justice. I have strength that I can't even explain and I literally cannot feel pain. I've gotten so angry for no reason before that I've taken apart walls. I just tear through it, board by board. I literally destroy my hands, cutting them up on the nails in the wall and splinters in the wood, but I don't care. I destroy it until nothing is left.

I always talk to myself, like I'm having a conversation with another person. I get angry at myself, pacing around, racing thoughts. I do this all the time. It's like there's someone else I have to consult.

I also used to sleepwalk all the time when I was a little kid. My parents would tell me all the time how I would get out of bed and "not be myself." Like, I would say weird things or do something that wasn't really "me". Then I would just walk back to my bed and go to sleep, like nothing happened. I also remember waking up in really odd places. Like I'd be downstair sleeping on my couch for no reason or I'd wake up but I would just be sitting on the edge of my bed.

I remember there being a lot of things I couldn't explain. Like unexplained bruises and pain. Like I used to get bad stomach aches all the time and have incredibly painful headaches and pain in my knees. I got tested at doctors many times, but they couldn't ever explain any of it. Eventually, I got so used to the phenomena of doing and saying things that I don't remember, that I would just tell my parents "Well, it must of been Zeke 2." I didn't give any thought to what that meant at the time, but it's quite significant now that I'm realizing just how deep this goes.

The scariest part was when I would get sleep paralysis.

I would wake up. I would know I was awake, but I couldn't open my eyes and I couldn't move at all. Sometimes when this would happen, I would actually see myself laying in my bed, almost like I was looking down on myself. I would hear evil voices around me, but there was no escape from it. As soon as this would end, I'd wake up crying and be in a state of total panic. I'd yell for help but most of the time, my parents would hear me. Eventually, I started doing this so often that they got angry at me.

Eventually, all of this got better as I got older, but the faces never went away and neither did the being terrified at night.. But then almost three years ago, all of my symptoms resurfaced. Everything came back and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer able to function at all. I started having frequent panic attacks, flashbacks, delusions, paranoia. It got to the point that I couldn't even get out of bed anymore.

When I was prescribed Adderall that changed my life, I was able to function again......for a while. But then everything just came back and I was tried on so many medications. None of which did anything. Ativan really lessens a lot of the symptoms, but my parents refuse to give me my medications! I have to argue with them for hours, literally begging them to give me my meds.

Anyways, that was describing all the symptoms I've had in the past, but I'm making this thread because for the past couple of days my symptoms have escalated so much, I don't know what to do!

This morning when I woke up, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've had in years, but I had paralysis for the first time in years (that I remember anyways). But something terrifying happened I'm in tears about. While I was paralyzed when I woke up, I completely lost control of my body. I started moving but couldn't feel any of it, my vision started getting really blurry and looked like static on a TV. This was scary enough, but then I heard someone start talking, I didn't realize it at first, but it was actually coming from my mouth. I don't remember exactly what they said but they threatened to kill me. What they said was something very long, but I do remember the last sentence which was "Zeke, I'm going to kill you."

I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I can't go to my parents, they won't do anything about it. And I can't stop myself from having this happened again! I have no control, I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm hurt and now people are talking to me through my own body.

Please help me.
 
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i don't remember my childhood much either but it sounds like your having hallucinations and trust me they can seem very real but just ignore them and you'll do just fine
 
^^ I don't know if I'd say "just ignore them and you'll do just fine".


swampfox, it sounds like you may have some sort of schizophrenia or another similar psychological disorder. I am definitely not a medical expert, so I could be wrong, but hallucinations of this sort are no where near "normal". Especially if it's been happening since childhood, before any extensive drug use.

First off, calm down. No one is trying to kill you. You had some sort of night terror/sleep paralysis episode/hallucination.

Second, please see a psychiatrist and be honest about all the symptoms you have had, as a child up until recently. It sounds like you have some sort of psych disorder that desperately needs to be treated.

Third, consider seeing a hypnotherapist and trying to find out what sort of trauma in your childhood you may have blocked out of your memory.
Amnesia is a common side effect of traumatic events, the memory is harmful and detrimental and your brain reacts by blocking easy access to it, but it still exists somewhere deep in your mind.

Fourth, the "zeke" reference can easily be explained by your subconscious being interconnected with itself at various points in your life. You subconsciously told you parents something about "zeke", and you had a dream/hallucination that referenced "zeke" because it was already in your head. I have had dreams in the last year or two with references from a specific dream i had when i was 7-8 years old. (21 now) As well as dreams that referenced something specific that happened in my life when I was that young. So don't let this freak you out.


I wish you the best!
 
that sounds really fucked up and terrible

unfortunately I have never even heard of stuff like that happening to someone continously, I hope you find out what the fuck is wrong
 
Oh my god man I've seen you around on BL I had no idea you were going through such things. My cousin had schizophrenia, when I used to be with him he woul sometimes hear voices, but he would remember that they aren't real and they can't physically harm him, he would go to his happy place and focus on his better thoughts.

Man I'm sure no one is trying to kill you, if you can't talk to your parents I sure hope you have a friend or another family member, even a neighbor just talk to friends Zeke I'm absolutely confident that there are a lot of people that care for you out there, like I'm some random that has seen a few posts and seen a slight side of your personality, saw your name on this I thought oh I hope he's alright! I wonder what the people who actually know you think about you man like don't be afraid at all to speak up at least on here happy to try and help if I can send me a PM if you need. :)
 
Damn swampfox so sorry to hear your troubles.

I'm not trying to offend you but I would like ask you if you are doing any drugs that would make you paranoid and bug out?
If not would you consider going to a psychiatrist? I would start there and tell them what's going on. If you are put on the right medications and go to therapy sessions at least weekly if you can, you should be able to get out of this situation.

Maybe someone with more understanding of this can add in a few helpful tips, I truly hope that everything works out for you and that you get better soon. No one deserves to live like that.
 
Second, please see a psychiatrist and be honest about all the symptoms you have had, as a child up until recently. It sounds like you have some sort of psych disorder that desperately needs to be treated.

This... Although I'm not a dr either what you're describing sounds like schizophrenia. How old are you, and are you currently doing drugs? You need to get some decent psych treatment even if it means voluntarily committing yourself IMO. Your parents sound like they have some serious denial as to the severity of your condition, and well frankly sound neglectful. If you do indeed have a type of schizophrenia that's not something that just goes away. And I'm not saying that to scare you, but it is something that you must be proactive about treating.
 
I'm 17. I'm already diagnosed with many things (check my profile). I do not do any recreational drugs. I have in the past, but everything I'm on is prescribe. Every 4 months or so I'll smoke some weed, and when possible, I'll get some codeine, hydrocodone, or oxycodone. But that's even rarer than me smoking pot. Also, I've been asked if I've ever done any sort of hallucinogen. I haven't. I've been offered mushrooms before and declined. I've been offered LSD before (it was probably 2C-something though) and declined. I've also stayed away from the clandestine stimulants. I've been offered Cocaine before, which again, I declined.

I was going to have a panic attack last night near the time I posted this thread and fortunately, I was able to stop it. However it took a couple milligrams of Ativan and 20MG's of Ambien to ensure that. I'm feeling a little bit better today, but I'm still really scared and don't know what I should do....
 
Your post describes, almost to a "T," the experience of one of the patients with early adulthood-onset schizotypy. Let me say this: I am not a doctor, and I am not diagnosing you.

However, I think that the extent of the problems you are describing is beyond the scope of what this community may be able to offer you. As you have no doubt read above, most responses you will get will be to the tune of seeking professional assistance. I urge you to do so. Print out this post and bring it with you; that way, you will have the honest truth, written by yourself, that can then be evaluated by a professional who is qualified to treat your symptoms.

The pathology of PTSD is common in those with schizotypy but without a clear, causative history of trauma.
 
PTSD sufferers like myself are able to block out trauma - for some reason it is "harder" to not do this when you are young.

From what my mind likes to remember I have had a great life and I wouldn't trade it for any other.

You actually remember the past though. So it's best to keep your conscious focus in the now and live in the now.

Everyone else had great advice as well.
 
The sleep stuff sounds like anxiety, i went thrw the night terrors during my late teens, which happened to be at a time when i was having frequent panic attacks and so on....once i learned to over come the anxiety all the night terrors, and sleep paralysis stopped.. and every once in a while when im stressing or anxious ill get those night symptoms
 
I'm 17. I'm already diagnosed with many things (check my profile). I do not do any recreational drugs. I have in the past, but everything I'm on is prescribe. Every 4 months or so I'll smoke some weed, and when possible, I'll get some codeine, hydrocodone, or oxycodone. But that's even rarer than me smoking pot. Also, I've been asked if I've ever done any sort of hallucinogen. I haven't. I've been offered mushrooms before and declined. I've been offered LSD before (it was probably 2C-something though) and declined. I've also stayed away from the clandestine stimulants. I've been offered Cocaine before, which again, I declined.

I was going to have a panic attack last night near the time I posted this thread and fortunately, I was able to stop it. However it took a couple milligrams of Ativan and 20MG's of Ambien to ensure that. I'm feeling a little bit better today, but I'm still really scared and don't know what I should do....

what prescribed medications are you currently taking and in what dosages?

...kytnism...:|
 
I'm feeling a little bit better today, but I'm still really scared and don't know what I should do....


If you are comfortable with it you should go make an appointment with a psychiatrist & when you have your appointment set up tell the doctor exactly what's going on with you. By doing this the psychiatrist can put you on proper medication possibly along with therapy. Do you think this is something you can go through with? I believe that it can only help you figure out what's wrong with you.
 
Swamp...what you are describing has a lot in common with psychosis...and like the others have said, that psychosis could be related to being schizophrenic..it sounds a lot like it. I would definitely get in to see a doc and describe to them exactly like you have described to us.

Good luck
 
Hey swamp<3.. I personally dont think you have schizophrenia at all I would suggest you look through this link. Fear-Induced Hallucination: How Sleep Paralysis Triggers Hallucination and I do realize that you were not paralized but it seems to me that even though you were able to move the transition from wake and sleep was not compllete. Here is a link on sleep paralysis.

You are in no danger as the experience you had was generated in your own brain and even if they are real they cant hurt us here. :)
 
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what prescribed medications are you currently taking and in what dosages?

...kytnism...:|

Fair enough, you caught me.

I take more than I'm supposed to of my Ativan and Ambien every other day or so. However, I never take more of the Vyvanse (I very rarely do this and if I do take more Vyvanse, I dump the powder out of the capsule and only take 1/3 or less.) With that being said, however - the doses of Ativan and Ambien I'm prescribed at the current time are no longer effective. They work......barely. Not enough to get me to sleep/not enough to eliminate my anxiety completely.

To be fair though, my anxiety is many times worse without the medication. I know this for a fact as I just had to go a little over a month without the medication due to the fact I'm switching psychiatrists. I shouldn't be taking more of my meds - I know. But I'm not sure there's another option (at the moment) when I'm near panic most every night.

I am planning on addressing everything in this thread with my therapist tomorrow. The psychotic symptoms/symptoms of DID, the non-effective doses of my meds (not that he can do anything about it, but it's good for him to know too) and other things. I'm hoping he can help me sort out some of this new-found anxiety tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I don't see a psychiatrist a couple weeks. I'm switching psychiatrists and the new person I'm seeing doesn't have an opening until the 4th of November. I'm quite worried about this because I'm going to run out of meds before I get to talk to them and the fact that I know I'm going to have severe anxiety..........gives me severe anxiety. I can't go to an ER to get them filled, it's too expensive. I can't go to my PDOC because she said she can only fill them once in a situation like this (which is how I got them filled a couple weeks ago).

Like always....I'm stuck between an option that sucks and an option that sucks more.
 
Hey swamp<3.. I personally dont think you have schizophrenia at all I would suggest you look through this link. Fear-Induced Hallucination: How Sleep Paralysis Triggers Hallucination and I do realize that you were not paralized but it seems to me that even though you were able to move the transition from wake and sleep was not compllete. Here is a link on sleep paralysis.

You are in no danger as the experience you had was generated in your own brain and even if they are real they cant hurt us here. :)

Ummm, you're not able to move during sleep paralysis much less tear apart walls and talk to yourself...
 
Hey swamp<3.. I personally dont think you have schizophrenia at all I would suggest you look through this link. Fear-Induced Hallucination: How Sleep Paralysis Triggers Hallucination and I do realize that you were not paralized but it seems to me that even though you were able to move the transition from wake and sleep was not compllete. Here is a link on sleep paralysis.

You are in no danger as the experience you had was generated in your own brain and even if they are real they cant hurt us here. :)


There a few different things going on here nutty... the one I addressed id the reason that he experienced the incident mentioned here. Kinda easy to jump on me nutty if I irritated you please PM me and we can work it out.

This morning when I woke up, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've had in years, but I had paralysis for the first time in years (that I remember anyways). But something terrifying happened I'm in tears about. While I was paralyzed when I woke up, I completely lost control of my body. I started moving but couldn't feel any of it, my vision started getting really blurry and looked like static on a TV. This was scary enough, but then I heard someone start talking, I didn't realize it at first, but it was actually coming from my mouth. I don't remember exactly what they said but they threatened to kill me. What they said was something very long, but I do remember the last sentence which was "Zeke, I'm going to kill you."

I'm so scared right now. I don't know what to do. I can't go to my parents, they won't do anything about it. And I can't stop myself from having this happened again! I have no control, I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm hurt and now people are talking to me through my own body.

Ummm, you're not able to move during sleep paralysis much less tear apart walls and talk to yourself...
I have had sleep paralysis and sleep walk and talk and drive (got pulled over going well well well well over 100 mph in only my pj bottoms and it was like coming out of a dream).. even had a time where I was able to speak fluent Spanish with a native Spanish speaking friend while sleep walking.. and my grasp of spanish is at a level that is is functional in a vacation where do I find the beach type thing.. I have also woken up to entire meals cooked, partially eaten, and perfectly wrapped up and put tin the fridge.. with one of them I must have decided to make tacos.. cut lettuce, tomatoes, avocados, onions, cooked off and seasoned shrimp, etc etc.. so there is definitely different levels of waking and sleep.. I also had a twenty minute or so conversation with my lady at the time.. don't know what we talked about because she just smiled a huge grin when i asked.. Must have been something good but she never did tell me what.
 
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Dissociation is becoming an immense issue for me. I realized a while back that I've always had Dissociation symptoms. Teachers used to always complain to my parents that I was "day-dreaming." I have a horrible memory. I forget literally everything. I have a total lack of sense for time, hours can pass and I have no idea.

The above hasn't stopped either. This has been happening ever since I can remember. I'm terrified of night. I literally feel like I'm being stalked at night. I hear people that aren't there all the time, I see human faces EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING! The worst part is, they're never happy faces. They always have a malicious look on their faces. But by far the worst part is their eyes.

I get impulsively angry a lot. For some reason I can just snap and as soon as that happens, I become a superhuman. Even my explanation can't do it justice. I have strength that I can't even explain and I literally cannot feel pain. I've gotten so angry for no reason before that I've taken apart walls. I just tear through it, board by board. I literally destroy my hands, cutting them up on the nails in the wall and splinters in the wood, but I don't care. I destroy it until nothing is left.

I always talk to myself, like I'm having a conversation with another person. I get angry at myself, pacing around, racing thoughts. I do this all the time. It's like there's someone else I have to consult.

Sleep paralysis aside, all of those are consistent with some type of schizophrenia. And in all of those examples it sounds like the op was awake... I'm not saying they don't have sleep paralysis, or even without a doubt they have schizophrenia because I'm not a doctor, but I certainly would NOT rule it out.
 
Everything I read and hear tells me I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

But, I don't want that! I don't want DID! The idea of someone else living inside my head scares the crap out of me! I'm really trying to find any other alternative here, but there isn't something better. The other people I've experienced (that may be a part of me), I can't even prove are real. I've only ever been able to talk to my subconscious indirectly and doing so usually just brings on a lot of pain and misery for a couple weeks....

Another, quite odd thing is the fact that I project consciousness onto objects and maybe that's normal human behavior, but it goes way beyond normal in my opinion. My blanket I've had ever since I can remember - I gave him a name, I address him as "he" not it, and I take his feelings into account when doing something. I try everything I can to make sure he's not afraid. If I know I've left him in my basement or something (and it's the middle of the night) I go rescue him. And even though it scares the crap out of me to go down there at something like 2 AM, I do it to protect him. I know he's not "alive" but I still do everything to make sure he's safe.......because, to me....I guess he sort of "is" alive.

I also have conversations with him a lot. I guess it's more like I'm "thinking out loud" but it's not like I'm thinking. I'll ask him a question and then I'll respond to it by whispering his answer under my breath. It's a lot like I'm having a conversation with myself. A better way to think of it is I'll ask myself something like "What is your favorite color?" and then I'll respond to myself by saying "Blue."

I also get attached to things that are really silly. Like I'll be out to lunch to eat or something and I'll pick out a sandwich and as I'm going to ring it up, I start feeling "the sandwiches" emotions. I can literally almost hear it talking to me saying something like "Please don't eat me!" so I'll feel really bad and then I'll go and sort through a thing of 20 damn sandwiches just so I can find the one that I feel the least bad for! It's ridiculous!!!

Anyways, I'm not sure how any of that contributes to the thread, but I felt compelled to write it.
 
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