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I'm gonna glue myself to this forum until I've kicked heroin

"When everything seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top". I wish you the best of luck! Stay strong! <3
 
I'm still counting the 9 days without heroin thing though. The done ended up not doing much for my withdrawals, so my guilt over taking it once I realized that it wasn't going to make me nod or anything at least, kind of started to go away after a while. I realized I was being too hard on myself again when I realized that I had the option to relapse on heroin in order to end the misery as well, and I still managed to avoid that temptation. So I think I'm still going to use the 10th as my "official" clean date, after all it's not like I was trying to get high, if anything that's what I wanted to avoid... I was just trying to give myself a break from the pain... so yeah sure it's still a relapse technically, but not a "real" one... if that makes sense? So... 9 days no heroin/back to 0 days no opiates in general, lol.
 
lol i gotcha...

My psychiatrist and I both agree that even though I am on 110mg Methadone, I am living sober (bar a joint or a line of blow now and then).

My shrink says that I have stopped the abuse aspect of my addiction, in that I no longer doctor shop, use heroin and I take all my meds as prescribed. He regards occasional lapses like I mentioned earlier as part of the human condition, like everyone has to do SOMETHING that they enjoy from time to time.
 
Thank you <3 I'm not beating myself up over it anymore, lol. I made too big a deal out of the fact that it was an opiate, but the word "relapse" is such an umbrella term... it can mean many different things to different people. I kind of feel it's up to the addict to determine whether something they've done constitutes a relapse or not, after all they're the only ones who know what their intentions were, whether they're purposely feeding their addiction, etc. So yeah, not a huge deal anymore. :)

every time you use an opiate you stimulate the receptors and thus greatly greatly increase the time it will take to break free
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So did I totally set myself back as far as acute withdrawals go? I was hoping I had been in withdrawal long enough for it to not totally reset it... but if not, it sounds like I would have been better off toughing it out. After all what was the point of taking a break from the pain if I just put myself back to day one of withdrawals? I'll just keep getting to the point where it becomes too much, and at some point I'm just going to have to accept the pain as a part of life for a while, without taking anything designed to give me a "break" from it... you know? Damn... oh well, too late. Not gonna beat myself up over it.
 
yeah.. you set yourself back.. but that ain't shit.. anything you take including lope sets you back.. one of the fuked thing about acutes is that it PUSHES SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO damn hard.. as hard as it ever will rite before it chokes turns belly up and DIES.. yeah, once you make it so far in and then it gets really bad.. take heart cause you are almost there!!!!!!!! and there is nothing more powerful than waking (yeah a little sleep is the shit) but waking up feeling better than you felt before you went to sleep.. ;)<3<3
 
Alright, that's good to know... it won't be fun, but at least I'll know to expect it, and I'm determined to make it through without any opiate help this time. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? If I can make it through the Marines (which involved some of the most painful memories of my life, pain that surpasses opiate withdrawal both physically AND mentally), I can totally make it through the rest of this process.

Plus, I'm starting to get back into producing again. And I'm looking forward to getting back into snowboarding. Making music and snowboarding are my two biggest passions in life, or at least they were before opiates came along... they were what motivated me, kept me going, gave me energy and passion, and made me happy for a long time. It's the only time in my life that I remember being happy sober, without ANY mind-altering substances... and now that I'm getting back into producing, I'm rediscovering the passion I used to have. I actually have goals again, real ones. And all of that is going to go a veryyy long way in getting me through this as long as I stay focused on what I want to ultimately accomplish as far as DJing/producing goes :)
 
I knew it.. a fellow snow rider.. I know warren miller,, but fuck that he started what we all watch every year.. shiot we seem to have quite a bit in common, though it i telli and alpine.. where do you ride?

or where have you?

edit marines>> holy shit..
 
xburtonchic said:
Because if I'm being honest, weed (after the Clonodine) is the main thing that's helping a lot of the physical symptoms and also letting me sleep, and it's the ONLY thing that helps some of the mental instability.
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I feel the exact same way. For me it mellows me out and calms my severe nausea. I jumped thurs off 4mg methadone and weed and klonopins are the only reason I've made it to 72 hours. I almost forget at times I'm actually detoxing off of methadone. Obsorb yourself in activities/hobbies/and going out right now. Determination and a good attitude is what has gotten me this far.<3
 
neversickanymore - sick vids! Now I'm extra extra stoked for the season! I ride mainly at Big Bear, but I also go to Mammoth and Mt. High every once in a while. Been to Whistler once which was legit. lol it's funny, I actually had a dream about snowboarding last night.... it was a fucking amazing feeling to ride again, even if it was only in my head... still felt hella real haha. You're lucky to live in CO, there are a lot of good resorts there but I never seem to be able to plan a trip correctly. One of these days I'm gonna make it to Vail and Telluride and Aspen.

EDIT: Laptop was dying so I had to post what I already had. Sorry.

portalfloyd - A good attitude, imo, is literally the one deciding factor between success and failure. I know tons of active users, and apparantly there was a couple day dry spell last week. They all knew they were gonna have to kick, and 90% of them went into it with horrible attitudes. I noticed a huge difference between those ones, and the ones who simply accepted what was going to happen to them as fact and nothing they could do about it so they might as well ride it out or just use the opportunity to get clean altogether. I even noticed a difference in severity of symptoms, the ones who were dreading it were focusing on how shitty they felt all the time, which in turn made them think they felt worse than they really did. It's insane how much of it is dependent on having a positive attitude.
 
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xburtonchic said:
portalfloyd - A good attitude, imo, is literally the one deciding factor between success and failure. I know tons of active users, and apparantly there was a couple day dry spell last week. They all knew they were gonna have to kick, and 90% of them went into it with horrible attitudes. I noticed a huge difference between those ones, and the ones who simply accepted what was going to happen to them as fact and nothing they could do about it so they might as well ride it out or just use the opportunity to get clean altogether. I even noticed a difference in severity of symptoms, the ones who were dreading it were focusing on how shitty they felt all the time, which in turn made them think they felt worse than they really did. It's insane how much of it is dependent on having a positive attitude.
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Absolutely. I think sometimes you just get that one lucky pass too with withdrawals, I've heard of it happening. It's hard to explain but it's like if you're mentally ready/prepared/ or have medications/on top of a good attitude and not wanting to use opiates or you DOC, you're golden. CT Heroin is absolute fucking hell (excuse my french) and I expected the same with methadone. How many days are you in?
 
xburtonchic said:
Generic - haha don't worry about the rant... I see what you mean. I guess it's just that after having a 2 year addiction to heroin/4+ year addiction to opiates, an addiction to weed is almost laughable. Weed has never caused me to break the law in pursuit of simply getting well, then sent me to jail where I then had to endure CT withdrawal in a hellish environment. And it's never affected my health in a negative way. It didn't isolate me from friends/family, or cause me to lose every single thing I loved about life in general. Heroin did all that... well, opioids/pharms started it kind of, but heroin finished the job. If weed is something that's going to help me stay away from heroin... eh, lesser of two evils and all that. I'm sure I'll re-evaluate smoking weed at some point as well, but if I'm being honest, I don't think it's going to happen until I feel sure I won't go look for heroin the second I'm 100% sober and get upset or something lol
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I hate being preachy and trying to tell people what to do, but this is the AA/NA stance and I heavily agree with it. I guess it is all opinion based but yeah. If you think about what addiction is from a mental health perspective I think it makes a ton of sense.

The opiate addiction changes everything. Using weed to "cure" the PAWS symptoms isn't a solution, it only makes the problem worse. Boredom, depression, anxiety, anger is a huge problem with PAWS, and weed use relieves that. By using another substance to mask your emotions and feelings you are not allowing yourself to recover mentally. You won't ever end up feeling better psychologically and will eventually give back in to heroin.

Ok sorry about that haha! Again I don't want to tell you what to do.. just sharing my experiences. I'll stop bugging you haha.

The vicodin is a setback, but I don't think the entire 8 days will be erased. Don't beat yourself up too much. Beating yourself up will only make you convince yourself that you failed and further drug use is ok. Stay strong!

Heavily agree with the recommendations to get out there and pursue hobbies. You seem very optimistic which is great.
 
haha yeah, I had one of those "lucky passes" the last time I went to jail. It was by no means easy, but it was easier than times in the past. AND it was 100% CT except for Maalox and Syrax the first 2 days.

not wanting to use opiates or you DOC, you're golden.
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Also, this x 100. Not wanting to use your DOC... I mean really, REALLY not wanting to use it, and being 100%... no, 110%... dedicated to getting through it is key. I never was able to succeed until that part of it truly turned on in my brain, and I finally "got it". I never understood what people meant by that when they'd say willpower wasn't enough and you had to actually WANT it... but now I do. Holy fuck do I get it now, and it has made THE difference. I've never made it this far before, not even in rehab, and here I am 10 days without heroin and I have no desire to use it ever again and it's all been on my own. I didn't even tell anyone that I was kicking, I just put on my big girl pants... hid the symptoms as best as I could and used the flu excuse when I couldn't... and made myself soldier through the worst of it. And the ONLY reason this time was different than other times is because of the complete 180 I made in regards to my attitude and how I feel about heroin/withdrawals in general. I realized there were only two real choices: either I'd be a pathetic heroin junkie the rest of my life living a miserable existence, or I'd accept that I was going to have to kick eventually if I truly wanted to put a stop to this, and better to do it now than somewhere farther down the line with a more severe addiction.

That, and the fact that I finally realized that although DXM is a beautiful, wonderful, highly spiritual drug when used in the right way (helps the withdrawals a lot too)... it's a drug I can't do anymore, because I know about it's potentiating effects, and that knowledge alone always leads me to heroin seeking behavior. I enjoy mixing the two a little too much. It's a loss, cuz I really appreciate the spiritual growth I've gotten from it, but there's always things like DMT for that haha. It's worth it if it means a lesser chance of relapse.

And I have 10 days without heroin, but I did take a small sip of methadone yesterday to help the withdrawals... I don't count it as a relapse though, 1. because it's the first time I've ever taken it in my life, 2. I wasn't taking it with the intention to get high, and 3. it didn't even take the withdrawals away anyway. I have no desire to ever drink that foul liquid again lol.
 
you're doing great.
be proud of yourself and try to sit with that good feeling.
if you stay clean from heroin all these beautiful moments will be part of your life.
it's an amazing life on the other side.
with or without weed.
 
thanks and I definitely am proud of myself... 10 days is officially further than I've ever gotten before!!! And this time, I don't have that sense of impending doom about being without my crutch. Instead I feel liberated, and passionate about life - on life's terms - once again. It's an amazing feeling simply for the fact that it's a feeling I honestly believed I'd never feel again. For a long time, as far as I was concerned, there was no life without opiates. Today as far as I'm concerned, there is no life WITH opiates. :)

Don't worry about the rants, Generic. Your opinion is welcome, even if we disagree on some points. It's good to see my situation from other perspectives from time to time. I just can't see using weed that way... I don't think it's hurting just because most of the time, I AM happy, even when I'm stone cold sober like I am right now. Sure, the PAWS still hits sometimes, but not as much as it was a few days ago. The weed doesn't seem to be having a negative effect on me mentally so I have a hard time seeing it as a bad thing...
 
xburtonchic said:
DXM is a beautiful, wonderful, highly spiritual drug when used in the right way (helps the withdrawals a lot too)...
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I've heard DXM does help with withdrawals, but in what way? I've used it before recreationally but never for withdrawals.

Honestly you sound like you're doing really well though. IMO if the weed helps, smoke. Were you on just heroin? 10 days seems like a long time to still be feeling withdrawals.
 
Yeah it was just heroin, but I used Suboxone the first 5 days... that's where the withdrawals are coming from. It sucks because I wasn't expecting them to be this bad considering I was on such a low dose for such a short amount of time... but I guess I should have known better seeing as it works on the same receptors/longer half life. Oh well, what can you do aside from tough it out, right? Life still goes on...

DXM helps with withdrawals because it's an opiate derivative. It acts on some of the opiate receptors, but I don't know specifically which one(s).

EDIT: Just looked it up to make sure... DXM is an analogue of morphine and it works on the kappa receptors... that's why it helps.
 
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