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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

happy bday jay!

i turned 24 on oct 10th!

and on a side note. after my drug stint. i HATE clubs now. it brings on a bad anxiety that reminds me of the days of doing coke in the bathroom. or something stupid like that. and if i were you. hit up some ginger ale. that shit is SO good. lol

peace bro
 
ginger ale for sure - thats my drink of choice wen i go to clubs now ;)
used to b CC and dry, now its just the dry without the CC :p
 
I really believe the opiate abuse has damaged my ability to experience great joy
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Its a law of physics that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. To me this is a perfect analogy for drug abuse. All the artificial happiness you've experienced through opiate abuse has deprived your nervous system of what it needs to feel normal, and you are paying the price.

However, as many people have said it does, slowly, get better. In time your brain will compensate for all the abuse you've put it through, and you will forget all the agony of withdrawl and addiction. All it takes is a desire to persevere through the bad times.

It is my belief that it is not so much the decisions you make early in your life that shape who you are, but what you learn from them. Hopefully you will come out of this a better, wiser person.
 
Thanks for the best wishes from everyone. So many of you have stomped your addictions out and spit on them. I disappoint myself on a daily basis. I'm so down. Twenty-eight years old and nothing to show for it, what I own could fit into one small suitcase. I think of suicide on a daily basis, I have no idea why I keep holding on. I sat and cried for a good hour when I got home from work tonight. I hate myself for being such a weak parasite. I'm not partaking in a self made pity party i'm simply tired really tired of fighting. I've chosen to be a loner because people have let me down everytime i've opened myself up to them. I'm really fucked up and lost right now and wish this panic and desperation would simmer down. I did this to me, nobody else did and I realize my destiny now.
 
Downwardplane said:
I'm overwhelmed by the compassion and thought expressed here by everyone. To see all these responses this morning makes me feel like i'm not in a neverending spiral of quicksand with no solution except to close my eyes.

Last night was a long one both in my thoughts and in time. I didn't sleep a whole lot. I found some refuge inside a bus terminal for a few hours. Wondering how I had officially arrived at my bottom. There is no silver lining, it is what it is. I didn't try and score, no energy to do so and no will. Reality has set in now. Feeling very sick at the moment. I threw up quite a few times last night. So many flashbacks of what was with Sharlene. Thinking of those times waking up together, smiling at one another. That's gone now, the sooner I can block those thoughts out the better my physic will be.

I know I don't want to live like this anymore. I've never been a religious man but I look upward hoping I have the courage to pull things together. So beaten down, so ashamed. I'm going to look in the yellow pages for treatment centres today. I hope there is room for one more lost soul at the inn.

Thanks again everyone. Your hope in me has brought tears to my eyes.

Jay
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if not, dont worry, there are still some free ways,.

firstly though your housing - go to our local citizens advice, go and ask about shelters.

never steal - consider that not an option because its not their fault you cant afford to score, that one you got to take on the chin.

there is a silver lining - you dont like percs anymore.
 
Downwardplane said:
Thanks for the best wishes from everyone. So many of you have stomped your addictions out and spit on them. I disappoint myself on a daily basis. I'm so down. Twenty-eight years old and nothing to show for it, what I own could fit into one small suitcase. I think of suicide on a daily basis, I have no idea why I keep holding on. I sat and cried for a good hour when I got home from work tonight. I hate myself for being such a weak parasite. I'm not partaking in a self made pity party i'm simply tired really tired of fighting. I've chosen to be a loner because people have let me down everytime i've opened myself up to them. I'm really fucked up and lost right now and wish this panic and desperation would simmer down. I did this to me, nobody else did and I realize my destiny now.
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We're a lot alike. I remain optimistic I will meet people eventually that will change my sadness. I started prozac and doing well in school. I know us addict's want to think nobody knows how we feel, but in truth we're a lot of the same. Growing up I was always alone as my parents never spent time with me. It fucked me up to where I enjoy being by myself more than other people. I am DEFINETELY a loner. I am trying to change it, and so are you. Sometimes I wonder if all these years of fighting can pay off someday or if I am just in vain. Keep trying man, convince yourself it's worth it to stay clean and get out there and meet people.

Something to think about I guess.
 
jay, u r going to hav plenty of downtimes in early recovery
but ull feel gd sometimes too
and those times will become more and more frequent as u stay clean
just continue to hang in there
wen evrything looks shitty thats wen its time to ring ur sponsor or get down on ur knees
things will look up :)
 
Hi, it's me the master of denial and the conqueror of nothing. I learned yesterday that a friend from my past had sold all his possessions and is now living in Thailand enrolled in Bible College. I often wonder what makes people do a complete 180 in life. I sense he was tired of being isolated and alone which would make his faith grow stronger. I've never been religious and had belief in a higher power. It's always been my belief that my destiny is in my own two hands. I'm not afraid to admit that i'm struggling beyond what I can take. I wish I could forget those images of the past and bury them and erase them from my conciousness. My need to alter my mindset with substances is always there tapping me on the shoulder. The meetings and steps have really lost their zest.

I desperately need something to live for, at this point it's so tough to continue. Something has to give to make me feel whole again.
 
I read through your thread and it was a lot like what I went through. Sadly I took a hell of a lot longer to get my footing into recovery.
Believe me when I say though that you will get to a point that you will find happiness Joy and life in general again. Honest
It took me a bit and I went through the part where I felt like what the hell do I have to live for i wasted so much of my life chasing drugs and living homeless and just surviving that well I had no chance (I am by the way a tad older than you so I really felt what a waste)
Please know that this is just one of the levels we go through and that you WILL find the next one a lot easier and the one after that even easier.
It took a heck of a long time to muck up pour lives we can not expect it to get all better over night.
Be happy with the things you have that are good and always remember that the tough times are temporary and a good always follows a bad.

Oh and Some one said that we do not feel Joy like we are supposed to once we get clean.
i think that is only partially true
i think what it is we do not KNOW what Joy really is and do not recognize it when it comes along. We have to relearn so much Many started their addiction in times they should have been learning life lessons so we have to actually relearn or even learn to begin with.
Just having a great support system (I have one hell of a counselor) can be all you need
Congratulations on the path you have decided to take and on the success of that path.
You can keep it going and do good things in your life. Just never give up.
 
Goes to show that you don't have to be taking huge amounts of any drug for it to really damage your life. I have a much higher tolerance yet haven't hit as far a low as you but your post is a wake up call and I know I need to start to change before i do hit bottom.
 
Downwardplane said:
I've never been religious and had belief in a higher power. It's always been my belief that my destiny is in my own two hands. I'm not afraid to admit that i'm struggling beyond what I can take.
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i was never religious (still rnt) or believed in a higher power till i got clean - and then it took me a gd 6 months to fully believe in that higher power
wat i did was i just woke up and prayed evry morning, and prayed evry night before bedtime and just.....let the words go into seemingly thin air
as i got better, i began to feel there really was something listening to me
i chat to my higher power fairly informally - its like 'hey man, had a shit day today......u saw me go off at my mum etc.......but thanks heaps for helping me not pick up'
thats all it takes
i encourage u to 'fake it till u make it'
chin up, jay, u can do it!
 
Good Evening my fellow bluelighters. It's been a long while since I've logged on. I take solace in all your comments, the good and the bad. I appreciate all your advice as it has always come with my best interests at heart. This is the first place where I felt comfortable taking off my shoes and staying awhile. I've been working diligently at seeing the positive side of life and how wonderful it can be. I'm still a recovering addict and know that it won't be a road without it's challenges. For the first time in my life I feel in control. While my job isn't enjoyable my frame of mind is. I've opened my heart up and have been paid back ten fold. Most importantly my relationship with myself has improved immeasurably. I accept my faults, realizing that nobody has gone through life with a perfect score. I hoist my glass to you all, Happy Holidays and I hope 2009 gives to you what you cherish most.

Jay
 
^^^

Glad to hear things are looking up Jay. I sure as hell hope 2009 is better then 08, mainly financially. lol I broke up with my GF on thanksgiving day. i kinda was tired of the entire situation, i felt the old me on opiates loved her. the sober me... not so much. however it is hard when you spent a year of your life with someone, i sometimes miss her, and the sex. lol

keep your attitude the way it is. that's the key in my opinion. NO ONE ON THIS EARTH is perfect, or has a perfect situation. you, me and everyone else isn't expected too either.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!
 
Downwardplane said:
Good Evening my fellow bluelighters. It's been a long while since I've logged on. I take solace in all your comments, the good and the bad. I appreciate all your advice as it has always come with my best interests at heart. This is the first place where I felt comfortable taking off my shoes and staying awhile. I've been working diligently at seeing the positive side of life and how wonderful it can be. I'm still a recovering addict and know that it won't be a road without it's challenges. For the first time in my life I feel in control. While my job isn't enjoyable my frame of mind is. I've opened my heart up and have been paid back ten fold. Most importantly my relationship with myself has improved immeasurably. I accept my faults, realizing that nobody has gone through life with a perfect score. I hoist my glass to you all, Happy Holidays and I hope 2009 gives to you what you cherish most.

Jay
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This post made me smile, cheers Jay.
 
Hey all, after a long absence i'm back. Was sorry to read of DW's troubles, she has been wonderful to so many of us here with her support and love. May your future days be more kind than the ones you've seen the last while.

I haven't had the courage to post lately as I relapsed on December 27th, 2008. During the holiday season I saw a friend that I had gone to university with. I chose not to tell him of my struggles over the last few months. He came over and to my surprise he had some oxy's on him. Before I could speak he had chopped up two 10's and did a couple rails. It was an out of body experience, I was there in person but was watching from a distance. I did three rails and was majorly gone and euphoric. The next day I woke up disappointed in what I had done. Thankfully my friend is now back in Vancouver and him being my only source has kept me away from my fatal attraction. I miss it though, still do even after all it's taken from me.
 
my troubles hav passed, jay - thank u for ur concern :)
dont b ashamed of ur relapse - thats the last thing thatll help u in ur recovery
relapse is part of recovery
hey it happens to most ex-addicts
the main thing is uve stopped again
gd on u for not continuing to go off and start using again cos u cud hav done - yes u say ur friend was ur only source but an addict can and will find their DOC wherever they go....were that determined!
how r u handling life now...........wat r u doing to keep urself out of danger?
u r always in my thoughts and prayers <3
 
I would like to apologize for not posting much the last while. The reason being I'm ashamed. I've relapsed and have had a hard time kicking it. I'm currently going to two meetings a day. I'm slowly tapering down, currently at 20 mg a day. I hope to dig myself out of this hole again. Thankfully I still have my job as my addiction hasn't fucked that up yet. I'm sorry for letting everyone down that has supported me in this thread. I promise to do the best I can to clean up the mess that is me.

Jay
 
^^^

Keep it up. Relapses are part of the process. Glad you are getting something out of the meetings. I never really got into them, but tried to make the most of them when I had to go.
 
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