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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

wright a book jay.

please! i hate reading. but it seems anything you put on paper ( or a computer screen) the articulation you use. its so fluid and its so powerful.

you could write about anything and i would read it. the migration of fire ants from one continent to the other. or about the loss of your deepest love.

lol

:-) smile man. and ohh yea. im taking a 10% cut from all the millions you will make from the book, cuz you know. i encouraged you to do it !!!!!!!!
 
glad ur going back to the meetings and r clean again jay
expect to b depressed for awhile - its part of being in early recovery
but hang in there
where theres a will theres a way
and enyays right
im not a big reader either but u write amazingly
 
Thanks for the nice things you all said. I would write a book Enyay if I was actually creative enough to do so. At the moment getting out of bed is as far off as I see.

On Wednesday September 17th I went to my Doctor to enquire about treating my depression. We discussed a series of medications and settled on Paxil. He feels 40 MG's a day is a good starting dose. I've been on it a week and haven't notice much of a difference besides being a little spaced out and drowsy. Perhaps the ones that realize they are mentally ill aren't so crazy afterall. It was time to a Doctor as killing myself made entirely too much sense. Still does to a certain degree but i'm ignoring the devil on my shoulder and trying to be a rational human with rational thoughts. I'm clean from alcohol and drugs for eighteen days now. I was so much more calm when self medicating than I am now. The hatred and anger I feel is boiling to my eyelids. The daily weight training sessions help to temporarily cease those thoughts but they return with a vengeance. I want someone to test me so I can crush them and pass on the pain that burns so deep. When I got off the subway today I saw graffiti that said "Positive things happen to positive people" That gave me a good chuckle. I wonder if there is a self help book out there with that title.

Been going to meetings three days a week for the past two weeks. I feel comfortable there. They're all types, the down out like me, the ones that have broken through and are on the way up the ladder. It's a cool vibe, I should've never slacked off on it. They're as real as life gets and I respect the hell out of them.
 
good on u, jay
i always enjoy reading ur updates
ur a trooper, mate
keep going the way ur going and u will survive
btw u think ur not 'creative' enough but u still express urself brilliantly, even at 18 days clean and feeling depressed (bloody well done on 18 days btw) so that shows a lot of promise
keep coming back - it works wen u work at it ;)
 
I have no doubt you feel hopeless Jay. I know the feeling of getting up every day and feeling pain the same as before when you're living simply to try and get through the day.

People change slowly. So slow that you wont recognize it on a daily basis. The best way to see change in a person is though a subjective outside view. And as someone who has followed your progress over the last few months I can say with confidence that you are heading in the right direction. The difference between you now and you a few months ago is huge. All you have to do is look at some of the other threads around here to know you are way ahead of the curve when it comes to recovery from opiate abuse. It may be hard to see from your perspective, but it is true.

You are a much stronger person that you give yourself credit.
 
DW and Care: Thanks for your support, you guys always tell it like it is and give me the straight deal. I really respect it.

Fenix: Thanks, I've only been going to meetings three days a week. I have to work on being self sufficent and by going more than that I feel like I lean on the people in group too much.

The last weeks at work have been tough. The economy has hit hard and brought many too it's knees. The sad reality is we're just getting started and we haven't seen the bottom yet. Stupidly I had invested what little money I had in what I thought were solid stocks with solid futures. To make a long story short i've lost over five thousand dollars on paper. I thought I was being prudent but not so. My client base at work has dwindled to nothing. People don't feel like working out when they're desperately trying to hold on to their home and job while they watch their investments hit the skids. My boss informed me that due to the slow down in clients that he was giving me reduced hours. My will is going to be tested with all it's mite. I've lost most of what I had saved and now my job. I'm quite scared and am going to do my best to ignore it. I won't let myself be homeless again, no damn way is that going to be a reality. Tomorrow my job will be to find one. Not sure what the prospects will be like but I can't pay my bills with a smile.

The Paxil isn't working in the least. I'm anxious in my head, everything is pushing me to my last nerve. Almost at 30 days in abstaining from booze and drugs. Craving is there when things get so depressing that I want to sit in my closet and cry. I'm going to be up early tomorrow as I've paid October's rent but don't have enough in my account to cover November. Will pound the pavement until someone hires the darkest bluest man with the bright smile.
 
I'm not feeling worthy of breathing lately. The last few days I've been dropping off resumes at prospective employers. As of this moment i'm unemployed, it's humbling and cripples my pride. I'm not very far in this thing, sober living is almost impossible at times like this. My mind is busy with so many thoughts. I went to a meeting tonight. So many strong people that are making it. Seeing that makes me want to keep trying so I can enjoy life like they are.

So nervous tomorrow i'm going to be meeting with my Dad in about the first time in five months, since everything happened. Will be an emotional day for me. Hope everyone is having an enjoyable weekend.
 
JAY!!!!

I have been off the suboxone for 5 days now :) the withdrawals are crippling. literally. i haven not slept in something like 4 nights. and im SEVERELY depressed. but im putting on the ever so fake smile you spoke about in earlier posts.

i completely understand your stance now.

i wish you the best of luck with your father, i REALLY think that's the first stages of you mending your relationships and happiness.

i literally feel like a pile of dog shit..... once you stop the drugs is when you realize HOW high you actually were. and what it feels like to be back on the ground. i don't like it here. the people don't like me down here.

=/

let us know how it goes with your pops
 
I have not been keepin up with this thread of late, but from when I last read it you seem to be doing a HELL of a lot better :)

When you have those days that you feel you are not moving fwd or, well, y'know what days I'm talking of lol, just remember where you came from. Read your first post, and see where you are now. You are doing extremely well.

Take care man. I wish you the best.
 
Downwardplane said:
The Paxil isn't working in the least. I'm anxious in my head, everything is pushing me to my last nerve.
Click to expand...
paxil can do this to u, u realise
i was on it for yrs and i didnt realise but it was slowly turning me more and more obsessive-compulsive, anxious and even borderline psychotic
if its not working for u, it might b a gd idea to come off it (taper) - its a drug that fucks with a lot of ppl
u might want to look at an antidepressant thats not an SSRI
hang in there - theres a lot of shit to go thru, esp in the early days, but it does slowly get better, i can promise u that and im sure uve heard it in the rooms
3 meetings a week seems fine to me - i know some ppl say do 90 in 90 days and all that, but i personally didnt do that and i survived
i think with NA theres a fine line between working the program to the best that u can and overdoing it (taking it to extremes) - if the amount of meetings ur doing feels comfortable to u then keep with it.......the same with working the steps, work them in ur own time, as feels right for ur recovery
thats exciting about ur dad - im only just starting to communicate with my dad again too....tho thru letters not face-to-face.....i wud luv to know how it goes!
and try not to get too down about work - look at the bright side.....u can concentrate more on ur recovery now (relapse tends to happen more often to ppl who overdo getting back into 'the real world', hence why im not going to start uni till im 18 months clean)
ur doing fine, jay - sometimes u dont realise how well ur doing and it takes other ppl to point it out to u.....as addicts we often tend to focus on the negative (time to focus on the positive!)
 
EnYAY: One step in front of another bro. You're doing great, just focus on never giving into the demons in your head. Do your best to be physically active, it helps.

Monstanoodle: Sounds like you've gone down the same path I'm currently on. I hope things continue to be positive in your life.

DW: I feel the brain zaps with the Paxil. I had to stop taking it, was just altering my sense of reality in a negative way. Will have to talk to my DR soon.

It's been an eventful few days, been living on fast forward. Between job hunting, going to meetings and seeing my father for the first time in months, it's been a whirlwind. Good news is i've found a new job, I'm sure I will detest my coworkers in no time, but for now it's fresh and new. I've been hired by a radio station to do sales and marketing work. It's a fast paced job with little time to reflect, perhaps just what I need.

I didn't sleep a whole lot on Saturday before heading over to my Parents place on Sunday afternoon. I'm an internal worrier, it's how i'm wired. I wish I didn't have so much hidden anxiety. In a sign of good faith I picked up some flowers for my Mother and a CD of Leonard Cohen's that I thoroughly enjoy for my Dad. As I approached the door to their home my first instinct was to run. My Mom opened the door and gave me a big hug. My Father was sitting in his chair watching football on Television. For the first hour I was sitting next to him he barely acknowledged my existence. It was clearly evident that he's still deeply disappointed about the past events that have transpired. We talked about mundane things like the weather and his broken lawnmower. With my Mother as a buffer between us at Dinner the conversation was a little less strained. We discussed my new job and if I was seeing a new girl since my breakup months ago. The answer was no and my Mother seemed disappointed by that. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'm not pleasing myself and how can I please another. There is no telling when the next get together will be. At the very least the lines of communication are now open. Even after all these months I'm still depressed most of the time. I really believe the opiate abuse has damaged my ability to experience great joy. Tomorrow is a new day, I will drag my ass out of bed and try and make the most of it.
 
Downwardplane said:
I really believe the opiate abuse has damaged my ability to experience great joy.
Click to expand...
its still reallllly early days, u hav to remember that
it takes a longer time for some ppls brain chemistries to repair than others
remember ur also coming off antidepressants (hopefully not too rapidly - brain zaps probly means u shud taper slower) which will also lessen ur ability to feel joy
for some ppl, esp long-term opiate abusers, it can take yrs to fully recover and experience 'great joy' again - but if ur patient with ur recovery itll happen
things r likely to b strained between ur dad and u at first of course, but it sounds like things didnt go too badly at all and ur mum obviously really loves u
keep on keeping on
one day at a time ;)
oh btw, if ur looking at alternative antidepressants, ask about nortriptyline - its a tricyclic (without the extreme side effects other tricyclics r reported as having - for me, it reduced drug cravings, made me sleep better, helped me concentrate better.....only negative side effect was a majorly raised heartrate)
glad to hear uve got a job - just dont work ur ass into the ground.....remember, recovery comes first atm!
 
jay! its been a week + man. IM CLEAN!!!!!!

everyday is a struggle. sleeping is a BITCH. but fuck IM HERE. AS HARD as everyday is. its THAT much more rewarding.

one thing that runs through my head at all times.

"smile, for there are better days ahead"

:)
 
not at all. i did it 100% by myself.

i needed to feel the pain. so i know i NEVER wana go back to that.

if i WD painlessly. then i would just have ezaly returned to the bad habits
 
It's October 24th. I turned 28 years old today. A time to reflect of who I am and where I'm going. Another year older and hopefully wiser. I was surprised as a couple of people I used to work with took me out for dinner tonight. People can sometimes surprise you with kindness when you feel there is little of it to go around in the world. We enjoyed a nice meal at a Turkish restaurant and had some enjoyable conversation. Afterwards we went to a club which had a cool vibe. I stuck to club soda while the boys hit the booze. While the atmosphere was nice it's not real condusive to being sober. I politely left after an hour or so and returned home. Home to my one bedroom sanctuary with my books and thoughts. Nobody out there knows me like you do here. Perhaps that's for the best as I'm too dark for my own good most of the time. Thanks to everyone here for taking me by the hand when I needed it the most. I will probably never get the opportunity to meet most of you but I feel gratitude for the support and encouragement that's been bestowed upon me. I'm working my steps and badly want to make a difference in this life.
 
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