i said it because until i stopped making excuses, i could not overcome my situation. i am decently well aquainted with bp's situation. i've experienced similar things, save cancer. I've been in a multitude of crisis situations, and all the helpfulness/support i had i just used those avenues as reasons to not focus on the crux of the problem - my inability to deal with life on life's terms. I'm from a similar place as bp (literally 20 mins away in NJ, i was homeless in Morristown, NJ where he used to live if i remember correctly.) i've experienced very similar turmoil in terms of IV heroin cocaine addiction/ methadone clinic plus xanax, bipolar diagnoses etc, obviously not cancer. I solely speak from my experience in attempt to assist him. i emailed him my phone# and he never called. I know homeless shelters, food pantries, good aa/na meetings in the area hes from. to me it seems like he's playing the victim role, and that will perpetually disallow him the opportunity he deserves to overcome his present circumstances. I also thought i was terminally unique, and it seems like he may have a similar mindset - and the diagnosis/overcoming of cancer is unique; however the mindset of "im different, i need unique circumstances to take control of my life" is extremely detrimental to a recovering addict. I say these things because I did the exact same stuff...and i didn't change until i had traded everything of any value to me to self destruction - and was hoping to assist him so he did not have to experience the torturous empty existence i did. alas, it does not seem he will give me the opportunity to help.
I do appreciate your concern for him. Hopefully he finds his way.
I once was in the room with my sponsor and a sponsee brother who was also a good friend of mine. He was in "crisis scenario" having relapsed, getting arrested, disowned by his family, and lost his job because of his time in jail. He was freed of his physical dependence to heroin while in jail for a month. However, when he came out he blamed everyone but himself for his current circumstances, and was loafing on couches - not doing anything to better his life. He sat on the bed rocking back and forth (psych ward style) with tears welling in his eyes. "i wish i was dead, i'm gonna fucking end it, i cant take it anymore." My sponsor overheard this and asked him "you seriously want to end it?" My friend retorted "life isnt worth living, i cant fucking take it anymore, this whole recovery thing isnt going to work for me...i dont enjoy anything, my life is ruined, i'm done." My sponsor grabbed a pillow and smothered him with it. My friend immediately grabbed at the pillow and fought the older man with the pillow off of him. After some huffing and puffing, he freed himself from the pillow over his face.
My sponsor said "apparently you dont want to die, as you didn't allow me to smother you just now. since you're here, lets do some shit that will give you some relief...not the same type of immediate euphoric relief provided to us by a needle or a pint, but something that once attained is far less fleeting then the respite provided by chemicals...a life free of servitude to those things. Its going to be hard work, but i guarantee it will be better than how you're doing now... and if not the dope man will still be on the corner when we're through, and the booze will still be in the liquorstores. At the very least you will have lowered your tolerance so you don't have to spend 100's a day just to stay well."
My friend stood up, wiped the tears from his eyes, and had a different look about him. He still was malnurished and pale skinned. However there was something in his eyes. A fire burned deep within him, and it showed through the windows to his soul. He was determined to live better...and he did.
