Ah come one now, mate. That's not a good attitude. I'd seriously request you don't take your acid in your current horrible state of mind. I mean it may help and turn things around but the sound of your post it will just exacerbate your depression and frustration.
How about a few spliffs. Smoke on it and see how you feel. Keep the acid for another day.
It sounds bad how you say it but things will look different on another day.
Take care of yourself,
BB
Weed only contributes to my ears getting worse, even if it helps all of my mental illness. But now I'm even more fucked, because I was put on an antifungal called itraconazole, and it caused severe damage to my ears which I'm still suffering from well after ending the course. Things turned around in a good way after I'd posted that I wouldn't be surviving because fluconazole helps my ears and sinuses tremendously, but the itraconazole did the opposite. It's the only one of the two which has hearing loss as a side effect, but it's been days and my ears are still louder than lawnmowers, I'm like legitimately half deaf right now.
So when I'd said I didn't think I could make it, I had no idea how much worse it was going to get. It's laughable that I thought about dying on that day. I was upset because the month course of fluconazole I was on hadn't improved my ears in the same way as the previous month, but it essentially did within the last 2 doses, it was the last 5 with the previous month. I have extremely bad ringing in the ears, like, some of the worst humanly possible.
Worse than people who shoot guns and go to heavy metal shows with no ear protection, it's insane. At least it's that insane now. My doctor gave me 2 weeks more fluconazole but it's a lower dose and given how badly the other antifungal did the complete opposite and fucked up my ears to this degree, I don't think this will even cut it. I'd been begging him to just put me on 1.5 months of fluconazole. The 2 separate month courses I'd done completely cured my ears, but within 5 days they'd start getting bad again because I really do need to be on it for longer.
So when I saw him the other day, complaining of immense sinus pain, worse than when I broke every bone in my face getting hit by a car in the past, I thought there was an infection. I got X-rays, nothing was found. He said if this was the case we would try fluconazole again and he just gives me 2 weeks instead of a month. How inconvenient given he's going on vacation for 2 weeks. He'd told me to see him at the end of the month, he won't be available until June 20th because he's booked. So I'm just going to be back at square one. All he had to do was put in at least a month of it.
He'd talked about possibly doing a month the day I saw him/got the X-rays, then he just gives me 2 weeks on a lower dose. I told him, let's just try 1.5 months on the lower dose, you can check my liver enzymes and whatnot, etc. It's such a safe medication, I'm about to legitimately go on the dark web to buy this shit. If it's poison oh well, at least I tried. Out of every medication I've tried, nothing works but this. I've also had a sinus infection for a year and a half at least, have done at least a dozen courses of antibiotics, nothing has helped, and I'm anemic which is part of why. Why I'm anemic or how long I've been anemic nobody has an answer to, but it's reached points where my white blood count was so concerningly low that I was basically suggested to not go out until they go up to at least low-normal.
Regardless, as things stand, this is just how it's going to be, especially now. It's hard to have a good attitude when you're already debilitated by severe anxiety and PTSD, and I would use cannabis more considering it's so helpful for these but it messes up my ears even more and I have no idea why. I started smoking weed 13 years ago, it didn't cause ringing in the ears for me ever until a few months after sinus surgery, which had cured mild tinnitus I'd always had completely. During those months of fluconazole, I no longer got tinnitus from THC though and I was able to enjoy it again.
