If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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yeah, my L4&L5 are close.

my vertebrae are the most likely to fuse, and if it gets bound well i could easily fracture or worse a vertebrae or do nerve damage.

im supposed to watch my sleep posture.

i have a physical therapy routine, but am way to lethargic from the anemia, cytokines, and lack of nutrition that most of it, except certain stretches(screaming cat) are redundant and cause pain in my chest to flare up worse.

my i guess my T8&9 are on fire, and feel like they are going to POP through my skin.

some peole with AS a lot actually, have pain in their jaws, it can be damn painful to talk loud, breath normally, exert my chest, raise my arms, put them to my sides, move them to far from my sides, i couldnt imagine that in your jaw....!

Geez, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I hope one treatment or another ends up working out for you.
 
me to, there isnt yet. if there was only some damn surgery, but, where is it coming from? wtf why? we thought sciatica at first, and zapping the pinched nerve...
it was so amazingly unexpected and abrupt, ive been diagnosed close to a year now, and its still sinking in, all the acclimation's to be made, further diagnostics, pain relief(large uni pain clinic soon), the acceptance of it, and the acceptance of the rest, and my future; as its destined to be, and always been, but its nothing i could ever of imagined.

as i said, the humira helps with like 40% of the inflammation, fatigue, and pain, at once every 10 days, i worry if because the humira isnt helping with the pain, is it helping with the fusion and other complications...?

its good talking to some one who knows what im talking about, haha, and them some i suppose as far as a medical view. i was into medicine and wanted to study and earn some accreditation in nutrition, hematology, physiology, and tie them all together into something, mostly psychological problems that arise from "food/diet" and non mental disturbances, or several things.

im a lot more sure of how thats a lot less possible now, and it smashes me.
 
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Man! Pip, I have no idea about what to tell you. I am sorry that you are going through this and I hope that somewhere there is a treatment that you will be able to find that will give you relief!

It does sound like you are upbeat, and that is important. Many would just give in but being curious and seeking out info on the conditions does keep you busy and knowledge is power!

I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. In fact, since I found this thread and began to read, I have a list of 9 people that I look at as often as I can through the day so I can be truthful when I say "you are in my thoughts and prayers". I wish only the best for you.
 
Hi,
I am a guy from Germany and I have reading this forum for years but never write something. I won´t bother you with my problems, so don´t feel forced to read the whole text, it´s just a great relief to speak a problem out, which I kept for a year to himself.



I am slided in some very strange and humiliating addiction to research chemicals which lasts now for one year.

Once a psychologist diagnosed me with "Asperger Autism". It´s characterized by an unusal way to sense emotions which leads often to major social problems because I feel great fear in situation which are all day for others. It´s a congenital "disorder", a therapy doesn´t "help" much and I stayed years of my youth in youth institutions by being forced to try so. I am happy to spend a lot time alone, naturally I also seek sometimes company, however I always need some distance and a break after some time. Some people interpret this as rude behaviour but it´s never my intention.

Few years ago, I consumed mdma, coce, amphe etc. casually and always in social interactions. Then I stopped any consumption of illigel drugs and got problems with alcohol and made first experiences of self medication, but I managed that.

Last year I passed the school exam which was an incredible succees for me but soon afterwards, I recognized that a great void was left by the relief and the joy. For the first time for years I visited drug forums and my interest was drawn to research chemicals and the next months I consumed in steadily rising amount things like mephedrone, methylone, mdpv etc.

I made the discovery that I can use some of the chems to give me an accees to emotions of love, tenderness, care and sexual desire. I never managed to stay in a relationship with a girl for a longer time and stopped finally trying it. I can´t receive (and, what is infinitely worse) give the warmth, care and desire of a relationship because these emotions frighten me to much and no therapy or effort helped. It sounds sad, but with some of the chems and alone in my bed, I feel closer to someone else than when I lay there with a real girl.

Then my studies at university started. I felt that it wasn´t the right subject for me but I discplined me to learn the stuff which I began to hate, and as a consequence I needed every couple of days a "rest", that means excessiv consumption of chems. At that point I lost controll, nobody knew from my consumption and the chems can be so easily and cheap ordered. I remembered me years ago laughing over people who sit alone at home and taking bizarre drugs and I felt extremelly ashamed.

Things went on for month, until one day I felt so extremely bad that I called an ambulance. Instantly after arriving in hospital I fell in some strange psychosic with halluzination. After two days without consciousness I recovered and was informed by the doctors that an cerebral bleeding due to the chems occured in my brain. However, it wasn´t life threating and I left hospital after a couple of days.

Staying in hospital, I came to the strange mood that there isn´t anything to look forward and so I continued consumpting the chems as nothing had happened.

Then the exams took place and I failed but I am glad that this happened.
Now I must go on a new way. I see in the mirror that the chems did damage to my body which is irreversible. But I feel no loss about anything in my other life and don´t feel very sorry about my body which I hate quite often.

I often thought in my life on suicid but it was always rather the desire to express tension instead of the real wish to die.
Now the things are other but I don´t want to say I am going to kill me now. I just want to express that I accept that I suffer and can´t go on in my life in the same way.

Thank you for sharing these feelings.
 
Hi molodoi, welcome to The Dark Side <3

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, that takes courage.

Your experience with university sounds a lot like my first time at uni as well. I was only there because my parents wanted me to go, and I hated it. I never studied or went to class, and spent the whole time partying and taking drugs. Needless to say I failed 4 out of 5 subjects in the first semester, which only made me feel worse. I dropped out after 1 year. You have to make sure that you're at university for the right reasons, i.e. because YOU want to be there. Otherwise it's just too hard to focus and apply yourself.

I'm really glad to hear that you've quit taking research chems, they are seeming to be a really nasty group of drugs, particularly meph and mdpv. I know you feel like you've done some damage to your brain and body, and to some extent you are right. But the damage is NOT permanent, you will heal with time. In the meantime make sure you eat healthily, lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, drink lots of water, get plenty of sleep, do some regular exercise. All these things will help you to feel better <3
 
edgewise1 thank you, that means a whole lot to me.

iam curious, and i do want answers, i do want to die and rest, but i want answers, i want to know what remicaid did to me, never mind the AS haha. the pain and physiological flip-flop i went into is absolutely absurd, and maddening. i should hope no one wants me to live this way for long, or id, umm. i couldnt do to any one what that medicine did to me, or inflict the equivalent pain, for x(?) = # of years.

if capable though, i will continue the grand scheme, and find out why this is my destiny.
 
me to, there isnt yet. if there was only some damn surgery, but, where is it coming from? wtf why? we thought sciatica at first, and zapping the pinched nerve...
it was so amazingly unexpected and abrupt, ive been diagnosed close to a year now, and its still sinking in, all the acclimation's to be made, further diagnostics, pain relief(large uni pain clinic soon), the acceptance of it, and the acceptance of the rest, and my future; as its destined to be, and always been, but its nothing i could ever of imagined.

as i said, the humira helps with like 40% of the inflammation, fatigue, and pain, at once every 10 days, i worry if because the humira isnt helping with the pain, is it helping with the fusion and other complications...?
its good talking to so..me one who knows what im talking about, haha, and them some i suppose as far as a medical view. i was into medicine and wanted to study and earn some accreditation in nutrition, hematology, physiology, and tie them all together into something, mostly psychological problems that arise from "food/diet" and non mental disturbances, or several things.

im a lot more sure of how thats a lot less possible now, and it smashes me.

Most likely not. Humira is a monoclonal antibody or a fusion protein (i guess depending on the brand) that is specific for TNF-alpha. I don't see why it would help with the fusion. I mean, I suppose I'd have to look at what other pathways TNF-alpha is associated with and if there's any cross-binding with other proteins (ei specificity issues).
 
edgewise1 thank you, that means a whole lot to me.

iam curious, and i do want answers, i do want to die and rest, but i want answers, i want to know what remicaid did to me, never mind the AS haha. the pain and physiological flip-flop i went into is absolutely absurd, and maddening. i should hope no one wants me to live this way for long, or id, umm. i couldnt do to any one what that medicine did to me, or inflict the equivalent pain, for x(?) = # of years.

if capable though, i will continue the grand scheme, and find out why this is my destiny.

That's very deep man. I'm sure if you keep asking the right questions and open new doors to other questions, you'll eventually find your answers.
 
^ in through your nose and out through your mouth. At least that's what my psychiatrist wanted me to try before he Rx'd me benzos.
 
yeah yeah... ;)

no, that does work, it has to to some degree. the longer you can hold ....it!

but, the fusion, i believe the Humira is supposed to help by crashing the immune system so it will stop gnawing at my tendons, and then filling in with calcium

but, as i said i have f'n leukocytosis(neutro's, and myo's), my lymph system is fine, but my reds have been dropping, i supposed from my whites attacking them. my rhumitalogist(sp) seemed interested when i mentioned that my elevated wbc's are free radicals! if they where attacking my sacro's, spine, and other areas, they shouldnt register, or are they attacking, well yeah, and the others are just waiting their turn and now, going after my reds?

have my reds been mutating, and the more they mutate the more they get gobbled?!?
the radial wbc's attacking the reds seems more likely. my wbcs have elevated a while, long before i began lithium, and long before i was diagnosed with AS, they believe it has been progressing for 15-16 years... i have been to the ER for arthritic type pain as long as i can remember, and all that happened was i got sent home with some vic's or perc's.

still no one will prescribe me narco's... i have to laugh, because i have a # of docs and specialists, and they all send me to each other, or some one else for opioids, which is the only thing, besides mmj that alleviates this 24/7 pain. and no, everyone is scared to start me. there is no way in hell i would abuse that, i mean, my god im serious about this pain, if i didnt have poppy pods...

i go to a major university pain clinic at the end of the month, but something tells me nothing is going to happen. ive tried so many drugs, and many at my expense, i could deal with the AS, but the remicaid reaction... i can not, i need some opioids. i eat like 2-3 pods a day, and that has kept me sane for months now, i dont have to raise my dose, ive used op's for a long while, and once my tolerance gets up, i make it go down... whats the point of your meds not working? i would never dare run out abusing them, withdrawal, and go back into pain, thats the last thing i want.

* im trying to avoid that...

ive never gone to the street, and the thought makes me laugh. i grow my mmj, take the humira(i feel guilty doing so, its so damn expensive and doesnt seem to be doing much of anything), try new shit, develop new shit, wonder and wait. it seems taking the pods is screwing me, because my pain levels as they leave them, are more then i could bare. its so maddening, i would black out and bang my head until i was unconscious, sounds idiotic... lol, that or go to a psych ward, say my schizoeffective is so crazy! and get immediate "help" in the form of mind numbing antipsychotics, that is, if i didnt have a reaction like i did to the last three. risperdol worked, i took that for years.

thats my bright idea, thats what the easiest route seems to be and most likely will be, my pcp would give me risperdol today.

i guess they think im a seeker or something, i mean, i have literally a pile of evidence, evidence of terrible pain, sickness, diagnosis's, treatments, and many many odd, serious, physiological progressions and morphing occurrences.

what more do i need? anymore and id be in a hospital, i should be... i could give them a list of tests to run, they would be any fun for me! but im sure curious and tired.
 
Damn! I can't believe that with all those problems you are not prescribed something for pain! Boggles the mind. Well at least you can get some relief through the pods and the mmj, but still...

Hang in there my friend. Fate can be a fickle bitch, but she can be a rewarding one also.
 
yeah yeah... ;)

no, that does work, it has to to some degree. the longer you can hold ....it!

but, the fusion, i believe the Humira is supposed to help by crashing the immune system so it will stop gnawing at my tendons, and then filling in with calcium
What the humira does is binds to the receptor site of TNF. TNF kind of regulates the production of Igs(antibodies) and, you having an autoimmune disease, the humira would be used to downregulate your production of antibodies that are ultimately attacking your healthy cells

but, as i said i have f'n leukocytosis(neutro's, and myo's), my lymph system is fine, but my reds have been dropping, i supposed from my whites attacking them. my rhumitalogist(sp) seemed interested when i mentioned that my elevated wbc's are free radicals! if they where attacking my sacro's, spine, and other areas, they shouldnt register, or are they attacking, well yeah, and the others are just waiting their turn and now, going after my reds?
My guess is that either there's something wrong with your marrow and you're not producing enough RBCs or there's been a mutation where some of your cell surface proteins (could be different sugar groups added or missing) seem foreign to your immune system, thus the antibodies attacking them, thus the humira to downregulate production of antibodies (which leaves you immunodepressed and open to infection)

have my reds been mutating, and the more they mutate the more they get gobbled?!?
the radial wbc's attacking the reds seems more likely. my wbcs have elevated a while, long before i began lithium, and long before i was diagnosed with AS, they believe it has been progressing for 15-16 years... i have been to the ER for arthritic type pain as long as i can remember, and all that happened was i got sent home with some vic's or perc's.

still no one will prescribe me narco's... i have to laugh, because i have a # of docs and specialists, and they all send me to each other, or some one else for opioids, which is the only thing, besides mmj that alleviates this 24/7 pain. and no, everyone is scared to start me. there is no way in hell i would abuse that, i mean, my god im serious about this pain, if i didnt have poppy pods...
It sucks when you actually have a need for the drug but due to your past or for whatever reason they won't Rx you them

i go to a major university pain clinic at the end of the month, but something tells me nothing is going to happen. ive tried so many drugs, and many at my expense, i could deal with the AS, but the remicaid reaction... i can not, i need some opioids. i eat like 2-3 pods a day, and that has kept me sane for months now, i dont have to raise my dose, ive used op's for a long while, and once my tolerance gets up, i make it go down... whats the point of your meds not working? i would never dare run out abusing them, withdrawal, and go back into pain, thats the last thing i want.
Really, the college clinic charges you? I find that odd, as usually academic clinical trials are usually paid for, as they're used for research purposes

* im trying to avoid that...

ive never gone to the street, and the thought makes me laugh. i grow my mmj, take the humira(i feel guilty doing so, its so damn expensive and doesnt seem to be doing much of anything), try new shit, develop new shit, wonder and wait. it seems taking the pods is screwing me, because my pain levels as they leave them, are more then i could bare. its so maddening, i would black out and bang my head until i was unconscious, sounds idiotic... lol, that or go to a psych ward, say my schizoeffective is so crazy! and get immediate "help" in the form of mind numbing antipsychotics, that is, if i didnt have a reaction like i did to the last three. risperdol worked, i took that for years.
If the humira isn't doing what its supposed to, then why do your docs keep you on a regimen? I can only imagine having to go through that pain where anything to stop it seems logical.


thats my bright idea, thats what the easiest route seems to be and most likely will be, my pcp would give me risperdol today.

i guess they think im a seeker or something, i mean, i have literally a pile of evidence, evidence of terrible pain, sickness, diagnosis's, treatments, and many many odd, serious, physiological progressions and morphing occurrences.

what more do i need? anymore and id be in a hospital, i should be... i could give them a list of tests to run, they would be any fun for me! but im sure curious and tired.
Well, the only other thing I can say is keep your docs informed about how you're feeling and how you're reacting to the meds, and its also important not to self diagnose

...
 
sigh, i have no history... they just, idk, nobody wants to take it on... one doc told me, opioids and marinol are contraindicative... i have mmj and a marinol script.

idk why i take the humira, it seems pointless, but good god i have to try something to prevent fusion, besides activity. but the pain from the remicaid makes that an incredible struggle.

i couldnt possibly self diagnose, i had never heard of half the stuff they started throwing at me. i just take in the facts, study and understand them, take tests and wait, ive way too much going on for that game. i went through that, not trying to diagnose myself, but looking for lead ways and such. thats important, for me to an extent, as i was starting med classes right before all this, and it was my intention to go back... but even as being a mod here, self diagnosing or suggesting a diagnosis is a big no-no. for many reasons.

thanks for your insight man. its appreciated, and cool talking to someone who knows what im talking about!
 
sigh, i have no history... they just, idk, nobody wants to take it on... one doc told me, opioids and marinol are contraindicative... i have mmj and a marinol script.

idk why i take the humira, it seems pointless, but good god i have to try something to prevent fusion, besides activity. but the pain from the remicaid makes that an incredible struggle.

i couldnt possibly self diagnose, i had never heard of half the stuff they started throwing at me. i just take in the facts, study and understand them, take tests and wait, ive way too much going on for that game. i went through that, not trying to diagnose myself, but looking for lead ways and such. thats important, for me to an extent, as i was starting med classes right before all this, and it was my intention to go back... but even as being a mod here, self diagnosing or suggesting a diagnosis is a big no-no. for many reasons.

thanks for your insight man. its appreciated, and cool talking to someone who knows what im talking about!

Well I suppose if the humira is keeping the fusion from happening I don't see any reason to stop taking it. I'm not sure if you're under some premonition that the humira is supposed to supress pain, as its not, its duty is to stop your immune system from attacking your own healthy cells (and worse even bacteria and viruses)

I wasn't suggesting that you were self diagnosing, I was just making sure that you weren't looking for symptoms that aren't there and whatnot.

I have no problem helping you out any way I can, be it helping you understand some of the biochemistry and reasoning behind some of it. Heck, what's the use in having a degree in biochemistry if you're not going to use it, even if its only to help a fellow human being get some insight or peace of mind about what's going on inside their body.
 
It's gotten so bad I can't even get it off my chest here. Just being on speed is what manages to make me not so preoccupied with the intensity of my suicidal impulses as to completely debilitate me. Since I last posted here which was when I was starting to go psychotic, seems like I had developed psychotic depression. I tried OD by a caffeine bottle, spilling out the contents since there were no other chemicals left, but found it was ineffective for death after research. Then I found a rope, but found it is designed to snap under human weight. I could have easily killed myself without any hesitation in the past week or so had it not been for these circumstances.
 
The mental health crisis team was called out to my place last night after mum caught me with a needle full of air sticking in my vein, and my finger on the plunger. They told me to take my Seroquel and Haldol or they'll call the cops and have me taken into the psych hospital again. I didn't fancy the idea of being locked up in that place again so I did what they told me to. But now I'm entertaining thoughts about going out in style... suicide by cop or something similar. And if I could take a pig out with me that would be a bonus!
 
NO!!! Guy's, take a minute to think. You both will be sorely missed on the BL Forum. The two of you have so much knowledge to share that can and DOES help others. Let that knowledge you can share give meaning to your lives. The world will be a sadder place without you both here.
 
Thank you, sincerely. A few words like that go a long way. I am going to try my hardest, that's for sure.

Oh and Sweet P, PM headed your way.
 
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