I didn't mean to come off so dramatic in my first post here. Wrote that last bit on a comedown and im sure a lot of you know how that goes. Its hard for me now to even look at or read things that I have done while under the influence when im sober, I think I understand why clapton doesnt like listening to his old stuff. I've been reading bluelight for years, through pretty much all of my stages of drug use, I just never posted much for whatever reason. Now none of the other sections at bluelight really seem to suit me at all, most of it seems like stuff that you've heard before from people in a different stage of their use. I will try and be helpful and a contributer to this place as best I can. I dont know what to think of the ideation im having starting to cross from just comedowns to sobriety, im sure it has to do with my situation deteriorating, it just seems to be in the back of my head pretty constantly
edit- to n3ophy7e, yes the sad thing is I'm still using the tweak.. As of now I have cut down tremendously, but its to the point where I'll go a couple weeks, break down and use again, do something very regrettable in my "heightened" state while under the influence, swear it off until that seems like the distant past a few weeks later and talk myself into using again, its this terrible bypass around hell and sanity that I cant seem to take the exit off of.
Im fairly certain most of them were referring to another poster here with the alias "sweet pea".
However i can promise you that what you are facing in your immediate future will ultimately determine the length and quality of the rest of your life. Its also going to suck, a lot. I know it must be the most horrible thing ever to possibly imagine anything sucking more than it does now, but think of it like a raging hurricane off of some tropical island in a vast open ocean. Right now your sitting on that island, and you can see the storm approaching. It is getting closer and coming faster by the day, until finally the tip of the storm hits the island and the shit hits the fan. You are running through all the muck and debris, your struggling to find a sanctuary where you can be safe and think clearly and weigh out your options. Keep in mind, this entire time, you are wearing a watch with a delete button. At any point in time, you can press that button, and make everything go away. Litterally, everything just goes blank. Including you. You are no more. All you have to do to survive the storm is find one thing on that island, just one little thing no matter how stupid or mundane it may be. Whether it be a memory or a person or a goal or anything just to prove to yourself that you do still have the will to treck on and find that sanctuary from the storm. Once you find that one thing, suddenly the storm will pass and the wind will stop and you'll look up at the sky and say "Mother fucker..." as you realize your in the eye of the storm and the worst has yet to come. But now that you have that one thing that you care about, you can stop thinking about how much the storm has already sucked and start thinking about how you are going to get to safety before the second wall hits. You look and you look but to your horror and despair there is no shelter on the island anywhere, and you are staring strait at another shit fest heading right for you through the sky with awesomely horrific power. This is where you are at right now. I knkow you have made it at least this far because you have admitted that you have a problem. You know what you have lost. You know how much it sucks. But i know, whether you do or not, that there is still something, something there in your life that has kept you going thus far. It could very well be something in your future, maybe its been something in your past. Maybe its the memory of your mother but at the same time what keeps you here is what keeps you down because what if she was up there, in the eye of that storm, looking down at you in dismay. She knows your strong and that you can make it through, but she sees your engines starting to whimper and you know how it would make her feel if you just gave up. There is so much to see on the otherside of the storm. So many possibilities. So much can happen but you can't wait for it to happen, you have to make it happen. The second part of the storm is going to be worse than the first. Your going to have to go through every layer of Dante's hell and back up again, but once you get back up to the top, and the storm clears, and the clouds blow away, it will be the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. Do you know whats on the otherside of that storm? Do you know what it is? Its whatever you want it to be. Its never to late. I don't care how low you are and how shitty the storm is there is no excuse to use that delete button. I fucked around with heroin and ended up dropping out of highschool. But i picked myself back up and i got through my storm and i am not saying it will be easy. I am not saying it will happen over night. All i am saying is it will never change unless YOU make it change. It took me a while but i got my shit back together again, for the most part intact. I know that there are some things in life that you can never change. I know that in some cases whats done is done but that isn't always true and there is ALWAYS, no matter WHAT hope on the other side of that storm. If you can make it through that, than you can make it through anything. You can't take it all back, but you can change it.
You can do anything.
You can be anything.
You just have to do it.
Because you know what happens when you take the easy way out? Nothing. Nothing happens. You're just gone. And i know right now that must sound like the easy way out, but stop focusing on all the bad you have caused, and think of all the good you could bring? You are living in filth and shit because all you think about and all you do is filth and shit. You have to focus on the good. Remember the good times you had. Focus all of your energy on making more good times like those happen, and i promise you, eventually they will.
you are in my thoughts, please don't go through with this...
