If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

[stonedandrolling89]

Update: My girl(well, ex now) told me yesterday that she didn't love me the same anymore, and that it was over.

I've lost one out of two things that have been holding me together...if I lose my home, I'm killing myself. Real talk.

 

[lasthurrah19]

I'm sorry you lost your girlfriend and feel so shitty... I wish I had some advice for you mate. Suicide will hurt the people who care about you deeply, and I doubt you want to do that. Please be strong and hang in there.

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

Whats your drug of choice if you dont mind me asking? I'm sure you already know this but the drug use definetely doesnt help us to feel better about ourselves.

I wish so badly I could make your pain go away. I know how it feels. But yours sounds even worse. How have you survived this long? You must be very srong. Not at all a loser.

You wrote this three months ago. How are you now? Luv,SR

My DOC is Amphetamines/MDMA. i know neither of which helps with depression AT ALL. at the time i "coped" with a few lines of opana and about 100mgs of adderall. i'm actually doing alot better now. major shit hit the fan. my parents found out i was an addict by finding allll my drugs (11 e pills, 550$ 200$ plus in weed, a new adderall perscription i had just bought), that i was selling, that my bf was an addict. my bfs dad found a bunch of h bags in the bathroom..all this crap. which leads me to be sort of sober. i still do everything but with more watch. thanks for the help. you guys really help out. and freeboarding..i'm not strong. i'm just a dumb mule being led around. heh.

 

[Ds]

^I take adderal/amphetamine for my ADD, I take it just for school, I tell my self that I cannot take it to make me feel better, the last thing I want to be is a strung out house wife/husband like back in the 50's.

I haven't had any suicide thoughts in a while!! I'm in college now, living at the dorm, and I'm meeting people!! friends!!!!!
I think that's what fucked me up last time, I didn't have any friends. Now its like I'm not shy, I ask people how their day was!

Wow, 2 weeks ago I litterly died (overdosed on purpose) and now I'm wanting to live. I'm no bible thumper but damn something is there watching over me.

 

[EastOfEden]

Recently my depression has come back. I didn't really expect it I thought i'd been getting better. All I can think about is cutting myself, punching my family members and of course blowing my brains out. I don't think i'll ever beat this shit, this world is just too fucking ugly to stay positive for long.

 

[Ds]

I'm sorry eden. We all have been there. Fuck like about 2 weeks ago I was so fucking close to driving my car off of a bridge. I was drinking evan williams driving 100 textn it here on bluelight. I came close to death that night. It wasn't until the next day when I decided to get some H, and overdosed. Eden lemi tell you that the people here care for you, we may not know you in real life. At least your talking about it. Get the shit off you chest.

 

[mr. benfield]

i disagree with the morally neurtral statement in the original post.

i believe that suicide is immoral. it breaks the hearts of the people in your life who are still living. and suicide forsakes the gift of life that was bestowed upon us. life is the ultimate gift, the ultimate miracle, and shouldnt be thrown away.

im not a religious nut. thats just how i feel.

 

[EastOfEden]

Worse than before. Just staring the the roof all night, can't get to sleep. No reason to get out of bed in the morning. I'm physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted and see no reason to do anything in life ever again.

 

[EastOfEden]

Even though I got like 2 hours sleep last night I'm actually feeling pretty ok right now. I just want to say that even when it seems like you will never have another positive thought in your life again, you will. I'm optimistic this morning not because anything has changed in my life since last night but because I'm choosing to be. So much of this thread is people venting their negativity and pessimism, I encourage people to post in here when you're feeling a bit better to let others know that the pain does go away.

 

[stonedandrolling89]

I'm seriously contemplating putting a bullet in my head within the next week.

I'd rather be able to get the money to cop enough dope to go out in a bang, but I don't know when I'll be getting any money.

If this progressively gets worse over the week, it's very possible I'll be ending it all.

 

[BeachCure]

"Tie a knot in the rope and hang on..."

I'm seriously contemplating putting a bullet in my head within the next week.

I'd rather be able to get the money to cop enough dope to go out in a bang, but I don't know when I'll be getting any money.

If this progressively gets worse over the week, it's very possible I'll be ending it all.

Stonedad,
I really wish I knew something to say, something to type, some magical formula to take your pain away. I will suggest going back and reading the OP if you have not done so. Just take the 5 minutes and absorb the words. I agree with the OP that in a word, "when our cup runeth over"; that is, when our coping mechanisms can no longer handle the stress piling up on us, indeed it is not abnormal to give serious thought to checking out. I am at a loss for words other than don't do it man. Just take the world for what it is, and live you life 5 - 10 minutes at the time. Then perhaps extend that period until you reach a day at a time...a week at at time and so on. The saying goes that if we were to randomly switch problems with another person we would wish like hell we had our old ones back. Believe me, my friend, I know the depths of your misery.

I have fantasized and thought deeply about suicide many times. The closest I came was not very long ago when I had a loaded .357 cocked and inserted into my mouth. But the thoughts of my children attending my funeral just wouldn't allow me to squeeze the trigger. So, with tears streaming down my face, feeling completely stupid and humiliated, I put the gun away, dropped to my knees and prayed to God for Him to take my burdens away.

My life sucks, and just when I think I can't sink any lower, it gets worse. I am in my third marriage and I have 5 kids with two different wives. I lost my job last December and still remain unemployed. Our home went through foreclosure in March. My current wife told me she wants a divorce a few weeks ago. In spite of my pleading she will not budge, and under protest, I will be moving out of our little apartment this coming week, leaving her and my precious three year old daughter behind. I don't even feel like a real man anymore. I can't even get any type of job to help support my kids, my finances are in complete ruin, my credit rating is in the toilet, I have had six surgeries in the past seven years on my back, neck, shoulder and I am facing at least two more in the next year or so. I have been denied disability, and my measley little unemployment will run out in a couple of months.

Due to my surgeries and retractable chronic pain I have been on narcotic painkillers for nearly 8 years. I am totally under-treated for the miserable pain I live with every day, and yes, I am dependent -- perhaps addicted -- to oxycontin. I spend the final two weeks until refill stretching what I have left, counting and recounting the pills and days trying to make it until I can get it refilled. And doing what I can to avoid the hellish symptoms of withdrawal. I literally could go on and on, but the net result is it doesn't really do any good...does it?

I will not be so trite as to say, "Hey look pal, there are a lot of people in this world much worse off than you." I think that statement is B.S. People will say that, but it NEVER makes us feel any better about our situation. Look to the people on this forum for support, call a hotline, try to focus on ANY reason for living. If you want to talk or touch base, let me know, and we will connect if you believe it will help at all to go "no-holds-barred" venting with a total stranger. I do know from experience this can help. Like the title says, "When you get to the end of your rope just tie a knot and hang on." Hang on buddy, and like Morgan Freeman said in Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." Please, PLEASE, get busy living. Square your shoulders to the world, lift up your chin and hang in there.
BC

 

[stonedandrolling89]

:'(

Thank you BeachCure.

I just want somewhere to call home.

I want that more than anything in the world. Being inside this house right now feels so uncomfortable, as I know I'm not wanted.

I want to be surrounded by people who care, and I want to be able to walk in love without being judged for it. I'm so sick of material and money, and that's all that my dad and his girlfriend care about.

I'll make it, I have to. I can't let them win.

 

[BeachCure]

Awesome dude!!!

:'(

Thank you BeachCure.

I just want somewhere to call home.

I want that more than anything in the world. Being inside this house right now feels so uncomfortable, as I know I'm not wanted.

I want to be surrounded by people who care, and I want to be able to walk in love without being judged for it. I'm so sick of material and money, and that's all that my dad and his girlfriend care about.

I'll make it, I have to. I can't let them win.

Hey Stonedad,

You da man, my friend. That is precisely the attitude to have. And believe me, I know exactly how you feel about living somewhere you are not wanted. It sucks and I hate it for you. I'm in a similar situation. My wife wants me out and I'm moving out against my will this weekend. I hate to leave my little girl behind, but I'm left with no choice. She has threatened to call the front office and tell them I'm not on the lease. Her father continually threatens to call the police and have me forcibly removed. F***K IT!! Like you said, I'll be damned if I have any desire to be somewhere I am not wanted, so I'm out...O-U-T...out.

At any rate, I'm extremely happy to hear you say these things. Just like your Dad and his so-called girlfreind, my soon-to-be ex-wife is so material focused and money-loving that it drives me crazy. For nearly 10 years we have lived an upper-class lifestyle. I have worked in the pharmaceutical industry for 23 years and made a very good living. For the past several years, until I was laid off last December, I was a fairly high level executive with a mid-size biotechnology company making a very nice high six figure income. Now that times are hard, she can't stand it. She can't stand the fact that we can no longer afford a full time nanny for our daughter, a cleaning crew for our home, she can't have her nails, hair & toes done weekly, she can't get weekly massages, we can't jet off to the bahamas on a whim, blah, blah, blah.

That is the lifestyle she has been accustomed to her entire life. Her father
(A #1 a-hole) is very wealthy...a multi-millionaire. And now that I can't provide that lifestyle for her, she wants me gone.

Well, like you, I refuse to let them win. She will regret this one day just as your Dad will regret the way he treats you one day. I guarantee you when he is lying on his death bed he will not be thinking about the almighty dollar. He will be thinking about his son and how he wished you were there with them.

Stay with it, buddy, and never...NEVER let them win.

Take care,
BC

 

[ninjakris]

I have read the post about suicide. I don't want to die, but I have a lot of agression inside me. I've been in and out of rehab for the last year. Just recently had a relapse for about a month and were to rehab for detox for about 5 days. Only 5 days because there was no vacant place for me. I am from norway by the way. I am feeling very lonely right now, but at the same time I don't want to meet people or talk to them. I sit at home in my shitty apartment and just think a lot and stare at the computer. It's after 10 at night here and there is no one I feel I can talk to. I think that most of my problem is because the fucked-up childhood I had. My mom is schizofrenic, and my dad was never around. I ended up in a foster-home. I no longer take my anti-psychotic meds. I was on zyprexa, and then seroquel, and I felt that it was a blind-gate. I gained about 30 lbs on zyprexa. After I tried tapering down the zyprexa, I started feeling very sad and at the same time had agressive thoughts about the people in my life that have let me down. I am currently on 6 mgs of xanax per day, and 200 mg of tramadol for back pain. I take antabus so I can't drink. I think most of my addiction concists of alcohol-abuse. I have quit that for the time beeing. I have been depressed since I was 18 years old, I am now 29. I think a lot about the meaning of life, god, the universe, those complex deep things. After I came home from rehab 4 days ago, I have just sat around my apartment, eaten, slept, and just one trip out a day to get food and go to the doctor. My doctor is very understanding, but she is also a busy woman. I feel like I don't want to bother her too much. I have gone to therapy earlier, and have both positive and negative experiences with it. But most negative. I open myself and tell about my problems, but they can't seem to help be prosses them. I am very depressed right now, but too chicken to end my life. I want to live but right now I just excist. It's so fucking depressing. I have wasted so many years of my life. So much pain, and for what? I wish I could find someone to talk to right now. I think a lot about hurting people. People that I think deserve to die. I am beeing tested for aspergers syndrome and a sleep-disorder called idiopatic hypersomnia. If I have aspergers syndrome, it would explane why I have huge problems getting along with people and understand subtle things like bodylanguage and irony and humor. I have not held a job for over two years now. I have had pschycotic episodes (when on drugs) and they seem to get more frequent. I am afraid of loosing my mind.

Can anyone talk with me tonight?

Chris.

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

I am thinking about suicide today.

Not myself, but because I found out today my uncle died a few days ago. I was on holiday and my parents did not want to tell me until i got back. Even though I'm on the other side of the world from them atm.

He deliberately overdosed and left a note.

I was shocked. I am deeply saddened. Though deep down this comes as no surprise to me, and I hope he is truly in a place where he can have the peace he has always craved through his bi polar ruled, drug addled life I had to witness him experiencing his entire life. I am sad I cannot attend his funeral, I am especially sad for my cousin who never knew much of her dad from the age of ten when her mother and him divorced due to his drug problems and he never bothered to make contact with my cousin except a few occasions, one of which he said to her he wanted to kill himself. I remember her telling me this in tears of shock and devestation. Even though he was a terrible father to her, he was very mentally unfit to be a parent to her.

I have never had a family member commit suicide before. I feel so sad for his parents who are such kind people, and although he was estranged from most of my family for many years now, he was in his prime a smart man, a pharmacist, but his mental health got the better of him as he did not seek adequate treatment.

I am sad. A deep sad, a loss that I have never felt before. And it hurts not being home with my family for this, I feel quite alone atm.

 

[RedLeader]

^ hey I know you and I haven't talked for a while, but you can always PM me, or contact me through other means, if you need a friend for support. Reading this just tears my heart apart. I hope you are okay. "okay" is subjectve, but you know what I mean. Stay strong. Life is hard sometimes. Just know you've got a lot of resources on BL.

 

[Unlucky]

I dont want to live anymore yet Im finding it difficult to die...

I just wish I never existed, for me that would be ideal, as the other side could be just as painful as this...
What makes this world so painful is how beautiful it is when everything in your life is not. Just looking out from behind the bars and seeng all the things you cant be a part of.

The only thing keeping me alive is my family, I wouldnt want my death hurting them. The minute their gone I'm gone too...
I have issues that have me considering suicide that I havent been able to tell anyone before yet I find talking about them to people who dont know me easier than the people around me...

One of the most painful things in my life is my sexuality, I've kept it a secret all my life and its prevented me from ever being with another person, I've been scared others won't accept me if they found out, and it even goes against my own morals and beliefs. I've never been intimate or in a realtionship because of it. I dont know what it feels like to be loved or kissed and I know I going to die without ever finding out...

This burden lead me on a self destructive path of drug abuse that finally caused an overdose which immideately left me disabled with brain damage. Since that day I've had to rely on my folks to take care of even basic tasks, robbing me of my independence.

Following that I lost my job as I was no longer able to work, soon after I lost all my friends as I could no longer get out of the house without assistance. My permanent brain damage caused a whole list of life changing symptoms. On top of that I was left with a chemical sensitivity to all pyschoactive drugs so now I cant even use anything to help cope with the pain in my life.

My muscles and joints have now also begun to deterorate and I live with chronic pain now which I cant even take pain medications due to adverse effects of the chemical sensitivity. Someone up there hates me and I feel like I'm being tortured .

There is no cure for my condition. I feel isolated, very lonely and sad, I've lost my health along with everything that I loved , I have no friends and no life. Death is looking very sweet right about now, yet its my family thats holding me back.

 

[Pillthrill]

I know last time I was on I hung around this thread a whole lot. Thought I'd pop in and said my medication and the lack of other illegal drugs made a huge difference! I looked at my "friend" the other night and said, "Wow, I haven't thought about that in DAYS! actually awhile..." (Suicide that is) and someone the other day described me as happy. Its funny that I get such a thrill out of that.

Anyway, I know there is a lot of suffering that coming onto this thread, a lot of pain that can't seem to heal sometimes. I know that emotional pain that hurts so so bad that it becomes a crushing physical pain in your chest. I'm here for anyone who feels that they would like to talk on a more personal level with someone that gets it.
I wish you all the very best and hope peace and happiness may be found among the grayness that seems to sometimes cover us all.

 

[Sweet P]

^ Out of curiosity, what medication are you on? Ever since I had my citalopram increased to 60mg, my suicidal thoughts have almost completely disappeared. Sometimes I still notice them in the back of my mind, but I'm definitely not contemplating suicide as seriously as I was. It feels great not to have those thoughts constantly invading my head.

 

[Ds]

I feel extremly useless right now. I cant fucking do a damn thing right. All my life I have been criticized on how to do things proper, and I still can't do it right.
I feel as if i'm at ground zero in my life. I don't know what to do.
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