If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

[TwistedReality]

Thanks guys. I feel like I'm making progress overall, but the past two days have been anxiety central. I feel mostly better today.

 

[ThaiDie4]

Twisted, I'm glad to hear the past few days have been better for you ^^

I'm not seriously considering suicide, but sometimes it seems like there isn't an answer to my problems. I don't have any addictions that I can pinpoint as the problem to why I am depressed... I know part of it is from the death of my dad a year ago, but I had depression long before that.

It just comes and goes.. its really different from day to day, month to month, year to year.. so unpredicatable. I got to a point about two years ago where I started feeling better and weaned off my anti-depressants. Now I'm started to fear I'm back at square one and I'll start to need them again I am so discouraged, I thought my life was really going to turn around for the better. I understand I will always have my bad days\monthes, but it's been a lot more frequent lately.

I know everyone here has their own issues going on, but if anyone can spare a few minutes to listen to me blubber, a PM would be much appriciated. I would gladly do the same for anyone in need.. I try my best to encourage others, I am in school to be a counselor after all.. but sometimes I just need some help myself.

Thanks for taking the time to read, I hope everyone on here is doing well and NONE OF YOU BETTER END IT! You are all too special and mean the world to your family and friends, please keep that in mind.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

^what antidepresents were you on?

Personally, I don't see why you should feel ashamed in going back on them if they are helping you. For me the only help antidepresents give is to sort of smooth things out a big so there are not these big highs and lows.. having to deal with a death in the famiy, especially a parents (my to you) is extremely difficult and tramatic, if you need to go back on the meds I don't think you should view it as a fall, but rather you taking responsibility and taking care of yourself.

I can't get thoughts of suicide out of my head. I feel so trapped with my ED, it seems like there is no way out of this hell and everyone I turn it's there... I'm at my wits end with it, but I can't get it out of my head and my life, I feel so fucking trapped in this world...

 

[Pillthrill]

Well perhaps you need a mood stabilizer instead if the anti-depressants aren't working. Or a different one. Its trial and error and sucks big time, but in the end its worth it.
You are MORE than welcome to PM me.
That goes for everyone, I'm glad to listen to anyone. I know how you feel.

 

[ThaiDie4]

^ Thanks guys. Mia, I think you are right... there really is no shame in being on anti-depressants. I guess I just feel that if I admit that I need them again, then I'm admitting that I didn't get better like I had hoped But I'd rather be medicated than be misrible, you know? I like your theory that it isn't failing, its just taking care of yourself.. that is actually very meaningful.

I actually had a great day today though despite the usual... I went to Relay for Life and it was a lot of fun.. emotional because of my dad died of cancer, but a great expierence none the less.

I am so sorry for all the shit you've been going through with your ED.. I can't imagine how that feels ED's are so misunderstood, and I just want you to know you are in my thoughts. I'm sure dealing w\ it for 10 years makes you feel hopeless, but the truth is that we never know what tomorrow brings.. and maybe after enough "tomorrows" you'll find that you've progressed to a point where you can beat this. If anything, you've inspired a lot of people here, I know that for sure. You are a crucial member of TDS

PillThrill, thanks for your comments as well I appriciate the offer for a PM, I might take you up on it one day hehe.. I know you are a great listener.. i've seen you around TDS too and its so great that you can be there to relate to people and help others.. i just hope you are getting some help yourself (and i dont mean that in a bad way, just that everyone deserves support when they are down!!) Thanks for being there

 

[Pillthrill]

Nope, don't you worry about me. I have my low points but these days there are far more highs than lows and I am trying to take care of myself so I can better take care of others.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

^ Thanks guys. Mia, I think you are right... there really is no shame in being on anti-depressants. I guess I just feel that if I admit that I need them again, then I'm admitting that I didn't get better like I had hoped But I'd rather be medicated than be misrible, you know? I like your theory that it isn't failing, its just taking care of yourself.. that is actually very meaningful.

I actually had a great day today though despite the usual... I went to Relay for Life and it was a lot of fun.. emotional because of my dad died of cancer, but a great expierence none the less.

I am so sorry for all the shit you've been going through with your ED.. I can't imagine how that feels ED's are so misunderstood, and I just want you to know you are in my thoughts. I'm sure dealing w\ it for 10 years makes you feel hopeless, but the truth is that we never know what tomorrow brings.. and maybe after enough "tomorrows" you'll find that you've progressed to a point where you can beat this. If anything, you've inspired a lot of people here, I know that for sure. You are a crucial member of TDS

I am glad you are having a better day and that I was able to offer some help. I don't think it's that you didn't get better as you had hoped-- we can't expect or even hope that we will get better forever, it's inevitable that we will continue to struggle as new events come up in our lives that trigger us and make living difficult and hard. Going back on antidepresents IS you taking care of yourself and making sure that you DON'T go back into the dark places that you were able to pull yourself out of before. In that sense, you HAVE gotten better-- you're now able to see yourself going down a bad road and are coming up with healthy and helpful solutions to deal with it, which I doubt you would have been able to before. If you have to be on them for a little bit, that's fine, you WILL get off them again. Being on them will just help get to a place (chemically) where you can put more effort into dealing with these issues that are coming up, and ultimtely, help you be able to move on.

Thank you for the support and kind words I post so much crap in TDS about me I hope I've helped at least a few people, haha.... luckily I'm feeling a bit better today as well. I just get so frustrated because I feel like everyone says (not you) "you will get to the point where you are sick of it," hit your rock bottom, and from then on somehow things are supposed to get better...but I have feel like I've been at my rock bottom for so many years and I just don't KNOW how to climb out of it, so I'm just sitting there. Maybe the only way to climb out of it is to just accept that you will be miserable for a while but things will eventually get better, but I don't know, I just feel like I'm done the "fake it until you make it" thing so many times, and for long periods, and it just never gets past the "fake it" part. And now I just don't have the faith in that to gather the motivation to force myself to be miserable in hopes things will somehow change. So I keep looking for something new to try in hopes that will be the magic "cure" but I feel nothing is, it all comes back to just forcing myself to be unhappy-- and with no end to that in sight is when I feel like life is just miserable both ways and endlessly, I would rather just not live. But the few points at which it's been happy are enough for me to have some hope and keep going. The good times just seem to fade and become shorter as time goes on and the bad times seems to becoming stronger and longer and I can feel myself slipping away from that hope...

 

[ThaiDie4]

Don't be sorry, Kitty... that's what TDS is for. We all are really worried about you and want the best for you! Please take Enki's advice and get some help for yourself.. you deserve to be taken care of. Hell, if I lived near you I'd take you into my own house just to get you away from that monster!! I am just praying so hard for you (and I'm not even religious!) because I know you are in a bad place... please update us with what's going on!!

Mia, you are in my thoughts as well dear. I hope that you are just going through a rough patch that will end soon... maybe your "rock bottom" is just a bit more drawn out than most peoples, and if it can't get any worse that means it can only get better. I don't know what you are feeling, the best I can relate is by looking back to MY rock bottom (which was years ago, with my depression) and I know that there's not much people can say to aliviate the pain... so I won't bog you with silly cliches, but just know that there ARE people out there with addictions and EDs that have gotten out of it... there is no reason to think the same can't happen for you... I don't know where you are exactly in your battle, I wish I could tell you that it was almost over, but even if it takes awhile for you to get better you WILL find the peace one day that you deserve. Much love dear. Please talk to me if you need it

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

i really wish that i had the courage to kill myself already, but i seem to be too weak to do even that.

 

[BeckyLee]

-- and with no end to that in sight is when I feel like life is just miserable both ways and endlessly, I would rather just not live. But the few points at which it's been happy are enough for me to have some hope and keep going. The good times just seem to fade and become shorter as time goes on and the bad times seems to becoming stronger and longer and I can feel myself slipping away from that hope...

That is exactly how I feel sometimes, too. :*(

 

[Fjones]

i really wish that i had the courage to kill myself already, but i seem to be too weak to do even that.

Allow me to rephrase.

"I am struggling, but suicide is a weak solution because it means giving up. I have not killed myself because I am too strong for that and I have the courage to keep fighting."

 

[panic in paradise]

^
excellent.

brainwash yourself to try and think that way, to rephrase current thoughts or the circumstances of a situation, life can become easier.

i mean; you can teach yourself to think that way, see the potential, possibilities, and out come of a current situation, by rephrasing your thoughts which in turn influence your mood. your out look on life will become easier and more positive over time, as well as your acceptance of yourself.

it takes time and practice, and is easier with a head start from a psychologist, or in my case hypnotherapist.

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

I think Ive always had depression. When I was about 12 I seriously almost slit my throat. I obviously didn't do it, and Ive only ever told 3 people about that, but Ive never really thought it was that serious of an act. I guess you could say I'm glad I didn't do it before this mood hit but right now it doesn't sound to bad. Then when I was a sophomore my depression hit full force after my parents got in an almost fatal car accident and I had to make decisions that as a 16 year old you shouldn't even be thinking about. I didn't really realize I had a problem until my mom somehow talked me into going into therapy a few months after. Happily I talked through my problems and I thought I was past all of it.

Now, only 2 years later I think I'm having problems again. I don't know if its because I do more drugs..alot... now or if it truly is the depression coming back but it sucks. Tonight was the hardest. I was watching the Will Smith movie Seven Pounds with my parents and I just wanted to basically breakdown. I don't know what to do and I really hope it gets better. I don't want to have to admit that I have a problem again because I'll feel weak, stupid, incompetent, like a failure...not like I don't already but that would mean I'd have to admit it to the world...again.

I am seriously considering just ODing one of these days because no one would really care..and in all honesty it would be so simple. The worse part is I know I don't have any reason to be thinking like this. I have a great family, for the most part, I have great friends, I even have a relationship going on -- not super healthy but its something-- and still, I just think it would be easier to slip away. I wish I didn't need the pills to be happy but I don't wanna stop. And I definitely don't wanna tell anyone I'm probably addicted to them.

I hate myself. I always have. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I wasn't so weak. I wish I could just be smarter and be what my parents wanted. I know they love me but no matter how many times they tell me I just don't feel it. All I feel is empty, desperate, anxious, and sad. It sucks..and crying doesn't help. I don't really know why I'm posting this cause I'm not asking for any advice or anything..but thanks for reading this who ever you are and not knowing who I am. And please if you know anyone who is dealing with this..or if you are...don't be like me. Talk to someone and don't use drugs to cope.

They never really work in the long run.

 

[Jabberwocky]

And please if you know anyone who is dealing with this..or if you are...don't be like me. Talk to someone and don't use drugs to cope.

It sounds like you have the right idea for other people. I wish you would take your own advice. I have been suicidal many times but I have come to consider suicide a non-option. I will die someday, its inevitable. If I suicide I forfeit a lot of options and possibilities many of which I don't know anything about at this time. I really hope you open up to some people about what is going on. If you went to a support group of people bereaved by suicide you'd come to realize that suicide inflicts very painful suffering on survivors. For yourself and your love ones please work to keep yourself safe.

 

[DexysMidnightRuner]

^^You have no idea how much I wish could follow that. I'm feeling a bit better now, I didn't use a good coping method though . But even seeing your response gives me a little comfort. I know people care, I just can't convince myself. How can you be so sure you'll be giving up future possibilities though?..I have no talents, no hobbies, no interests, no personality. I'm just a thing taking up space and using air. The only "skill" I have is being practical even when I'm fucked up on something but that's not gonna help me make money or support my family or basically benifit me in any way. My friends are so much luckier...they all have talents, skills, brains, and good luck. They contribute to society. I don't even think I'm a good person..and apparently I have an attitude that gets me fired and causes all these problems with my social interactions and I can't seem to make it better, no matter how hard I try. I would like to go back to therapy..but then I have to admit I'm not strong and that I failed at even keeping myself happy.

But thanks for the support. Its nice to see strangers care. I hope you keep your positive attitude and keep doing the thing called living.

 

[Georgie25]

^^You have no idea how much I wish could follow that. I'm feeling a bit better now, I didn't use a good coping method though . But even seeing your response gives me a little comfort. I know people care, I just can't convince myself. How can you be so sure you'll be giving up future possibilities though?..I have no talents, no hobbies, no interests, no personality. I'm just a thing taking up space and using air. The only "skill" I have is being practical even when I'm fucked up on something but that's not gonna help me make money or support my family or basically benifit me in any way. My friends are so much luckier...they all have talents, skills, brains, and good luck. They contribute to society. I don't even think I'm a good person..and apparently I have an attitude that gets me fired and causes all these problems with my social interactions and I can't seem to make it better, no matter how hard I try. I would like to go back to therapy..but then I have to admit I'm not strong and that I failed at even keeping myself happy.

But thanks for the support. Its nice to see strangers care. I hope you keep your positive attitude and keep doing the thing called living.

Whats your drug of choice if you dont mind me asking? I'm sure you already know this but the drug use definetely doesnt help us to feel better about ourselves.

 

[freeboarding]

I wish so badly I could make your pain go away. I know how it feels. But yours sounds even worse. How have you survived this long? You must be very srong. Not at all a loser.

You wrote this three months ago. How are you now? Luv,SR

 

[Mariposa]

If I suicide I forfeit a lot of options and possibilities many of which I don't know anything about at this time.

Wise words, ones I've needed to reread this week.

I'm glad I've stuck around to read them.

 

[panic in paradise]

how can you try everything? its hard enough to even realize what all is out there, i mean the more you learn, the more you realize you dont know.

that keeps me motivated.

 

[ocean]

^People come to TDS and come into this thread not looking fr someone to tell them -go ahead.... its not selfish-
They need help, they need guidance.
These situations shouldn't be taken lightly.....