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If she doesn't like me, why doesn't she just leave me alone?

Cyc

Cyc

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 11, 2000
Messages
11,370
Location
Canada
So at work there's a girl. She's engaged to be married very soon. We've always flirted, but just in the past month or so the flirting has gotten to a bit of a fevered pitch. It started with frequent visits to each others desks, and has progressed to us staying late after work one night and talking for 3+hrs, wherein I admitted I really liked her. At that time, she sort of laughed at me and said I was just setting myself up for rejection and she's in love with her fiancé. We also had a bit of an argument about our philosophies on fidelity. I took the position that commitment and marriage is a lie and we are always just looking for the next best thing, and she took the more traditional approach to fidelity. I told her that I totally understand her feelings but I thought I would let her know how I felt about her. I believe in being up front about these things.

Next day (This past Tuesday), things were not awkward at all. In fact, she came to work in the best mood I've seen her in ever. She was glowing.. Far from what I expected, which was a bit of awkward avoidance. We even had lunch plans the next day.. but she totally surprised me and invites me for lunch that same day. When I ask whether it will be in a group setting, she suggested it would just be the two of us.

So now I'm a bit confused. I think I was pretty straightforward with the fact that I like her romantically, and she was straightforward with being friends, but then she invites me to lunch in an intimate setting. So I just go with it.

So fast-forward to lunch and we're really pushing the clock. We've been chatting/bantering/flirting for 1.5hrs and there were a few moments where I've stroked her hand and she seems really receptive. Suddenly we get back into it about relationships and she starts getting a bit upset about the fact that I have little to no respect for monogamy and fidelity, to which I regale her yet again with my bohemian view of the world (we only live once, billions of people on the planet, blah blah) and she goes all red, gets really frustrated and we leave. She's actually a bit pissed at me and avoids me the rest of the afternoon.

Today we sort of had lunch plans again, but she blows me off and has lunch with another co-worker. I'm feeling a bit gutted but overall I understand. She needs some time away. I get it. So I go back to focusing on work, but in the afternoon SHE STARTS COMING AROUND MY DESK AGAIN! At this point, I'm actually a bit annoyed because she is sending me a lot of mixed signals. So I basically go for broke. I ask her out tonight. She rejects me. Good. I told her to just ignore me then. I'm basically giving her an ultimatum. Things are either getting physical/intimate or she can please bugger off, because all I can think about when she's around is fucking her, and my productivity is shot. I've told her this before.

So she goes away.. but of course texts me on the way out and later on texts me something to the tune of, "You wouldn't even care if I stopped talking to you anyways" to which I didn't reply.

I'm about at my wit's end here. What the fuck is wrong with this woman and why is she terrorizing me? If she's going to cheat on her fiancé, then that's her problem, otherwise be a good girl and leave me the fuck alone. She also has this epic sense of cognitive dissonance when it comes to the subject of whether she's a willing participant in all of this. She loves the attention and puts herself in every position to receive it, but seems to take zero responsibility in her part in all of this.

The thing is, I've been playing it pretty cool but I actually like this girl and it's doing my head in thinking about her. i want to ask her to take a walk with me on Friday, as Saturday I'm leaving for a week for a conference and I won't see her. She seems to think a week apart will help get me out of her system. I am going to just kiss her.
 
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My two bits:
1.) She is, as you suspect, just in it for the attention. If you ditch her, chances are she'll dally with some other guy who'll validate her self-worth; perhaps she can't stand the thought of being desired by just one person.
2.) I understand the carpe diem angle as much as anyone, but I'd let her pass; she sounds like a drama magnet. When things go south (and they probably will), she'll blame and drop you in an instant, to say nothing of her man.

Good to see you 'round these parts again. B)
 
Thanks Bel. Sober and well written as always. I am glad to see you too :) Thanks for the feedback. I think I will back off a bit.
 
So every time she has texted me or come up to me, I've basically hit on her and/or asked her out. I'm hoping she's starting to get the picture that we are not going to be friends and if she wants it to stop then she needs to leave me alone. She's trying on her wedding dress today so I got a bit of respite in the afternoon as I'm sure her mind was elsewhere (for once).
 
You are being used by her and for her own selfish reasons.

In the short: you fulfill a need. That your intentions do not match should be enough to just walk away in my opinion.

I have been there and understand your confusion. You two working together is bad news.

Don't let yourself be a part of a narrative that she intends to write on her own terms.
 
Yeah she is playing for your attention. Clearly fishing for it with that text. Either leave now or bite down harder on the hook. She knows what she's doing. If she wanted to she would have done it by now.
Thing is, what is she like at home if she's doing this at work? Why this behaviour in the first place if she has a fience. Bad news mate. Ide stay away.
If how ever you wanted to disconnect then still say hi to her but act like you have a busy schedule and you got stuff to do. Go to your conference thing and hopefully it'll blow over. At the end of the day she isn't going for friends or dating, therefore she's only playing with strings.
 
she's teasing you and loving the power. when you ignore she comes back to reel you in like a worm on a line.

a real waste of time and emotions and you only get so many good years in life as a younger sexy man...
 
I don't entirely agree with what people are saying. Have you never been in her situation or something close cyc?

You seem to have a terrible sense when it comes to picking up on her hints... you think any woman who's into monogamy and fidelity wants to hear from a guy she's flirting with, maybe even considering having something with, that he has no respect for any of that? What a clueless thing to say. Honest, maybe, but her reaction is more than expected.

I think she might be having second thoughts about her relationship and she genuinely likes you. But you have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time especially when all is going well... and this will probably totally not happen between the two of you.

If you were less scrupulous and were willing to withhold some of your opinions and played it better you mightve had a very good chance of fucking her, and maybe even stealing her from her fiance. But it seems like it would never work between the two of you in the long run if you have such different sets of beliefs.
 
Why steal her?

And why would she want to be won?


/lame game I say


you are better than this Cyc

<3
 
Well, might as well add to the saga here.

I went to my conference and we pretty much talked every single day while I was there. Like hundreds and hundreds of texts. We chatted every day, all day. I was really excited to get back and see her.

Today we had lunch together outside and chatted, and in the afternoon we went for a coffee run and I took her aside and again told her how I felt. I told her it was impossible for us to be friends and if she insists on being close to me, things either have to evolve or we need some space.

She told me it's super inconvenient because she wanted to spend the week with me, and wishes I would have told her at a later date. She also looked a bit perplexed but told me that she understands. I also pushed her a little to see if I was crazy or she had feelings as well. She refused to answer.

So after work she asks if I'd stick around while she finishes her work. I did and after we went for a walk in the woods around the building. During the walk, she confided in me that her mother is really sick and she feels bad for not wanting to see her. She started to cry as we were walking back. This is rather a big thing because she had never been vulnerable around me in the past.

All evening she texts me and says we have to have lunch tomorrow, then after that I can ignore her because she doesn't want our last interaction to be of her crying. I told her that's fine. Then she randomly caps the night off by saying that she only wants to be friends and she only shared the story of her mother with me so that we could be on a level playing field. Then she said we should probably spend less time together after tomorrow. I told her to not worry about lunch and that I'm going to bed.

I feel like she's making this a lot more dramatic than it really needs to be. If she doesn't like me, why doesn't she just leave me alone? I can handle rejection, but now I feel like she's going out of her way to patronize me. I think she's overcompensating a little and it's awkward and unattractive.

sexncandy said:
I don't entirely agree with what people are saying. Have you never been in her situation or something close cyc?

You seem to have a terrible sense when it comes to picking up on her hints... you think any woman who's into monogamy and fidelity wants to hear from a guy she's flirting with, maybe even considering having something with, that he has no respect for any of that? What a clueless thing to say. Honest, maybe, but her reaction is more than expected.

I think she might be having second thoughts about her relationship and she genuinely likes you. But you have a knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time especially when all is going well... and this will probably totally not happen between the two of you.

If you were less scrupulous and were willing to withhold some of your opinions and played it better you mightve had a very good chance of fucking her, and maybe even stealing her from her fiance. But it seems like it would never work between the two of you in the long run if you have such different sets of beliefs.
Click to expand...

So your advice is to bury my head in the sand and pretend she's not engaged, while I shamelessly seduce her until she leaves her fiance? Fuck that. If she's going to cheat, she can come to terms with it first. I am not going to be accused of taking advantage of anyone after the fact. She's a big girl.

I get her hints. Fuck her hints. I haven't bit on a single ploy for attention (and there have been A LOT of shit tests) and that's why she's still hanging around. Something in her hindbrain is telling her I'm probably a decent catch because I don't give in to any of her compliance or congruence tests. The reason she went over the top to patronize me today is because she wants to justify her marriage choice and putting me in a weak position is something she had to do for herself.
 
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Noodle said:
You are being used by her and for her own selfish reasons.

In the short: you fulfill a need. That your intentions do not match should be enough to just walk away in my opinion.

I have been there and understand your confusion. You two working together is bad news.

Don't let yourself be a part of a narrative that she intends to write on her own terms.
Click to expand...

Thanks Noodle <3

I am going to avoid her tomorrow and focus on my work.
 
That's the part I'm having trouble with- the fiancé. Where is he while she is texting you non-stop?
 
They've been together 10yrs. He probably doesn't really give a shit.
 
You're fortunate y'all haven't gotten together. She'e betray your trust by seeking attention from some dude that keeps asking her out.
 
This is my opinion and experience I have always called it a "work(husband/wife)" either way it is someone you could see yourself with but either really either does love their significant other or is scared of taking the chance to leave what they have had for how many ever years I say do this tell her you met this girl at ___ and ask her what you should do and try and judge by what she says what your next move should be make up this wonderful woman you met and make this imaginary girl better than her and say how much you like her and want to make a go of it and just judge the situation she will either give you advice or seem jealous and you'll know what it is and what you should do but don't lay it in too thick she will see through it I had a almost similar situation and did this and after what she said it seemed like she was upset but gave me advice that seemed like something she would want and just seemed too personal on her part not to pertain to herself I used that advice on her a little bit down the road and now I have been with her for over 5 years now!!! and we are not only in a great relationship but are also best friends and new parents of a 6 month old and I couldn't see my life any other way all the best and good luck hope it works out for you in the end either way you go
 
Ok, well I figure I'd update this.

She finally told me today that she has feelings for me, but has no intention of cheating on her husband. I feel like I could have pushed the issue on several occasions but have been patiently waiting for a complicit moment. This after literally weeks of going back and forth, spending hours upon hours together. Now she doesn't know where to go from here and I don't know what to say. I want to fix this but we are in two separate places. She owns a home with her husband, is financially secure and her entire identity hinges on her new marriage. Her family just shelled out tens of thousands to see their daughter happily wed. Her husband inherited a family business which also allows him to provide very well. All I have to offer is a shot at something more personally fulfilling than what she currently has. Not even a sure thing. I will not be in a situation to get my first mortgage for probably another year, and even then it will require two people to float. On top of it all, I'm the villain, the 'other guy' so I can't even appeal to the classic love story version of events to make my case.

I wish this were easier, but she is seriously in knots about her fidelity and her feelings for me are something she is doing a really poor job at dealing with. It makes me feel like I should just leave her alone and let her live in blissful ignorance.
 
Definitely leave her alone and tell her to quit messing with your head. Why the hell did she get married if she doesn't want to be with this man? Just stop these interactions, put an end to it and move on. There are lots of single girls out there for you to have a real honest relationship with.
 
Don't tell her you're gonna stop talking to her. Abruptly end all communication. Change your number. Stop emails/facebook etc. If you do it any other way, it will leave room for you two to get all emotional and get back "in" with each other. In the meanwhile, look for a girlfriend or better yet, a floozy. You'll forget about the married chick within 4 weeks.
 
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