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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

I wish I could commit suicide. It I love my wife too much to do it to her.

I wish I never met her. I’ve begged her to leave me. I’ve acted a fool to try to get her to leave me so I can finally do it.

Something inside me won’t let me hurt her like that and I am bearing all the pain so that she doesn’t have to.

I think I would probably use a very large caliber gun or jump under a train. These seem like the least painful, 100% likely to work, and quickest methods. Probably down an insane oral
Dose of benzos and opioids and slash the wrists also before shooting or jumping just to make sure
 
LucidSDreamr said:
I wish I could commit suicide. It I love my wife too much to do it to her.

I wish I never met her. I’ve begged her to leave me. I’ve acted a fool to try to get her to leave me so I can finally do it.

Something inside me won’t let me hurt her like that and I am bearing all the pain so that she doesn’t have to.

I think I would probably use a very large caliber gun or jump under a train. These seem like the least painful, 100% likely to work, and quickest methods. Probably down an insane oral
Dose of benzos and opioids and slash the wrists also before shooting or jumping just to make sure
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Damn bro. Hopefully you can eventually find a reason to live beyond not wanting to hurt someone you love, but I mean I have been there before.

Do you have anyone in your personal life other than your wife you can talk about this with at all? Family, close friend, anyone?
 
LucidSDreamr said:
Something inside me won’t let me hurt her like that and I am bearing all the pain so that she doesn’t have to.
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I think this is the reason that stops a lot of people from suicide. I can only speak from my close calls. It all came down to either I suffer or they suffer. And I love them enough and I do not want them to suffer. Now I stay for me as I know I have work to do. But it did come down to thinking about others. Your wife would be crushed and none of us know what is coming in the future. I know it seems like all pain and suffering to come but we never know. Also a lot of us at BL are way tough.

Feel better Lucid. You've been participating for years. And we know some of the physical pain you have to endure.
 
I wouldn't want to hurt my family like that either. Just try to work through it and have that as an option. Just try not to make your family feel bad.
And you are already doing better by helping them too. That would hurt so bad. Just keep doing better for them.

Oh and just smile about a few things everyday. That's all just a little bit. So it could feel better and get better.

It is tough to think about their trauma and hurt, and what others have to go through. Awe. Thanks for sharing your kindness.

And feel better too.

Sometimes it is just all about the little things. Little by little that really does help a lot. We are all going through something and then keep trying, though, too.

You'll be fine just sleep more and get rested. I do hope that you are better. It is a very deep feeling. I am trying to just stay comfortable.

There is a lot of stress going around it seems all at once too. I am sorry for anyone struggling too. Try to keep, well yeah, your head up.

I need to keep taking deep breaths too.
 
Still...waiting...on a date for when I have surgery to drain the excess fluid from my brain. It honestly can't happen fast enough, that day can't arrive soon enough.

I am holding out hope that it resolves all or at least a majority of my physical and newly emerging mental problems. The balance and memory issues are the worst, hearing isn't nearly as bad as the balance issue, the nausea and the overall dizziness and giddiness that I'm struck down with every day. I wish they'd just schedule the surgery and get his bullshit over and done with...and if that doesn't resolve the problems by the end of this year, then guess what my New Years' resolution will be? I offer a clue, I'm now writing my will, getting it signed by a JP, and a social worker. I've already signed a living will (advanced care directive), and this is the next logical step. Any money I get from my inheritance will be distributed amongst the beneficiaries.

I surely hope I don't have to enact the New Years' resolution. But the upside of that is that I won't need any money, food, shelter, water, sex, whatever else physical you can think of, where I'll be going. I'll only need to take my soul. Hopefully there is no fire and brimstone, with my parents being Bible toters, I'm sure they'd be most upset that their son "won't be going to Heaven"...but I don't believe that, I think God should forgive me because this daily suffering is just getting too much.
 
Another SBUTT. Scary. I just need to be on fucking blood thinners, but the doc got angry when I asked for them. I know what the fuck is causing this problem and I NEED to be able to treat this before it's too late and my hearing gets destroyed in an instant, and I end up unaliving myself. I told everyone I know that if it ever happened again I would do it, steroids or no steroids. I'm just fucking fed up with this shit.
 
I've got no idea whats going on w this thread rn, but hey yeah i cant take this, im tired. assuming its okay to post here since its a suicide prevention thread

What basic at home meds can i mix w alcohol to get some sort of a 'high'? Im tired
 
I had an episode last early Friday morning. My 12th. I think it is getting very close to the end here. I've decided that the next episode will by last, and this time I am serious. I'm not going through any more of this. The anxiety will eventually kill me anyway.

Oh, and if I have a major episode during surgery, guess what? I'll tell the doctors that they have two choices, they can give me the steroids I will obviously need or I end up with more permanent damage and then I take my life. Two choices. I think I'd rather die from complications of an infection from a head wound (which there will be because they will drill a hole into the side of my skull) rather than from very quickly and brutally ramming a sharp object into my neck or somehow finding the barbiturates that I believe I threw away years ago and taking those instead.

Surely the docs can give me antibiotics if they are worried about infection risk. I will tell them that my parents and sisters will prefer if I died from an infection than if I died at my own hands. I think everyone here would agree, I am sure any doctor with any respect for bodily autonomy would agree too. It's either the medications or I die. Simple as that. There is no other option here.

All I know is this is NOT going to get better, because it keeps getting worse obviously. I cannot live with any more torment. One more episode and on of my sisters or my social worker will be posting on this under my username and I will be giving them my credentials so they can update anyone. I think I have at most about 6 months to live. That's about it guys.
 
Continuing to my earlier message ig, i don't think there's much time left for me anymore

I mean i was right last time i felt like i had abt 2 months, the attempt failed obviously, but i'm not any better. I just want this to end i need this to end, there are so so many lovely things that do give me joy, but i'm just too. Tired. No matter the amount of happines possible in the future, i really don't think i can make it past the next 3 months. Already feeling the previous pre-attempt cycle continuing, i can't take this, please, let me die i want to die
 
Flynnal said:
I had an episode last early Friday morning. My 12th. I think it is getting very close to the end here. I've decided that the next episode will by last, and this time I am serious. I'm not going through any more of this. The anxiety will eventually kill me anyway.

Oh, and if I have a major episode during surgery, guess what? I'll tell the doctors that they have two choices, they can give me the steroids I will obviously need or I end up with more permanent damage and then I take my life. Two choices. I think I'd rather die from complications of an infection from a head wound (which there will be because they will drill a hole into the side of my skull) rather than from very quickly and brutally ramming a sharp object into my neck or somehow finding the barbiturates that I believe I threw away years ago and taking those instead.

Surely the docs can give me antibiotics if they are worried about infection risk. I will tell them that my parents and sisters will prefer if I died from an infection than if I died at my own hands. I think everyone here would agree, I am sure any doctor with any respect for bodily autonomy would agree too. It's either the medications or I die. Simple as that. There is no other option here.

All I know is this is NOT going to get better, because it keeps getting worse obviously. I cannot live with any more torment. One more episode and on of my sisters or my social worker will be posting on this under my username and I will be giving them my credentials so they can update anyone. I think I have at most about 6 months to live. That's about it guys.
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I think you are right about having a honest conversation with your Dr right now. You need to make your feelings clearly heard. Unfortunately sometimes we are blown off and not taken seriously so we have to be insistent.

I hope they will listen to you. Sending you best wishes.
 
siipirikko said:
Continuing to my earlier message ig, i don't think there's much time left for me anymore

I mean i was right last time i felt like i had abt 2 months, the attempt failed obviously, but i'm not any better. I just want this to end i need this to end, there are so so many lovely things that do give me joy, but i'm just too. Tired. No matter the amount of happines possible in the future, i really don't think i can make it past the next 3 months. Already feeling the previous pre-attempt cycle continuing, i can't take this, please, let me die i want to die
Click to expand...

You write that there are many things that give you joy. Can you try to keep these in focus when you feel overwhelmed?

My brother committed suicide because he felt overwhelmed by some life events that in retrospect would have all been totally solveable. As you can imagine his death has been devastating to his family.

When I find myself overly stressed about a difficult life event I try to remember how my brother had thought his problems were unsolvable, when they really weren't. We just may not be seeing the solution yet, or as in his case his frame of mind was not in a good place for an unknown reason.

If you feel like taking your life again please call a suicide hotline.
 
I just don't want to feel pain anymore. I don't want family to hurt either though. The pain gets unbearable and I'm scared of what's to possibly come.
Getting my hopes up that I might have found happiness to get drenched in loneliness and feeling totally unlovable
 
Search narconon on internet. They can help maybe. Center of detox. The drug poisons are lodged in the adipose tissue and it is a detox of these tissues that they offer in the center. he claims to eliminate them. if you can't go to the center, on ubuy you can order a daily health kit packet multivitamins and minerals, he says that you have to combine it with sport and do sauna after sport. he also says that niacin greatly helps with elimination. drug poisons in fatty tissues and also claims to detoxify those who take drugs such as heroin.
 
he also says that the poison remains for years in the tissues or even more, it is a doctor who has done research and this program. this is apparently what we experience with xeplion, haldol etc.
 
Without overusing niacin too otherwise apparently too much Niacin is risky
In the nacronon center is a 28 days cure apparent
 
some of their poison is metabolized in the liver, but xeplion is in fatty tissues, although it is good to have plants for the liver, kidneys and intestines to support elimination.
 
for someone who is still taking medication I can't say if it's good to mix this sports program, sauna and say mixing vitamins and minerals, a very very good doctor would surely be able to answer this.
 
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