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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

golego55 said:
"Don't be afraid to ask for help" turns interesting when you get death threats from the people who are supposed to help. Interesting er experience 0/10 wouldn't recommend.
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I was not feeling well once and the way I was treated; I wish I had the where with all to use my phone to record some of it. There would have been a huge financial settlement or an even bigger lawsuit. If only I would have recorded it on my phone. The doctor in the er might have lost his license and I would have gotten a lot of money. It was bad. My lack of treatment and the abuse, but they never got a penny from me and no insurance. I almost died.
 
Jnowhere said:
I was not feeling well once and the way I was treated; I wish I had the where with all to use my phone to record some of it. There would have been a huge financial settlement or an even bigger lawsuit. If only I would have recorded it on my phone. The doctor in the er might have lost his license and I would have gotten a lot of money. It was bad. My lack of treatment and the abuse, but they never got a penny from me and no insurance. I almost died.
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Yeah unfortunately it's the moments that we need "evidence" the most that we sometimes forget we have phones to record. Like when I broke my leg, I definitely wish I could've gotten pictures of the terrible conditions in the parking lot so I could've sued tf out of that company. Oh well, I was hurt so that was obviously the last thing on my mind.

Also, I'm not doing a grammar Nazi thing here I promise, just more of a letting you know so you know thing, but wherewithal is just one word.
 
I think I fucked up my work of 3 years after reciving many chances, due to my denial and invalidation for being autistic. Because of this, I refused to accept my limits, didn't asked for help, suffered a period of coke addiction, and it hurts my mind and body writing my dissertation due to my college trauma and difficults to execute tasks. But my body also hurts to communicate and ask for help. I was late diagnosed, so I'm grieving for realize that nothing is wrong with me, my head is built different. I have limits.
However, I'm a little tired. Usually I take acountability for my actions, however, I see no hope for my future as a professional. I'm angry with myself for self sabotage. However, cry about the past won't solve this. Shit is done, 3 years went to trash and is okay.
But I'm so tired of reinvent myself and start over. I need help. I need support. Is stupid, but the tasks I didn't want to do (usually home tasks), I was motivated with company...
I want to cook health meals with more frequency, keep the house with a little order, have a consistent routine...But unfortunatelly I realized that I'll need some support for a while, until becomes an habit. Is so embarassing, but after many strategies, this approach is more neurodivergent friendly.
Tired of saying this, but I'm not using autism as an excuse, I'm just saying that I made a mistake for not asking for help and not using adequate methods... I've spent my entire life trying to be "normal". So, a lot of my limits were ignored and that made my body tired.
I'm just tired. But at the same time, I'm too weak to deal with prejudice and invalidation for being autistic, just because I'm "functional" and a woman.I don't think I can handle the idea that I have limits and try to be something I don't, doesn't work.
Once again I fucked up something I love after all the chances I had. I'm a dramatic piece of trash. I'm just a spoiled woman... Why good people die and I'm still alive?
Feel sorry for my parents, I was a planned child and they were cursed with a quiet, spoiled, selfish, stupid and secretly junkie daughter who has to move a mountain to be taken seriously. And now I failed. THAT failure I can't handle. Have no idea wnere to go...
I can't understand my feelings, hurts so much.
If I end up alive, will take years to move on from this mistake, just like with my final work of college.
Will write my dissertation while waiting my advisor diamiss me tomorrow. Try to keep my shit together, because my husband needs to finish a book and is a big deal.
And my father's birthday is on Monday. Today is his deceased mother's birthday. Can't do this with them at the moment.
At least I'm not desperate for coke like I was two months ago.

Edit: Just a vent, but fuck being an asshole disguised of tough love and screams. This shit just make my blood boil.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling right now. From reading what you wrote I don't see someone who is spoiled or selfish, I see someone who has had to work hard for everything and face challenges and limitations that others don't have to face but still made a lot of accomplishments.

You have been able to get some distance from the coke, which I'm sure was not easy.

It sounds like you have persevered through a lot. I know things look bleak now but I believe you will find your way through this and it will be a learning experience for you.
 
I hate my life and I hate everything that I have going on. I want to just die right now. I may end up ending it soon. I have to get some things into order first, like getting my pets into the right hands and making sure my mom has my dad's possessions (the few that I have left). But once that is done... There's no real reason for me to be on this planet. I can't do anything right. I'm a continuous fuck up and a continuous failure. I used to be so full of life and happiness. But losing my job, losing everything. Hearing my boyfriend say all the stress in our lives is caused by me. He's entirely right. It's all my fault. So if I were to die... It would make it so much easier on him. He deserves to be happy and healthy and with someone who can give him a family. I have enough medications saved up that I can easily overdose. Maybe one of the days that he's at work. Since I'm a useless piece of shit who can't even get a good job to bring in enough money. I have no friends. I have nothing and no one.
 
Please don't kill yourself. It may feel like no one would care right now but your family would be devastated, and it's something they would not get over.

It was unkind of your boyfriend to blame everything on you. If you are having issues with depression right now it is not your fault. He needs to show some compassion.

" 'The night is getting old,' said Aragorn, 'The dawn is not far off.' "
The Fellowship of the Ring
 
kris66 said:
I'm sorry you are struggling right now. From reading what you wrote I don't see someone who is spoiled or selfish, I see someone who has had to work hard for everything and face challenges and limitations that others don't have to face but still made a lot of accomplishments.

You have been able to get some distance from the coke, which I'm sure was not easy.

It sounds like you have persevered through a lot. I know things look bleak now but I believe you will find your way through this and it will be a learning experience for you.
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Thank you so much for the support. If I weren't in public right now I would cry. Thank you, being away from coke is so hard too. Today I failed, but I'll get through this. At least I'm not buying.
Trying to be kind with myself, because during the master I had to deal with so much: pandemic, mine and my partner addiction, the denial and invalidation of my diagnosis, my self hate, debts, my father's cancer, a car accident, the loneliness in this town, my hard time to communicate...
 
You have had a lot to deal with lately that would be difficult for anyone. It's not your fault that you have been struggling.

Be patient with yourself. I'm trying to taper off benzos right now. I've been on them daily for over 10 years. It's not easy for sure.
 
kris66 said:
Please don't kill yourself. It may feel like no one would care right now but your family would be devastated, and it's something they would not get over.

It was unkind of your boyfriend to blame everything on you. If you are having issues with depression right now it is not your fault. He needs to show some compassion.

" 'The night is getting old,' said Aragorn, 'The dawn is not far off.' "
The Fellowship of the Ring
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Unfortunately, at the same time… he’s not wrong. All the stress has been caused by me. I lost my job. I fucked up and relapsed one night. I just found out I’ve had chlamydia for the last two years (before we got together) but I gave it to him. I’ve caused all this. It’s all my fault. If I died… he could move on. And honestly, no one in my family is going to miss me all that much. I have no friends or family. I have my parakeets and my Mom. But my Mom isn’t well anyways and is in a nursing home. She doesn’t have long to live anyways. 💔 My Aunt and Uncle… they’d be disappointed but they’d get over it.
 
You are being too hard on yourself. I don't see the things you described as all your fault. You had chlamydia before you were with your boyfriend and didn't know you had it. You gave it to him unintentionally because someone gave it to you first.

Lots of people relapse for a night. But you are showing strength that you were able to limit it to one night.

As for no one missing you if you were gone, that's just not true. It's common for people who are suicidal to convince themselves of this. My brother committed suicide last summer and our family has been devastated ever since.

Be kind and patient with yourself and don't accept the blame for things you couldn't control. And don't allow your boyfriend to continue to put you down. You deserve better than that.
 
kris66 said:
You are being too hard on yourself. I don't see the things you described as all your fault. You had chlamydia before you were with your boyfriend and didn't know you had it. You gave it to him unintentionally because someone gave it to you first.

Lots of people relapse for a night. But you are showing strength that you were able to limit it to one night.

As for no one missing you if you were gone, that's just not true. It's common for people who are suicidal to convince themselves of this. My brother committed suicide last summer and our family has been devastated ever since.

Be kind and patient with yourself and don't accept the blame for things you couldn't control. And don't allow your boyfriend to continue to put you down. You deserve better than that.
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Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone to suicide is horrible. I lost my dad when I was 6 to suicide. It’s hard.
Secondly, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate everything you’ve said. I’m trying to be kind to myself. It’s so hard.
 
I’ve just written my suicide note and I cut myself for the first time in 9 years tonight. I’ve narrowed down how I’m gonna kill myself. I have two options. But I also found a place that will accept my parakeets since I know my boyfriend won’t take proper care of them. They’re the only reason right now I’m holding on. I love those little birds more than anything. But my boyfriend has smashed my heart in pieces and it was already fucking hurt. My trauma and pain is real. I can’t just get over it. That’s the whole reason I’m looking for therapy. But he thinks I need to move on and get over it. Find something else to focus on. My heart hurts. Everything hurts.
 
There is no way I can know what you are going through right now. But I do know suicide and self harm are not your answer. Are you in the US? If you have come up with a suicide plan and written a note you should call a suicide hotline or go to the ER. Don't harm yourself. People do care about you.
 
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