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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

Thank you, I appreciate that. I have C-PTSD so I can relate to the brain fog that can come with it, it's shitty.

And yeah deficiT, it's kind of self-sabotage. I mean saying it's to "punish myself" isn't entirely accurate. It's more like, I want to draw out all of this negative energy and have it shoved into my face to make me realize how much I need to change, how much I need more help, better people in my life, etc. I've done DMT on all of those bad trips and it really changed the trajectory. One night after a series of bad arguments with my mother I called her up and apologized in probably the most sincere way I ever have. We have had our issues but I was saying some really fucked up things that were totally outside myself. I've really seen myself turn into a monster at times due to mental illness and that seems to only get worse with time, as my current struggles continue to go on, etc. If I manage to get myself out of this it'd be the greatest redemption arc of my entire life.
 
deficiT said:
Sounds like you got some self sabotage going on there. I sometimes have felt the same way with DMT and mushrooms. Just knowing that my psyche needs a good ass whooping to set me straight and I dive right in. It usually does. Not always the best choice though. Set and setting can really fuck you up if it takes a negative turn. So just try your best to be gentle with yourself. You've only got one mind and body, I know those self destructive thought loops can be hard to deal with, but just try reaching out to a friend when you feel yourself wading into the deep end.
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I've spotted this vs many though relatively minor kamikaze trend in yourself bro, which I almost feel as if I can see you forever reeling in like a fishing rope (by forever I mean every time, challenge not.... 365.


Hence my attempts at times to encourage in you a shed more optimism in outlook.

You've pulled yourself out of the depths enough times I'm sure.
 
BourbonMac said:
Thank you, I appreciate that. I have C-PTSD so I can relate to the brain fog that can come with it, it's shitty.

And yeah deficiT, it's kind of self-sabotage. I mean saying it's to "punish myself" isn't entirely accurate. It's more like, I want to draw out all of this negative energy and have it shoved into my face to make me realize how much I need to change, how much I need more help, better people in my life, etc. I've done DMT on all of those bad trips and it really changed the trajectory. One night after a series of bad arguments with my mother I called her up and apologized in probably the most sincere way I ever have. We have had our issues but I was saying some really fucked up things that were totally outside myself. I've really seen myself turn into a monster at times due to mental illness and that seems to only get worse with time, as my current struggles continue to go on, etc. If I manage to get myself out of this it'd be the greatest redemption arc of my entire life.
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I have cPTSD too, and yeah I totally relate to the brain fog when I get triggered. I dissociate pretty severely, like, I am not "here" at all when I get triggered and have a PTSD episode.

What professional help are you getting/have you had? You've mentioned cPTSD and mental illness, and I know from your other thread the intense struggles you're suffering with your tinnitus (not sure if you remember but I have chronic tinnitus too. You and I have a lot in common dude!). It sounds like you really should be getting some kind of professional help, not just self-medicating. What do you think?
 
Senior Moderator said:
I have cPTSD too, and yeah I totally relate to the brain fog when I get triggered. I dissociate pretty severely, like, I am not "here" at all when I get triggered and have a PTSD episode.

What professional help are you getting/have you had? You've mentioned cPTSD and mental illness, and I know from your other thread the intense struggles you're suffering with your tinnitus (not sure if you remember but I have chronic tinnitus too. You and I have a lot in common dude!). It sounds like you really should be getting some kind of professional help, not just self-medicating. What do you think?
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Yeah I got me some niiice full on Tinnitus too, overnight Nov 12th 2013 iirc day, directly from a neurological Coxsackie virus got into my left ear.


Face, cheek was visibly bit swelled plus sure pain feeling.



Lucky I had perfect remedy for any ear infection.

3 drops 3% no higher, food grade hydrogen peroxide knocked ear infection on the head.


But it caused lasting tinnitus the infection.

Does drive me nuts.


Far worse was 2016 serious optic Nerve injury. Luckily escaped major visual impairment but strangely disabled my ability to use visual feedback in towe with hand/eye coordination for any task performance since.


I had to adjust how I do things. Like taking scene snapshot then as if lights are outed use my hands without the hand/eye coordination aspect.


But the optic Nerve injury alone, technically part of our brain, disposed me to intense anxiety and depression.


I've shit loads extra general NS damage and specific Nerve damages on top from Lyme then dozens Coxsackie viruses THEN at least 10 separate Covid contractions, always Long tings invading my CNS.


But still my tinnitus can drive me nuts, ESPECIALLY waking after an acid trip.
 
Damn I guess a friend of mine who was supposed to make more DMT said he probably won't for months which... could be bad. It's one of the only things that I feel has kept me going, kept me stable and able to put off thoughts and ideas of suicide more often, and I'm down to basically one or two last trips. I know it doesn't take that long to make, he made his first batch in like a week and a 2nd batch in even less. Some people can make the shit in a day or hours even. I'm just pretty concerned, because of the MRI doesn't find anything then I might truly lose it and have nothing to fall back on, it could really be it. This just comes as a massive surprise to me, I mean we hung out last week and he said he'd make it any day and now he's saying not for months? Everything weighs on the results of my MRI and now I'm even more worried sick over it. I'll admit I didn't have to be doing it as often as I was and should've just been saving it for crisis situations, because now I'm in a state where I truly am fucked. Since magnesium glycinate was a trip blocker for me (wasn't sure at first until confirming it later) I definitely wasted quite a lot there alone... Fuck. <edited out comments about sourcing online - SMod>
 
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BourbonMac said:
Damn I guess a friend of mine who was supposed to make more DMT said he probably won't for months which... could be bad. It's one of the only things that I feel has kept me going, kept me stable and able to put off thoughts and ideas of suicide more often, and I'm down to basically one or two last trips. I know it doesn't take that long to make, he made his first batch in like a week and a 2nd batch in even less. Some people can make the shit in a day or hours even. I'm just pretty concerned, because of the MRI doesn't find anything then I might truly lose it and have nothing to fall back on, it could really be it. This just comes as a massive surprise to me, I mean we hung out last week and he said he'd make it any day and now he's saying not for months? Everything weighs on the results of my MRI and now I'm even more worried sick over it. I'll admit I didn't have to be doing it as often as I was and should've just been saving it for crisis situations, because now I'm in a state where I truly am fucked. Since magnesium glycinate was a trip blocker for me (wasn't sure at first until confirming it later) I definitely wasted quite a lot there alone... Fuck. <edited out comments about sourcing online - SMod>
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When are you scheduled to have the MRI done, or is it already done and you're waiting for the results?
 
Uhh... June 11th I think? And yeah, my bad about even coming close to bringing up vendors. That's out of the question, I'm not taking that risk. I might as well try and make the shit myself at some point. But most of all, I need to learn that I don't need this shit to survive. It doesn't matter if I have tons of it, I'll always end up going back to where I was before. I've basically become addicted to it on a psychological level because of my ritualistic use of it. It's my fault that I ran out when I figured I'd need it. I probably won't save my last trip just in case the MRI doesn't come back with results, because it won't really matter. Sure, I might feel like I can accept it for a few days, but then I'll be out and I'll have to face the music.

Either way I'm trying acupuncture. I had my first one today, holy shit was it uncomfortable, especially the 3 needles put around my tragus on each ear. The shit just seems completely sketchy to me. All this talk about chi spots, it just sounds so far fetched, yet I've read many anecdotes of it helping people so I guess I just have to find out. I get another one next Monday, and he suggested to get TEN of these things... I don't know, I'll see if I get any results by 5, it's kind of torture. Having to lay there with needles in your wrists, legs, ears, neck, can't scratch your face because the needles are painful as hell. But hey, I'll do whatever, try whatever, my insurance covers it. Anyway sorry to bitch about this DMT shit. I need to get back used to life without tripping all the time.
 
BourbonMac said:
Uhh... June 11th I think? And yeah, my bad about even coming close to bringing up vendors. That's out of the question, I'm not taking that risk. I might as well try and make the shit myself at some point. But most of all, I need to learn that I don't need this shit to survive. It doesn't matter if I have tons of it, I'll always end up going back to where I was before. I've basically become addicted to it on a psychological level because of my ritualistic use of it. It's my fault that I ran out when I figured I'd need it. I probably won't save my last trip just in case the MRI doesn't come back with results, because it won't really matter. Sure, I might feel like I can accept it for a few days, but then I'll be out and I'll have to face the music.

Either way I'm trying acupuncture. I had my first one today, holy shit was it uncomfortable, especially the 3 needles put around my tragus on each ear. The shit just seems completely sketchy to me. All this talk about chi spots, it just sounds so far fetched, yet I've read many anecdotes of it helping people so I guess I just have to find out. I get another one next Monday, and he suggested to get TEN of these things... I don't know, I'll see if I get any results by 5, it's kind of torture. Having to lay there with needles in your wrists, legs, ears, neck, can't scratch your face because the needles are painful as hell. But hey, I'll do whatever, try whatever, my insurance covers it. Anyway sorry to bitch about this DMT shit. I need to get back used to life without tripping all the time.
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Stick with it. Pay no notice to the actual needle prices, or fairy tale science lol, actually our conscious pain threshold and sensitivity varies a lot sometimes I do feel each needle, others hardly.


But if you have a genuine Chinese qualified doctor, trust me the stuff is legit.


The massages they provide too (I always get Accupuncture & massage treatment) are as helpful, it's accuppressure and is so helpful for stress and improving overall sense of wellbeing.


Needs a few treatments though when starting out in a bit of a trough.

2 minimum but it can pay off so quickly still. 4 even better over say 4-6 weeks if possible.


Then would be chance to make a clear assessment of it.
 
He's not chinese but the ratings for him are high, setting is very oriental (music, scent, decor) you can tell the guy knows his stuff. He was so chill.
 
BourbonMac said:
He's not chinese but the ratings for him are high, setting is very oriental (music, scent, decor) you can tell the guy knows his stuff. He was so chill.
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Yes, because I don't assert that a non Chinese practioner can't be real legit.


I just know it's like most trades where any self money motivated sod can qualify and set up practice with nowhere near the proficiency of say for example..

I'm lucky because there are 2, 3 real legit 10 Yr properly trained intuitively experted Chinese Accupuncturists this town.


The massage isn't a cheap thrill extra too. It's adjunct to, equal to the actual needles.

Which for price's sake lol, really do have powerful rewarding action.



But Mac good on you man first. And please give it a fair run too.

Takes time like say but can really transform how you feel, look at, live life for the radically better in time.
 
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BourbonMac said:
But most of all, I need to learn that I don't need this shit to survive. It doesn't matter if I have tons of it, I'll always end up going back to where I was before.
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I think this is the most positive, insightful thing I have ever read from you. Very cool. It's an important revelation to have, and you should try to remember it.
BourbonMac said:
Either way I'm trying acupuncture. I had my first one today, holy shit was it uncomfortable, especially the 3 needles put around my tragus on each ear. The shit just seems completely sketchy to me. All this talk about chi spots, it just sounds so far fetched, yet I've read many anecdotes of it helping people so I guess I just have to find out. I get another one next Monday, and he suggested to get TEN of these things... I don't know, I'll see if I get any results by 5, it's kind of torture. Having to lay there with needles in your wrists, legs, ears, neck, can't scratch your face because the needles are painful as hell. But hey, I'll do whatever, try whatever, my insurance covers it. Anyway sorry to bitch about this DMT shit. I need to get back used to life without tripping all the time.
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I've tried acupuncture once and let's just say it uhhhh wasn't for me LOL (another thing you and I have in common dude!). What happened to me was apparently extremely uncommon??? But pretty much as soon as the needles went in my blood pressure plummeted and I fainted and almost seizured. Now, I do NOT have a needle phobia, not even in the slightest. I have many piercings and many tattoos, I watch whenever I get my blood taken, I am trained in human phlebotomy (taking blood), and in my profession I take blood and give injections to animals hundreds of times a week. Absolutely zero needle phobia, so it was NOT that. It was something to do with the acupuncture needles hitting a nerve or something and causing my body to go in to shock. I dunno, it was like 15 years ago, I can't remember what I read up about it at the time. Maybe someone here knows about it?
 
Yeah it's strange, one of the needles around my right wrist like, instantly caused a headache on the top right part of my head, so it clearly did something funky. Like the feeling was immediate and I don't think it was related to the posture I was laying which was otherwise pretty comfortable. He said he'd use smaller needles next time since these hurt as much as they did, but if they're less effective I might stick with the painful ones. I mean it sucks but I'm willing to give it a shot. I've heard 3 procedures is as little as it's taken for some people on the tinnitustalk forum, how it even helps is beyond me. I don't expect it will, but who really knows? i've had some people try to tell me it's psychological but like, no. If my eardrums physically aren't moving then I can't see how that'd be the case, or how going for runs and showering can help, THC spiking it more, etc. And that aside the fact that it was cured after my sinus surgery last year for over 2 months only to start coming back worse.
 
BourbonMac said:
Yeah it's strange, one of the needles around my right wrist like, instantly caused a headache on the top right part of my head, so it clearly did something funky. Like the feeling was immediate and I don't think it was related to the posture I was laying which was otherwise pretty comfortable. He said he'd use smaller needles next time since these hurt as much as they did, but if they're less effective I might stick with the painful ones. I mean it sucks but I'm willing to give it a shot. I've heard 3 procedures is as little as it's taken for some people on the tinnitustalk forum, how it even helps is beyond me. I don't expect it will, but who really knows? i've had some people try to tell me it's psychological but like, no. If my eardrums physically aren't moving then I can't see how that'd be the case, or how going for runs and showering can help, THC spiking it more, etc. And that aside the fact that it was cured after my sinus surgery last year for over 2 months only to start coming back worse.
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From what I've read you've tried almost everything else possible, so it's worth a try, right??

Did you ever look in to that pilot study that Flinders University are doing for a new form of tinnitus treatment? I shared a link to it in your tinnitus thread. I've been in correspondance with them and they're considering me to be one of their subjects.
 
Well I got some bloodwork back today and found out I'm anemic, have low white and red blood cells as well. Perhaps the anemia is some kind of factor, because lately the tinnitus has been getting worse but so has feelings of fatigue. I could barely stand up at work today and I slept fine. My iron isn't low though which usually causes anemia so Idk what's up. Been referred to a hematologist.
 
BourbonMac said:
Well I got some bloodwork back today and found out I'm anemic, have low white and red blood cells as well. Perhaps the anemia is some kind of factor, because lately the tinnitus has been getting worse but so has feelings of fatigue. I could barely stand up at work today and I slept fine. My iron isn't low though which usually causes anemia so Idk what's up. Been referred to a hematologist.
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Sending some healing vibes your way, I'll be praying your condition is able to be managed properly with the right medical care.
 
Man I hate when my ears actually quiet down and I decide to nap and it's GG. Last few nights since I had the acupuncture they've been the worst they've ever been. I'm always thinking this is the worst it could get but Jesus Christ it's so unbearable at this point.

Thank you though. I wish I could say I didn't feel mega suicidal over it but I do, and the results of my MRI will especially determine my actions from there. Until then I'm getting the acupuncture (which for all I know could've made it worse somehow but I doubt it). The last 2 nights I got stoned the spike was insane, and I hate that, because THC really is like, the only thing that calms me down.

Diazepam no longer does anything for me, it used to, but I haven't felt it in awhile ever since I started taking stuff like Taurine and Zinc which aren't supposed to interact at all. And anyway THC always worked so much better. I was off the Diazepam and went right back on it once the tinnitus began coming back because I was just crazy anxious out of control and unable to accept that not only did it come back but it came back 50x worse than before.

I don't know when I see the hematologist but I'd hope it's sooner than the MRI, I want to get other things figured out before then so I don't put all my faith in it. If the anemia is really why I'm so fatigued, that'd explain a lot. Even despite napping I can barely keep my head up, yet I plan to jog at some point because that's been helping bring my tinnitus down lately for whatever reason. Usually a more intense sprint on and off, although it only helps the left ear the last few days whereas before it helped both and would stay down.
 
Annoying shit, my ears, minus the left were pretty good today. My right ear was dead quiet, but I guess I laid down for too long because in no time it reached max volume from there being literally no sound. I wasn't having a very bad day, I didn't exactly need to nap. I just laid in bed playing something on my phone until I noticed a mild ring. I guess in the future I should sit up because it's the laying position that really helps induce it, leading me to wonder if there's something with my neck or back even that are related. You'd think it'd present sooner if so. I mean I couldn't find any noise in my right ear, it was like the day after 4/20, but that day I only laid down for a brief period out of paranoia. I didn't feel like I was gonna die at work today but I still could've got some better sleep.
 
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Maybe. I know post-surgery on my sinuses last year, I'd get ringing only if I laid back in a specific posture but it'd go away within like a minute of getting up. That posture (laying back against my wall propped up by pillows) does not induce that ringing anymore... it's strange. All I know is that THC never caused any spikes during the 2.5 months after the surgery. Hell it wasn't even causing them the weeks before where I gradually started using again after a 6 month tolerance break. And last night, my ears started ringing LESS after I got high, so I don't get it. Like most of the time it gets worse, sometimes it doesn't change, sometimes it even might get better. Potent flower or dabs will spike them the worst, but then, I've had times where they didn't. So I wonder what THC could have to do with what's going on, even the acupuncturist was like hmm, that doesn't sound like it would've caused this.
 
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BourbonMac said:
Man I hate when my ears actually quiet down and I decide to nap and it's GG. Last few nights since I had the acupuncture they've been the worst they've ever been. I'm always thinking this is the worst it could get but Jesus Christ it's so unbearable at this point.

Thank you though. I wish I could say I didn't feel mega suicidal over it but I do, and the results of my MRI will especially determine my actions from there. Until then I'm getting the acupuncture (which for all I know could've made it worse somehow but I doubt it). The last 2 nights I got stoned the spike was insane, and I hate that, because THC really is like, the only thing that calms me down.

Diazepam no longer does anything for me, it used to, but I haven't felt it in awhile ever since I started taking stuff like Taurine and Zinc which aren't supposed to interact at all. And anyway THC always worked so much better. I was off the Diazepam and went right back on it once the tinnitus began coming back because I was just crazy anxious out of control and unable to accept that not only did it come back but it came back 50x worse than before.

I don't know when I see the hematologist but I'd hope it's sooner than the MRI, I want to get other things figured out before then so I don't put all my faith in it. If the anemia is really why I'm so fatigued, that'd explain a lot. Even despite napping I can barely keep my head up, yet I plan to jog at some point because that's been helping bring my tinnitus down lately for whatever reason. Usually a more intense sprint on and off, although it only helps the left ear the last few days whereas before it helped both and would stay down.
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Jogging will help in more ways than one, and it's so good that it helps quiten your tinnitus for a bit.
 
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