• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

number said:
Hi,
I'm done. I have access to unlimited amount of tramadol, different kind of benzos, and alcohol naturally. I've got pretty high tolerance to all of those. I just want to go to sleep and continue somewhere else.
Do you think that 4000mg tramadol, 300mg diazepam and 1L of vodka is sufficient amount to do go? I don't want to survive in vegetable state or with some severe brain injury.
Click to expand...
I feel you so desperately. I agonise waking from peaceful sleep sometimes. If death is sleep, then maybe it is solace. We don't know, we wonder could another life be worse than this? We become absorbed in our hell so much so, that we don't open our mind to this. I think it would be a tremendously gruesome way to go. Please listen to our words, share another conversation with another human on here. Another being in the same world of pain as you. I take your hand and bless you, I send you the love of my heart, love which I sustain for any being in pain such as the pain I know. Find some solace in the unity with your fellow souls, We need not lose the fight today. Tomorrow is pure uncertainty. We are used to seeing repetition, but one day a cycle will break in some small way. We have no idea how delicate our situations really are, it takes only a small thing to set a positive feedback loop into motion. Every day we survive, our chances of health are increased. The more you try, the more likely you are to win. Remind yourself of the hope that sustained you all up to this point. This spark still glimmers, the love in our hearts is still glowing, clouded by an opaque and thick darkness. Search deep inside, for love. There is love, love for life. Love for those passed, love for strangers. Love is the antidote to this hell. We are unlucky beings, in an unfair place. This is true, but do not hyper fixate on the pain. We are programmed with our disorderly brains to hyper fixate on the negative, but your conscience knows better than this. Everyday we survive, just distract ourselves a bit. Anything to see out another day, please try to see out another day at least for me. I will try myself also. These disorders we possess, we were born with. But as something can be disorderly, it can be reorganised and made orderly. Science perseveres whilst we sit idle, our cures may only be days, weeks away. Hold out in the probable future of cure. We will rejoice once again, fulfil our long lost and ravaged desires, with all the ferocity and joy that we anticipated. We have to stop taking the weight of tomorrow on our shoulders today and do what we must, to survive. Please hold on my friend, I don't want to lose you. One day we can be the reason some other suffering soul can find peace, we can help others suffering. Please stay. You are needed here, there is a plan for all of us. I wish I could give you a hug, and you could forget your suffering for a short while.
 
Hmm could I have possibly stumbled upon a place to let out/share my living hell? Welp going for it. I know there is so many people so much worse off then me. My own father loves to remind me of that in the most hurtful ways. These last few months though it made me come to the realization it is not ok to compare other people's pains and misery in such a way to cause you're self to feel bad for being depressed. Besides he's truly just a fucking asshole anyways and like most just doesn't seem to understand me. I also learned to stop blaming everyone else and my past on my current situation. Not denying that my past has definitely played a significant role in a lot of my issues I've been dealing with. Nor am I not saying something's could of been better had people been they're aswell as somes actions and choices could of made a difference. More or less I've just come to realize it's pointless atleast for me and the people that were and were not there. Just don't have the energy for it and they can live with it I have for far to long. So my boohoo poor me started and stemmed from my earliest memories of parents fighting dumb ass father getting beer muscles and my mother promptly kicking his ass. We moved around a lot and one of the times we were going to stay in Florida leaving ny which I can't even tell you how many times we made that move xD but yea I ended up getting a bug bite on the back of my head which got infected and grew into a mass I'd say around the size of a softball. Had to be somewhere around 5 or 6 years old cause I do not recall ever going to school without the dread and anxiety that came with it. Not that I recall going to school when it was still there but rather after the traumatic experience of my drunk father coming home while I was laying on the couch and sitting on me which ripped the damn thing off o good times good times. But yea left a huge scar on the back of my head which also included having to wear a net on my head to hold a gauze in place for I can't even remember how long felt like years. Before all this I was a anxious shy kid. Now starting school no friends no stability I had a huge target right on my head to draw attention to me unwanted attention. I'm sure most know how cruel other kids can be. So I won't get to much into all that. But yea parents eventually split up and me being a dumb kid ended up being mad at my mother for it when he was the POS drunk who was suppose to get me and my sister on the weekends and always promised he would but always canceled last minute cause he was in a band blah blah. My mother was pretty out there mental health wise aswell. Severe migraines she would sleep most of the time. So I was alone most of the time other then my little sister. She's really been the only consistent person who was good to me. I mean besides early teenage years she knew how to throw me into a absolute rage xD. Had 2 surgeries to reduce the size of the scar last one I had when I was 11 woke up high on morphine lovely compared to the first waking up feeling like someone was trying to scalp me. Mom ended up leaving me and my sister with our great grandma for what she says was only a year but felt longer idk. She got her lpn license during that time and met the guy who would become my stepfather. That was a major adjustment for me I was already self harming at age 9 and his presence just infuriated me more. At that time I realized how much hatred I had inside of me I hated myself and I hated everyone else. Hated when I was younger my mother and father would leave me behind realized and felt that is what everyone will do to me. Learned today actually more like realized that I have a lot of rejection issues lol. I was on the road to becoming a little serial killer or some shit the age I was at the time obsessed with death and inflicting pain on anything.i could. My stepfather was a sarcastic ass hole who would be mean in his own way but out of all the adults in my life I'm glad he was there. Love that man well once I learned sarcasm haha. Skip ahead a little 14 started hanging out with older ppl going to father's occasionally playing drinking games he remarried stepmother was cool just a little out there. Then they would get so drunk he started hitting her black out drunk rage getting all up like he was going to come for me. Use to scare the hell outta me. But yea when in highschool I decided I did not want to live past 21 and hung out with a dude like 3 or 4 years older he got me robbing houses and someone I considered a friend's father's Percocets and morphine patches. I was easily pushed into things I never felt comfortable doing alwayss as angry and hateful as I was and my horrible feelings towards people my anxiety and fear was just as strong. This dude introduced me to so many drugs then got me working with him for this sick old child molester who gave us oxy 40s think I was 17 at the time. Easy gig dude was a dog breeder I even ended up living there helped me stick up for myself since it was either get groped or put the ass in his place. Welp fast forward I turned 18 dropped out left old dudes house flew to live with my mother in Florida for a couple months b4 coming back to NY. That's when I met my future wife. Being afraid of abandonment rejection and thinking I deserved nothing and still planned on offing myself I broke up with her so many times when we first started dating I was such a ass. We ended up having my first daughter pretty early on. Like holy fackin hell what's going on how did she convince me of this xD I hated kids never wanted any. I was blown away by my little girl tho. But being the dumb young person I still broke up with her mother a few times after that. We always ended up back together she never gave up on me she never rejected me for my problems she saw someone something inside me I never knew was there. We had our second child few years later my first lil boy. Was a lot for me but shes a natural who always wanted kids which eventually rubbed off on me because now I absolutely love and adore babies lol. Then bathsalts hit went through that somehow survived. She never did any drugs or alcohol until much later in life. Her mother was savagely cruel true definition of a narcissist. But after the bathsalts at some point alcohol the one thing that caused me so much pain growing up the one thing I swore I'd never let take me like so many on my father's side got me. Wasn't so bad first few years we had another girl then another boy. I've been on antidepressants and all that on and off since I was about 10 and my mother would get Zoloft samples from where she worked and gave them to me. So last 3 or 4 years me and my wife were together I was on meds trying to figure my shit out was able to get my doctor to cycle me through all the big benzos her brothers stayed with us allmost beat him bad while drinking I was just losing myself in depression I've been suicidal my whole life worse with booze obviously. But yea was so busy getting drunk I didn't even notice she fell out of love those last 4 years yet stuck around trying to get through to me. We had our issues b4 I had a lot of trouble expressing myself and she always jumped to conclusions and wouldn't let me find what I would be trying to tell her so I guess I gave up. So she finally gave up on me. Broke up became a stripper. It's been 3 or 4 years now she's moved on she's tried to be my friend she has tried alot for me. Not saying she hasn't done a lot that's caused me a lot of pain but most of it is unintentional. I'm still very much I love with her she loves me but not in the same way. I completely understand her reasoning. We had many good years together truly b4 I hit the vodka that was the only time in my life I recall being happy. I lost so much of my anger and hatred gained patience and love. I just turned to that damn booze for my depression anxiety and all the stress and pent up emotions I did not understand. I should of turned to her more I always thought she would be there that we would grow old together all stuff that I had no intentions of doing. I took her for granted. All these things I never wanted became things I do not want to live without. I have done nothing but try to change and get better ever since and always failed. I have failed at pretty much everything my entire life. Can't really think of anything that I haven't. She was is so much better looking then me people always asked why she was with me I had no idea. She gave me so much and I managed to mess it all up. This past year I gave up been staying with my father thought it was ok since he turned his life around but nope he was doing meth again took about 2 weeks of me being back b4 I gave in and started my selfdestruction shit didn't even make me feel good ever since bathsalts stims we're meh we were using everyday for months I stopped seeing my kids talking to her. O months b4 the meth I oded on h and fentnyl took 5 shots and 2 nasal sprays to bring me back pissed me off wasn't intentional but I couldn't imagine a more perfect way then not knowing at all. But yea never went back to drs after that started meth again was also prescribed 2 types of Adderall Lexapro 30mg mirtazipine 45mg and can't remember what else. He got tough with me one day I had a mental breakdown flashbacks of when he would drink and break shit he thought I was overreacting so he found it fine to make fun of me for it. Went on for another month or so b4 I turned to my sister and told her we needed to get off the shit so had her get a hold of other family to handle my father without him knowing I threw us under the bus. He's only acted tough once since the incident till I reminded him I am far from afriad of him he only got away with what he did because of my breakdown. But all through that withdrawal depression was horrible I decided to just stop taking all my meds aswell. Last month b4 we quit I was having body spasms chest pain back pain arm numb then all limbs would start to go numb. Pretty sure I had a mild heart attack idk. But quitting all my meds at once I really thought would finish me off but nope. Been over a month still here still have a weird heartbeat and my one and only friend finally talked me into going to my doctor. The one thing meth did do was help me off alcohol I can no longer drink without liver pain and severe depression and I just do not enjoy it anymore. Being off my meds even tho should of done it in a safe way has left me more clear headed then I have been in so long. The way I went about that I do not know how I'm alive I had seizures and all that. My father was well aware of everything I was doing and experienceing but he thinks I'm stupid and do not know what my body is going through and honestly I counted on it cause I wanted to die. But longer I've been off all that more control of feelings plus kratom has done wonders for my mood and emotional control I can talk to her again the kids again I still have really bad days and I can say things out of pain that I do not mean it's a reflex from so much rejection but I'm seeing that now and working on it. I doubt we will ever be together again which makes me feel that I will never be happy again but I did it to myself and I can't make her feel bad for any of it. This is all just the surface of so much more I know I'm leaving out so much and if you actually made it through all of it well damn lol. First time I've ever attempted putting all of me out they're don't even do that in therapy haha thanks for reading michaels talk laterrr
 
There was only a very brief time in my entire life we're I thought maybe this misery and hate could possibly be replaced with something positive. But no like any positive experiences I've had in my life it was temporary only thing that's ever been constant is my hatred of even exsisting in such a hell next chance I get for the big sleep il be sure no one can find me
 
Dedicated to a Friend that passed away due to Suicide/Incarceration/being given the wrong medicine


One of my Childhood Friends, I grew up with hung himself in jail. I heard he was smoking and using the drug k2 which on the street he was using everything from H, Crack, K2 and whatever he could get his hands on.
I remember this family sued and won the case against the Prison he was in.
There was a Suicide note (But people believe he didn't write it). I feel bad some very bad stuff happened one including me taking his beating (trying to play the peace maker) I got hit 6 or 7 times in the face with Brass Knuckles then a Butcher Knife held to my throat (Yea shit was intense). He & my other friend ran and hid behind the trees and watched me get his beating. I don't hold a grudge over that, I forgive him. He never was truly diagnosed correctly. Now, looking back at my age compared to my Teens. I get it. He also stole cars and had me in them without telling me (which we all know is NOT cool).
Point is, I forgive him. I never truly got to say that to him. We were only just young & dumb kids.

He called his Father and warned him (This is the last time you will speak to me he said) "they're going to kill me in here" & so unfortunately he was right.
This killed his Family as much as his Death.

I tried to call and say my Condolences but they hung on me instantly. They relocated and his sister still thinks I'm a horrible person because in High School I was the first one to use OxyContin and Opiates (That reputation always haunted me).

All I could say to him now is "I forgive you, I love you Bro we were just young kids and I wish you just would have called me you know I was always here for you and I love you)

Make amends with you're Friends before it's too late . you never know what this crazy life could bring.

R.I.P M.K.E
 
I don't need support, but thought I'd keep the thread burning.

Having battles with lots of 'kill myself' type thoughts today. Always such a drag. It's pleasantly autumnal and windy today. So stuck my head out the window for a few minutes, closed my eyes, and breathed in all the fresh air. Feels better.
 
Lost 15k gambling,girlfriend has cheated on me in the past, my mother is one of the biggest whores in town, lost everything i owned because my brother put ketamine all over my clothes, he also put it in my drink and it fucked me up for a years, I still have bad problems from it, and now my child that hasn't been born yet has something wrong with it and doctors don't think he will make it, I'm borderline retarded now from the ketamine, used to be a smart student and great athlete, my life is so horrible i don't think I can hang on any longer, what's the point in suffering everyday like this? everyone would be better off without me.
 
number said:
Hi,
I'm done. I have access to unlimited amount of tramadol, different kind of benzos, and alcohol naturally. I've got pretty high tolerance to all of those. I just want to go to sleep and continue somewhere else.
Do you think that 4000mg tramadol, 300mg diazepam and 1L of vodka is sufficient amount to do go? I don't want to survive in vegetable state or with some severe brain injury.
Click to expand...
This may be a late reply to this post but I would seriously reconsider this and ingesting the cocktail of drugs you just mentioned and this goes out to anyone out there considering doing something similar. There's a VERY high possibility you'll wake up with kidney/liver failure which means you risk losing both your kidneys and or liver if your body is not strong enough to take the hit. Also it will permanently damage parts of your body. You may even risk an amputation if you wake up in an awkward position which may lead to gangrene in either a leg/arm. This is an extremely stupid option. I wouldn't even consider it an option at all. You will absolutely regret it for the rest of your life if you survive and you most likely will because you said it yourself. You have a high tolerance to all those drugs mentioned therefore the possibility of surviving this cocktail is high, and you will certainly regret it.

Edit: Missed reading your latest post. I'm glad you changed your mind!
 
Last edited:
Nurse Ratched said:
Unfortunately no. I look for him back all the time. I hover over his username frequently to see if it's still been March since he logged on and it has.

I know you and he shared many pm's about his problems as he did with me as well. He liked us both very much. You know what he was planning and I fear that he went through with it. Can't think of any other reason that he would abandon BL because he was addicted to it like the rest of us.

I miss his contributions and I miss his PM's.
Click to expand...
Oh no, I really hope this isn't true. I loved his contributions and discussions with him were always a learning experience.
 
number said:
Hi,
I'm done. I have access to unlimited amount of tramadol, different kind of benzos, and alcohol naturally. I've got pretty high tolerance to all of those. I just want to go to sleep and continue somewhere else.
Do you think that 4000mg tramadol, 300mg diazepam and 1L of vodka is sufficient amount to do go? I don't want to survive in vegetable state or with some severe brain injury.
Click to expand...
I wouldn't answer that since anyone can survive anything technically, but please don't even try. Whatever is going on, it can change and get better. You are valuable and worth the life that you've been given. Please, stay.
 
I want to kill myself because weed does not work on me due to some injections I was forced to take by psychiatry. Apart from that life is chill because I dream a lot
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top