TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[n3ophy7e]

Be blessed you,your child,your loved ones.That's a wonderful new.I remember,when you was in late pregnancy.Really glad about you

Thank you so much, that is so kind of you!

 

[AutoTripper]

I have barely ever actively "considered" suicide in my life. I have pondered, mused the matter, practically, morally, ethically and above all spiritually.

It's just never been on the table. I'm not saying it is now, but I will need an extra extra miracle to live now. I've seen thoudands on this path already.

I don't want to live, be alive, be conscious with such an extreme unbearable level of PTSD.

Just fighting like F to secure physical survival. Covid can just take all the plaudits now, the rest of life is just wallpaper and surrpund sounds.

It's just trauma extreme. I have a tough mind but I can't handle it. I don't want to live.

And I'm so close too physically to beong where I needed to be, months ago at least, even one fortnight, to have made a go of it.

Last 5 days I have used 20-25 mg's Etizolam daily, 9ver 100 grams Kava, 4 to 5 grams cannabis, because it's been a hell of a week, entirely literally no figure of speech, I had such a battle and scrap.

Kava doubles benzos too, and vice versa. So that's effectively like 500 mg's upwards Diazepam equivalent just to pass the hours.

That alone is insane. I have had to suspend LSD use as the direct physical nerve damage from multiple long Covids has made LSD intolerable and insufferable, physically.

I could use a good trip too. It's always picked me up, but it would be the worst tine on planet Earth in this condition. I did take nearly 47 mg's of if though in 14 months from 25/01/21 and plenty over a lifetime so it's fully run it's cou4se anyway and honestly would be no issue without Covid tech.


This isn't a cry for help or support. I need a genuine miracle. I believe on miraclles, and fate.

I'm all done here though. I am managing regular allergies to get washed first time in 3 or 4 days (shower, allergies are treated 24/7/365) to visit a nearby Church and request prayer.

I would pray except I've no idea WHO to pray TO??

But I have seen miracles, through prayer.

I've nothing to lose. I will consider suicide if I can't see a chance though. It will be the necessary thing to do, not one tiny bit out of weakness or just giving up though.

Such a serious spot this Covid shit has landed me in.

 

[xaddictx]

I just had a newborn son, so I have to have faith that there is hope for the future, for him
But you also have to remember that there have been countless other times in history when things were really horrible and seemed dire, wars, poverty, pandemics, terrorism, natural disasters, famines, etc. But life always goes on. What's happening in Ukraine is horrific but it will pass, and you will be okay.

Congrats on your new addition! Thats so awesome

 

[n3ophy7e]

Congrats on your new addition! Thats so awesome

Thank you so much!!

 

[stardust10]

would pray except I've no idea WHO to pray TO??

I've begged and begged and begged god before.... they can kiss my arse. They've never helped. If God is real and has any power or influence over anything then they must just be really cold-hearted cause just look at the world. Just for the records I do believe in something (agnostic?) I suppose I should be thankful...have been keeping a gratitude diary but I'm having a rough time and can't enjoy ANYTHING. I'm on holiday ATM as well and all I can think of is how to die. I am aware at how illogical my brain is making me - I'm in emotional pain/confusion but can't seem to change it at this moment in time. Think my family enjoying themselves with alcohol is pushing me over the edge as I really want to relapse but I feel obligated not to so I'm not the big failure again and drag everyone down worry my mum etc. I'm very lucky to have a loving family but I just don't want to be alive or at least not me
I'm away to paint my happy face on again...
Also sorry for moaning when in comparison my situation could be a lot worse and I really hope a miracle happens for u @AutoTripper I'll have my fingers and toes crossed for u

 

[Robi]

your family is lucky to have you for caring, wish you felt better and its never really moaning, pain is relative, sure some have it worse, but doesnt mean you dont hurt, that gratitude journal sounds like a good thing, and that something that you perhaps believe in believes in you, as do i,caring for yourself isnt as easy as it is to care for others, but i wish you would, you are a miracle for lifting others

 

[AbbeyLee]

I just had a newborn son, so I have to have faith that there is hope for the future, for him
But you also have to remember that there have been countless other times in history when things were really horrible and seemed dire, wars, poverty, pandemics, terrorism, natural disasters, famines, etc. But life always goes on. What's happening in Ukraine is horrific but it will pass, and you will be okay.

How lovely hehe. Reminds me of when I had my daughter (21 years ago!) I kept crying just looking at her. I'm pretty much ready to be a grandma now and that thought has kept me going through some awful s#it. I want to meet that little critter!!

All the best to you and your little boy

Abbey x

 

[AbbeyLee]

Also sorry for moaning when in comparison my situation could be a lot worse

Moan away. I do know how you feel with alcohol around you and people having a good time, when all you want to do is crawl under a rock (preferably *with* the alcohol).

I've never been much good at putting on a happy face but it's a brave thing to do. Then you can always vent here

Abbey x

 

[n3ophy7e]

How lovely hehe. Reminds me of when I had my daughter (21 years ago!) I kept crying just looking at her. I'm pretty much ready to be a grandma now and that thought has kept me going through some awful s#it. I want to meet that little critter!!

All the best to you and your little boy

Abbey x

Thank you so much Abbey! xx

 

[AutoTripper]

I've begged and begged and begged god before.... they can kiss my arse. They've never helped. If God is real and has any power or influence over anything then they must just be really cold-hearted cause just look at the world. Just for the records I do believe in something (agnostic?) I suppose I should be thankful...have been keeping a gratitude diary but I'm having a rough time and can't enjoy ANYTHING. I'm on holiday ATM as well and all I can think of is how to die. I am aware at how illogical my brain is making me - I'm in emotional pain/confusion but can't seem to change it at this moment in time. Think my family enjoying themselves with alcohol is pushing me over the edge as I really want to relapse but I feel obligated not to so I'm not the big failure again and drag everyone down worry my mum etc. I'm very lucky to have a loving family but I just don't want to be alive or at least not me
I'm away to paint my happy face on again...
Also sorry for moaning when in comparison my situation could be a lot worse and I really hope a miracle happens for u @AutoTripper I'll have my fingers and toes crossed for u

Hey, thanks. ☺

I am also always happy to hear a "moan", so no sorries needed there. I encourage it, expression of the heart.

All I really do actually is moan, but I dress it up by nature with humourous twists and personally I feel my moans are very valid too lol.


I can relate completely to what you say here.

I try my best to keep faith. Telling myself forever, if there is any point in this game there absolutely needs to be some sort of ultimate supreme benevolent divine.

I still can"t accept this though. Okay, we NEEDED this exoerience hurt and pain.

Maybe we did bad things, before?

So life is the god given correction facility!

Now if I was some Almighty powerful loving God, creator of everything surely limitless power and ability and choice to design things from the ground up...


There's no way I would Factor into this scheme no allow such extreme levels of horrendous pain torment suffering and sorrow!

Like, is there really no other better way of doing this?

Was I presented with the choice of ceasing to exist or or taking on these challenges and burdens in life?

Even that completely sucks in terms of concept but regardless, I clearly must not have appreciated quite what I was getting myself into because simply ceasing to exist all together genuinely seems like the most appealing proposition I can personally imagine like it's better than euthanasia which we can't even bloody access the c****

If our pets reached this stage, it would be deemed inhuman to deny them relief, dragging life on so uglily.

So I have some big questions about this. Personally, Im convinced our "creators", masquerading "Gods" are a nefarious freelancing race who keep firm permanent watch of us, realky hold every string & card, who not that long ago fully reset current humanity after a mudflood extinction event, possibly way more, late 1700's.

Deserted Earth, repopulates with the current bioligically engineered subset of humanity. Way shorter life spans, weaker immunuty, dismally reduced mental faculties and level of consciousness on the whole.

Very easy to control manipulate and keep watch of this flock down here. I imagine the previous generations may have stirred up up slightly too much bother so we need it modifying further to keep things easier and more predictable.


History has been shockingly falsified but very cleverly so.

It (we) all started here, early 1800's




I believe this, and so so much more too, it's just too much for the programmed masses to entertain, by design.

And this is just one small layer in time. Back to my example about how us clever people meddled with various animal breeds resulting in some of them having her difficult way of life for purely selfish gain.


We brutally murder cattle and chickens after subjecting them to a miserable hellish life we force feed geese to make you know what.


I wonder who they pray to?


I have many questions not that's fine actually that's interested because it's a piss take that we have to rack our mortal brains so much we should just all share the truth if god is so bloody f****** great there would be no no evil, and no hell for me I don't even want the Demons to feel pain because I do not want pain to exist they just need to be banished or Vanquised.

Fundamentally though why the hell is this supreme loving creator allowing these twats god knows what form they actually take to be controlling creating and destroying our lives cyclically according to their own god given free will?

Sit back, enjoy the show God y don't you? I ask again.


I'm losing my track now. It's been a hell of 24 hrs.

But I have figured some crucial things out and I definitely have a shot here. Just so hard forever, every time in the deepest catch 22 ditch. Physically I mean.


I have been taking ivermectin because I needed to do something desperately about these fresh long covids and the unbearable nerve damage.

It's interesting stuff and has done a lot to massively improve my general respiratory infection symptoms which have been much easier to manage since.

I also stopped feeling really sick for the first time since I broke my back in September.


I'm taking a course of prescribed vibrational homoeopathy which works magic and really will remedy my problems it just takes time and suffering in the process such is healing.


I have made brilliant progress actually healing the hemorrhoids caused by the original Covids which have been been the greatest bane of my existence ever for over 6 months at least of true torture that no human should have been able to manage and just survive I swear.


A few weeks ago before I began this homoeopathy and the ivermectin there is no way I could possibly have lived for very long at all and it was worse then on anything I could describe just to be conscious.


The past week I have achieved an extraordinary amount of healing repair detoxification but it's been so arduos exhausting painful in the process.

After so so so much already.

My mind and nerves long ago broke, then to extra degrees last week.

Hence PTSD plus.

Underneath, sure progress.


However. Im allergic to nearly everything in some way. Even if it does general wonders, I need it, always a sting in the tail.


Ivermectin has a very powerful anxiolytic effect similar to benzodiazepines but actually more effective for myself and also so massively calms down the nervous system and studies discovered in past that ivermectin directly stimulates healing of damaged nerves as well.


It was tested and indicated as being extremely beneficial for me generally recently.


But. It interferes with my bowel movements lots of supplements and remedies and foods have this effect I must be so careful we have have two valves in our colon on the lower left side is the ileocecal valve which is the most important one and is effectively like a tap which can be mechanically closed, by allergy, infection or stress.

It became clear to me since yesterday that the ivermectin for all of the genuine benefits it has has provided is causing my ileocecal valve to shut there for not allowing waste to leave the intestines.


So this has been flaring up my hemorrhoids but only relatively mildly and only really on the outside for such a long time the fistures were were everywhere inside like a volcano but not any longer!


I have identified this now. But I was not mentally prepared nor physically equipped to handle another round of torture the last 24 hours when I was very close to physical relief but desperately needing some healing for PTSD and trauma.


Earlier I wax in such a wretched physical state, unable to sleep still, just unbearable hit fiery innards like aggressive rats burrowing out.

Nauseaous, in body pain, too weak to be upright, unable to sit or lay down.


I flipped into the severest mental trauma state ever. I just wished to die. Withiut pain, trauma and further consequence.



It's better! I did well again. Proactive, mountain scaling.

I feel sick, depressed, all sorts. But I may have a shot here. After all.

 

[AutoTripper]

@iTry91 really sorry ofc you are so down. On holiday too.

Keep trying though. I am. I have not stopped, yet.

I've waded though remarble swamps and pits. Real hell.

But I may get out of it. Why I fight! If I do, never giving up, somehow keeping some soet of trust, and then I must acknowledge all along the way they have been uncanny assistances from what I call the universe.

Keep on girl, long as you possibly can.

Grow that spirit. You never know, you may see a far brighter day.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey, thanks. ☺

I am also always happy to hear a "moan", so no sorries needed there. I encourage it, expression of the heart.

All I really do actually is moan, but I dress it up by nature with humourous twists and personally I feel my moans are very valid too lol.


I can relate completely to what you say here.

I try my best to keep faith. Telling myself forever, if there is any point in this game there absolutely needs to be some sort of ultimate supreme benevolent divine.

I still can"t accept this though. Okay, we NEEDED this exoerience hurt and pain.

Maybe we did bad things, before?

So life is the god given correction facility!

Now if I was some Almighty powerful loving God, creator of everything surely limitless power and ability and choice to design things from the ground up...


There's no way I would Factor into this scheme no allow such extreme levels of horrendous pain torment suffering and sorrow!

Like, is there really no other better way of doing this?

Was I presented with the choice of ceasing to exist or or taking on these challenges and burdens in life?

Even that completely sucks in terms of concept but regardless, I clearly must not have appreciated quite what I was getting myself into because simply ceasing to exist all together genuinely seems like the most appealing proposition I can personally imagine like it's better than euthanasia which we can't even bloody access the c****

If our pets reached this stage, it would be deemed inhuman to deny them relief, dragging life on so uglily.

So I have some big questions about this. Personally, Im convinced our "creators", masquerading "Gods" are a nefarious freelancing race who keep firm permanent watch of us, realky hold every string & card, who not that long ago fully reset current humanity after a mudflood extinction event, possibly way more, late 1700's.

Deserted Earth, repopulates with the current bioligically engineered subset of humanity. Way shorter life spans, weaker immunuty, dismally reduced mental faculties and level of consciousness on the whole.

Very easy to control manipulate and keep watch of this flock down here. I imagine the previous generations may have stirred up up slightly too much bother so we need it modifying further to keep things easier and more predictable.


History has been shockingly falsified but very cleverly so.

It (we) all started here, early 1800's




I believe this, and so so much more too, it's just too much for the programmed masses to entertain, by design.

And this is just one small layer in time. Back to my example about how us clever people meddled with various animal breeds resulting in some of them having her difficult way of life for purely selfish gain.


We brutally murder cattle and chickens after subjecting them to a miserable hellish life we force feed geese to make you know what.


I wonder who they pray to?


I have many questions not that's fine actually that's interested because it's a piss take that we have to rack our mortal brains so much we should just all share the truth if god is so bloody f****** great there would be no no evil, and no hell for me I don't even want the Demons to feel pain because I do not want pain to exist they just need to be banished or Vanquised.

Fundamentally though why the hell is this supreme loving creator allowing these twats god knows what form they actually take to be controlling creating and destroying our lives cyclically according to their own god given free will?

Sit back, enjoy the show God y don't you? I ask again.


I'm losing my track now. It's been a hell of 24 hrs.

But I have figured some crucial things out and I definitely have a shot here. Just so hard forever, every time in the deepest catch 22 ditch. Physically I mean.


I have been taking ivermectin because I needed to do something desperately about these fresh long covids and the unbearable nerve damage.

It's interesting stuff and has done a lot to massively improve my general respiratory infection symptoms which have been much easier to manage since.

I also stopped feeling really sick for the first time since I broke my back in September.


I'm taking a course of prescribed vibrational homoeopathy which works magic and really will remedy my problems it just takes time and suffering in the process such is healing.


I have made brilliant progress actually healing the hemorrhoids caused by the original Covids which have been been the greatest bane of my existence ever for over 6 months at least of true torture that no human should have been able to manage and just survive I swear.


A few weeks ago before I began this homoeopathy and the ivermectin there is no way I could possibly have lived for very long at all and it was worse then on anything I could describe just to be conscious.


The past week I have achieved an extraordinary amount of healing repair detoxification but it's been so arduos exhausting painful in the process.

After so so so much already.

My mind and nerves long ago broke, then to extra degrees last week.

Hence PTSD plus.

Underneath, sure progress.


However. Im allergic to nearly everything in some way. Even if it does general wonders, I need it, always a sting in the tail.


Ivermectin has a very powerful anxiolytic effect similar to benzodiazepines but actually more effective for myself and also so massively calms down the nervous system and studies discovered in past that ivermectin directly stimulates healing of damaged nerves as well.


It was tested and indicated as being extremely beneficial for me generally recently.


But. It interferes with my bowel movements lots of supplements and remedies and foods have this effect I must be so careful we have have two valves in our colon on the lower left side is the ileocecal valve which is the most important one and is effectively like a tap which can be mechanically closed, by allergy, infection or stress.

It became clear to me since yesterday that the ivermectin for all of the genuine benefits it has has provided is causing my ileocecal valve to shut there for not allowing waste to leave the intestines.


So this has been flaring up my hemorrhoids but only relatively mildly and only really on the outside for such a long time the fistures were were everywhere inside like a volcano but not any longer!


I have identified this now. But I was not mentally prepared nor physically equipped to handle another round of torture the last 24 hours when I was very close to physical relief but desperately needing some healing for PTSD and trauma.


Earlier I wax in such a wretched physical state, unable to sleep still, just unbearable hit fiery innards like aggressive rats burrowing out.

Nauseaous, in body pain, too weak to be upright, unable to sit or lay down.


I flipped into the severest mental trauma state ever. I just wished to die. Withiut pain, trauma and further consequence.



It's better! I did well again. Proactive, mountain scaling.

I feel sick, depressed, all sorts. But I may have a shot here. After all

Please stop taking ivermectin if it's making you physically sick.

I'd like to hear more about the homoeopathy you're doing. I'm glad you're getting some relief.

 

[AutoTripper]

Please stop taking ivermectin if its making you physically sick.

It isn't that. There are a billion everday commodities regarded safe as houses that would kill me in just a few days, make me very sick.

The ivermectin s not making me sick it has genuinely helped my immune system to combat general respiratory infection as well as intestinal infections and many symptoms have improved also so the nerve damage and NS agitation.

It just comes with with the unavoidable caveat for myself personally where it has that side effect of of inhibiting the flow of waste through the ileocecal valve hence causing substantial constipation which I really cannot afford while I continue to heal the most severe hemorrhoids imaginable.


I genuinely feel I have actually benefited and gained a foothold here by having taken it at the right time.

It just took me too long to realise that it was also causing me constipated, had I figured this out 2 days ago I honestly think I'd probably be relatively okay right now.

I just did not have any energy or mental coping capacity to Rideout such another intense cycle of endurance and management overnight and this morning unexpectedly.


I won't take anymore now, I'm pleased I did though, except for yesterday only.



Also, I HAVE to reduce my drug intake. 25 mg's Etizolam, doubled by kava, is....

Don't know how to put it! Bad behavior.


I took about 18 mg's ONLY yesterday.

I'm looking to lower this. 10 mg's daily, still a wild amount, is actually very sustainable and like a cup of coffee a day. Ground zero!

Kava too. 100 grams plus is wild. 50 is more than most need, can manage.

60-75 is my target range now.

 

[stardust10]

@Robi @AbbeyLee @AutoTripper thanks you so much. I really mean that and I appreciate it a lot ..more than words. I'm feeling a little bit better so far after I went hiking. Robi ur message this morning helped me get there.
Thanks for letting me moan and for the support @everyone. And I hope that one day I can genuinely be as empathetic and helpful as you guys. I'm not good with words or something. I'm always here though if anyone's struggling.
Take care anyone reading, we can do this x

 

[Nas47]

You are good with words or something

 

[AbbeyLee]

@Robi @AbbeyLee @AutoTripper thanks you so much. I really mean that and I appreciate it a lot ..more than words. I'm feeling a little bit better so far after I went hiking. Robi ur message this morning helped me get there.
Thanks for letting me moan and for the support @everyone. And I hope that one day I can genuinely be as empathetic and helpful as you guys. I'm not good with words or something. I'm always here though if anyone's struggling.
Take care anyone reading, we can do this x

No worries mate

I think it's always harder being the vulnerable one than the empathetic one. When things are bad with me I find it hard to even get online sometimes. It takes a lot of strength to show vulnerability.

It's always good to have a moan! I have a few close friends online and there are times I'm really struggling through something and what helps is thinking how I'll word it to them

 

[AbbeyLee]

Hey, thanks. ☺

I am also always happy to hear a "moan", so no sorries needed there. I encourage it, expression of the heart.

All I really do actually is moan, but I dress it up by nature with humourous twists and personally I feel my moans are very valid too lol.


I can relate completely to what you say here.

I try my best to keep faith. Telling myself forever, if there is any point in this game there absolutely needs to be some sort of ultimate supreme benevolent divine.

I still can"t accept this though. Okay, we NEEDED this exoerience hurt and pain.

Maybe we did bad things, before?

So life is the god given correction facility!

Now if I was some Almighty powerful loving God, creator of everything surely limitless power and ability and choice to design things from the ground up...


There's no way I would Factor into this scheme no allow such extreme levels of horrendous pain torment suffering and sorrow!

Like, is there really no other better way of doing this?

Was I presented with the choice of ceasing to exist or or taking on these challenges and burdens in life?

Even that completely sucks in terms of concept but regardless, I clearly must not have appreciated quite what I was getting myself into because simply ceasing to exist all together genuinely seems like the most appealing proposition I can personally imagine like it's better than euthanasia which we can't even bloody access the c****

If our pets reached this stage, it would be deemed inhuman to deny them relief, dragging life on so uglily.

So I have some big questions about this. Personally, Im convinced our "creators", masquerading "Gods" are a nefarious freelancing race who keep firm permanent watch of us, realky hold every string & card, who not that long ago fully reset current humanity after a mudflood extinction event, possibly way more, late 1700's.

Deserted Earth, repopulates with the current bioligically engineered subset of humanity. Way shorter life spans, weaker immunuty, dismally reduced mental faculties and level of consciousness on the whole.

Very easy to control manipulate and keep watch of this flock down here. I imagine the previous generations may have stirred up up slightly too much bother so we need it modifying further to keep things easier and more predictable.


History has been shockingly falsified but very cleverly so.

It (we) all started here, early 1800's




I believe this, and so so much more too, it's just too much for the programmed masses to entertain, by design.

And this is just one small layer in time. Back to my example about how us clever people meddled with various animal breeds resulting in some of them having her difficult way of life for purely selfish gain.


We brutally murder cattle and chickens after subjecting them to a miserable hellish life we force feed geese to make you know what.


I wonder who they pray to?


I have many questions not that's fine actually that's interested because it's a piss take that we have to rack our mortal brains so much we should just all share the truth if god is so bloody f****** great there would be no no evil, and no hell for me I don't even want the Demons to feel pain because I do not want pain to exist they just need to be banished or Vanquised.

Fundamentally though why the hell is this supreme loving creator allowing these twats god knows what form they actually take to be controlling creating and destroying our lives cyclically according to their own god given free will?

Sit back, enjoy the show God y don't you? I ask again.


I'm losing my track now. It's been a hell of 24 hrs.

But I have figured some crucial things out and I definitely have a shot here. Just so hard forever, every time in the deepest catch 22 ditch. Physically I mean.


I have been taking ivermectin because I needed to do something desperately about these fresh long covids and the unbearable nerve damage.

It's interesting stuff and has done a lot to massively improve my general respiratory infection symptoms which have been much easier to manage since.

I also stopped feeling really sick for the first time since I broke my back in September.


I'm taking a course of prescribed vibrational homoeopathy which works magic and really will remedy my problems it just takes time and suffering in the process such is healing.


I have made brilliant progress actually healing the hemorrhoids caused by the original Covids which have been been the greatest bane of my existence ever for over 6 months at least of true torture that no human should have been able to manage and just survive I swear.


A few weeks ago before I began this homoeopathy and the ivermectin there is no way I could possibly have lived for very long at all and it was worse then on anything I could describe just to be conscious.


The past week I have achieved an extraordinary amount of healing repair detoxification but it's been so arduos exhausting painful in the process.

After so so so much already.

My mind and nerves long ago broke, then to extra degrees last week.

Hence PTSD plus.

Underneath, sure progress.


However. Im allergic to nearly everything in some way. Even if it does general wonders, I need it, always a sting in the tail.


Ivermectin has a very powerful anxiolytic effect similar to benzodiazepines but actually more effective for myself and also so massively calms down the nervous system and studies discovered in past that ivermectin directly stimulates healing of damaged nerves as well.


It was tested and indicated as being extremely beneficial for me generally recently.


But. It interferes with my bowel movements lots of supplements and remedies and foods have this effect I must be so careful we have have two valves in our colon on the lower left side is the ileocecal valve which is the most important one and is effectively like a tap which can be mechanically closed, by allergy, infection or stress.

It became clear to me since yesterday that the ivermectin for all of the genuine benefits it has has provided is causing my ileocecal valve to shut there for not allowing waste to leave the intestines.


So this has been flaring up my hemorrhoids but only relatively mildly and only really on the outside for such a long time the fistures were were everywhere inside like a volcano but not any longer!


I have identified this now. But I was not mentally prepared nor physically equipped to handle another round of torture the last 24 hours when I was very close to physical relief but desperately needing some healing for PTSD and trauma.


Earlier I wax in such a wretched physical state, unable to sleep still, just unbearable hit fiery innards like aggressive rats burrowing out.

Nauseaous, in body pain, too weak to be upright, unable to sit or lay down.


I flipped into the severest mental trauma state ever. I just wished to die. Withiut pain, trauma and further consequence.



It's better! I did well again. Proactive, mountain scaling.

I feel sick, depressed, all sorts. But I may have a shot here. After all.

Hey @AutoTripper

You write well. My "ADHD" (just short attention span thanks to living online and being a dope fiend) has prevented me reading it all, but I'll get there. I might even be able to help with your existential dilemma/crisis a bit

--Abbey x

 

[Robi]

Hey, thanks. ☺

I am also always happy to hear a "moan", so no sorries needed there. I encourage it, expression of the heart.

All I really do actually is moan, but I dress it up by nature with humourous twists and personally I feel my moans are very valid too lol.


I can relate completely to what you say here.

I try my best to keep faith. Telling myself forever, if there is any point in this game there absolutely needs to be some sort of ultimate supreme benevolent divine.

I still can"t accept this though. Okay, we NEEDED this exoerience hurt and pain.

Maybe we did bad things, before?

So life is the god given correction facility!

Now if I was some Almighty powerful loving God, creator of everything surely limitless power and ability and choice to design things from the ground up...


There's no way I would Factor into this scheme no allow such extreme levels of horrendous pain torment suffering and sorrow!

Like, is there really no other better way of doing this?

Was I presented with the choice of ceasing to exist or or taking on these challenges and burdens in life?

Even that completely sucks in terms of concept but regardless, I clearly must not have appreciated quite what I was getting myself into because simply ceasing to exist all together genuinely seems like the most appealing proposition I can personally imagine like it's better than euthanasia which we can't even bloody access the c****

If our pets reached this stage, it would be deemed inhuman to deny them relief, dragging life on so uglily.

So I have some big questions about this. Personally, Im convinced our "creators", masquerading "Gods" are a nefarious freelancing race who keep firm permanent watch of us, realky hold every string & card, who not that long ago fully reset current humanity after a mudflood extinction event, possibly way more, late 1700's.

Deserted Earth, repopulates with the current bioligically engineered subset of humanity. Way shorter life spans, weaker immunuty, dismally reduced mental faculties and level of consciousness on the whole.

Very easy to control manipulate and keep watch of this flock down here. I imagine the previous generations may have stirred up up slightly too much bother so we need it modifying further to keep things easier and more predictable.


History has been shockingly falsified but very cleverly so.

It (we) all started here, early 1800's




I believe this, and so so much more too, it's just too much for the programmed masses to entertain, by design.

And this is just one small layer in time. Back to my example about how us clever people meddled with various animal breeds resulting in some of them having her difficult way of life for purely selfish gain.


We brutally murder cattle and chickens after subjecting them to a miserable hellish life we force feed geese to make you know what.


I wonder who they pray to?


I have many questions not that's fine actually that's interested because it's a piss take that we have to rack our mortal brains so much we should just all share the truth if god is so bloody f****** great there would be no no evil, and no hell for me I don't even want the Demons to feel pain because I do not want pain to exist they just need to be banished or Vanquised.

Fundamentally though why the hell is this supreme loving creator allowing these twats god knows what form they actually take to be controlling creating and destroying our lives cyclically according to their own god given free will?

Sit back, enjoy the show God y don't you? I ask again.


I'm losing my track now. It's been a hell of 24 hrs.

But I have figured some crucial things out and I definitely have a shot here. Just so hard forever, every time in the deepest catch 22 ditch. Physically I mean.


I have been taking ivermectin because I needed to do something desperately about these fresh long covids and the unbearable nerve damage.

It's interesting stuff and has done a lot to massively improve my general respiratory infection symptoms which have been much easier to manage since.

I also stopped feeling really sick for the first time since I broke my back in September.


I'm taking a course of prescribed vibrational homoeopathy which works magic and really will remedy my problems it just takes time and suffering in the process such is healing.


I have made brilliant progress actually healing the hemorrhoids caused by the original Covids which have been been the greatest bane of my existence ever for over 6 months at least of true torture that no human should have been able to manage and just survive I swear.


A few weeks ago before I began this homoeopathy and the ivermectin there is no way I could possibly have lived for very long at all and it was worse then on anything I could describe just to be conscious.


The past week I have achieved an extraordinary amount of healing repair detoxification but it's been so arduos exhausting painful in the process.

After so so so much already.

My mind and nerves long ago broke, then to extra degrees last week.

Hence PTSD plus.

Underneath, sure progress.


However. Im allergic to nearly everything in some way. Even if it does general wonders, I need it, always a sting in the tail.


Ivermectin has a very powerful anxiolytic effect similar to benzodiazepines but actually more effective for myself and also so massively calms down the nervous system and studies discovered in past that ivermectin directly stimulates healing of damaged nerves as well.


It was tested and indicated as being extremely beneficial for me generally recently.


But. It interferes with my bowel movements lots of supplements and remedies and foods have this effect I must be so careful we have have two valves in our colon on the lower left side is the ileocecal valve which is the most important one and is effectively like a tap which can be mechanically closed, by allergy, infection or stress.

It became clear to me since yesterday that the ivermectin for all of the genuine benefits it has has provided is causing my ileocecal valve to shut there for not allowing waste to leave the intestines.


So this has been flaring up my hemorrhoids but only relatively mildly and only really on the outside for such a long time the fistures were were everywhere inside like a volcano but not any longer!


I have identified this now. But I was not mentally prepared nor physically equipped to handle another round of torture the last 24 hours when I was very close to physical relief but desperately needing some healing for PTSD and trauma.


Earlier I wax in such a wretched physical state, unable to sleep still, just unbearable hit fiery innards like aggressive rats burrowing out.

Nauseaous, in body pain, too weak to be upright, unable to sit or lay down.


I flipped into the severest mental trauma state ever. I just wished to die. Withiut pain, trauma and further consequence.



It's better! I did well again. Proactive, mountain scaling.

I feel sick, depressed, all sorts. But I may have a shot here. After all.

i feel you when you express yourself, care for you so much

 

[AutoTripper]

i feel you when you express yourself, care for you so much

I feel you when you READ.

I think honestly too. These phenomena are real.



So yes. Briefly. I was bang on. Ivermectin, def worked some real advance.

But closing that valve.

I didn't take any on Saturday and it was over that night and into Sunday morning where I experienced absolutely zero discomfort or apprehension from hemorrhoids at all.


So my attention was swung to the level of suppressed PTSD Sunday morning and i flipped into quite some state.


Ivermectin, it's interesting I have experience with lots of drugs and especially anxiety and nervous conditions and damages also the huge benzodiazepine management strategy, Kava.

My body could literally be no more GaBA'D up.

But one Ivermectin pill, calms me for over half a day.



2 tablets Sunday. In temporary inner turmoil again, external piles burning again, no sleep or energy.


None today. Finally, easy movement. No pain. Phew.

Just exhausted extreme and NS damage, chaos, needs time too.


But the danger of the piles, minisculed. Not even a danger now.

 

[AutoTripper]

People!

It was correct. What I posited yesterday. Just keep my head, I would see "tomorrow", "today" now lol.

And on paper, it would begin infinitely easier.

I had deduced for certain the necessary remedy.

Ceasing the ivermectin.

Okay it put me through extra strides I wasn't ready for.

No regrets though. It's really worked some magic.

I believe I can recover and heal from the literally "abysmal" state the nasty nerve attacking Covids put me in.


I stopped believing this! I was genuinely mentally preparing to die, very spiritually.


I did this! Yesterday evening. Like a drill, rehearsal. But as if maybe for real, ofc hoping not. But trusting, remarkably.

Because my NS was in high Nervous shock state from unbearing stress. I felt....unwell!

Well, I pulled through.

Haemorrhoids eased off entirely, by 24 hours after last ivermectin tablet.

I only mini slept 2 hours after food.

Very cained, had shower, more weed, more kava.



So much so, my head spins atm. Suddenly can't keep thoughts clear. My body and mind have been pushed too long, so I need rest. I'm approaching that maybe.

It's kind of vital too for recovery from such an exhausted state.

But I ate a meal, needed to, without FEAR of horrendous haemorrhoid backlash.

And it has been okay too!

Must somehow bed down now.


Thanks everybody for caring.