• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

hope you're feeling somewhat better. reddit can be really toxic too in my experience. definitely try to disconnect yourself from the negativity over there if you can.

Audiobook said:
Now I’m too broken for anyone who is not garbage (which is what I am).
Click to expand...

you're certainly not garbage - those guys are, not you. think of how strong you have to be to still be fighting even after all that. sounds nothing like at all garbage to me
 
Hahaha being a chemist would be very fulfilling indeed. Unfortunately only pharmaceutical companies get to play around in that field for now.

What sort of job would you like to have, if I may ask?
 
Audiobook said:
Psychiatrist tbh.

And I meant clandestine chemist...so basically one that does illegal shit...IDK, it’s a fantasy so it’ll probably never happen but whatever...

Fuck drug laws and the war on drugs tbh...hail Uncle Fester...

I know some will laugh at this but fuck them...idc because they don’t do shit for me anyways so they’re irrelevant to me.
Click to expand...
Well given how many laws Pharma companies break in a way it is clandestine lol

psychiatry would be cool. Unfortunately it seems to be very out of touch at the moment, at least when it comes to drug use

have you considered going to school for something like that?
 
Audiobook said:
Psychiatrist tbh.

And I meant clandestine chemist...so basically one that does illegal shit...IDK, it’s a fantasy so it’ll probably never happen but whatever...

Fuck drug laws and the war on drugs tbh...hail Uncle Fester...

I know some will laugh at this but fuck them...idc because they don’t do shit for me anyways so they’re irrelevant to me.
Click to expand...
whats up with uncle fester i dont get it but heres a song abouu chemestry and they use uncle fester,

is it a book?
 
i understand ppl are depressed and suicide is very prevlent in 2020 but i wish ppl would wait, we all cant go out like that in 2020 turning them into a satistic, im not one to judge anyone state of mind financial position ect , it just fucking sux, my nephue and cousin died this year OD but we couldn't have a funeral for them cuz off covid, l im fucked in the head to fantasize and romanticize about death/ scuicide off and on my whole life,
hang on ppl hopfuly it will get better and sometimes it get worse b4 it gets better,
and sometimes life sux and someones got it worse
hang on my ppl ✊
 
Audiobook said:
Like basically I’m retarded trash so IDK why I assumed any relationship with someone decent would work out lol.

I’m stupid tbh.
Click to expand...
No you're not stupid, you're trying your best to have a good life even though you have depression and drug problems. I'm exactly the same way. Sometimes it seems like everything I touch turns to shit, and now I wonder why my wife is still with me, or what my kids think of me. I've always told them I have psychiatric,and substance abuse issues but that doesn't make up for the binges or crazy pie in the sky plans I come up with. I like this thread because it reminds me I have 2 kids growing up with an alcoholic father just like I grew up with an alcoholic mother. So yeah, I need to do the best I'm capable - and sometimes that's not much - for my wife and kids. Seriously, in surprised I've lasted this long, if I didn't get married and start a family, I didn't think I would live this long.
 
Audiobook said:
I just resent being born to working class immigrant parents from Latin America tbh...like why couldn’t I be born a rich American kid so I could...IDK, be actual hipster trash instead of pretend poor af hipster trash...
Click to expand...
i didnt know u are a immigrant, i think that's cool, but id rather have be poor with a good heart than mad money and a shit hear/ personality, ive always gotten along with " minorities" im white ive ways been an outsider, a mexician dude was one of the first person to be nice to me when i got onto the pod in jail, and a black cell mate, " anything u want kid im my box just ask, nicest cellie ive had, very respectfull,
i think ur a nice person, sometimes the struggle is real but helps shape us, i cant compare my struggle to an immigrant i can only image, but i beleve immigrants are strong as fuck all the bull shit they been through to get here and the shit from the idiot privileged raicest assholes that live here, i enjoy talking to u stay strong ✊😊
 
some things have taken a turn for the worst and my decisions have caused a snowball effect to make the worst things exponentially worse. i relapsed a couple days ago. i have enough downers to take me out of this world it could be so simple. 100+mg clonazolam, a few hundred mg of ambien, 50mg klonopin, grams on grams of gabapentin, phenibut, ive got the things needed. why continue. i quit. hope does not exist, only an illusion of how things could maybe get better but it's illusory. im my own worst enemy, cant even look at myself in the mirror. cant take care of myself, cant eat, cant sleep, cant do my job at my full capacity. i am at such a low point, surprised i made it this far. fuck existence fuck money fuck drugs fuck it all. id rather just be nothing, energy gone from this plane of existence and onto the next. or it's all a black nothingness which sounds great too. sounds like a win win. i dont care who it would affect, thats how fucked in the head i am. selfish, greedy, impatient, impulsive, demons that have been lingering for years, no end in sight to those demons. im a horrible horrible person inside. i do nothing but cause problems for me and everyone around me. it'd be a favor to the universe

EDIT update: think im gonna take 120mg of MDMA to boost my spirits. If i had acid on hand id take a tab, maybe i have some layin around here ill look.
today ive taken: 40mg adderall, 1mg klonopin, 1mg clonazolam, 400mg gabapentin. Not much sleep, the mdma could very well put me in cardiac arrest but fuck it that would fullfill the plan i guess
 
Last edited:
Cudi said:
some things have taken a turn for the worst and my decisions have caused a snowball effect to make the worst things exponentially worse. i relapsed a couple days ago. i have enough downers to take me out of this world it could be so simple. 100+mg clonazolam, a few hundred mg of ambien, 50mg klonopin, grams on grams of gabapentin, phenibut, ive got the things needed. why continue. i quit. hope does not exist, only an illusion of how things could maybe get better but it's illusory. im my own worst enemy, cant even look at myself in the mirror. cant take care of myself, cant eat, cant sleep, cant do my job at my full capacity. i am at such a low point, surprised i made it this far. fuck existence fuck money fuck drugs fuck it all. id rather just be nothing, energy gone from this plane of existence and onto the next. or it's all a black nothingness which sounds great too. sounds like a win win. i dont care who it would affect, thats how fucked in the head i am. selfish, greedy, impatient, impulsive, demons that have been lingering for years, no end in sight to those demons. im a horrible horrible person inside. i do nothing but cause problems for me and everyone around me. it'd be a favor to the universe
Click to expand...

I know words can ring hollow when you feel like this, but please try and keep your head up. You will always be your own worst critic, and although I don't know your story, we all have one and it can get overwhelming at times. Know at least that you are not alone. Feel free to message me if you would like someone to vent further to in private. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I will move your thread over to the Suicide Support thread in this forum, there are plenty of Bluelighters that have been where you are and come out the other side alright so please dont give up hope!
 
dropping the mdma right now, will be in company of friends and seroquel + benzos will be on deck in case things get dicey , wish me luck
 
deficiT said:
I know words can ring hollow when you feel like this, but please try and keep your head up. You will always be your own worst critic, and although I don't know your story, we all have one and it can get overwhelming at times. Know at least that you are not alone. Feel free to message me if you would like someone to vent further to in private. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I will move your thread over to the Suicide Support thread in this forum, there are plenty of Bluelighters that have been where you are and come out the other side alright so please dont give up hope!
Click to expand...
Im not giving up just yet but the molly comedown could be dangerous
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top