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I think this is the beginning of the end for me...

Symmetrical Daze

Symmetrical Daze

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 22, 2002
Messages
842
Location
US
Right now, my heart is in pieces, my brain not properly working.
(the next point is not the main point it is background)
I've been in graduate school, but failing one class and all the others are borderline.

OK my girlfriend who I love, since June; everything going fine. Only got to see her about 3x/ week cause of grad school. But we have good sex life, things seemed ok, maybe slightly distant lately.

My phone rings. its from her. but she accidently called. i heard her talking to a guy. i listened for 15 minutes and by that time i could understand that they were in a relationship and she was trying to downplay me, and say shes not with me anymore, you can trust me , etc. like shes forming a relationship. she said some nasty and untrue things about me.

well i wont get into the details, she came over after i nicely asked, had a few nice moments but she wouldnt give me the truth i know it, so i tried to grab her phone, she fought me not to, but eventually got it, got the guys # and then threw her phone. it broke. i feel bad for this.

Its like i love her and hate her at the same time. she said i was acting 'bipolar' and thats kind of it. one second i was trying to say sorry and console the situation and the next i was yelling and calling names. she was scared. then left.

i was having mental trouble before this like depression issues. but i tried not to let it interfere with our relationship. i just feel so horrible. not really guilty about acting out cause what she did was fucked up, but just, wish i could talk to her, but i dont know what to say. she told her dad i drug her around and shit, but she was holding onto her purse. so she lied to them.

I honestly am considering suicide but i'm always thinking of that, and thinking i should wait and only do it if something serious happens. in this case it wouldnt be just cause of her and all the other failed relationships, but just that life is so shitty and i hate getting up every morning, i dont like being alive. i'm not going to do it so dont focus response in that way. things would have to be worse.

but i am stuck. finals are here but i'm unable to think. its so shocking. i got distant from friends. feel like i have no one now... its so hard. i need someone intimate to talk to i've depended on that, with all my stress. i dont talk to them about my problems much , its just the comfort of having someone there.
 
I understand. I know what it feels like to really need somebody to talk to.
Right now what you're feeling is probably a mixup of feelings along with depression.
You just overheard your girlfriend possibly forming a relationship with another guy but ALSO speaking false words about you.
This alone would cause anybody to be hurt, upset and filled with mistrust and anger. The fact that you're also depressed just adds to all the misery and could definitely trigger thoughts about suicide. Whenever something goes wrong with my relationship, unfortunately, its the first thing I consider because I feel its "all I have." And then you lose that person to talk to, that relationship. Even if it is built on mistrust its like you don't even care because the person being there alone was enough.
Maybe I'm not giving you much advice, but I just wanted to let you know I understand what you're feeling.
 
Yeah, intense hurt... I need to be with her. I've been on verge of suicide before this happened.

I need help. I'm dying inside. I really want to end it all. So much pain.
 
I rarely post, but your thread really makes me feel like you need as many hands on your shoulders as you can get, buddy. First off, you have to understand that your depression is going to warp everything you feel. You can feel it wont, but it'll eat away at your subconcious, and so you have to make sure to take absolutely everything with, say, a few handfuls of salt over a pinch.

I get exactly where you're coming from, and I know it's never easy, and never good to be in this situation. As much as you can try to justify to yourself or try to ignore it, you have to face up to the fact that couples in which one partner cheats do not survive. Everything you did was perfectly justified. She absolutely destroyed your trust, and then in a desperate attempt to save face, tried to cover it up to you. Sure, you broke her phone, but she broke your heart. Fuck her, a phone can be repurchased the same day, a heart takes time to heal. Don't feel bad about it for a second, she sounds like she was lucky to have you and that she'll realise her mess-up in a while.

Suicide is a very, very heavy thing to think about. It's really just not something that is a good response to most problems, and look at where you are. You're in grad school, obviously a good enough of a guy to be able to get those intimate connections with people, and seem like you have a damn decent head on your shoulders. Yes, it hurts right now. Hell, you probably feel like vomiting every time you think about it. Let her go, realise that she'll regret it soon, and crush those courses. Times like these are when you find out who your true friends are, you can share those secrets with them and not have to be afraid of their response.

Keep holding on, bud. People always come and go, the only constant is the self. :)<3
 
That's rough man...I would hate to find that out through some random phone call mistake.

Are you willing to take the time to get into contact with the friends that you have become distant from? Having people to talk to is helpful for any kind of emotional experience. If you can be open about your suicidal thoughts, talking about them may be able to diffuse them.

Pain only lasts so long, if you give yourself the time to feel how you need to feel. It's okay to feel sad, lonely, angry. If we don't let ourselves feel these things then we may spend a lifetime running away from them.

So hang in there <3
 
Trust me, what we can feel one moment or year, we can feel the opposite the next. Life is difficult for most people, that is part of life... but we move on. Those who are always happy and never deal with problems will have life bite them in the ass sooner or later. Those who work toward becoming healthy and drug-free (unless they actually need a med etc.) will still deal with hard times but it will get SO much better eventually. As a teen I didn't realize how important every aspect of health is. Education, healthful food, social interaction, exercise, sleep, the more of it you do properly, the better it'll get (I don't follow any of my advice :/ ) It's a long wait and not everyone does get better. I must insist, getting healthy in every way will have a much more pronounced effect than getting healthy in even all but one way.
I wish you luck <3

p.s. this isn't just some BS "I know you'll get better" post... ugh ;)

Dexedrine coming on...
Some people have strange views on drugs (every drug skews my understanding of drugs and how they affect me), so, just putting it out there, if you do ANY drugs recreationally (yes, 'herb'), it can worsen things, slowly... slowly... the fact that marijuana can't kill you will mean nothing when you realize it's potential to cause serious damage. Psychedelics are the other class I want to talk about. Even hofmann and his buddies realized it was too dangerous to be used as medicine. The potential for it to affect you negatively is far greater than the potential for it to affect you positively... and for a looong time. But if you want to play russian roulette I can't stop you. You may get lucky :P

<3
 
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Sounds like she is cheating on you plus you say she lied to her parents which makes her a liar. What it there to lose with her? She isn't worth the time of day if she treats you this way. Move on. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Get laid.
 
hey BL. I'm really thinking about ending it now. I just am tired of life so much. i dont want to go to a gym or do anything. my schoolwork is piled up and i just cant do it. just want to talk to her but she wont. i thought we were going to get married.

so close to saying fuck everything in my shitty life... this is it. what else can i do. i have no energy, heartbroke, this is so clear to me though... it starts to feel good, like nothing matters or nothing will matter, when getting close to accepting those dark thoughts about ending it.

dont try to track me, i'm not saying i am for sure. i wouldn't do it without writing notes to everyone i care about first and that will take some time. starting it now just in case.

once again this isn't mainly about a girl who fucked me over. this is about a life that is a pain in the ass. this is about not caring anymore. i've suffered depression for 13 years, half my life. and even as a kid things weren't right. i just don't have the right brain and drugs made things worse.
 
Symmetrical Daze said:
hey BL. I'm really thinking about ending it now. I just am tired of life so much. i dont want to go to a gym or do anything. my schoolwork is piled up and i just cant do it. just want to talk to her but she wont. i thought we were going to get married.

so close to saying fuck everything in my shitty life... this is it. what else can i do. i have no energy, heartbroke, this is so clear to me though... it starts to feel good, like nothing matters or nothing will matter, when getting close to accepting those dark thoughts about ending it.

dont try to track me, i'm not saying i am for sure. i wouldn't do it without writing notes to everyone i care about first and that will take some time. starting it now just in case.

once again this isn't mainly about a girl who fucked me over. this is about a life that is a pain in the ass. this is about not caring anymore. i've suffered depression for 13 years, half my life. and even as a kid things weren't right. i just don't have the right brain and drugs made things worse.
Click to expand...

So why don't you live life as though you have died?
 
im gay. im 20. i got used again......the guy was 48........I think jan 1st my birthday Illl dedicate my body to


I have little time to live...I feel like im already dead.......too many pills whatever
 
Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it. Tonight I went somewhere to be alone for a while, and really think. It got rough, that jagged feeling in my chest of tense anxiety, the emptiness; not just acute from the breakup, but over all these years similar feelings, similar letdowns. I put a barrel to my head to see what it felt like. wasn't the first time i've done that, but haven't for years. loaded gun, just 5 pounds of force to activate trigger and its the end. i realized i'm no where near ready to take that big of a permanent step.

i want to die in a way, cause i want the pain to stop. but i won't be doing it myself.

i'm hoping for better days but cant picture it yet.
 
Hey SD,

It's good to hear you are not ready to make that permanent decision yet. Especially to something that is without doubt temporary.

For me I am in a bad mental state meaning I am depressed , down, broke seemingly in a failed relationship(marriage). I am on meds which are not helping me at the moment with my Bipolar, and I am cycling through up and down severely.

Again these problems are all temporary These i dunno, situations, i guess I am in are by no means pleasant but in some sick way I am almost wallowing in them.Kinda like if you can't beat em join em. I am coming around to the idea (today anyway/these last few hours)of enjoying the pain. I don't want the feelings I am having.( I am not seeing my Psy until Tuesday morning and I have certainly contemplated going and using. I have dismissed that idea though a few hours ago. )but i may as well embrace them and see what I get if I try and analyse them or just allow them to wash over me.

Almost like be outside of myself watching them...I sound full of it. But basically what i am saying is maybe in answer to your question of "don't know what to do" ...Do nothing.

All the best
 
Hey SD- just a little story about myself. I remember when I first started grad school, it was the worst time of my life. That first year of grad school is really tough for everyone. Usually during this time you've just moved to a new place that, when the novelty wears off- can seem forbidding to an outsider. There's always alot of really hard work to do and you're constantly being judged and sized up and all that bullshit. Now add into all that stress some girl problems and it really gets out of hand. The lonliness- I felt that so bad and things weren't working out for me on the girl front either. I was having a really tough time in my classes and just felt like a total piece of shit. I barely made it through that first year, man. But eventually, things got better and I met more people and I actually ended up having a blast and even met a girl I'm still with. I never could have pictured any of that in that first year. I was between the devil and the deep blue sea....
 
Thanks for the encouragement. Its very hard, especially since my program is accelerated- one year long. i failed at least one class. Might get kicked out. I'll give them all the (true) excuses though.

I guess I'm always looking for a quick fix to end my sadness. Not used to feeling so down and ugly. But maybe thats what it will take to feel good again. Like a withdrawal period, followed by being normal. I sure hope that is how it goes for me.
 
Always remember, your well being is more important than school will ever be. If you have to take some time off to get your head together than so be it. You can always go back to school. Have you tried to talk to a counselor at the student health service? I have used them so much during grad school. I wish I still had that to fall back on. Don't suffer alone. Go make your appointment this minute. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
 
Oh man, I can relate all too well to your situation. I've had pretty much the exact same thing happen to me, and I think most people have by the time you're in your late twenties, it's a broken heart and it's hell. Plus the depression magnifies this times a thousand and makes even the simplest things seem impossible to do.
I also understand the feeling of the build up of multiple failed relationships and how it can feel like a huge weight on your shoulders and cloud your vision even more.

As far as the broken heart that's just a rite of passage, I'm sure you've had your heart broken before but most people have one heart break that just changes you forever. I've been there and years later it still hurts at times but it will get better. I know how it feels to feel that life is worthless and not worth the pain and agony of getting up every day or night, I also know how it feels to have gotten help and wake up with a renewed appetite for life, there are so many different ways to treat this. You really owe it to yourself to get some help for the depression that is making you suicidal, even just a temporary break in the clouds of depression can give a person what they need to pull through.

The best advice I can think of is get help with the depression part as soon as possible, meaning today! Or at least call and make an appointment with a counselor or someone. Also try not to use any drugs but particularly weed and alcohol are horrible in these situations, at least for me they were, I can't speak for everyone else.

Think of it this way, it'll hurt for awhile and you'll have to do some work on yourself to get to the other side of this but you will get to the other side. You will feel the opposite in time, but really don't ignore the depression, I did for way too long and I wasn't a pretty picture for a couple years there (still have my days even now, just not as often), I now see I could have prevented so much suffering from addressing the depression issues. The pain will make you stronger, but there is no need to suffer when you don't have to, it sounds as though you've already suffered more than enough and it's time to get the help you need. Prolonged suffering only makes you stronger if you can get through it, there's no glory in needless suffering.

Try and be around friends and family if possible, call them if you need to, you can pm me if you want to. It's very important to have other people around during this time. I wish you the best in getting through this, break ups coupled with depression are hell, you will feel better once you can see that you are better off without this girl, you deserve better. You'll be alright, don't do anything drastic!

Peace.
 
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Thanks for the kind replies. I haven't used the counseling service for this issue because I've been at home staying with my mom for now. I went down today to get some work done. could barely function but it was good to be around people I guess. Very depressed on drive home; no progress since this happened.

I think of suicide every minute, but its just thoughts, i doubt i'd do anything. its just a desire to shut off the pain which is probably normal.

Lots of work to do... cutting down the sub, trying to be more outgoing, finishing up the last 2 class finals which are huge. i just feel so alone. i gave in and messaged her about how i felt, how i forgave her but was hurt and wanted to know why, etc,,, and said there is probably a way to work it out... blah blah. thanks to some xanax i took. if i didnt take that i probably wouldn't have bothered. she responded by blocking me on myspace. it hurt but helped seal the deal.

i keep trying to think of the bad... she wasn't that attractive, she had moods sometimes i wasn't too compatible with... but the good tends to overflow, even though i'm trying to focus on the bad.

Its just so unlikely to find a girl interested in doing psychedelics together like we did twice... it was such a bonding experience. most girls wouldn't be open to that. so it will be very hard to find someone who has her good qualities, and without her secret bad side.
 
When your exams are done, I think you might give the counseling center a shot. You'll be pleasantly surprised I'll bet. I know I was and it really helped me out. Its really hard to feel so alone and not have any help to get through it. What are you studying in grad school?
 
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