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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

I think this is the beginning of the end for me...

Yeah, i do plan on getting some help. i think today is the only day i could say "if she asked to be with me i'd say no despite the pain", although i dont feel much better i've had time for a rational review of the situation.

Studying biology, medical mostly.
 
Symmetrical I know how hurt you must be but this situation WILL make you stronger than you can ever imagine and you have to believe me on that.
It can take a bit of time, sometimes longer, but once you get over this you will enter future relationships with a much more reasonable mindset. Its just bad to have expectations in general like marraige, or that any situation in life will last forever.

I've been in really low spots in my life where suicide was on my mind 24/7 and I'm so glad today I never did it. I mean imagine preparing to go to college and you get thrown in prison instead. Then the entire time your in prison people are trying to take advantange of you because you're also getting clean from drugs and very mentally vulnerable. I got the crap beat out of me, thrown in lock up for it, and on the 9th day tried killing myself. I just can't describe the amount of emotional torment I was in at that time of my life.

I honestly think a lot of times people who attempt suicide are not trying to escape life as in living, but the specific life they are living right now. And I also believe thats why so many people don't succeed at suicide, they don't really wanna die, it can actually sometimes serve as a survival mechanism to get you the attention you need.
I remember getting out of prison like "I can't wait to get back to school and find a girl". I was so ready for the "easy life" and of course I got my heart ripped out my first year out. I was ready to go back to drugs, I was ready to throw the towel in once again, but I was fortunate enough to find a person who took great interest in my situation and helped me turn it around for the better. Grad school is stressful I can imagine, and this is the last thing you need before finals. But something I've realize about life which always helps me now, is when seemingly bad things happen in your life, just don't think about them right now. Its always better to think about it a few months down the road with a more objective mindset. I honestly don't trust my own emotions anymore when bad things happen, and I've been able to detach like that just temporarily till the pain passes. It does help me a lot. And once the pain isn't so fresh you really can look back and see the situation for what it was, which was a terrible reason for anyone to wanna take their life.

You need to focus on yourself and your own health. You trusted someone, and had NO WAY of knowing they would do this to you. Any other person could be in your situation and it says nothing about you as a person. These terrible things in life can either break us or make us. Its the simple fact. And if you don't let it break you, at some point its inevitable it will have helped you out in the long run.
I also study relationships for school and was in the seduction community for 4 years of my life. A lot of the men I saw come into the community were recently divorced/broken up and suicidal. And I cant stress how important it is to fight the impulse to isolate. You NEED to talk to people, women, guys, anyone. You need to realize how many people are in this world and that no one single person is worth feeling this much pain over (except family imo). You will find a better girl with higher morals. Just take this time to work on yourself, don't get into those intense moments of thought that lead you to feeling like shit, ALTHOUGH it is very important to still mourn. Its ok to be sad, but it is NOT ok to ever be angry at yourself. Seperate those feelings and I really believe you can get through this trying time of your life.
 
Suicide would definitely be a big mistake my friend. By the sound of it, you're a young person who's almost done with grad school. That alone is a ton to live for, I mean you have done so much to get to this point in your life and you're gunna throw that all away? I mean, sure your heart is broken and this bitch really fucked you over, but there are so many more girls out there.

You should try dating to get your mind off her and to kind of forget about life for a bit. Try signing up for online dating or something, anything to help you keep occupied. I bet you will find a girl WAY better than that chick, even a girl who wouldnt mind taking vacations with you, helping you with homework or getting as high as a kite.

Really man, there's no reason to end your life at all. I mean, again this is a temporary problem that will heal in time and who knows, maybe eventually you will find the right girl, maybe you will have kids and then life wont be so much about you anymore, but more about your family. Just relax and know that none of this has a chance of happening if you take your life!
 
SD: Lots of good words shared here, listen up!

From one veteran to another, we both know life comes with ebbs and flows. Once we reach those moments where we can't take it anymore, you just have to do whatever it is you have to do to make it one more day.

I personally like meetings, it puts my problems into perspective. Its such a good thing that you are reaching out for help, now its time to find people in your physical environment to lean on. If you are in the PA, NJ area I'd love to meet you.

XOXO huge hugs and sloppy kisses
Cas.
 
Yes, I do appreciate the good words. I wish I could rationally adjust my emotions.

Stuff keeps piling up. Another nasty thing happened today. I'm really getting pushed. I'd say the chances of me committing suicide within the next month are about 5%. High by my standards. I just keep thinking about it, and how difficult life is, and now I am feeling like I'm not attractive anymore. I used to think I was, and I still think I was. But, now I have a reason to think that for sure, that I have lost attractive value. Life is such a drag for me. When in a relationship its easier, especially with someone right which has only been felt at rare times then they break up with me or go crazy or cheat on me. Fuck that. I'm tired of this. I just wanted to be in love. But there must be something wrong with me; like I'm trying to use relationships to cover up the pain of my existence, but then it turns out to cause more fucking pain!

That is what happened today. Basically a nice girl i was chatting with, who saw my profile; i sent her some current pics and it just ended, she tried to be nice. we chatted 13 hours, and on the phone about 3. she sounded like she was looking for a relationship. It felt like a heartbreak again.
 
Another thing I forgot to address; my last gf was cool with using psychedelics with me. This is very rare. how the hell will i ever find anyone to share the amazing spiritual experience of tripping together? i don't want to be with a regular drug user. i guess it didn't mean anything to my ex though since she cheated. really sad, thought it did.

i wonder how easy it'd be to talk the average non-using girl into a rare psychedelic like 4-aco-dmt or 2ci. pretty fuckin slim in my opinion. i feel like i'll never find the right one for me. and i'm not picky, they sure don't have to use psychedelics just be attractive to me and have an ok personality. especially now, i'm semi desperate to be with someone and share love feelings (i honestly want meaningful cuddling more than sex now but that might be thanks to sub).

everything just adds up in my head to "i won't find anyone special". and i never fucking have. i've had moments in love and really happy but like i said the person ends up not being the person i imagined them to be.

btw from the sound of it, i'm getting kicked out of grad school for low grades. fuckin 16k down the toilet, part savings from working shitty jobs, part debt. that alone makes me want to expand my brain onto the wall.
 
In too much of a rush to read every post, as I'm sure this has been said too many times in this thread:

Fuck that shit. Nobody is worth any of that kind of hurt. I hope you forget about this person as quickly as possible. She sounds like a scumfuck.

Sounds like you need to be patient. Rushing into relationships and looking for love will only end you up in terrible spots, and you'll only end up hurting yourself or others.

I'm sure you're a cool dude, you just have to learn how to enjoy yourself before you enjoy the company of others. And don't stress too hard about the grad school shit, just put in what you can, and if it fails, there are endless options.

Edit: I just noticed what you said about feeling unattractive; I used to feel like that all the time after always being extremely confident, and it seems like your lack of confidence is bringing on this terrible desperation to where you feel like you need someone, someone to pay attention to you or notice you. It would really help if you did something to boost your self-esteem: If you get/have tattoos, get some more. Hang out with old friends you're comfortable with who you have no problem talking to. Get some new clothes. Self pity breeds terrible, terrible desperation, and you'll only find yourself depressed and weird. Above all, remember that it's all just in your head.
 
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