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I think I am poison.

ForEverAfter

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 16, 2012
Messages
2,829
Location
interzone
I haven't had a relationship with anyone for almost three years. A while back I had a haircut and it frightened me to realize that it was the closest I had been to a human being for a long, long time. This woman cutting my hair... I love so many girls. I love them silently. Like some kind of creep. I fantasize. I do not inflict myself upon them. Because that - loving them - would be selfish. For my benefit. I hate myself so much. I feel like if I inflict myself upon a woman, I will just destroy her. One day. Like I've destroyed everyone. I don't think I'm unique. I think a lot of people are poison, and they know they are poison. Yet they inflict themselves upon others. I fucking see it.

I've hurt people. Simply by knowing me, people have been destroyed.

Sometimes, I think - maybe - I'm depressed.
 
I haven't had a relationship with anyone for almost three years. A while back I had a haircut and it frightened me to realize that it was the closest I had been to a human being for a long, long time. This woman cutting my hair... I love so many girls. I love them silently. Like some kind of creep. I fantasize. I do not inflict myself upon them. Because that - loving them - would be selfish. For my benefit. I hate myself so much. I feel like if I inflict myself upon a woman, I will just destroy her. One day. Like I've destroyed everyone. I don't think I'm unique. I think a lot of people are poison, and they know they are poison. Yet they inflict themselves upon others. I fucking see it.

I've hurt people. Simply by knowing me, people have been destroyed.

Sometimes, I think - maybe - I'm depressed.
That's a terrible feel and I hope one day you can look past that and realize there is someone for you who will fight through the struggle with you.

I have felt and said many times I am toxic no one deserves the punishment of being with me but I found someone who loves me so much tht no matter how much I do he is right there and believe it or not everytime this get bad and we hurt, when it's over we feel stronger like we accomplished something together and this person would rather suffer with me ever day for the rest of his life than live a single day with out me and my toxic self....

Most of the time I do not feel worlrthy of this kind o love and I try to destroy it but he's still here and I am working on it. I wish I weren't poisonous to everyone to...
 
Bullshit. You are not toxic. You have a mentality that is toxic, but it isn't really you. Looking at a woman and wanting them isn't wrong or creepy.. you are designed to seek out the opposite sex! You are only toxic to another person if you let that be how you are.. you don't have to be toxic :)
 
In what ways have you destroyed other people? I'm curious as to what exactly that means. It seems like an exaggerated sense of your importance in other people's lives - and I don't mean to say you haven't been important to other people, but to destroy multiple people's lives seems to indicate a level of power over their lives that seems extreme.

People hurt each other all the time, but to destroy people seems to indicate a level of egregiousness reserved for the most depraved of rapists, psychopaths and the like.
 
Bashõ Osho said to his disciples, "If you have a staff, I will give you a staff.

If you have no staff, I will take it from you."


And furthermore:

Venerable Gon'yo asked Joshu,
"How is it when a person does not have a single thing?"
Joshu said,
"Throw it away."
Gon'yo said,
"I say I don't have a single thing. What could I ever throw away?"
Joshu said,
"If so, carry it around with you."
 
First, what exactly are you asking? Are you looking for advice? I'm not sure if you're looking for advice on how to change being "poison" or if you're looking for advice to find a girlfriend or if you're looking for help with some self esteem issues? Posting in SLR makes me think it's girlfriend issues but your post doesn't really centre around that.

It is very VERY difficult for one person to "destroy" another person. I have really only see this happen in relationships where one person has the goal of "destroying" the other person. Besides that, maybe you've hurt peoples feelings before. That happens. Don't stress about it. Move on with your life.
I don't feel like any one person in my life could "destroy" me. My boyfriend of 2+ years (who I live with), if he broke up with me, then I'd be pretty upset for a bit but I'd get over it. It wouldn't destroy me. If my family disowned me ... that wouldn't destroy me. So I'm not really sure how you can "destroy" people.

It's also fine to like girls from afar. It's normal. The majority of people have crushes on others but don't say anything. I have definitely had them in the past. Even now, I have small crushes on guys. It is perfectly normal.

It would be great if you could explain what you're asking in more detail so that we understand what you're asking and how we can offer some advice.
 
You guys it is not difficult under certain circumstances to destroy people around you. Haven't y'all ever seen intervention
 
You're not creepy unless you're stalking them. Anyways, you have to work on yourself before getting in a relationship.
 
I haven't had a relationship with anyone for almost three years. A while back I had a haircut and it frightened me to realize that it was the closest I had been to a human being for a long, long time. This woman cutting my hair... I love so many girls. I love them silently. Like some kind of creep. I fantasize. I do not inflict myself upon them. Because that - loving them - would be selfish. For my benefit. I hate myself so much. I feel like if I inflict myself upon a woman, I will just destroy her. One day. Like I've destroyed everyone. I don't think I'm unique. I think a lot of people are poison, and they know they are poison. Yet they inflict themselves upon others. I fucking see it.

I've hurt people. Simply by knowing me, people have been destroyed.

Sometimes, I think - maybe - I'm depressed.

Why would you loving them destroy them OP?
 
In what ways have you destroyed other people? I'm curious as to what exactly that means. It seems like an exaggerated sense of your importance in other people's lives - and I don't mean to say you haven't been important to other people, but to destroy multiple people's lives seems to indicate a level of power over their lives that seems extreme.

People hurt each other all the time, but to destroy people seems to indicate a level of egregiousness reserved for the most depraved of rapists, psychopaths and the like.

doesn't this guy do loads of hallucinogens? op am i right?


well maybe thats where the distorted sense of self importance has come from, combine that with depression and thats where you're at op
 
I haven't had a relationship with anyone for almost three years. A while back I had a haircut and it frightened me to realize that it was the closest I had been to a human being for a long, long time. This woman cutting my hair... I love so many girls. I love them silently. Like some kind of creep. I fantasize. I do not inflict myself upon them. Because that - loving them - would be selfish. For my benefit. I hate myself so much. I feel like if I inflict myself upon a woman, I will just destroy her. One day. Like I've destroyed everyone. I don't think I'm unique. I think a lot of people are poison, and they know they are poison. Yet they inflict themselves upon others. I fucking see it.

I've hurt people. Simply by knowing me, people have been destroyed.

Sometimes, I think - maybe - I'm depressed.

Now now, ForEverAfter I've read enough of your writing to know you are familiar with the concepts of Buddhism. Of Infinite Oneness.

So there is no other question to be asked but who exactly is depressed? If you are in fact poison, who is the you that is poison?

Not the you that writes the way you do, that's for sure. When I read your work I see nothing but beauty.
 
Although I'm familiar with the concepts of Buddhism, I fight against them. That's what life is. Consciousness, isolation, is the opposition of infinity. I separate from the one, by being conscious. Then I return to the one, when I die. Tibetan Buddhism describes life as suffering. Suffering because of identity. We need people to love because, why. We are alone. Because we suffer. I need someone to soothe my pain, because I am in pain. This is what love is. What I mean by honesty is - I am an existentialist. I am a maniac. If life starts to stabilize, I will shatter it. Because it's all bullshit. And we need to be aware of it. It's more important than eating. It's more important than being warm. The truth will always flow through my life like a hurricane, destroying everything in it's path.

So, knowing that, should I adopt a partner?

Should I inflict this hurricane upon others?

People are getting pedantic about language. The word "destroy". I am bad for women. I'll put it that way. I am crazy, unstable, unpredictable. Not in a good fun sort of way. No, because that's selective. People want to be coddled. They want to be lied to. I don't lie to people. In fact, I compensate for the lies; I insist upon the truth.

And nobody really wants that.

doesn't this guy do loads of hallucinogens? op am i right?


well maybe thats where the distorted sense of self importance has come from, combine that with depression and thats where you're at op

Yeah, I do a lot of drugs. At the moment I'm on a combination of : LSA/ psilocybin/ Datura/ DXM and cannabis. But I have moments off drugs too. I just took a five week break from (most) psychedelics. I'm not a crackpot. It's not a delusion.

I can see the impact I have on people's lives. I am a very dark person. I've always been an incredibly dark person. That appeals to some girls. I know that I could get a certain kind of chick because I'm weird and brooding and complex. But then what I do is I pull them down with me. That is what happens. And they become dark. I can't help it. This is what I do. I used to enjoy it. I used to believe in the darkness.
 
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^ Maybe these girls want to become dark? Maybe they see there's a lot of bullshit in life and want to be able to see through it?
 
Oh, jeez, I see that was too vague. I'll try again.

"A man will be imprisoned in a room with a door that's unlocked and opens inwards; as long as it does not occur to him to pull rather than push it."

~Venerable Ludwig Wittgenstein

I think you need Heidegger more than Buddhism. Nietzsche is too subtle, Wittgenstein is all epistemology, and Kierkegaard is not for the faint of heart. Russell is a fake and Derrida is just a word chef. Peter Singer is a total loser, Jean-Paul Sartre is just an author, and Slavoj Zizek is Marx in a t-shirt. Lesswrong and Yudkowsky are pseudointellectuals. Heidegger is exactly what you're looking for. David Foster Wallace is probably second place.

I have opinions about philosophy. Most of them are cheap shots. But your Sorge is broken. Pick up a copy of Being and Time and see if you can't get the gist of it.

And watch this video:

part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5THXa_H_N8
part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSAzbSQqals

EDIT: Oh, this thread is in SLR, not P&S. Uh... same post, only imagine it was sexy.
 
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I've reached out before. If you say, "Nobody loves me," people will re-assure you that: "There is somebody out there for you!" But I'm not seeking re-assurance. It might seem like I am. Because that's what normally happens in this situation. Or whatever. But I'm not. There is no point to this thread. I realize. There is no point to reaching out. I'm reaching for nothing. This situation I find myself in, is not something to be solved. Because I will accept no solution. It is merely a statement. And that statement is: I am alone and will remain alone. So I guess what I'm saying is, poor me. Pity me. But the thing is, I don't want your pity. I don't want anything. Sometimes I feel the need to impersonate a human. I think I should behave this way. Because that is the way humans behave. Really, I think I need to accept the fact that I am not human. And that I cannot have human relationships.

I like your posts, atara. Particularly the last one.

Although, Heidegger's a Nazi. ;)
 
A canoe is worthless to a desert-dwelling person, but to an Amazonian it's useful. How do you perceive women? Why do you want a relationship? I have recently stopped seeing all my close friends, old lovers and new woman purely because I know I can't give them the love they require. But you need love, so fall in love with books, with writing, with something and always know that it's completely fine to be lonely. With your current mindset you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Love yourself.
 
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