devilinthemoon
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 23, 2010
- Messages
- 50
embarrassing first posts. I am already dead it just a matter of times sums it up pretty good.
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For me it was never so much a matter of wanting to die as just wanting the overwhelming and relentless despair to stop - I used to hope I'd go to sleep and simply not wake up.
definitely NOT alone.. i had to skim thru a lot of these posts bc im very close to the edge myself.. but my situation is different.. im a C6-quadriplegic with CHRONIC NEUROPATHIC PAIN.. but thats not the main reason why i want out.. its bc i cant bare to cared for by my ailing mother and aging stepfather.. moms in terrible pain due to ms/artharitis.. its just terrible to watch. i am so dependant on others i just cant take much more of it.. i want to take 50 or 60 norco pills at once, but am afraid i'll live thru it.. my tolerance is not high at all.. but thats my only option right now. i want to say much more, but it really makes my day gray.. i actually put on a happy face day to day.. for my family's sake, not to depress them any more than they are.
i cant believe u delete it as well!! my inner monologue makes me second guess little stuff too, that really shouldn't have to be.. yea, i keep getting the same consensus about norco maybe not doin it.. and the apap "might".. i do understand it could be painful in an able bodied person, but for a quad im thinking i can handle it.. but its still that "if" factor..
but yes, that dependency and burden we feel are very different, but in the same gene pull.. although i really feel for u bc u seem to have a lot goin on up stairs that u cant seem to shake.. in MY mind, i feel it's a "must" that i do this.. only i dont know when. wish i could just put an ad on CL under "gigs" offering $1000 to do the deed.. only bc my arms and hands are worthless. if i was a "paraplegic" instead of quad, i can make something happen, BUT I WOULDNT WANT TOO bc id be much more independent therefore solving my dilema!
anyway, i still cant believe u deleted it! im sure the bluelight servers had enough storage in their hard drive to store ur LONG POST! eh, tried to end it with a funny.
Just out of interest, what software do you use for composing your posts?
i am a c5/c6 quad.. so i have partial use of my arms (right one) no triceps little biceps, but zero finger mobility.. so i have a strap with a pen attached to it and i poke away at keys one at a time.. the term quadriplegic refers to "all 4 limbs" being affected.. but there are higher degrees such as christopher reeves who was a c1 (or c2?) quad with no mobility at all.. that would be funny if i was using voice recog software, and having to say "dot dot dot" everytime i wanted to do...
There's a poster on another messageboard I frequent who has locked in syndrome. He has a tiny bit of movement in one of his fingers but he can't poke at keys, he basically "types" via a programme which runs through the letters of the alphabet on a touch pad and for "normal" communication he uses blinks. He's mentioned in the past that both are extremely tiring for him.
my gawd, i can't begin to imagine how tiring/frustrating that must get for him.. on so many levels! i've watched technology grow quite a bit in these past 10 yrs post injury..
Attitudes have changed a lot too. There's now a massive push here to stop young quadraplegics being placed in nursing homes, which is what tended to happen in the past as they were the only facilities equipped to handle patients needing a high physical level of care.
There's now acknowledgment that the social needs of younger patients can't be met in such settings and a real commitment to purpose built facilities and separate day programmes for younger quads instead of just parking them in nursing homes and expecting them to be content watching old people play bingo every day. Technology will play a huge part in "normalising" life for a lot of those people.