devilinthemoon
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- Oct 23, 2010
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embarrassing first posts. I am already dead it just a matter of times sums it up pretty good.
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I think I am already dead.
- Thread starter devilinthemoon
- Start date
theotherside
Ex-Bluelighter
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Trust me you are not alone..........ever heard the White zombie song off of Astro Creep..>"I'm already dead, I'm already dead">You are venturing into depression...no more. Please stay with us on this planet that is so full of positive people, you just have to learn to look through all the b.s. to see what you really are.........a carbon based unit that will be/has been energy that shines as bright as a star(or a star if you like).
dilated_pupils
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- Jan 13, 2006
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You should do a search under my name in the dark side... I've been on these forums for a long time, although I just started posting a bit again recently, but people who know me here know that I've been down this road a lot of times.
I should have succeeded in killing myself each time I tried. Somehow I survived each time and to be honest I don't regret trying because it made me stronger in the long run but I do not recommend trying it because you may very well succeed if it is your time to go - you will go.
Not only that, but if you fail to commit suicide your life will be so much worse than it was before hand - you will be forced to get help instead of going and getting it yourself voluntarily (which is by far the better way to go about this), and not to mention you can harm your body permanently and have to live with that the rest of your life.
Also, after you try to kill yourself, as it's happening you may want to take it back and you can't. You swallow a bunch of pills and then think to yourself "what the fuck did I just do?!"
Remember killing yourself doesn't just effect you - it effects everyone connected to you whether you believe it or not. Those people in your life who you think don't care about you, well they will be hurt much more than you believe, trust me I've been there.
Life may suck, but there is always another day and I know you've probably heard that a million times, and you probably will hear it another million, but it's so true. You have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
Without feeling pain and sadness in life, how you can respect happiness when you feel it? How can you even know what it is? Those emotions are polar opposites and yet you need both in life to experience each - it makes the world go 'round!
I wish the best for you, and no matter what anyone says you're going to make your own decision, but ultimately I hope you see that life>death by suicide.
People do care about you, people do love you, and people always will. There is a tomorrow and there is love within that day that you need to find, and there will always be love that finds you even when you're not looking for it
-dp
I should have succeeded in killing myself each time I tried. Somehow I survived each time and to be honest I don't regret trying because it made me stronger in the long run but I do not recommend trying it because you may very well succeed if it is your time to go - you will go.
Not only that, but if you fail to commit suicide your life will be so much worse than it was before hand - you will be forced to get help instead of going and getting it yourself voluntarily (which is by far the better way to go about this), and not to mention you can harm your body permanently and have to live with that the rest of your life.
Also, after you try to kill yourself, as it's happening you may want to take it back and you can't. You swallow a bunch of pills and then think to yourself "what the fuck did I just do?!"
Remember killing yourself doesn't just effect you - it effects everyone connected to you whether you believe it or not. Those people in your life who you think don't care about you, well they will be hurt much more than you believe, trust me I've been there.
Life may suck, but there is always another day and I know you've probably heard that a million times, and you probably will hear it another million, but it's so true. You have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
Without feeling pain and sadness in life, how you can respect happiness when you feel it? How can you even know what it is? Those emotions are polar opposites and yet you need both in life to experience each - it makes the world go 'round!
I wish the best for you, and no matter what anyone says you're going to make your own decision, but ultimately I hope you see that life>death by suicide.
People do care about you, people do love you, and people always will. There is a tomorrow and there is love within that day that you need to find, and there will always be love that finds you even when you're not looking for it
-dp
For me it was never so much a matter of wanting to die as just wanting the overwhelming and relentless despair to stop - I used to hope I'd go to sleep and simply not wake up.
I do think that people judge mental anguish on a different basis than they judge physical pain. There's a level of understanding when people choose to stop battling physical illness which doesn't exist to the same extent with mental illness - giving up on treatment for mental illness is perceived as "selfish" in a way which giving up on treatment for physical illness is not.
People can relate to physical pain and imagine it being intractable and relentless. They can imagine circumstances under which they would not be willing to continue enduring it for the benefit of others or merely to continue existing. Many people cannot relate to mental and emotional pain in the same way - their experience of it is of it being something transient and temporary.
Quality of life is perceived as being a legitimate issue where physical illness is concerned but much less so in the context of mental illness and yet for many of us who live with mental illness quality of life is one of the things we seek most. It's really, really frustrating to have others trying to tell us what quality of life "should" be acceptable to us and it's pretty condescending too.
I do think that people judge mental anguish on a different basis than they judge physical pain. There's a level of understanding when people choose to stop battling physical illness which doesn't exist to the same extent with mental illness - giving up on treatment for mental illness is perceived as "selfish" in a way which giving up on treatment for physical illness is not.
People can relate to physical pain and imagine it being intractable and relentless. They can imagine circumstances under which they would not be willing to continue enduring it for the benefit of others or merely to continue existing. Many people cannot relate to mental and emotional pain in the same way - their experience of it is of it being something transient and temporary.
Quality of life is perceived as being a legitimate issue where physical illness is concerned but much less so in the context of mental illness and yet for many of us who live with mental illness quality of life is one of the things we seek most. It's really, really frustrating to have others trying to tell us what quality of life "should" be acceptable to us and it's pretty condescending too.
ugly
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^^this. totally this.
morpher001
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- Jan 1, 2006
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Hi Devilinthemoon
I read your post and I thought I might share some observations and some of my own experiences.
You've listed out what must be for you a truly unpleasant litany of ongoing symptoms. You mention feeling almost mentally retarded - I can relate to this. I felt the same way when I had worry building upon worry, building upon worry. Came a point for me when so much worry just consumes all the resource of my mind and nothing is left for living. Which of course, became another thing to worry about.
The tricky part is, once you have been suffering like that for a while the thoughts can come automatically, unbidden. Stopping them is not always a simple thing.
You mentioned that you feel that somewhere down the road you will make a conscious decision to end your life. To me, this sounds like a worry stricken person who realizes on some level 'I need change something in my life'.
What exactly change means to you, is for you to decide. For me, my starting point was to think to myself 'what if I just drop everything? What if I just ignore the expectations I've put on myself and my life, and disregard the perceived expectations of others? This was just a thought exercise of course, but the important thing was it showed me that whatever happens, happiness (albeit perhaps not in the way I originally planned) is the future reality. This mental letting go was for me the first step back.
Of course as important as it was, a first step is only a first step and the rest of the journey needs to be attended to. All those pre-programmed worry thoughts were still popping up at every moment I wasn't explicitly thinking about something else. Even then somehow they can slip in anyway. The challenge of forcing yourself to be thinking about something else all the time is quite hard at first, and to me felt quite 'fake' in a way at least to begin with. But think of it like going to the gym for instance, there's hard work up front but once the results start to show, already you have something to be happy about and it snowballs.
I had an SSRI to help me through all this, and it did help. But perhaps its important to see the medication as a walking stick rather than a taxi ride home. Maybe taking drugs to help you escape may not be helping. You seem to want to be free of that, so maybe even just seeing a good doc or psych and explaining this to them, that you just want the tools you need to recover and not the rest. Perhaps just doing that its something else to feel positive about. There’s plenty of excellent professionals out there who will care about you and genuinely want to help.
If you feel that might be the right way forward for yourself, then from my own experience I'd recommend not delaying, getting in and laying it all out to your doc asap. I made the mistake of not seeking help right away and ended up back wallowing in hypothetical conversations I might have with the doctor should I finally decide to go. Obviously counterproductive and in hindsight I wasted a lot of time and effort this way, I hope you don’t make the same mistake as me.
Funny thing is, even though today it might seem so difficult, in all honesty it really doesn't take all that long to turn it all around. You will surprise yourself and its the most worthwhile thing you can ever do.
That was my experience, and each individual deals with things in their own way, but I hope it helps a little. Know that you aren't alone in what you are going though, and that the outcome that you want for yourself isn't far away.
I read your post and I thought I might share some observations and some of my own experiences.
You've listed out what must be for you a truly unpleasant litany of ongoing symptoms. You mention feeling almost mentally retarded - I can relate to this. I felt the same way when I had worry building upon worry, building upon worry. Came a point for me when so much worry just consumes all the resource of my mind and nothing is left for living. Which of course, became another thing to worry about.
The tricky part is, once you have been suffering like that for a while the thoughts can come automatically, unbidden. Stopping them is not always a simple thing.
You mentioned that you feel that somewhere down the road you will make a conscious decision to end your life. To me, this sounds like a worry stricken person who realizes on some level 'I need change something in my life'.
What exactly change means to you, is for you to decide. For me, my starting point was to think to myself 'what if I just drop everything? What if I just ignore the expectations I've put on myself and my life, and disregard the perceived expectations of others? This was just a thought exercise of course, but the important thing was it showed me that whatever happens, happiness (albeit perhaps not in the way I originally planned) is the future reality. This mental letting go was for me the first step back.
Of course as important as it was, a first step is only a first step and the rest of the journey needs to be attended to. All those pre-programmed worry thoughts were still popping up at every moment I wasn't explicitly thinking about something else. Even then somehow they can slip in anyway. The challenge of forcing yourself to be thinking about something else all the time is quite hard at first, and to me felt quite 'fake' in a way at least to begin with. But think of it like going to the gym for instance, there's hard work up front but once the results start to show, already you have something to be happy about and it snowballs.
I had an SSRI to help me through all this, and it did help. But perhaps its important to see the medication as a walking stick rather than a taxi ride home. Maybe taking drugs to help you escape may not be helping. You seem to want to be free of that, so maybe even just seeing a good doc or psych and explaining this to them, that you just want the tools you need to recover and not the rest. Perhaps just doing that its something else to feel positive about. There’s plenty of excellent professionals out there who will care about you and genuinely want to help.
If you feel that might be the right way forward for yourself, then from my own experience I'd recommend not delaying, getting in and laying it all out to your doc asap. I made the mistake of not seeking help right away and ended up back wallowing in hypothetical conversations I might have with the doctor should I finally decide to go. Obviously counterproductive and in hindsight I wasted a lot of time and effort this way, I hope you don’t make the same mistake as me.
Funny thing is, even though today it might seem so difficult, in all honesty it really doesn't take all that long to turn it all around. You will surprise yourself and its the most worthwhile thing you can ever do.
That was my experience, and each individual deals with things in their own way, but I hope it helps a little. Know that you aren't alone in what you are going though, and that the outcome that you want for yourself isn't far away.
devilinthemoon
Bluelighter
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- Oct 23, 2010
- Messages
- 50
drug induced rant that lasted too long.
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slowpoke1967
Bluelighter
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- Sep 27, 2010
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many get where you are including me.
Been there for years at a time till one day i did decide to do it and not expecting to , i lived ,and after that day i promissed myself i would never try it again and in all the times i have wanted to for the same reasons you have brought up i still dont do it ,,,only and mainly because of the promiss i made to myself...
Sooo i go on ..
And i keep trying to get help.always,its never ending for me to continuously try and get help from shrinks family doc and phycyatrist and other workers....
I still have those days,but fuck it,ill keep livin till the end comes on its owne cercumstances.....
plus there are good days lets not ferget that..........
Theres always gona be good days........
Been there for years at a time till one day i did decide to do it and not expecting to , i lived ,and after that day i promissed myself i would never try it again and in all the times i have wanted to for the same reasons you have brought up i still dont do it ,,,only and mainly because of the promiss i made to myself...
Sooo i go on ..
And i keep trying to get help.always,its never ending for me to continuously try and get help from shrinks family doc and phycyatrist and other workers....
I still have those days,but fuck it,ill keep livin till the end comes on its owne cercumstances.....
plus there are good days lets not ferget that..........
Theres always gona be good days........
unsettled
Bluelighter
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- Feb 10, 2010
- Messages
- 862
I definitely understand the whole depression thing and the lack of empathy that goes along with it. I was severely depressed for about a year and accumulated a ton of debt because I couldn't even think clearly enough to do the practical things to get me through. Whatever money I made at the time I spent on drugs and occasionally rent. I'm still trying to dig myself out of the financial hole I dug during that dark time. Depression is so much more painful than broken bones or physical injury, it's literally hell and only people who have been through it can really understand it.
You definitely aren't dumb and I wouldn't give too much thought to the diagnoses different doctors gave you. I mean everytime you see a new doctor they're going to give you a diagnoses. Try not to cling to your depression as impossible as it seems at times, it is possible to get out of your head and open yourself up to life and be reminded that there is much to beauty and reason to stay with the living.
You could try turning your pain into some form of creativity, that works for me at times. When you said "I'm already dead, I have been dead for quite some time now...." I thought immediately that you could use that as an opening line to a brilliant novel, channel your pain into something else, don't sit around thinking about it if you can avoid it, even avoiding it for a minute is a success.
I still struggle with depression, I know how hopeless it feels, just try and stick it out for awhile, things change and will get better. Hope you feel better soon man, you're definitely not alone.
You definitely aren't dumb and I wouldn't give too much thought to the diagnoses different doctors gave you. I mean everytime you see a new doctor they're going to give you a diagnoses. Try not to cling to your depression as impossible as it seems at times, it is possible to get out of your head and open yourself up to life and be reminded that there is much to beauty and reason to stay with the living.
You could try turning your pain into some form of creativity, that works for me at times. When you said "I'm already dead, I have been dead for quite some time now...." I thought immediately that you could use that as an opening line to a brilliant novel, channel your pain into something else, don't sit around thinking about it if you can avoid it, even avoiding it for a minute is a success.
I still struggle with depression, I know how hopeless it feels, just try and stick it out for awhile, things change and will get better. Hope you feel better soon man, you're definitely not alone.
Monkeybizness
Bluelighter
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- Oct 19, 2009
- Messages
- 811
Op I think you are to smart for you own good....anyone who told you other wise is an idiot. And cop are idiots also . you are not alone in feeling this way. the mind is VERY POWERFUL more powerful then many may know. . Take hold of it control it, and IT will take you places. ..
. you are not alone in feeling this way. the mind is VERY POWERFUL more powerful then many may know. . Take hold of it control it, and IT will take you places. ..
severely etarded
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I feel very similar. I lash out at people for no reason, and I don't mean to. Then when it's all said and done, I feel so ashamed, I hate myself. I just did this again recently and I feal awful.
I've also been medically diagnosed with heavy ADD, depression, GAD, mild bipolar (like you not many up's. I'm really sorry the cop was out for blood, they can be pretty bad sometimes. I think it's ridiculous you were thrown in jail over a theraputic dose (which I'm sure you were probably fairly tolerant to) of prescription medication. There IS a point where the medication treats your symptoms, without physically impairing your coordination. You're story is amazing, and I think you are very strong for going through all this.
The only thing that's helped me through it all is good old cannabis. And I don't have any right now
I've also been medically diagnosed with heavy ADD, depression, GAD, mild bipolar (like you not many up's. I'm really sorry the cop was out for blood, they can be pretty bad sometimes. I think it's ridiculous you were thrown in jail over a theraputic dose (which I'm sure you were probably fairly tolerant to) of prescription medication. There IS a point where the medication treats your symptoms, without physically impairing your coordination. You're story is amazing, and I think you are very strong for going through all this.
The only thing that's helped me through it all is good old cannabis. And I don't have any right now
NurvPayne
Greenlighter
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- Oct 19, 2010
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definitely NOT alone.. i had to skim thru a lot of these posts bc im very close to the edge myself.. but my situation is different.. im a C6-quadriplegic with CHRONIC NEUROPATHIC PAIN.. but thats not the main reason why i want out.. its bc i cant bare to cared for by my ailing mother and aging stepfather.. moms in terrible pain due to ms/artharitis.. its just terrible to watch. i am so dependant on others i just cant take much more of it.. i want to take 50 or 60 norco pills at once, but am afraid i'll live thru it.. my tolerance is not high at all.. but thats my only option right now. i want to say much more, but it really makes my day gray.. i actually put on a happy face day to day.. for my family's sake, not to depress them any more than they are.
devilinthemoon
Bluelighter
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- Oct 23, 2010
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I can relate, wait no I am not quadriplegic, but its pretty screwed up that I am not and I depend on my 85 something gparents as much as I do, it makes me feel really pathetic. I know everyone in my family was pissed that I lived there so long and they are pissed that if I get out my rent I will be back. I know you feel bad for having to depend on others, but at least your condition warrants it. I just don't want to drag them threw the mud as much as I am doing to myself, so instead of putting on a happy face for there sake I will probably will be laying in my room all day, which believe it or not happens more than not.
Two of the biggest fear of mine is having to be dependent on people (which I am) and having no one to depend on (which could easily happen soon)
The norco may not kill you but the APAP in them might, and it will be a very painful death.
I dont want to go back to my apartment because I have a bottle of TCA's there, and since high doses of a bunch of different drugs never killed me I am afraid that these are the only thing that might work. Again what stopping me is I lack balls, I don't think death by antidepressant would be a peaceful way out. And if I don't die, what abnormalities may I be faced with.
I knew a emergency worker who found a guy that tried to commit suicide in his apartment after taking a bottle of valium. It wasn't until week later they found him covered in his own piss and feces laying on the ground. He didn't die but they had to amputate both his arms because the way he was laying on them cut of the oxygen.
NurvPayne
Greenlighter
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- Oct 19, 2010
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i cant believe u delete it as well!! my inner monologue makes me second guess little stuff too, that really shouldn't have to be.. yea, i keep getting the same consensus about norco maybe not doin it.. and the apap "might".. i do understand it could be painful in an able bodied person, but for a quad im thinking i can handle it.. but its still that "if" factor..
but yes, that dependency and burden we feel are very different, but in the same gene pull.. although i really feel for u bc u seem to have a lot goin on up stairs that u cant seem to shake.. in MY mind, i feel it's a "must" that i do this.. only i dont know when. wish i could just put an ad on CL under "gigs" offering $1000 to do the deed.. only bc my arms and hands are worthless. if i was a "paraplegic" instead of quad, i can make something happen, BUT I WOULDNT WANT TOO bc id be much more independent therefore solving my dilema!
anyway, i still cant believe u deleted it! im sure the bluelight servers had enough storage in their hard drive to store ur LONG POST! eh, tried to end it with a funny.
but yes, that dependency and burden we feel are very different, but in the same gene pull.. although i really feel for u bc u seem to have a lot goin on up stairs that u cant seem to shake.. in MY mind, i feel it's a "must" that i do this.. only i dont know when. wish i could just put an ad on CL under "gigs" offering $1000 to do the deed.. only bc my arms and hands are worthless. if i was a "paraplegic" instead of quad, i can make something happen, BUT I WOULDNT WANT TOO bc id be much more independent therefore solving my dilema!
anyway, i still cant believe u deleted it! im sure the bluelight servers had enough storage in their hard drive to store ur LONG POST! eh, tried to end it with a funny.
Just out of interest, what software do you use for composing your posts?
NurvPayne
Greenlighter
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- Oct 19, 2010
- Messages
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i am a c5/c6 quad.. so i have partial use of my arms (right one) no triceps little biceps, but zero finger mobility.. so i have a strap with a pen attached to it and i poke away at keys one at a time.. the term quadriplegic refers to "all 4 limbs" being affected.. but there are higher degrees such as christopher reeves who was a c1 (or c2?) quad with no mobility at all.. that would be funny if i was using voice recog software, and having to say "dot dot dot" everytime i wanted to do...
There's a poster on another messageboard I frequent who has locked in syndrome. He has a tiny bit of movement in one of his fingers but he can't poke at keys, he basically "types" via a programme which runs through the letters of the alphabet on a touch pad and for "normal" communication he uses blinks. He's mentioned in the past that both are extremely tiring for him.
NurvPayne
Greenlighter
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- Oct 19, 2010
- Messages
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1
my gawd, i can't begin to imagine how tiring/frustrating that must get for him.. on so many levels! i've watched technology grow quite a bit in these past 10 yrs post injury..
my gawd, i can't begin to imagine how tiring/frustrating that must get for him.. on so many levels! i've watched technology grow quite a bit in these past 10 yrs post injury..
Attitudes have changed a lot too. There's now a massive push here to stop young quadraplegics being placed in nursing homes, which is what tended to happen in the past as they were the only facilities equipped to handle patients needing a high physical level of care.
There's now acknowledgment that the social needs of younger patients can't be met in such settings and a real commitment to purpose built facilities and separate day programmes for younger quads instead of just parking them in nursing homes and expecting them to be content watching old people play bingo every day. Technology will play a huge part in "normalising" life for a lot of those people.
NurvPayne
Greenlighter
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- Oct 19, 2010
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thats my other fear.. nursing home nightmares. i wish i knew of a facility that would house me along with lots of others like me. im afraid they'll just place me in compton or watts with a bunch of senior crackhead citizens. and THEY NEVER SHARE THEIR DOPE! jk.. anywaaaay..
@Devilinthemoon- u still hanging in there? i know ur not looking for sympathy, and this is far from that, im a HUGE advocate for euthanasia. dr K is my hero. BUT i would love to see a post from u in the future saying "i found a great doc, and i think we found a coctail of meds that are working well" but like i say, "everybody's got a story" im no worse off than anybody else.. i wish lighter sides, to all in the "dark side"