I think APs and ADs killed me..

[blueoyster]

Unfortunately, at 9 years old I began being medicated with all sorts of different anti-psychotics because I was... different, so my mother would take me to all sorts of doctors who shoved meds down my throat. I was diagnosed with at least four different things before I apparently had bipolar disorder (not I or II or any type either..?). I was too young to know any better so I took them.

I trialed a few different ones at "low doses", then at 10 years old I was put on seroquel until I was 13 1/2. I was on 300mg and at one point, 600mg. Then I was put on Trileptal, 600mg a day and I never stopped taking it until THREE WEEKS ago. I was aware that I felt different after the seroquel in bad ways, such as being less interested in a good amount of things, less emotional, didn't think about anything as much, was very in-different towards everything... basically I had been mentally dulled. By the time I was 15, this was starting to get better. But then because of my horrific home life, I had a lot of issues and my doctor tried putting me on Abilify and Risperdal. I tried these two medicatons at "low doses" apparently until I was 16. This fucked with me the same way the seroquel did, dulling my mind even more. At 16 1/2 I started smoking pot which made me feel better but by the time I turned 18 it stopped helping. I've never completely stopped smoking.

The final nail in the coffin was November 2012 when I was deeply depressed and tried Prozac and Remeron. Prozac for 6 months then Remeron for 3. After using these medications, I feel like parts of my brain are literally missing. I don't respond emotionally to anything, I don't have any emotions, no stimuli, I don't have any thoughts about ANYTHING whatsoever, I have no motivation to do anything, I don't want anything, I can't relate to anything or anyone, I can't concentrate on anything, even if I'm just playing video games or watching movies my mind almost just cannot process what I'm seeing and I go like half blind, I no longer have any sort of imagination or the ability to imagine things, I can't remember ANYTHING, I have absolutely no libido, my vocabulary and linguistic skills are deteriorating, I constantly feel half conscious maybe even a little less than that, and I'm fucking oblivious 100% of the time.

I feel like I have Forest Gump's IQ now... But even worse than that. It's like my brain doesn't naturally react to ANYTHING AT ALL anymore. I could have just climbed to the top of a mountain overlooking the most beautiful place on earth and my mind would be totally blank. It would just be like... I'm physically there, but nothing else!

I don't know what to do. For the first time in my life I'm completely off any medications. But I'm contemplating suicide now because of how fucked my head is... Having taken all these medications from 9 to 19 years old, while my brain and body were developing must have just ruined me for good. Before the anti-depressants I think there was hope for me because it was about 3x less severe than this but now I don't see how I can possibly function like a normal human being ever again.... I guess my serotonin levels are fucked and my dopamine is depleted or something...? There's just so many things that could have happened. All I know is how I feel isn't normal and I have no clue what to do about it

 

[Tommyboy]

It will take some time but you will begin to recover. You were on those meds for 9 years and you just stopped them a few weeks ago so you can't expect to go back to normal right away.

Are you messed up for good? No. You have to think positive. If you convince yourself that you are messed up for good then you are going to live life like that, but if you realize that you are in the process of getting better and that you will return to as normal of a state as you can be in then you can live a more normal life.

If you sit around thinking that your brain is fried then it's going to be harder to get better. Nobody ever got better by sitting around thinking that they were screwed for good. You have to accept that what is done is done, and move forward.

Just give it some time and you will be alright. Make sure to get plenty of exercise as this will speed up the recovery process since it will get your brain chemicals flowing more. There may be some vitamins that you should look into taking, but I am not sure which ones, although a daily multivitamin is a good start.

 

[Intenselife]

I'm sorry and hope things get better for you. It just angers me, how all sorts of anti psychotics and anti depressants are handed out like candy and doctors claim them as non addicting, when certain ones can have real negative side effects.

 

[The.Ghost]

I think I may be able to relate. If you're up for it, take a look at my post here: Manifesto of an emotionless being. I tried to put into words an aspect of what you may be experiencing.