i really love this place, and i'm sorry

[nudemonkei]

i'm working so hard to. there are too many people that have serious emtional investments in me tbat the frustration just makes me cry. i hate having this debate between this instinct to end myself and the pain of hurting so many people with my suicide. it is so horrible.

I will also refrain from telling you either to do or not to do what you do/don't want to do.

But, you WILL fuck many people over, likely for years. Whether they have a cheap or significant investment in being around your self, your action WILL fuck them, and hard, should you do/don't what you present.

The only reason I mention this is that you speak of a motivation being your significant other's financial resources.

And to think the cycle will NOT end with physical body death is not correct. It may for your perspective, and it may for every other perspective over time, but think of those perspectives you cannot think of.

Think of the symbiotic bacteria in your large intestine. How will THEY do without you? After all their hard work keeping your gastro-intestinal system intact...

Things get better. Than they get much worse. Than they get much better. Then they get worse. You know this, but from an outside perspective it DOES seem a bit sad that you would use economics as a rationale. I spoke to a man once who wanted to kill himself. He had cerebral palsy, and his mother died during childbirth. He felt guilt. He died, then his father went bankrupt paying for his final expenses. His death was at least partly motivated to end his father's debt. It bankrupted his father after the fact, then his father was institutionalized. His father is worse off now than before.

You will be missed if you disappear. You will also cause pain if you disappear. Hoping better days come, as a person I understand. A close friend's suicide is the key reason for my survival. I'm glad I can understand that, here, and now. Even with pending currency to be lost in a judicial system. Again. Believe me, I understand.

Love and hope to you friend.

 

[b4rd]

If you are in that much physical pain, i dont know how cowardly it really is..

 

[captainballs]

i just wanted to check in. the suicidal thoughts and plans just plague my mind still. i am having such a hard time not doing it. on saturday i had a seven hour severe migraine and after crawling ans vomiting on my way to the shower i passed out from the pain and when i woke up it was just cold water because the hot water had apparently run our. every fiber in my body is telling me to end my emotional and physical pain; replace it with permanent darkness as though there never was existence. it seems like i am purposefully ending my relationships and tapering myself off of reality. i can feel so strongly that this is going to happen soon, and i am so sad about the pain i will leave for the people who love me. there is just no life or motivation anymore inside. i hate myself for what i am going to do, and i hate the blackness i have become. i don't want to change it í just want it to cease existence - even the good parts, which just make me feel more pain anyways. í hate torturing the people who read this and want to scream 'stop!'

í can't concentrate anymore at work and í think they will fire me very soon. í don't even want them to know that i'll do it because them they'll think it's their fault. i've been pushing them away, everyone. if they hate me then they won't try to contact me again. god í want this life to end. my depression doesn't even have a base anymore, it is a nightmare psychosis í wake up to every day. í have to pop eight pills just to move my leg out of bed and then ten to fifteen more just to be able to think about suicide, the only thing í think about, without going into a migraine and having seizures. it is so selfish to even pretend there is hope for me by posting this í am just so sad and no one can make it better. í am just so sorry, í am just so tired and í want to have a permanent dreamless sleep where nothing ever was and nothing ever will be

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Captain-
I too hope that you reconsider. There are always brighter days......
You just have to give yourself the chance to see them.

Captain to captain, Ocean has a point.

I have very little idea about your history man, do you want to explain to us anything else that's going on?

Either way we're here to listen if you want to talk.

í am just so tired and í want to have a permanent dreamless sleep where nothing ever was and nothing ever will be

Have you tried mushrooms?

 

[Wizzle]

Wow.. I hope you don't kill yourself and find the energy to make a change.. Or somehow find help that works and is possible with your financial situation. I don't really know you but know everybody here cares.

Mushrooms are supposed to help with migraines right?

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

Captain Balls, you and I haven't chatted in a long time (I miss your posts in P&S!), and I don't know your story. (I vaguely gather that you are, or have been, deeply addicted to opiates, to the point of taking them just to feel normal, and having caused a lot of legal and financial problems to keep up your habit, no?)

Well, I have no advice to give about opiate addiction. But I can tell you all about treatment for migraine headaches, if you want to PM me.

I think what you need more than anything is a change of perspective, some kind of profound experience that pushes your reset button, and allows you to start anew with picking up the pieces of your life one by one. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but you'll feel a lot more like taking that first step once you've had a good night's sleep, metaphorically.

I highly recommend a guided ketamine trip, with someone who loves and cares about you talking to you lovingly and motivationally throughout.

 

[RhythmSpring]

I would strongly echo that and say that there are ways out that don't involve ending your life. It may seem odd to suggest doing these drugs, but on the other hand, they are powerful, powerful medicines. Another to try is Ayahuasca. or MDA. Try, just try.

 

[aCzarnecki]

Hey buddie....


Ive been on here for real long time, nobody here really knows me and i dont post often. I remember reading some of ur posts bud. In essence im a nobody here. Yet, look...Im ACTUALLY posting again and crying.....


Life is BITCH, to say the least. Ups and downs is the way it works, some with more downs than ups but one thing u can be sure of. Given the 'right' amount of time and chance, there will be an UP.

Dont give up on Bluelight, ur friends and family. Dont hurt us this way. Nothing ever is worth a
great mans life. Its a battle at times, but damn does it ever make u a strong motherfuker after.


Be strong brother,

Much Love from Canada!!!!

 

[eldesperado]

How can you be sure, 100% "certain" your pain will end if you commit suicide? How can you be sure you won't feel regret in those final intense moments and then it's too late, and maybe in these moments the only feeling or thought is a desperate but hopeless attempt to cling to life? That's no way to spend your final moments. I think it would be best to accept and affirm the pain your in now before you end it, instead of seeing the pain as some sort of negative.

The fact that you frequent a place like bluelight and can engage in intellecual conversations puts you on a higher level than most of the population.... you can clearly still "give back" to the world, your capable of it. The previous posts on this thread show that other people don't' want you to die... in a very pure way, life wants life to keep going.

If you haven't already tried it, you may want to do some DMT or 5-meo-dmt before you really try to kill yourself. You'll literally feel like your dying and have killed yourself. So in a way, you can kill yourself without actually killing yourself(and knowing this ahead of time still won't change the fact that if feels like you are killing self by taking this drug).... and it might even be a good idea to take a slightly higher dose...so you have a horrible hellish trip, as this might make you appreciate life even more.

 

[panic in paradise]

so there has now been 3 suggestions for CB to try having a psychedelic experience to, break through this time in his life. this is not something i feel comfortable leaving up, because some people may wind up alone, or with the wrong person and in a dangerous place.

such experiences can have value, and are spoken in great detail in forums such as Trip Reports, or Psychedelic Drugs.

we are here in TDS to try and help mostly by reasoning of our own, as that is the kind you can alsways keep, and use when ever you need to, or where ever you need to. thats pasrt of the reason such comments are deleted, that and triggering; all it can take is the wrong thought at the right time, and its back in the muck.

such things are advertised everywhere, and for an addict, who wants out, it can be nice to get a break from the disco ball, and just be...

Captin... theres 4 things i know about you and thats; youre damn smart, abouts where you lives, youre damn funny, and the sense of humor seems to run in the family.

keep moving man, get this past you...! it will happen, just as sure as there will be other shit to come, there are more better days.

i keep getting hit all the time, with my health, diagnlosis after diagnosis.. now im anemic, and i have leukcytosis(wtf), my rheumetalogist sends me to a GI after 4 months of chest pain from a drug for some other crazy life long shit, now my chest kills me every day, and the GI leaves the room, comes in, and tells me they are going to do a colonoscopy, and tracheopsy and they want to use an anestesiologist... but this wont tell us anything about youre chest pain....lol. which is why i was there?!?

idk man... these things happen for a reason, and its hell, but we make it through with more pride and charector - sometimes integrity, is just knowing its all gone to shit, and admiting your faults, and the truth of the situation. as mdao said, its time to hit the reset button, rebuild. sometimes thinking, and convincing yourself its day 1, works like magic,

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Excellent post PIP

 

[aCzarnecki]

Be strong and and just absorb all the great positive energy being sent ur way!

Hang in brAhh!!!

 

[JoeTheStoner]

don't give up yet. for the ppl that care about u, best thing u can do is stick around for them. think what would courage wolf do.

NSFW:

 

[mav3rick]

Just wanted to show some love for you CB!

 

[captainballs]

i love you all too. listen: about the psychedelics, i took too many too many days in a row after having been a weekly user for years. the last trip, i stood in front of the mirror for the entire trip pointing my finger to my head and whispering pow over and over with no one there. it's one of the few things i remember with clarity. every other waking moment including this one is in a fog; someone else was talking and walking. i've lost a lot of weight, started giving stuff away. i just wish i could go back and take away the memories people have of me because they are all fake. it was me being fake that people enjoyed, and it's a sad observation that no one ever even knew who i was but will still feel as shitty as i do when i finally put the financial pieces of the puzzle together to make the transition easier by leavimg more money, an apartmemt, and my own lawyer (have one in the bank since last week) to the people who will get hit hardest immediately by this.

i just wish i was built to do more, but i am not a winner and i'm not counting on luck or entertaining any life-long dreams. i burned bright as a child, flickered during college, and now there is just smoke. i don't know why i was built this way. it's even sad for me, because i've got a great mind but it's turned itself on me.

 

[captainballs]

im only posting my thoughts here because i think my situation is special and deserves extra attention. i also think that my mindset is rational and should be respected by the law and society as a whole.

unfortunately, at the rate i'm going i will probably accidentally go to sleep and not wake up one day. i've been getting more and more unhealthy, i just hope i don't have a heart attack.

 

[DexterMeth]

No matter how bad it gets, I would NEVER willingly die in America...yea right. Go ANYWHERE..just not here...go to the Fuggin HINdia and get really sick by drinking from the river, and smoke some hash with a monk at the grocery store. Fall in love with a brown princess with a huge nose. Do anything to learn what it's like (at least for a single afternoon) to not live in constant fear. ..recreate and repeat....Who knows, you might find your stronger and happier self in the muck of all the chaos. No one has the answers here but you....it's already there in front of you all the time, but the letters are all jumbled up.

Shit man, at least do something really insainly funny/fun/cool first...Stand outside at the oscars, wait for Angelina Jolie, run up to her and grab her tits. lol.

Shit, I think you should do whatever you can..but ultimately whilst. Don't be a cop out. Come on man.

EDIT; WHAT IS IT THAT YOU'RE SO AFRAID OF?

 

[captainballs]

dexter it's good to hear from u check out my profile when u get the opp. i lived overseas in a great place while attending school - for a long time. i really cherish the memories, the exploration, the non-latin operas (so beautiful). i want to escape back there to run from my sabotaged life here - i might be able to pull a visa from the legislative counselor i worked for at the time. i am being sued by only three banks right now and the irs is nailing harder and harder to close the coffin on me in this country. plus i have real depression that has been here for years. evem while living in my pleasant little forrested flat abroad, i locked the door to my room while my flatmatea were vacationing in denmark and overdosed on an antipsychotic and didn't wake up for more than two days.

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

CB, I know you're far more a rationalist than I am, so this may sound a bit foofy-doofy for your tastes (do with it what you will). I think dying SYMBOLICALLY might accomplish what you're setting out to accomplish, just as well (if not better) than actually killing yourself. I'm talking about leaving the country for good, settling somewhere else, taking on a whole new identity, and essentially starting your life over from scratch. There are books written (and probably webpages too) about How To Disappear And Never Be Found. I'm not going to point you in the direction of any of these, because I wouldn't want to be accused of using BL to help you break the law.

But before you do this (which will require probably about the same amount of planning and ingenuity as killing yourself painlessly and discretely), I highly recommend you make a list of all the things that need to die along with your old identity. If it were me doing this, I know for a fact any and all of my chemical habits, as well as any financially irresponsible ingrained habits of mine, would need to die on the pyre with my old identity.

The way I would do it is to write up a big poster with a list of all the things about me that were going to change. Then I would collect all the items that I'd kept out of sentimental attachment, which reminded me of the old ways I was leaving behind. Then I would invite a select group of my closest family and friends to my house, swear them to secrecy on my plan to disappear, thank them for their love and support, bequeath to them any useful items I couldn't take with me, and then have a symbolic cremation ceremony for the poster and the sentimental items I'd collected. And the next day, I'd be on a plane to a country with no extradition treaty with the US. I'd tell my family and friends that they'd soon be hearing from "my next incarnation".

This would only work if you were willing to look deep within yourself, and bid goodbye FOREVER to any crippling chemical habits and abuse patterns. Because if not, one foot stays planted in that world no matter how far the other one travels, and as the saying goes, "wherever you go, there you are."

What I'm proposing is drastic. I think this would work for me if I was in your situation. But I'm NOT you, and as such, I'm not necessarily recommending you do it. But I offer it to you for what it's worth.

 

[captainballs]

it's something i've considered at great length. I'm a really greedy person though, and my idea of heaven will always truly, when it's broken down, a place full of whores, drugs, and pure aesthetics.