i really love this place, and i'm sorry

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

^ In that case, I'm really out of my territory here.

 

[Liquid Sunshine]

Hey man. You may not know who I am, and we may have never spoken, but I have read many of your posts. Most of them made me laugh, and all of them made me smile. You're intelligent, you're funny, and most of all, it's been made evident many times that you're a caring and empathetic person.

I respect your right to die, but as someone who has considered suicide before, I have only one suggestion. Have an adventure. Live life as hard as you can. Suck everything you can out of life, and then, when you are done with whatever grand final adventure you choose to undertake, you can make your decision.

If you're going to die, you're going to die. You have nothing to lose.

Good luck, and we love you. I hope dearly that you reconsider

 

[Cloudburst]

"On December 16, 1916, Yussupov invited Rasputin to his home in St. Petersburg. Feeding him cyanide-laced wine and cakes, [...]. He was wrong. Rasputin collapsed from the poison, but did not die.

Yussupov shot Rasputin in the chest, but still he did not die. One of the conspirators shot him twice as Rasputin tried to flee. The shots disabled the monk but, legend has it, he was still alive as conspirators - standing at the top of the bridge at Petrovsky Island - threw his body into the Neva River. His remains were found days later."

People have survived up to 5 point-blank gunshots to the head. Long-term survival.

A woman survived a fall of 33,333 feet and is currently alive with pretty much no injury.

There are even cases of suicide-attempt shotgun blasts to the head leaving disfigured red jello on the face with survival.

I cannot believe there is a completely fool-proof way to commit suicide and you could end up with permanent damage resulting in even more misery - for instance, becoming a quadriplegic incapable of killing himself for the most part, even more pain than before. Or hanging yourself after an OD which seems pretty likely to kill you but would only actually have a 75% chance of death, I believe, and of course permanent brain damage to the point where you'd possibly retain the misery and yet not have the mental capacity to comprehend suicide. The vast majority of serious suicide attempts fail. Take this into account, that you could get permanent damage along with the very serious likelihood that you will change your mind.

From the few posts I have seen from you, I can already tell you are some type of creative genius with a lot to give to this world. People like you no longer existing contributes to the degradation of quality of life of others, helping contribute to more misery upon others as has been inflicted upon you.

I've been sectioned 5 times in a single year. They have recommended permanent psychiatric residence for me. I hanged myself (noose slipped). I took several hundred sleeping pills with a fourth of whiskey. I huddled myself in a dark corner of my room injecting myself with dirty substances with no hope for life for years and years of my adult life. Where am I now? I just moved into a decent house, made dozens of friends when just 2 weeks ago I had none whatsoever for about 10 years.

Life is dictated by change. If you stick around, it's not a possibility things will change, it's a GUARANTEE things will. It may take a long time, but practice the willpower and patience you implemented in creating this foolproof suicide mechanism and rationale and put it to good use. I could see great benefits from that even if you are predisposed to the other side.

May the God I do not believe in (irrelevant anyway) have mercy on your soul.

 

[panic in paradise]

i love you all too. listen: about the psychedelics, i took too many too many days in a row after having been a weekly user for years. the last trip, i stood in front of the mirror for the entire trip pointing my finger to my head and whispering pow over and over with no one there. it's one of the few things i remember with clarity. every other waking moment including this one is in a fog; someone else was talking and walking. i've lost a lot of weight, started giving stuff away. i just wish i could go back and take away the memories people have of me because they are all fake. it was me being fake that people enjoyed, and it's a sad observation that no one ever even knew who i was but will still feel as shitty as i do when i finally put the financial pieces of the puzzle together to make the transition easier by leavimg more money, an apartmemt, and my own lawyer (have one in the bank since last week) to the people who will get hit hardest immediately by this.

i just wish i was built to do more, but i am not a winner and i'm not counting on luck or entertaining any life-long dreams. i burned bright as a child, flickered during college, and now there is just smoke. i don't know why i was built this way. it's even sad for me, because i've got a great mind but it's turned itself on me.

you summed up a lot of my life for me right there. i call my self panic in paradise here because of 'bad' trips like that, what really brought it on would be how i use to eat 5-7-10-18 (more?) hits by my self, of all sorts of quality and mediums. i ofetn woul wind up laying a long rectangle door mirror in the ground, and lay there and look at my self, and pretend i was dead, and imagine all sorts of stuff. it was terrible, fun stuff to do when your bored?!? then i found BL.

i have also had psychedlic 'epics' that will always be with me in a good way, it can still be exilerating and inspiring.

i have schizoeffective B/P, and a year a go or so diagnosed with ankylosing spondiliitis, then oseteo arthiritis, then leukocytosis, now anemia, and i dithced out on a endooscopy and other fun appointment today, because of more new stuff they want to check for!!! due to a bad reaction to a TNF pain blocker. excruciating chest pain all day, all night brother man.

because of the AS, i have to be careful with almost everything i do, my posture is very important as my spine is trying to fuse, im supposed to only sleep in of a few positions. and man ive been down down deep down the past few days, idk wtf im gonna do, im starving for a career?!? i/we have beaten a lot of stuff, with drugs and personal issues, i cant imagine struggling sooo much through all that, to let this take me out. my/our families saw us go through what we did, and make it out, to some disbelief maybe.

i know people who had, had more then they could, and then have to give it all up and start over in their 40's-50's-60's. some are in serious denial and thats not good, concidering their ages and severity of the situation.

at least you know or can admit your problem(s).

youre young, im young, theres nothing wrong with being depressed having realizations, but when deprssion starts to become you, thats a problem.

im going to guess youve been through this before? i dont mean to make light at all, im going throgh it now as i mentioned, but it does get better. maybe not as good as it was, maybe better then ever, but better then this moment, and these days.

 

[psykoman]

you sound like someone in constant heavy opaite withdrawels along with sever financial worry i have been like this before and have felt the same altho i do not think i was as bad as your situation sounds.

all i can say is my thoughts are with you and i hope you can find the help you need.

good luck stay strong!!

 

[captainballs]

pip, yeah that's about right. i think i saw just enough to crack but not crumble. that was many years ago, and i'm not sure i gained much from psychedelics when it's all said and done. right around my junior year of undergrad i started to realize that the benzo abuse and dependency coupled with the abuse of e and psychedelics do leave a fairly permanent mark. i mean, i swear to god i know i'm smart and actually if i sit and think about it i'm probably one of those people who thinks he's smarter than the entire world but feels underappreciated. but man oh man i can tell you that i am so scattered now that i can't even live a waking moment without maintenance chemicals. i don't even get 'high' but i don't personally know anyone who has a bigger habit than me with any drug.

and yeah i'm in constant opiate withdrawals and have been a fairly consistent non-recreational user for almost a decade and i'm only 26 . When i wake up in the morning it actually looks like something out if the three stooges if i didn't take a night dose. i knock over like 5 things and almost fall out of bed reaching 1 foot - at 6 am - to the pills and water, and then i can't even get all the way over to a solid surface until the orals kick in so that i can do a light nasal boost when it should be the other way around.

and then i can't win if i do take a night dose because while it feels good it's not real sleep. by the time the week is over i've probably put in a solid 10 hours of real sleep in.

even when i taper i almost get fired. if i were to really get sober i would need to quit my job and get serious medical help for a long time. that is the trap right there.

 

[monchi]

it sounds like you are lost, like you can't remember what it was that used to define you... you have profound memories, but there is nothing that anchors you to the present, save the trap of opiate rebound. too many thoughts...

you are smart! super eloquent, able to express your pain, but a sucker for the easy bet. you get relief and then you beat yourself up for it. its a shitty cycle to be in.

you aren't pushing away everyone: you're reaching out here...

maybe this is a stereotype, but i think people that use psychs generally are explorers of self. sometimes what drugs teach you is what they cant do. i really hope you can figure out how to fill that place of disappointment... quiet yourself, get rid of all those negative thoughts...

this probably sounds cheezy and easier said than done... but so be it, im thinkin of ya...

 

[DexterMeth]

dexter it's good to hear from u check out my profile when u get the opp. i lived overseas in a great place while attending school - for a long time. i really cherish the memories, the exploration, the non-latin operas (so beautiful). i want to escape back there to run from my sabotaged life here - i might be able to pull a visa from the legislative counselor i worked for at the time. i am being sued by only three banks right now and the irs is nailing harder and harder to close the coffin on me in this country. plus i have real depression that has been here for years. evem while living in my pleasant little forrested flat abroad, i locked the door to my room while my flatmatea were vacationing in denmark and overdosed on an antipsychotic and didn't wake up for more than two days.

I didn't see this until today, will do. How are you btw?

EDIT - there's nothign on your profile..did you erase everything? I'm PMing you....

 

[donkeyPUNCH]

dude. srsly. please don't do this. I'm sitting in my school's cafeteria fighting tears.

I don't even know you that well, but you have no idea how much your posts have influenced me and my style. I hope you are still around to read this man.