arrall
Bluelight Crew
Last night, I had the realization that my abusers will never truly take responsibility for what they did to me and how much they fucked me up. This isn’t something that is easy for me to share, but Bluelight is one of the most supportive communities I’m lucky enough to be a member of so I decided to come here for support.
For context, my “parents” physically abused me from ages 3-17 and have emotionally + verbally abused me for essentially my entire life. My father has extremely narcissistic tendencies resembling NPD while my mother seems to suffer from other issues, primarily a lack of empathy + extreme obsessive tendencies. This has left me with a variety of issues including two that are in all cases exclusively caused by childhood and/or other long-term trauma (CPTSD and a dissociative disorder.) Any attempt to confront them about it always ends in disaster. Even mentioning to my father what he did or making a joke about it is enough to cause him to go into a rage. He’ll go to great lengths just to attempt to fuck up my life and ruin things for me out of spite.
Last night, I attempted to talk to my parents about it and my dad started having one of his “adult temper tantrums.” He went into a rage and started trying to find something he could ruin for me. Later on, he claimed that as a child I assaulted him more than he assaulted me. For context, one incident that he considers assault is from when I was 12. He came into my room and started shoving a toy lizard in my face because he was bored and wanted attention, and when I threw it at him he smacked me over the head. I don’t think he comprehends the fact that a man in his mid 40s can do far more damage to a pre-teen child than vice-versa. That was one of the milder incidents of physical abuse out of the hundreds to thousands that occurred, as they got much worse and more frequent as I got older.
Without making this post too long, the argument ended with my parents saying that their abuse of me and kicking me out for weeks on end traumatized them too. My dad told me that “you traumatized us at least as much as we traumatized you, possibly moreso.” This shit just broke me. Even all of the half-assed apologies I got alá “I’m sorry, but you deserved it because…” or finally getting “I shouldn’t have hit you as a kid” a few months ago were insincere and meant nothing. My parents will never truly accept that everything they did to me was wrong and undeserved. I will never have that validation or acceptance. And I don’t know what to do about that beyond attempting to accept it.
As for handling my parents, beyond the standard methods of handling narcissists of attempting to minimize contact and showing as little reaction as possible to what they say while not taking them seriously, I don’t think there’s really much to do.
I had some bad nightmares about my abuse (some of which were so bad that I hope that they are not based on real incidents) and have been feeling very down and out of it today.
To make matters worse, when I turned to a couple friends for support one of them was very helpful but my “best friend” was not at all understanding and basically blamed the situation on me for “not just shutting up and being nice to them.” I don’t really want to get into that right now but it’s certainly taking a toll on our friendship and he doesn’t seem to understand why.
Thanks to anyone who read this far for listening to me rant. If you have any advice or words of support, I would appreciate hearing them. Hope everyone else is doing well.
For context, my “parents” physically abused me from ages 3-17 and have emotionally + verbally abused me for essentially my entire life. My father has extremely narcissistic tendencies resembling NPD while my mother seems to suffer from other issues, primarily a lack of empathy + extreme obsessive tendencies. This has left me with a variety of issues including two that are in all cases exclusively caused by childhood and/or other long-term trauma (CPTSD and a dissociative disorder.) Any attempt to confront them about it always ends in disaster. Even mentioning to my father what he did or making a joke about it is enough to cause him to go into a rage. He’ll go to great lengths just to attempt to fuck up my life and ruin things for me out of spite.
Last night, I attempted to talk to my parents about it and my dad started having one of his “adult temper tantrums.” He went into a rage and started trying to find something he could ruin for me. Later on, he claimed that as a child I assaulted him more than he assaulted me. For context, one incident that he considers assault is from when I was 12. He came into my room and started shoving a toy lizard in my face because he was bored and wanted attention, and when I threw it at him he smacked me over the head. I don’t think he comprehends the fact that a man in his mid 40s can do far more damage to a pre-teen child than vice-versa. That was one of the milder incidents of physical abuse out of the hundreds to thousands that occurred, as they got much worse and more frequent as I got older.
Without making this post too long, the argument ended with my parents saying that their abuse of me and kicking me out for weeks on end traumatized them too. My dad told me that “you traumatized us at least as much as we traumatized you, possibly moreso.” This shit just broke me. Even all of the half-assed apologies I got alá “I’m sorry, but you deserved it because…” or finally getting “I shouldn’t have hit you as a kid” a few months ago were insincere and meant nothing. My parents will never truly accept that everything they did to me was wrong and undeserved. I will never have that validation or acceptance. And I don’t know what to do about that beyond attempting to accept it.
As for handling my parents, beyond the standard methods of handling narcissists of attempting to minimize contact and showing as little reaction as possible to what they say while not taking them seriously, I don’t think there’s really much to do.
I had some bad nightmares about my abuse (some of which were so bad that I hope that they are not based on real incidents) and have been feeling very down and out of it today.
To make matters worse, when I turned to a couple friends for support one of them was very helpful but my “best friend” was not at all understanding and basically blamed the situation on me for “not just shutting up and being nice to them.” I don’t really want to get into that right now but it’s certainly taking a toll on our friendship and he doesn’t seem to understand why.
Thanks to anyone who read this far for listening to me rant. If you have any advice or words of support, I would appreciate hearing them. Hope everyone else is doing well.