suffocating sky
Bluelighter
well nevermind, i just spent an hour and a half pouring my heart and soul into this fucking box, and the stupid fucking laptop keyboard hit the back button and i lost it all.
anyone ever have that happen?
well, when it comes to my probation should i tell my po i smoked, or lie
my sample got sent to the lab today after failing 2 dipsticks, i diluted heavily in the hours before hand
between 11 and 3:30 i drank, a half gallon of water, a 16 oz amped energy drink to get some caffeine and vitamins in me, a half a bottle of sobe tea, and 6 16.9 fl oz water bottles. along with a lot of b12 and b complex vitamins
i seriously pee'd 20 times before going there, not exaggerating, i was going every 5-10 mins, i was actually starting to worry that i drank too much, but i will fight to the death for my freedom, so my horrible headache and swollen body were supposed to be worth it.
it had been 3 or 4 days since the last use, im 20 6foot3 and only 150lbs
im on for 4 years, all my family is 1000 miles away, and the only person i have is my amazing girlfriend.
she waited on me through jail and rehab, and had an apartment ready when i got out.
i used to be bad into pills, have avoided them for the most part except for a week long relaspe which caused a lot of pain for both of us, along with your usual WDs and fun that comes with heavy opiate abuse.
i avoid pot because of the long detection times, but i have always used it to self medicate my depression, been smoking alot since i was 12(first time i was 9 or 10)
sometimes theres nothing that calms you down like a few tokes, or cheers you up, whatever
anyway, i was a lot more descriptive and detailed earlier, but i was on the verge of crying the entire time and i cant do it again. ill address anything left out if anyone has questions or the likes...
when i was 18, i almost went to prison for stabbing someone, it was self defense-ish, i'm a tall scrawny kid and i had a grown man/meth head punch me in my face then start choking me saying "i'm going to break your neck motherfucker, i'm going to kill you" so i did what i thought was necessary to protect my life.
it wasn't jack the ripper status (it was in the left hip/ back around the kidneys/liver, but it didnt penetrate straight in, the deepest wound 9cm deep)
but it was enough for me to go to jail and almost prison.
i could have beat it too, but after 5 months i plead to felony battery and got 6 months, as opposed to their initial deal of 36 months, or taking it to trial with a public defender and getting the max.
i was only 18, i was protecting myself, i wont lie, there was some aggression too, but what would you do in that situation? if i wanted to really harm him i could have, but i'm so greatful that i didnt.
anyway, because of that the states attorney has a hard on for me, because he couldnt bust me for that, he tried to give me 2 years for something waaayyy less serious, that they technically couldnt prove, "how can you prove whether or not someone knew something was stolen before selling it, especially if you can't charge them with the actual theft?
florida is a backwards ass state when it comes to the legal system, and quite a few other areas too...
not to mention the county i'm in is all about the money, they don't give a fuck about anyone or anything other than money and maintaining their rich white image.
anyway, here i am now, sorry for getting into all that, idk why i did really, to let you know why they are soo hard on me. i also have an extensive juvenile record which they also frown upon...
so back to the point, my test barely had enough pee in it, if it even did for the lab, but i'm pretty sure its going to come back as dilute positive, hopefully they reject it, or its waaayyy too diluted and they ask for another, but knowing my lcuk this wont happen.
should i tell him i smoked, maybe not say all month, tell him i had a slip up, and beg for mercy, or should i wait out the lab and see what happens. i know if i admit i could get violated a lot sooner and that would result in a warrant much more quickly.
i dont want to go back to jail, i know i shouldnt have smoked, but i have been doing so much better, i recently had and amazing experience, ++++ and i found god, not literally, but i felt that oneness, and i knew everything was okay, that everything was one, and that i was part of it, and that everything would be okay.
i'm not afraid of death anymore, only dying without having lived a fulfilled life.
i refuse to be put back in cage like an animal, especially if its going to be more than a few months.
i cannot lose everything again, i barely have anything as it is.
if not for my gf, who has done and sacrificed so much for me, i wouldnt be here, i would have ended this awhile ago.
if i get sentenced to prison, i WILL kill myself.
its a done deal.
i wrote several letters and recorded an hour long video for my everyone in case i just decide to say fuck it soon.
i hate to say that, it kills me so much, but i refuse to waste my life further enslaved than i already am.
let alone, i can barely deal with the guilt as it is, is kills me that i'm not in bed next to her right now, but i know if i go in there, all i will be thinking is "how many more nights with her will i have, how many more times will i wake up next to her beautiful face.
i'm tired of hurting myself, and the worst part is i realized all this on my last trip, which was he last time i smoked.
i mean, its so easy to lose sight of things, and when you realize you did its often too late, at least in my case.
i also think that in the next couple of years there is going to be some seriou shit going on in the world, i'm not all 2012 paranoid, i just think its obvious, plus,
i can grasp the fact that were on a big rock, flying around a ball of fire, furthermore circling a gigantic black hole at the center of our galaxy, which is only one of billions of others flying through the universe. shit is bound to happen, especially when tiny shit like comet ELEnin can cause shit like what just happened in japan, and i DO NOT, want to die in prison or jail during some shit like that, not to mention, i'm not a violent rapist or murderer or crack dealer, i'm a fucking 20 year old kid with some problems and fancy for the gonzo lifestyle..
i cant stand the thought of being thrown in a cage and leaving my girlfriend behind, especially before i get to show her how much i love her, and do for her everything she has done for me.
and the pain of my family, my little brother and sister, who are waayyy too little to understand these things, or jail even....
if things look their worst, should i run, and hope i can ride it out until something gives, ive been wanting to go live off the land for awhile and travel anyway, get some life experience, get a little closer to the planet that gave me life.
or should i see what they offer, of course, ill have to wait in jail in the meantime, and i really dont want to see my gf in a jumpsuit, talking through a video monitor, knowing shes only 45 mins away from me, along with the rest of the world, while the real criminals in this world keep getting richer, free to exploit everyone as they please.
or should i say fuck it, life my life for the time being until that warrant comes out and they get me(if it does) spend as much time enjoying myself and making the ones i love happy, then off myself and hope for the best.............and an afterlife lol
i know it may not seem like a laughing matter, but ive been crying all day, and im just sick of all this.
im not trying to get attention, so please dont give me shit, or tell me to calm down, this is my fucking life, real life, not a fucking joke, so dont take it that way.
when i finally come to peace with the world this happens, and its taking everything in me not to freak the fuck out right now.
i just dont know what to do, i cannot continue to go in and out of jail for drugs, especially not pot.
if i was shooting up, or sucking glass dick everyday thats another story, but thats just not the case.
i'd rather die while i have a good mindset towards life and the universe, having known and loved the girl of my dreams, and without having caused or endured more suffering
than live a life of pain and misery, where on my deathbed i look back and have nothing but regrets. i dont want to do what my dad did.
im so sorry for all of this shit, but you cant always blame someone, especially when they didnt know better, or didnt mean any harm.
i just want some advice, opinions, someone to say something.
im slowly losing it here, and im not afraid anymore......
on another note, i had a funny realization last night i believe;
i was taking a leak, and i realized that the beauty of life is death.
i was wondering why i always have that moment right before the shit hits the fan, i can never realize it before i buy the pet monkey or turn on the fan.
if life was always good, we'd never know the difference, wouldn't be able to appreciate it.
and it dawned upon me
thats why they call it "whizz-dom"
if you read all of that thank you so much, even if you dont respond, it still makes me feel better
and i just got to the rules, sorry, i type faster than i think, if this is wrong place, let me know, i apologize in advance
if there is no area for this, go ahead and delete
sorry again
would this be considered darkside material?
still exploring the rest of BL so im not sure
anyone ever have that happen?
well, when it comes to my probation should i tell my po i smoked, or lie
my sample got sent to the lab today after failing 2 dipsticks, i diluted heavily in the hours before hand
between 11 and 3:30 i drank, a half gallon of water, a 16 oz amped energy drink to get some caffeine and vitamins in me, a half a bottle of sobe tea, and 6 16.9 fl oz water bottles. along with a lot of b12 and b complex vitamins
i seriously pee'd 20 times before going there, not exaggerating, i was going every 5-10 mins, i was actually starting to worry that i drank too much, but i will fight to the death for my freedom, so my horrible headache and swollen body were supposed to be worth it.
it had been 3 or 4 days since the last use, im 20 6foot3 and only 150lbs
im on for 4 years, all my family is 1000 miles away, and the only person i have is my amazing girlfriend.
she waited on me through jail and rehab, and had an apartment ready when i got out.
i used to be bad into pills, have avoided them for the most part except for a week long relaspe which caused a lot of pain for both of us, along with your usual WDs and fun that comes with heavy opiate abuse.
i avoid pot because of the long detection times, but i have always used it to self medicate my depression, been smoking alot since i was 12(first time i was 9 or 10)
sometimes theres nothing that calms you down like a few tokes, or cheers you up, whatever
anyway, i was a lot more descriptive and detailed earlier, but i was on the verge of crying the entire time and i cant do it again. ill address anything left out if anyone has questions or the likes...
when i was 18, i almost went to prison for stabbing someone, it was self defense-ish, i'm a tall scrawny kid and i had a grown man/meth head punch me in my face then start choking me saying "i'm going to break your neck motherfucker, i'm going to kill you" so i did what i thought was necessary to protect my life.
it wasn't jack the ripper status (it was in the left hip/ back around the kidneys/liver, but it didnt penetrate straight in, the deepest wound 9cm deep)
but it was enough for me to go to jail and almost prison.
i could have beat it too, but after 5 months i plead to felony battery and got 6 months, as opposed to their initial deal of 36 months, or taking it to trial with a public defender and getting the max.
i was only 18, i was protecting myself, i wont lie, there was some aggression too, but what would you do in that situation? if i wanted to really harm him i could have, but i'm so greatful that i didnt.
anyway, because of that the states attorney has a hard on for me, because he couldnt bust me for that, he tried to give me 2 years for something waaayyy less serious, that they technically couldnt prove, "how can you prove whether or not someone knew something was stolen before selling it, especially if you can't charge them with the actual theft?
florida is a backwards ass state when it comes to the legal system, and quite a few other areas too...
not to mention the county i'm in is all about the money, they don't give a fuck about anyone or anything other than money and maintaining their rich white image.
anyway, here i am now, sorry for getting into all that, idk why i did really, to let you know why they are soo hard on me. i also have an extensive juvenile record which they also frown upon...
so back to the point, my test barely had enough pee in it, if it even did for the lab, but i'm pretty sure its going to come back as dilute positive, hopefully they reject it, or its waaayyy too diluted and they ask for another, but knowing my lcuk this wont happen.
should i tell him i smoked, maybe not say all month, tell him i had a slip up, and beg for mercy, or should i wait out the lab and see what happens. i know if i admit i could get violated a lot sooner and that would result in a warrant much more quickly.
i dont want to go back to jail, i know i shouldnt have smoked, but i have been doing so much better, i recently had and amazing experience, ++++ and i found god, not literally, but i felt that oneness, and i knew everything was okay, that everything was one, and that i was part of it, and that everything would be okay.
i'm not afraid of death anymore, only dying without having lived a fulfilled life.
i refuse to be put back in cage like an animal, especially if its going to be more than a few months.
i cannot lose everything again, i barely have anything as it is.
if not for my gf, who has done and sacrificed so much for me, i wouldnt be here, i would have ended this awhile ago.
if i get sentenced to prison, i WILL kill myself.
its a done deal.
i wrote several letters and recorded an hour long video for my everyone in case i just decide to say fuck it soon.
i hate to say that, it kills me so much, but i refuse to waste my life further enslaved than i already am.
let alone, i can barely deal with the guilt as it is, is kills me that i'm not in bed next to her right now, but i know if i go in there, all i will be thinking is "how many more nights with her will i have, how many more times will i wake up next to her beautiful face.
i'm tired of hurting myself, and the worst part is i realized all this on my last trip, which was he last time i smoked.
i mean, its so easy to lose sight of things, and when you realize you did its often too late, at least in my case.
i also think that in the next couple of years there is going to be some seriou shit going on in the world, i'm not all 2012 paranoid, i just think its obvious, plus,
i can grasp the fact that were on a big rock, flying around a ball of fire, furthermore circling a gigantic black hole at the center of our galaxy, which is only one of billions of others flying through the universe. shit is bound to happen, especially when tiny shit like comet ELEnin can cause shit like what just happened in japan, and i DO NOT, want to die in prison or jail during some shit like that, not to mention, i'm not a violent rapist or murderer or crack dealer, i'm a fucking 20 year old kid with some problems and fancy for the gonzo lifestyle..
i cant stand the thought of being thrown in a cage and leaving my girlfriend behind, especially before i get to show her how much i love her, and do for her everything she has done for me.
and the pain of my family, my little brother and sister, who are waayyy too little to understand these things, or jail even....
if things look their worst, should i run, and hope i can ride it out until something gives, ive been wanting to go live off the land for awhile and travel anyway, get some life experience, get a little closer to the planet that gave me life.
or should i see what they offer, of course, ill have to wait in jail in the meantime, and i really dont want to see my gf in a jumpsuit, talking through a video monitor, knowing shes only 45 mins away from me, along with the rest of the world, while the real criminals in this world keep getting richer, free to exploit everyone as they please.
or should i say fuck it, life my life for the time being until that warrant comes out and they get me(if it does) spend as much time enjoying myself and making the ones i love happy, then off myself and hope for the best.............and an afterlife lol
i know it may not seem like a laughing matter, but ive been crying all day, and im just sick of all this.
im not trying to get attention, so please dont give me shit, or tell me to calm down, this is my fucking life, real life, not a fucking joke, so dont take it that way.
when i finally come to peace with the world this happens, and its taking everything in me not to freak the fuck out right now.
i just dont know what to do, i cannot continue to go in and out of jail for drugs, especially not pot.
if i was shooting up, or sucking glass dick everyday thats another story, but thats just not the case.
i'd rather die while i have a good mindset towards life and the universe, having known and loved the girl of my dreams, and without having caused or endured more suffering
than live a life of pain and misery, where on my deathbed i look back and have nothing but regrets. i dont want to do what my dad did.
im so sorry for all of this shit, but you cant always blame someone, especially when they didnt know better, or didnt mean any harm.
i just want some advice, opinions, someone to say something.
im slowly losing it here, and im not afraid anymore......
on another note, i had a funny realization last night i believe;
i was taking a leak, and i realized that the beauty of life is death.
i was wondering why i always have that moment right before the shit hits the fan, i can never realize it before i buy the pet monkey or turn on the fan.
if life was always good, we'd never know the difference, wouldn't be able to appreciate it.
and it dawned upon me
thats why they call it "whizz-dom"
if you read all of that thank you so much, even if you dont respond, it still makes me feel better
and i just got to the rules, sorry, i type faster than i think, if this is wrong place, let me know, i apologize in advance
if there is no area for this, go ahead and delete
sorry again
would this be considered darkside material?
still exploring the rest of BL so im not sure
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